Grandparents going over our head to fund gap year

[Pinkyoo]

DD is doing her A-Levels and has decided to take a gap year. We told her she will need to fund this herself.
She's been in touch with an internship group where she can do a 16 week internship in Colombia. She's desperate to do it. It is £5500 for the fees alone (including accommodation), then flights and living costs.
DD has been working part time since the day after her 16th birthday and saves most of what she earns. We've already helped contribute to the cost of her inter-railing in Europe over summer with her friends.

Today my mum told me that she and my dad have decided they will entirely fund the internship, including flights. But need DD to use her savings to cover the living costs (recommended $100-200 per week).

They've said they will also help her with travelling for some of her gap year.

We are in a position where when DD goes to uni, we can cover her living costs and give her money for food. But she will need to work to travel etc.

I hate that my parents have gone over our head to fund this. I'd hoped DD would find full time work in her gap year. Now it's looking more like travel in the summer, travel in autumn, internship January, then maybe more travelling.

AIBU to think this is ridiculous and they are spoiling her?

YANBU with your reservations ... but ... One of the (many, possibly never-ending) roles of a parent is to let the fledglings zoom off out of the nest, being ready to catch them if they fall.

DD's proposed year out sounds wonderful! It's quite heartening that she's not going to annoy some bush tribe somewhere with half-hearted attempts at hut building. There's a small possibility that she'll learn something useful about office work, being in a team and customer relations. Her Spanish will improve beyond measure. Colombia's an incredibly beautiful country.

Travel always smooths down a few rough edges, broadens horizons and brings unexpected adventures. If any of those adventures go badly wrong, as they can anywhere, please let her know you will take care of her - and also that running out of drinks money/shampoo/etc is not a parental rescue situation 😉

I can see why you're annoyed with your parents, but this is probably not the time to get in a tug-o'-war with them over parental authority.

I've been to Bogotá a couple of times and it's no more dangerous than most cities in the world. I met women who were travelling all around Colombia by themselves and said they felt perfectly safe. Obviously one should take the same precautions as you would anywhere. I'm sorry I have no idea how internships would work there though.

I'd be thrilled if i haf parents who'd do this for my dc. What a great opportunity. They can spend their money as they wish. Can't take it with them!

@Pinkyoo no, I think it sounds dangerous and completely insane. There are plenty of safer countries where she can speak Spanish, if that’s what she wants.

A bit late to this but …

I wouldn’t be paying (an exorbitant amount) to do an unpaid internship in Colombia.

If your DD is keen to go to South America to improve her language skills and travel then I’d be looking at the companies that place you in local language schools for a few weeks and incorporate travel and volunteering opportunities as well.

I’d certainly be wary of an 18 yo going to Colombia unless you were very, very confident of the company organising it.

Have they told her (not read that, but happy to stand corrected).

Otherwise, though what an amazing thing for them to do. Frankly, id swallow any ire and take it for the amazing opportunity.

I spent a year, on my own, travelling and working in Macau, Hong Kong and China after my degree. Macau is just one huge drug barons den, or was in the 80s when I was there.

Then after my postgrad I studied at Oklahoma Uni and travelled down to Mexico through to Columbia and down to Peru. On my own and mainly by bus.

I was 24/25.

Maybe as I’d already travelled and lived abroad I was very aware of safety issues. But if you have the bug to travel, and I still do then it’s an itch that just has to be scratched.

If your dd has an arranged internship in Columbia and it’s legit I don’t see an issue.

It’s far safer now than it used to be.

Ps. All three of mine travelled before they started Uni including to some very wild places.

My twenty something DS and a couple of friends went to Colombia for a backpacking trip. They are all sensible adults. They had an amazing time, but I’m not convinced it’s safe. I was glad he got back only missing a debit card and phone.

Yes YABU it’s great her DGP are supporting her

I started full time work at 16 and will have to work until 67 at the earliest. 51 fucking years solid. One of the few regrets I have is not doing some travelling when I was younger. If you can't do it at 18, when can you? Support her with this, she has a long working life ahead of her and at 18 you can't stop her anyway.

That's not what the OP was about, though. She's an adult, as are her GPs and what they decide is between them.

Replying to this post on its own no, I'm not sure I'd want my daughter working in Columbia so I'd be researching the safety with her, and discussing it together. And if she decided she wanted to go then I'd support her because she's old enough to make her own informed choices.

You can still do it now.
My dh and I are in our late 50s and we still explore.

Staying in packpackers hostels is not just for the young.

I think your daughter sounds brilliant and it's lovely that her grandparents have offered to financially contribute to her travels.

I personally think funding living costs and all food through uni is more 'spoiling' than what the grandparents are doing tbh. I don't think I'd worry about her being spoiled though, she sounds like she has an adventurous spirit that will require dedication to her studies/job promotions to keep funding so I don't think it will make her work shy or whatever your concerns are. I wish my teenager had even a modicum of interest in similar.

You're not the OP who posted about her DD wanting to take a gap year and study languages at uni, and being upset because she doesn't know what she wants to do with her life?

Either way you need to back off.
You are being far more stubborn than your DD right now.

I think she's being incredibly naiive about Colombia. Could you encourage her to go somewhere less ambitious for now, and say you'll suport her decision if she wants to do the Colombia trip after uni? She'll at least be a bit wiser by then, and also quite likely to have gone off the idea.

There was a post on here last week from a mother whose daughter was set up by the police in a South American country and she was an experienced traveller. It's all very well being fearless and pushing your boundaries, but build up some street-smarts first!

I think people here are being a bit over the top about Colombia and its safety.
I've lived all over the world (including Colombia at 18) and the least safe places have never been those that the statistics would tell you they are.
Obviously it's about being smart, vigilant and cautious. No expensive phones or lots of cash, staying in groups, avoiding being out at night etc.
The most terrifying experience I've ever had was in the states. I felt threatened and intimidated by a police officer and it's the only time while travelling I've felt scared.
I've lived in Cartagena and Montevideo in South America and had positive experiences.
No where is truly safe and I think in "dangerous" places you naturally have exercise more caution, inadvertently making it safer.
If it's with an established provider they will give lots of tips and you should be with other people most of the time, so some safety in numbers.

I think that there are 2 issues here. Firstly, your parents going above your head and secondly, you think your daughter ought to be more responsible for her finances and get a job to start saving.
I don’t hold with the MN idea that children need to help pay their way through university to teach them financial competence. Most children will learn this before they are 18. We were lucky enough to be able to completely finance our children through uni and they can clearly manage their finances now. Both my children have saved up and gone travelling through Africa, South America and Asia. Yes we were very worried at the time. However, they probably won’t get another chance to do,this.
I think if I was helping grandchildren, I would run it past their parents first.

It sounds like a cliché. A year in South America where you actually have to pay 4 figures to be an intern?
Come on...

It sounds like you just don't want her to go. You thought everyone on here would agree with your op and now they haven't, you have latched on to the safety aspect to justify your concern.

You say south east Asia terrifies you too, why?

You seem to just want to hold your daughter back and clip her wings. Thank goodness for the grandparents to be honest.

Hi there. My son is also finishing A levels this year and I understand your desire for your daughter to be responsible, but she seems pretty responsible already so you have already accomplished that! Having this abundance come to her with a lot of love is wonderful will help her to be a more well rounded human who can work hard and also relax and enjoy the gifts of the Universe! Let her embrace her good fortune and you too can be grateful for such loving parents! Not everyone gets this 💖

OP, I lived in Colombia for two and a half years so I can give you advice on areas particularly on the northern coast. Colombia has made progress in development and safety in the last few years. I’m not saying it’s completely safe but the only issues you are likely to encounter there are pick pocketing and being overcharged.

When I needed help with a passport issue, the British embassy there were amazing and I also needed emergency dental treatment, I was well looked after. There are many amazing experiences to be had in Colombia if you are careful and do your research. Many people on this thread are making generalisations and can’t even spell the country correctly. It’s Colombia, not Columbia.

I can’t really advise about the internship unfortunately as I’m a teacher however if your daughter has the travel bug and is prepared to do the research and work involved, I would get involved and make it as safe as possible. Trying to stop her will just cause resentment.

Working whilst at Uni isn't just about earning money.

Employers look very favourably on graduates who have shown the initiative to get real work experience whilst at Uni, basically they will always go with a graduate who has worked rather than one that hasn't, even if the degree isn't as good.

It's brilliant what your sister is doing buy it could also backfire.

Your daughter should volunteer somewhere at the very least.

This is an amazing opportunity!
Please allow her to grasp it with both hands, without being made to feel guilty.

My DD is the same age and her gap year soon will be funded by the money my Dad who has a lot more money than I, will give her.

I'm just honestly grateful to have that back up.

Your parents will be thrilled to giver this opportunity. They wont be around forever, allow them to do this. I imagine they will be really happy if she is...

Just to offer a different perspective.

My niece is 19, in her first year of uni. Her mum (my sister) passed away the summer before she went into year 7. Both she and her husband were doctors. A year before she passed when she was diagnosed with a terminal illness they packed up and moved to a small town in the north. Clearing their mortgage.
This meant all her life insurance was left for "fun".
She made direct notes about what it should be spent on. Part of that was a gap year or a fun year for her only DD. She had gone straight to med school and said her biggest regret wasn't seeing the world. She wrote in a letter that no one will ever live a perfect life and manufacturing hardship is an odd form of cruelty.

My niece did 4 months in South East Asia and Australia, 4 months teaching English in Central America, 2 months travelling South America and 1 month travelling Central America. She did all her travelling on tours (was originally just going to be the SE Asia part as a tour but she loved it so much she did them all as tours). It was expensive but my niece flourished. She is one of the most interesting, worldly and mature people I know. She's fascinating to talk to.
This was all funded every penny. Must have been 20k if not more in the end.

She worked 16-18 off her own back and lots of the savings she made still exists, she says she is saving for travelling in the summer and for her year abroad at uni. She is working at uni too despite not needing too as her the inheritance covers fees, accommodation and living expenses.

My brother in law was warned over and over that he shouldn't allow all this as she'd be spoilt and isolated from her peers. The opposite is true, she has a lovely core friendship group and is so friendly that she is well loved by even those who aren't her friends. No one cares that she went travelling for free or that she works for fun as she isn't arrogant or snobby about it. She gives herself a budget to stick to anyway.

DH and I have smaller children but we are now making it a priority to save for them to have the same wonderful experiences.

Please let her do this, if she has been raised well which it sounds she has been it will be one of the most enriching experiences of her life. Your child will face struggles as life goes on. We don't need to make our kids struggle as parents. It's a weird Mumsnet mindset that supporting and providing for your children will ruin them. I'm not sure where it comes from but it's not the case!