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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want in laws to visit in the week baby arrives?

325 replies

pleasechange · 26/03/2008 15:45

Haven't yet discussed this one with DH, so would appreciate some views first! My parents live 100s of miles away and I have agreed with my mum that she will come as soon as I go into labour (DH agrees with this). She is very thoughtful and has even offered to stay in a b&b so she doesn't get in the way and will only stay 1 night after baby is born. With respect to other visitors though, I'd really rather not have any until after about a week (especially as in laws would all arrive separately - e.g. MIL, FIL separated, BIL, GIL - also DSC).

Does this sound unreasonable?

OP posts:
soapbox · 27/03/2008 22:38

I find this to be passive-agression at its worst. A way of new mum using their 'vulnerability' to control access to their child. Oh DH - did he have anything to do with this child? Might he be as attached to his parents as I am to mine?

What a load of precious nonsense!

icklelou · 27/03/2008 22:40

Well said Soapbox.

WinkyWinkola · 27/03/2008 22:40

So a new mum doesn't need to rest then? She's not allowed to choose for herself who she might want to see for a week?

I'm amazed.

handlemecarefully · 27/03/2008 22:40

Soapbox - Spot on.

handlemecarefully · 27/03/2008 22:42

Winky - it's not that big a deal being a new mum. Really it's not (imho). Mum's of toddlers / Pre-schoolers are more in need of a rest!

WinkyWinkola · 27/03/2008 22:42

It's true. Mothers are expected to sacrifice absolutely everything for everyone else. Even her own recovery time. How very precious of them to want a few days to themselves, their new baby, their partner and their mums (who can blame them?).

I'm sure the OP will do exactly as she pleases. Good for her. And I hope any future DIL of mine will too.

soapbox · 27/03/2008 22:42

Well, I had just about the most long and arduous birth imaginable - but save for the first 24 hours really didn't have much need to 'rest'!

WinkyWinkola · 27/03/2008 22:43

Handlemecarefully, maybe becoming a new mum wasn't that big a deal for you but for lots of women it really is.

handlemecarefully · 27/03/2008 22:44

God me too - back to back delivery, forceps and ventouse, 24 hours plus, massive episiostomy, full theatre crew on standby ready for emergency c-section...but didn't feel particularly precious about my in laws

handlemecarefully · 27/03/2008 22:45
Hmm
snice · 27/03/2008 22:46

Not nonsense in every case - some ILs are v. hard work. After my first child was born both sets of parents came to visit. My mother cleaned the house from top to bottom/changed the beds/filled fridge with ready meals on the day I was due to leave hospital. My MIL never even offered to put the kettle on. I am of little interest to her as she makes clear whenever we visit. I can sit for a couple of hours without her asking me a single question about my life-she is only interested in talking to her son and her grandchildren.

handlemecarefully · 27/03/2008 22:46

I had PND, freaked out about everything and anything about my newborn. But still felt able to consider others. Lol - Mother Theresa (may she RIP) stand aside

suedonim · 27/03/2008 22:46

And neither will a new mum melt if her IL's come to see the baby for 15mins while she has a bath/sleep/Mumsnets.

soapbox · 27/03/2008 22:47

LOl - snap HMC!

Out of hospital on the same day as delivery, home for a bit of a rest and visitors and by the 3rd day was totally bored so off shopping for baby things

jammi · 27/03/2008 22:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

WinkyWinkola · 27/03/2008 22:49

That's up to the new mum to decide.

soapbox · 27/03/2008 22:51

No WW - I think it is up to the new family to decide and that includes ones DP or DH.

handlemecarefully · 27/03/2008 22:51

Quite so.

handlemecarefully · 27/03/2008 22:51

Congrats btw jammi!

QuintessentialShadows · 27/03/2008 22:53

I also managed to mortally offend my MIL during her stay when my youngest was born, which caused a bit of a family feud, with my MIL fleeing our house, and returning to her home country "in shame" as she said.

Mother in laws dont love you the same as your mother. They are not as tolerant to you and your "whims" as your mother.

I was very high on medications for my spd, had managed to come downstairs for the first time in two weeks. I dont speak polish, and my MIL does not speak much English. Of course, I was in the wrong, but she should have been more understanding. I made a puking gesture as I tried to explain that the sink was really dirty (I was usually quite slobby about washing the sink). She insisted I was saying she was as disgusting as Sick. I am sure this event, and the ensuing arguments was part of plummeling me into Post natal depression.

Please make sure you think carefully about who you surround you with after your baby is born. A visit is fine, but careful who you let come and stay.

QuintessentialShadows · 27/03/2008 22:53

Congratulations Jammi!

handlemecarefully · 27/03/2008 22:54

I agree Quint - be careful re who comes and stays...but embargoing close rellies from visiting - no.

shreddies · 27/03/2008 22:58

I don't see how anyone could object to their in laws coming to see them and the baby for an hour or two, on even a couple of consecutive days. But not all mils are that considerate - mine arrived with a big suitcase and an open ticket and came to the hospital to sit by my bed for 4 - 5 hours at a time even though I was sobbing with tiredness and just needed her to SHUT UP.

So you lot who had a good experience with your in laws then great, I agree, lovely to have sensitive visitors. But don't jump on those of us who might be somewhat wary of what the in law experience might be like. I bloody wish I had put my foot down more, because it makes me really angry and sad even now.

WinkyWinkola · 27/03/2008 23:02

QED, Shreddies. But what you feel doesn't matter as long as you make everyone else happy.

Theochris · 27/03/2008 23:05

In this instance there seems no need for the Ils to stay though. Surely a quick cuppa, hand over the gifts, say how beautiful the baby is and done, everyone is happy.

I hadn't noticed the dsc in the original post. If you are proposing to keep them away too, you need to think how this might look to them. If I have misunderstood this, apologies.