To be angry that DH was mean to me on my birthday

[Onlywantoneday]

So it was my birthday the other day. It started off good, DH organized home made cards from the kids which I got up to which was lovely, I was hoping to go out for the day but DH and DS 1 and 2 have all been ill the past few days so I didn't expect them to all come out while full of cold, we can do that another day.
I know this sounds childish but I didn't even get a homemade Cake! DH blamed me for forgetting to buy flour as we don't really do shop bought as most of them taste gack, and then later on in the afternoon while I was sitting out in the garden enjoying a bit of sunshine he came out and started manking and moaning that I hadn't picked up the dog poo for a couple of days! Now it is usually my job to do this as he is doing a lot of renovation work around the house etc etc which I am okay with, but I just thought on my bloody birthday he could of just not said anything to make me feel shitty for ONE DAY!
he cleaned it up himself but was still moaning about how much there was to the point that I stormed off in a huff. Anyway a couple of hours later he went out and came back with 2 of our friends from the village and a few snacks to try and 'put me in a better mood' but it still felt like a half arse attempt and I ended up listening to the 3 of then talk about war all evening. We had a massive row that evening and not speaking now because he doesn't think he was in the wrong and hadn't apologized and even thinks I'm acting like some sort of entitled princess! All I wanted was maybe a cake and just to be shown a bit of love and care. He said he wanted wanted get me a gift but couldn't find anything he wanted to get me.
In his defense, he has taken on full night duties with out 20 month old and has been suffering from sleep deprivation which does make him a bit grumpy and short fused but I can't help but feel like it shouldn't be a green light to being an arse.

AIBU?

Very judgy and unpleasant thing to say

She only got the evening do because she got upset.

The original do was ruined by her husband being a wanker.

Did you mean to reply to a different comment? I haven’t used ADHD as an insult.

This has to be a reverse!

Several of you seem to have missed the (admittedly heavily sarcastic) point I was making here — that ADHD is not a blanket excuse.

Many “highly qualified professionals” also disagree about the extent to which ADHD is over-diagnosed.

Wait, I was on your side OP! We cook from scratch but I still love shop bought birthday cake. You've made yourself sound like a right banana now 😂

I actually miss your point at all, I knew you were being facetious. The fact is however that the OP has an actual diagnosis, and executive function is one of the problems people with ADHD have.

Life can be hard and it is nice to be appreciated. It sounds like he tried to make up for upsetting you about the dog poo. In my experience relationships are a journey and every disagreement gives you the opportunity to learn more about each other and hopefully be more understanding and accommodating towards each other building a virtuous circle. It's not easy when you have young children, never mind also being tired and ill and having a big place to run.
Editing to add that if something is a big deal to you, like having a cake, let him know in advance otherwise you're giving him a target to meet that he doesn't know about. To you it might be obvious but I'm guessing it wasn't obvious to him that you wanted one, otherwise he sounds like the sort of person who would have done his best to make one.

he deserves a better DW i think x

So, given the disagreement I pointed out, what constitutes an “actual” diagnosis, and where are you getting this “actual” from?

This is why I made some suggestions as to how to manage what appears to be a relatively new diagnosis at the end of the post 🙂I appreciate it was a very long post and so not everyone will have read to the end.

So I'm not saying a diagnosis is an alternative to personal responsibility, I'm saying that it is a real condition, and that being shitty to someone while they work out strategies to manage that responsibility alongside a newly diagnosed condition is unfair.

I'm not following. Are you suggesting that because there is some disagreement between clinicians as to where the diagnostic cut off point should fall, it necessarily follows that the OP's diagnosis is fraudulent? Because that would seem quite a stretch.

My understanding of what people mean by "actual" diagnosis is "clinical diagnosis" - one done by a competent and qualified clinician - as opposed to self diagnosis.

Your DH is full of cold and grumpy. You're presumably also getting over the same cold, or it's on its way and so also grumpy. It just sounds like you both had a rough day, probably made worse because it was your birthday and had hoped to be spoiled a bit.
I'm amazed that you were able to sit in the garden with dog poo lying. Did the smell not bother you?
Next year, make your hopes clear re. homemade cake so ingredients can be put on your shopping list.

I'm sorry this birthday didn't live up to expectations. Even when there are reasonable reasons for it, it's tough when that happens. I go above and beyond for birthdays in this house, and lay out expectations for mine ahead of time but they rarely go as I'd hoped. I'm learning to have lower expectations, or just take matters into my own hands.

The past few years I've made my own birthday cake, and this year my OH was away so I went to town and put up the birthday banners etc, laid all my cards out the night before ready to be opened and a few things which had arrived in the post which I thought might be presents. In the morning, in spite of the fact that I knew I'd done it all, it was so nice!! I'd been up all night with DD (2) who had gastro, so coming down to a hot coffee (been on a timer), a happy birthday banner and a breakfast bar of cards was actually very cheering. Think I might just do that every year from now on, love yourself and all that.

We don't have any evidence either way of the "actual"-ness of this diagnosis.

But what we do have is several people who are either themselves or have family members who are clinically diagnosed who don't think ADHD is an excuse in the way the OP seems to believe it to be.

@TheodoreMortlockSo I'm not saying a diagnosis is an alternative to personal responsibility, I'm saying that it is a real condition, and that being shitty to someone while they work out strategies to manage that responsibility alongside a newly diagnosed condition is unfair

No, I read to the end of your post and don’t lack the understanding thereof, however I believe you have missed my point.

You generally do not have ADHD and then wake up one morning to now find you have issues cleaning up dog poo, or feedng your pet, or whatever task it is that you either can’t organise or engage with. As it is a real condition, as you point out and I totally agree with, people will have had these struggles long-term, whether they have been historically diagnosed, recently diagnosed or not yet diagnosed. Personal responsibility tells you if you struggle with such matters, don’t get a pet you need to look after and clean up after. It shouldn’t be a case of, it’s okay, now I’m diagnosed and have some official letters to use as a shield, I’ll try strategies that may or may not work to feed Fido. You don’t wake up one day and suddenly become someone that struggles with this stuff, so if you are of this ilk (again, irrespective of origin of your inability), personal responsibility means you don’t get something like the pet in the first place. Problem then doesn’t exist to begin with.

Men are just ungrateful, entitled arseholes. Must be something in the air. I don’t care if I get called sexist or whatever as it’s the truth.

My husband did f all for me on Mother’s Day except sit around hungover (after acting like a massive cunt towards me in front of others the night before as he can’t handle his drink) so in a weird way, count totally lucky OP. Unfortunately, we have to take what little scraps we can after doing everything for them all year round.

He can go fuck himself on Father’s Day.

I can't believe it's not picked up immediately the dog has deposited it. That's grim.

So your H is ill, has been doing the night parenting so is shattered and then has to clean up two days worth of dog shit because you never did it.

And you are having a go at him for not being nice enough to you.

This has to be a ‘wind up and watch them go’ thread.

Oh wow... you both sound exhausted!

Yes, a bit unreasonable. He's doing his best. And you're at end of your tether too.

Best to appreciate what he has done - taking care of sick toddlers is no laughing matter, and he got home made cards on top of that? He's not given you perfect birthday, but he's doing ok.

ADHD is a reason to struggle, not an excuse to not do things. Just an fyi you need to get this sorted before it affects your kids that ‘mum forgot…’

This👇🏼

I don't make cakes, too much faff.

I definitely wouldn't want one made with someone with a cold and little fingers covered in viruses decorating the top!

Co-op do nice, not too sweet, basic cakes for about £6!

I also wouldn't want to sit in a garden with dog poo in it either, what's that all about.

I think in terms of priorities when parents are ill it should go 1. Look after kids (done) 2. Clean up dog poo immediately 3. Celebrate birthday with or without homemade cake (I wouldn't want one, but you might even though, germs). If they did homemade cards and friends came over in the evening then it's not all bad as birthdays go.

Do the dog poo! Don't make cakes!

It sounds like you are both tired. Maybe have a late Birthday and try again! I don't want to sound sexist but I do think sometimes men need expectations made clear to them. I have started doing this and it makes life much easier. Had a great last Birthday because of it.
Start afresh, say you'd like to feel spoiled for this one day and clear the air.
The home made cards sound lovely - he obviously does want to make you happy. You sound like a nice person making lots of cakes. Have a good time!