Grandparents going over our head to fund gap year

[Pinkyoo]

DD is doing her A-Levels and has decided to take a gap year. We told her she will need to fund this herself.
She's been in touch with an internship group where she can do a 16 week internship in Colombia. She's desperate to do it. It is £5500 for the fees alone (including accommodation), then flights and living costs.
DD has been working part time since the day after her 16th birthday and saves most of what she earns. We've already helped contribute to the cost of her inter-railing in Europe over summer with her friends.

Today my mum told me that she and my dad have decided they will entirely fund the internship, including flights. But need DD to use her savings to cover the living costs (recommended $100-200 per week).

They've said they will also help her with travelling for some of her gap year.

We are in a position where when DD goes to uni, we can cover her living costs and give her money for food. But she will need to work to travel etc.

I hate that my parents have gone over our head to fund this. I'd hoped DD would find full time work in her gap year. Now it's looking more like travel in the summer, travel in autumn, internship January, then maybe more travelling.

AIBU to think this is ridiculous and they are spoiling her?

@Pinkyoo I would help her research other options. Agree with PPs about the value of this particular position and her personal safety. I think you need to speak to the GPs to to explain your concerns. Try to look at alternative options. Do the unis she's applying to have any programs or connections?

YABU. I had a similar dilemma when my sister wanted to give DD a monthly allowance when she went off to Uni. I felt that DD should work to pay her way, but soon realised that if my sister wanted to do that and it made her happy then I wouldn't object. It has meant that DD can concentrate fully on her studies and not worry financially, she has worked hard and had great results in her 2 years at uni. DD is so grateful to my sister. They keep in touch regularly and have developed such a lovely bond.

Your daughter sounds hardworking and far from spoilt. Your parents should have asked you first, but maybe knew that you'd say no, so when straight to your daughter. I'd let them help your daughter.

You sound mean

Does anywhere here actually think letting an 18 year old go to Colombia is a good idea?
Regardless of the actual value of what she wants to do. Can anyone say they would let their 18 year old go to Colombia for 4 months?

Paying to go and work in Columbia, thousands of miles away from home, is not the same as paying to go to learn at uni though!

Going by OPs initial post she doesn't have any safety concerns at all, she's just pissed off that her parents are doing this for her daughter. That's obviously driven by some kind of resentment or jealousy.

I would certainly advise any young woman to do their research and go with a reputable company. I wouldn't snipe about their plans and pressure them to get a job instead.

As a PP said, OP's daughter isn't going to listen to her now after her negativity.

@PollyPut It's not even the distance that bothers me, she can be as many hundreds of miles away she likes as long as it's somewhere safe!
She seems the be on a "if I never take risk life will be boring" tangent whenever we talk.

I categorically would prefer at 18 she avoided South America and South East Asia entirely.

She's not a baby op. She's an adult. Refusing to let other people support her because you think it's not something you'd choose is unfair

Shes 18 OP. An adult. She can do what she wants.
You can offer pad ice but ultimately it’s up to her. Try not to push her away by ‘telling’ her.

What do you mean 'let' her?

She's an adult and you're not funding this.

I have to admit despite the fact I think you are unreasonable to want to block her going, I wouldn’t want an 18 year old to go there alone. Are there other countries she would be interested in?

She's being stubborn because you keep dismissing everything without finding anything out about it.

Presumably she won't be quite as independent in 18 months time when she needs you to fund her through university when she's only entitled to receive the minimum maintenance loan.

Even if she is inexperienced (as most 18 year olds are) she does not need to pay £5k for an "internship". She's chucking that money away.

Much of South America would be much safer. If she's insisting then she should be doing some research to work out which areas are safer before planning a trip. That's what adults do.

Has she, and your parents, read the relevant FCO page?
https://www.gov.uk/foreign-travel-advice/colombia

I travelled round Colombia independently not long ago and loved it. The people were great, amazing scenery, history and culture. Never an issue with safety. Sure, you must be aware of risks like many places and there are areas off limits but some people have an outdated fearful idea about Colombia due to its history. No, I wouldn't hang around certain parts of Bogota or Medellin at night but other towns were fine. I'd be more concerned about a country like Mexico currently.
In any case, if she has decent Spanish (which will improve considerably whilst living there) and has help with accommodation and work then she will soon find her feet. Is she generally sensible, smart, adaptable, has common sense?
The main thing that strikes me is the cost and it sounds like a rip off for an internship.

I spent a year in South East Asia as an 18yo. It was one of the best things I've ever done, and I am immensely grateful to my parents for supporting my plans and not trying to limit me. It's only with hindsight that I've truly understood how incredibly hard this must have been for my ultra anxious mum. This makes me appreciate them all the more.

I think it's fair enough to have concerns about Colombia, but ridiculous to write off huge regions like the whole of South America and South East Asia.

South East Asia is generally fine for young travellers and is teeming with them, I'm not sure what your concerns are there.

Internships are full time work, but often either unpaid or you pay tuition fees for the privilege of a leg up on other, less privileged, aspiring students towards your career of choice. The grandparents are contributing in a way that will help her get a good start on her career as much as her degree will. 16 weeks is more than January? January to April?

Really? You haven't looked into an internship in Columbia? Do you know much about Colombia?

I think travel and an internship is a great idea and would loved to have had financial help to do it.

I think the problem is that they went over your head.
I think it would've been appropriate to discuss this with your first, before their grandchild.

However, I do think it's nice of them to offer this.

Carving a life out for yourself is so hard. And the demands and responsibilities only increase in life.

She's young and obviously a hard worker and responsible saving etc.

I'd want to support her to travel etc while she's young if I could afford it.

In my 20s I lived between my parents and my boyfriends for years. They only asked for a token amount out of principle (a pittance). They knew I was working hard, working full time, saving, completed my degree and 2 post grad courses. Other peoples parents were charging them rent and bills from 18.

House prices are insane and so is the cost of living. I am so so thankful to my parents that they relieved me of the pressure of paying them rent and bills during this time. They knew that saving my own money was too necessary.

I think overall it's marvellous your parents want to fund her gap year so she can travel etc. they just should've discussed it with you first.

I would guess they've gone over OP's head because they know what she's like and how she'll react.

Again, her DD is an adult, so her grandparents don't need permission to make this offer to her.

This sounds like a scam tbh

I think bankrolling a grand European inter-rail months long vacation is more frivolous and likely to “spoil” a teenager than is funding a 16 week professional internship during a gap year. You can’t put backpacking across Europe, drinking, partying, and being a tourist on a resume for a career building job like you can with an internship.

Hi OP,
My friend sent me this, I think she mentioned above that I did something similar a few years ago now.
The company I arranged my intern abroad through doesn't exist anymore, however if you PM me I'll send some others that I know are reputable.

I did my internship in Cartagena, Colombia. My role was Events and Marketing. I worked with an NGO who focused on encouraging children and young adults to adopt healthy habits including affordable cooking and sports. A lot of it was "watching" what the others were doing. Occasionally getting given the odd job. We hosted events at a tennis court frequently and I loved that as it was a real opportunity to meet locals. That was only 3 days a week and I viewed it as though that was voluntary and I wasn't paying for it.

What I felt I was paying for were

• Accomodation
• In country guide who helped with transport and healthcare etc.
• Spanish classes for 6-8 hours a week
• Organised Excursions 2 times a week
• Colombian Cooking classes once a week
• Salsa lessons followed by a in accommodation party once a week
• Breakfast

In the end this all seemed worth the cost.

As for Cartagena itself. I just was extra vigilant, we never really went out alone, definitely not drinking alone or without a big group. Didn't carry anything expensive, I took a cheap flip phone, and a cheap smart phone. I left the iPhone at home as it wasn't worth the risk. Never carried a lot of cash (never more than I could afford to lose). We had one dodgy encounter where a guy mugged some of us, but it was as simple as not fighting and giving what we had. All I had was the flip phone and money, he left the phone on the pavement as clearly he didn't see it worth his time, took the money. It wasn't a lot of money and while I was shaken up, we were ok.
I've had my phone stolen out of my hand in a not horrendously awful part of SE London though so I don't think that was special to Colombia.
If you have any questions DM me but I wouldn't say no if I were you, it was one of the best experiences of my life. I have friends all over the world now who I get to go visit and I'm so glad I got the opportunity.

I feel your dilemma OP. There is definitely a compromise to be made somewhere. She wants to do Spanish... maybe the compromise that she goes and works in Spain for 180 days. Its closer if something goes wrong, and she can learn all the really tough stuff about moving countries first i.e. bureaucracy/culture differences, being part of the traveler culture.

Then she will have a bit of better understanding of what it takes to move countries and she can fund herself to go to S.America sounds like a great idea, especially if she wants to do languages.

When my son took a gap year and then applied to various US unis, he was told they did not want students to be working jobs during their gap year. It was supposed to be volunteer work, though it could be funded by scholarship or stipend. Perhaps UK unis are different. But I do highly recommend a gap year. DS returned with renewed energy and focus, and had matured. He also had dengue fever, which I do not recommend.