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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I report a whatsapp group to my son’s school ?

295 replies

M2BANTRIM · 11/03/2024 22:30

So I am a mum of an 11 year old boy and about a year ago we decided to get him a cellphone so that he can have access to his homework which is usually sent on a school app and we downloaded WhatsApp for him as well . As a backstory we are from a southern African country I do not want to mention living in the UK so WhatsApp allowed him to keep in touch with grandparents and extended family . About a month ago , he told me that he had been added to a group chat and within minutes he was crying hysterically. He showed me his phone only to discover that a meme of a black boy with bulging eyes had been sent on the chat and someone had captioned my son’s name . This sent me into a rage and I managed to contact the boy’s mum who had sent it and she apologised and the son did as well and I just decided not to further escalate it . So my son doesn’t really open his WhatsApp and can go for 3-4 days without been on it and I can check on his 'last seen' . I discovered that he had over 900 messages and I saw he had been added to another group chat and these are kids aged between 10-13 and the chats were horrifying . One girl sent a picture with her mouth wide open and was saying something along the lines of how she is good at oral . The kids were throwing insults at each other including use of the n word , b word , c word it was absolutely vile . But none of these were directed towards my son . I immediately removed my son out of the group , took screenshots and sent them to my phone and deleted everything from my son’s phone and changed his privacy settings that don’t allow him to be added to a group without his permission first . So my question is will I be unreasonable to take the screenshots to the principal and have these kids dealt with ? In another chat one girl told another girl to delete herself because she was a c word ? Should I ignore this or take it up to the principal ? At the end of the day I do not want to be labelled a Karen but at the same time these kids are very unhinged . Please help

OP posts:
CactusMactus · 12/03/2024 11:13

Yes of course tell the school. There is a safeguarding issue here with that young girl too.

Cauliflowery · 12/03/2024 11:20

Notpossibly · 12/03/2024 10:18

Unlike you, I believe that women are real and have agency and they are not the creation of the Patriarchy. Not all of those women are perfect. Some of those imperfections are shared.

If all our language is the creation of the patriarchy, as you imply, I can only use patriachial language to describe anything, including women.

But what of a gay man. The Patriarchy subjected him to awful prejudice and horrific and dehumanising punishment. Are gay men part of the Patriarchy.

Men, including white men, have been enslaved throughout history. Are they the Patriarchy?

What of weak, stupid, inadequate men? The Patriarchy exploited them. Sending them down mines, out to sea and off to war? Are those inadequate men the Patriarchy?

Before the first women were given the vote in 1918 half of British men didn't have the vote. Were those disenfranchised 50% the Patriarchy?

But to return to Karen. I confess I didn't know that the term was coined in Britain. But we do share our language with Americans. We can't just ignore what words mean to them. The term Karen is now being used to describe men, which arguably empowers women and removes the misogyny.

The one thing I wrote/implied that you don't seem to disagree with is that women complain/ make a fuss more than men. That really is the heart of the issue.

Sorry to have derailed your thread OP, but I share responsibility with the people who complained/ made a fuss about your language. If only we had a non-sexist word to describe them.

Yes you're right it was a derail and a fairly pointless one in reaction to the horrible Karen slur. I probably agree with a good chunk of your reply too, and I must have expressed myself badly in the first place as I certainly don't think women are a product of the patriarchy, just femininity. But, not here to derail further, just an apology for jumping on your comment.

OhCrumbsWhereNow · 12/03/2024 11:21

In my experience, the WhatsApp groups and kids in general are pretty awful in Y6/7/8, then they seem to grow up in Y9 and everything settles down. The first 2 years of secondary seemed to be endless drama.

I'm actually in favour of kids having smart phones and WhatsApp from the beginning of Y7 - partly so they can learn to use social media with a lot of parental oversight. I held out on SnapChat until Y9 purely because that is much harder to monitor. The idea of telling a 16 year old with their first smartphone and access to social media that I'm going to check it, or expecting them to divulge what is being said... not nearly as simple as an 11 year old

DD knew I was going to randomly check her phone several times a week and so I was able to catch minor things very early and have a chat - things like making tiktok dances and using backing songs with inappropriate lyrics (DD hadn't even thought of that), or pointing out language on the class WAG that was a bit unkind. Luckily her class were always pretty nice to each other on there and there has never been a post I've been concerned about.

Being able to have open conversations with your child is really important - and especially around things like not sending anything inappropriate or that could come back on them later, as well as getting them to come to you if they feel there are things being said that make them worried or uncomfortable.

The genie is out of the bottle with phones and social media. I know several parents who are very proud that their child only has a brick phone and no social media at 15... I also know that those children do have smartphones... because their mates gave them their old one when they upgraded so they could be on the group chats. That is far more concerning imo as there is zero parental overview.

HROSESATTERS · 12/03/2024 11:21

Tell the school but it's impossible to manage. They will remove the group and 3 more will pop up. It's awful. I hope your son is okay x

PTSDBarbiegirl · 12/03/2024 11:23

Did your son gain access to the pictures and groups on a device supplied by school, whilst at school. If so this would be a major IT breach. No school I know would allow a school device to be used to access social media. If it was you who supplied the device and allowed access to social media then the responsibility is yours. This is why schools and local authorities are very strict around blocking sites on school devices.

567839Y · 12/03/2024 11:23

I think it depends what the school is like.

I’d definitely 💯 tell them if I trusted them not to mention it was me or my son, in any way. They’re used to it, they know how to handle these things without dropping kids in it.

If you think the school is not trustworthy, then I’d not tell them for obvious reasons.

They’d have to be a pretty bad school to not enable anonymous reporting.

It sounds awful, 😢

VickyEadieofThigh · 12/03/2024 11:25

HROSESATTERS · 12/03/2024 11:21

Tell the school but it's impossible to manage. They will remove the group and 3 more will pop up. It's awful. I hope your son is okay x

How can the school "remove the group"?

567839Y · 12/03/2024 11:26

OhCrumbsWhereNow · 12/03/2024 11:21

In my experience, the WhatsApp groups and kids in general are pretty awful in Y6/7/8, then they seem to grow up in Y9 and everything settles down. The first 2 years of secondary seemed to be endless drama.

I'm actually in favour of kids having smart phones and WhatsApp from the beginning of Y7 - partly so they can learn to use social media with a lot of parental oversight. I held out on SnapChat until Y9 purely because that is much harder to monitor. The idea of telling a 16 year old with their first smartphone and access to social media that I'm going to check it, or expecting them to divulge what is being said... not nearly as simple as an 11 year old

DD knew I was going to randomly check her phone several times a week and so I was able to catch minor things very early and have a chat - things like making tiktok dances and using backing songs with inappropriate lyrics (DD hadn't even thought of that), or pointing out language on the class WAG that was a bit unkind. Luckily her class were always pretty nice to each other on there and there has never been a post I've been concerned about.

Being able to have open conversations with your child is really important - and especially around things like not sending anything inappropriate or that could come back on them later, as well as getting them to come to you if they feel there are things being said that make them worried or uncomfortable.

The genie is out of the bottle with phones and social media. I know several parents who are very proud that their child only has a brick phone and no social media at 15... I also know that those children do have smartphones... because their mates gave them their old one when they upgraded so they could be on the group chats. That is far more concerning imo as there is zero parental overview.

Yes. There are also apps now that don’t actually show on the phone. So even if a parent checked they’d not know it was there. Etc etc and it’s endless.

The only way it’s remotely ’ Manageable’ is to educate the kids. But it’s like trying to fill a bucket which has holes in it. Sadly. Social media is a menace.

Fraaahnces · 12/03/2024 11:30

I’ll bet that there is an equally vile WhatsApp group consisting of parents too.
I disagree with sucking it up and toughing it out though. That’s teaching your son to tolerate racism. It’s not just socially and morally abhorrent behaviour, it’s a crime. Your family may have moved to the area from another country, but you are entitled to the same legal protection as anyone else. Your son deserves better than this.

OhCrumbsWhereNow · 12/03/2024 11:31

567839Y · 12/03/2024 11:26

Yes. There are also apps now that don’t actually show on the phone. So even if a parent checked they’d not know it was there. Etc etc and it’s endless.

The only way it’s remotely ’ Manageable’ is to educate the kids. But it’s like trying to fill a bucket which has holes in it. Sadly. Social media is a menace.

Edited

Agree - and my DD turns icons into pictures that look very pretty but I have no clue what they are!!

I am immensely relieved that she had a smartphone from Y6 (in lockdown) and so I was able to do huge amounts of monitoring and "educating" in years 6 and 7.

Finding news articles about celebrities coming unstuck over casual comments online was something that hit home with her.

For the OP, I would definitely raise it with school, and also drop something into the parent's year group WAG suggesting everyone take a look at it.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 12/03/2024 11:39

Pottedpalm · 11/03/2024 22:36

I am of the opinion that school should not have to deal with what goes on on social media. So much time is wasted in this stuff by senior staff when the priority should be teaching.

It is teaching - teaching them to avoid racist hate speech and misogyny!

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 12/03/2024 11:39

KvotheTheBloodless · 12/03/2024 09:23

WhatsApp groups are NOT AT ALL the same as text messaging, and are far, far more open to abuse.

In what way are they different? If you are monitoring your child's usage? And you have the settings closed as much as possible? And - of course - you are having regular conversations about appropriate contact?

Cauliflowery · 12/03/2024 11:41

567839Y · 12/03/2024 11:26

Yes. There are also apps now that don’t actually show on the phone. So even if a parent checked they’d not know it was there. Etc etc and it’s endless.

The only way it’s remotely ’ Manageable’ is to educate the kids. But it’s like trying to fill a bucket which has holes in it. Sadly. Social media is a menace.

Edited

Do those apps bypass a parental control thing, like Google family link? The adult has to approve any app the kid downloads and can set app and screen usage times.

I'm annoyed that WhatsApp has evolved from simply a messaging app to something looking closer to Facebook.

M2BANTRIM · 12/03/2024 11:41

PTSDBarbiegirl · 12/03/2024 11:23

Did your son gain access to the pictures and groups on a device supplied by school, whilst at school. If so this would be a major IT breach. No school I know would allow a school device to be used to access social media. If it was you who supplied the device and allowed access to social media then the responsibility is yours. This is why schools and local authorities are very strict around blocking sites on school devices.

If you read my original post I stated that the school has an app called Seesaw where homework is posted . I had installed WhatsApp to communicate with family outside of the country and as are living as expatriates. The device is ours and not school property

OP posts:
Cauliflowery · 12/03/2024 11:44

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 12/03/2024 11:39

It is teaching - teaching them to avoid racist hate speech and misogyny!

Absolutely! And in the case of my son's primary school, they brought in the adults for after school education about this too.

Having a harmonious school environment where different types of kids mix well is only going to benefit teaching and learning.

violetmondays · 12/03/2024 11:44

I would tell the school. They can use the information to a) know why kids might be unhappy or falling out at school and b) include extra learning around behaving respectfully to others and online. When something similar happened with my daughter we told the school and they said they want to know about things like this. As it happens, there were other parents that had complained as well and you may find the school already know about it.

whiteboardking · 12/03/2024 11:46

OhCrumbsWhereNow · 12/03/2024 11:21

In my experience, the WhatsApp groups and kids in general are pretty awful in Y6/7/8, then they seem to grow up in Y9 and everything settles down. The first 2 years of secondary seemed to be endless drama.

I'm actually in favour of kids having smart phones and WhatsApp from the beginning of Y7 - partly so they can learn to use social media with a lot of parental oversight. I held out on SnapChat until Y9 purely because that is much harder to monitor. The idea of telling a 16 year old with their first smartphone and access to social media that I'm going to check it, or expecting them to divulge what is being said... not nearly as simple as an 11 year old

DD knew I was going to randomly check her phone several times a week and so I was able to catch minor things very early and have a chat - things like making tiktok dances and using backing songs with inappropriate lyrics (DD hadn't even thought of that), or pointing out language on the class WAG that was a bit unkind. Luckily her class were always pretty nice to each other on there and there has never been a post I've been concerned about.

Being able to have open conversations with your child is really important - and especially around things like not sending anything inappropriate or that could come back on them later, as well as getting them to come to you if they feel there are things being said that make them worried or uncomfortable.

The genie is out of the bottle with phones and social media. I know several parents who are very proud that their child only has a brick phone and no social media at 15... I also know that those children do have smartphones... because their mates gave them their old one when they upgraded so they could be on the group chats. That is far more concerning imo as there is zero parental overview.

Totally agree. I know of a girl who has two smart phones.
Not even a brick & a smart.
One the parents restrict and check and one the parents don't know about with everything on & used to arrange to meet boyfriends etc Yr9
Education on social media is more effective as it's their world now

Mummyexpat · 12/03/2024 11:47

We had a problem with a class WhatsApp group my 12 year old son was on. Mainly complete spamming nonsense, but I checked his phone one time and there was definite sexual innuendos from one of the girls (think aubergine emoji etc) and she asked for d*ck pics! I contacted the school with my safeguarding concerns and, after being assured that nothing could be linked to my son, sent them the screenshots. They then sent an email to all the class parents outlining the issues and most of the parents were alarmed enough to remove their kids from the WhatsApp group. Not sure what happened with the girl but nothing came back to us. I really think you need to report it, it’s not okay and they need to be taught this. Good luck. X

areyoutheregod · 12/03/2024 11:53

Absolutely tell the school, sorry you had to see all of that, it must of been alarming.

whiteboardking · 12/03/2024 11:54

@Mummyexpat I think these things are very common, kids too young to really think what they doing & digital footprint etc. Hopefully adults will intervene quickly and they'll all only do it once

IfOn · 12/03/2024 11:58

What on earth is going on with kids these days? Poor parenting or lack thereof? I'm so worried for my little boy when he gets to that age 😪

PTSDBarbiegirl · 12/03/2024 11:59

@M2BANTRIM report any incidence of racist behaviour as school needs log it and be aware. Seesaw can be accessed via a desktop or tablet so no need to use a phone. Social media causes nothing but problems in school especially 10 yrs plus unfortunately.

2boyzNosleep · 12/03/2024 12:06

NotQuiteNorma · 12/03/2024 08:25

I'm struggling a bit with the picture with your son's name on it? If someone sent my son a picture of a white boy with his name attached, my mind wouldn't jump straight to racism.

Unfortunately this happens to black & POC a lot. Regularly getting compared to something unfavourable, which then can perpertrate further racism.

It is racist, but unfortunately it's a more of a 'hidden' form of racism, that unless you've experienced it you are likely to not understand it.

If your son was the only white person in the class and he was labelled on a picture of say, Jimmy Savile, it would be horrific and racist. It is essentially saying that this is what all people of this colour look like/do and that person is associated with something negative.

OP- maybe you could report the WhatsApp but realistically I'm not sure what the school can do other than have a 'talk'during assembly or PHSE, and emailing the parents about disturbing messages

They have no control over what the children do on social media, so I doubt anything will change.

Yes the sexualised messages are a concern but also could be puberty. I do remember girls asking boys about whether they had big books and saying stuff like giving head- some of these were my friends and had absolutely no history of any fork of exposure or abuse- they did not actually mean it.

The difference now is that all these horrid things kids say, are now on social media where they can be looked at. No excuse but kids say the worst things and really do not see the impact they have.

At the moment at my sons school there's a big problem with having 'The N pass', essentially a black child gives their non-black friend permission to say the n word. Do they realise its awful and racist? Not in the slightest. My son is adamant he does not do this and is aware to never say it himself but who knows?

HamiltonHarty · 12/03/2024 12:13

NotQuiteNorma · 12/03/2024 08:25

I'm struggling a bit with the picture with your son's name on it? If someone sent my son a picture of a white boy with his name attached, my mind wouldn't jump straight to racism.

What a silly comment. White people are not an oppressed minority. I can't believe you can't see how posting a meme of a black boy with bulging eyes with the ds' name isn't racist.

Notpossibly · 12/03/2024 12:23

VickyEadieofThigh · 12/03/2024 11:25

How can the school "remove the group"?

Put the group members in detention until they leave the group?
I don't have a problem with punishing people for being part of a racist, sexist organisation.