These aren’t little secrets that I’ve discovered DH is keeping.

[Yahyahyahyoyo]

I snooped on DHs phone. In my defence, I looked through it to check if he had asked DSs cub leader to add me to the parent WhatsApp group. I’ve been asking for weeks, and no… he hadn’t, despite telling me he had.

Anyway, a message from a mutual friend popped up asking if he’d ‘set the business up yet’. DH is employed F/T already. He is the breadwinner and earns fairly well. I work P/t but on a very low wage as I took a while out to bring up the kids and had to restart my career from the bottom (my sector had moved on so much). He has mentioned absolutely nothing about leaving his job, setting up a business and going self employed. Yet, he has set up business pages on social media, got a logo designed, and researched the cost of local storage. It would involve spending 2-3 grand buying what is required for this business, plus the storage fees. We do not have any spare money. This business would also mean working anytime, night or day and travelling all other the country, which worries me as we have two young children, one with autism.

The second thing I’ve found is that he’s planning on buying an expensive e-bike- the cheapest he’s talking about on his bike group chat us £2500, but there’s also some more expensive ones he’s looking in to. Again, we don’t have this money. He’s put his existing bike up for sale for £1200, but I’ve discovered in the listing (I had to snoop all over marketplace to find it) that he bought his original bike brand new for £2400, despite telling me it was second hand. This is not the first time he’s lied about bike stuff. He’s bought so many accessories, helmets, shoes, clothing for bikes and told me he’s had them for years when I’ve questioned it. Last year he bought something and said it cost £60, then one of his friends slipped up and said they actually cost £300.

he’s not mentioned any of this to me. I’ve discovered it all from social media and his search history. Aren’t these things a spouse should discuss first? I will confront him, but need to think about what I’m going to say. I’m autistic, so I’m cautious about whether I’m over-reacting.

YANBU- These secrets are a big deal
YABU- it’s not that big of a deal

How do you know he's leaving his job? He could be seeing it up as a means of contracting on the side.

@Yahyahyahyoyo I'm sorry you are getting such a negative response here.

Forget about reading his messages, what your husband is doing is not justifiable in the slightest simply because as you say, money is tight in your family. It's not like you are rolling in cash and he wants to be adventurous. Setting up a business while not telling you is very scary. Specially because his job pays the bills and keeps a roof over your heads.

I don't think anyone has given you this advice. Please please whoever you do, get a full time job asap. I know you said you work part time as you need to care about your autistic son. You need a full time job and try to earn as much as you can. I think deep down you know this.
Women need to out their independence first. Your situation is an example. Best of luck OP. x

That goes without saying. He's clearly untrustworthy.

But when I realised the same about my ex I made sure I got myself into a position where I was not dependent on him in any way

This place gets more men's rights by the day.

They're a family. Her own earning power has been damaged by her caring responsibilities. They have very little money for luxuries.

And yet he is lying about vanity spending on himself, and about a huge change that he is planning which will massively impact the family's financial security.

He's a cunt.

This message makes sense until the last paragraph. You don't know he's lying is not the same as you know he isn't lying, nor that he isn't about to do something unwise (and at the very least, he has to be lying to someone given his stories don't match). Suppose OP trusts her husband and then he really does do the stuff he was only looking into? How happy will she and their dependent children be then? She needs to know what's going on while there's still a chance to stop it all going pear-shaped.

First, I am on the side of people who do not disapprove of going through his history like this. This is not the same as looking at photos of the family on holiday or using his WhatsApp because your phone battery has died. But anyway, you've been told that enough.

I also think it is very strange to suggest that the only reason you are not getting a divorce is because of the kids' financial security, when you haven't even spoken to your DH about it.

Which brings me to my main point, why on earth are you spending hours pounding messages into your laptop on Mumsnet with a face of fury when the man is sat in the same room, or at least is in the house somewhere? You say that he won't see this as an invasion as you both snoop through each other's phones all the time, so just ask him about the business. I'd keep the bike for a separate conversation so the issues don't get conflated. The bike probably merits strong words, but the business may not. Maybe he has a business partner who is putting up the money. Maybe he has a plan that it will only take a few hours of his time. Maybe he'll convince you this is a great idea and next year you'll be millionaires. Maybe this is all a pipedream and it won't go anywhere. In your head you've already got him quitting his job, failing in his business and leaving you all homeless, wearing rags and starving while he whizzes around on his new bike. He's your husband. You have children with this man. Just talk to him.

Hi OP,
Does your child with Autism get DLA? Do you get child benefit for the kids?
I'd say that those payments are to improve the kids lives - so if there is money left after your basic household needs (rent/bills/basic clothes/food) then I would say that the kids activities/resources/days out/holidays/savings take priority if that's where the extra money is coming from.

Do you have a friend you trust 100% who knows you both who you could confide in? It's not unheard of for people to bend the truth a little about expensive purchases if money is tight, rather than face a showdown. For me it's more about the trust than the money, but then you're not in a strong position there as you've had a look at his phone. Is he not telling the truth because he's lazy (hasn't got round to sorting out the WhatsApp thing even though he intends to) or because he's controlling (wants to keep you out the loop). Has he not told you about the business because he thinks you'll shut down the idea, or because it's not something that will definitely happen, therefore there's no point raising something that might cause tension at the minute?

As you say everyone is different, so your assumption of the level of cognitive ability of someone you’ve never met, based on her having a certain condition is stereotyping and ableist. But then you know that, so we’ll leave it there so as not to derail.

If you're so confident about this then there's no reason for you not to have known about the business and bike - if he knows you can see everything on his phone, maybe he assumes you already know all about it?!

My DH and l are the same we can look at each others phones without stress… if you are married why would this be an issue ? (unless you are cheating)
however his lies would be a deal breaker for me.

Hmmm i don’t know but he sounds like he’s scared to tell you the truth in case you try and dissuade him etc so he lies.

Wow...when the OP gave up her career to have DC and the family rely heavily on DH's earnings surely not?

Hes a lying bastard. Snoop on his phone all you like. Hed be out the gap as soon as i discovered what he had done. The phone would be the least of his worries.

My concern would be that he’s got a secret credit card or something OP .

It makes no sense to me that a close couple would have one party setting up a secret business . Surely your life partner is the one you run all these ideas by ?

I think you’re right to be worried and need to talk to him though I would be having a good house and car search first .

It's the lying about the Scouts thing that would actually really enrage me. Why lie about that? Why not just send the message about adding you there and then, even if he'd forgotten to do it before?

He's clearly just a person who's in the habit of lying the whole time, about big and small things. I couldn't trust someone like that. He might well just be lying to his friends about buying a bike, and lying to himself about starting a business: who knows?

Also, I don't really understand how someone can secretly buy an expensive item when you have family finances, unless he's either lying to you about how much he earns or running up secret debt on a credit card you don't know about. Because surely either you have joint finances and can see how much the other person is spending, or you have separate finances but both contribute to a pot, with some personal spending money that's separate from that? Does he just control the family finances and you can't see them?

It doesn't sound like this is a healthy relationship at all. At the very least you need to be in couple's therapy.

Where have I assumed? I’ve literally said ‘I don’t know how your autism affects you’, talked about something my friends struggle with which is 100% related and suggested she speak to him to get clarity. Not exactly ableist.

There is nothing wrong with being neurodivergent, it’s not a reflection on someone’s ‘cognitive ability’ at all so I’m not sure where you’ve got that from. Ignoring the fact that we all process information differently (regardless of labels) is unhelpful and can lead to conflict.

Ok well stop complaining about it then...

I'm a little confused. If it's genuinely the case that you have free access to each other's phones and neither of you expects any privacy regarding anything on their phone, these aren't really secrets are they? He would have expected you could have seen all of this. So, if you what you say about the phone access is correct, I feel like you have to approach any conversation from the perspective of acknowledging he wasn't trying to hide these things but you just hadn't talked about them yet.

Nothing. But I still have a right to a private life. Snooping around in someone's phone is the modern equivalent of reading their diary and private letters. In fact, it's actually worse, because pretty much everything is stored there.

Sounds like he might be planning an exit…

OP this would really worry me. He could be starting up a business and if it goes apeshit you are liable too, I understand that in Britain you are liable for all your husband´s debts even though it was accrued without your knowledge. Thank god I´m married in the total separation of assets regime, my husband is shit with money. You need to investigate re debt in your names and if your house has been remortgaged. Good luck, the lying made me lose all respect I had for him.

Only liable for debts in joint names.