To be angry that DH was mean to me on my birthday

[Onlywantoneday]

So it was my birthday the other day. It started off good, DH organized home made cards from the kids which I got up to which was lovely, I was hoping to go out for the day but DH and DS 1 and 2 have all been ill the past few days so I didn't expect them to all come out while full of cold, we can do that another day.
I know this sounds childish but I didn't even get a homemade Cake! DH blamed me for forgetting to buy flour as we don't really do shop bought as most of them taste gack, and then later on in the afternoon while I was sitting out in the garden enjoying a bit of sunshine he came out and started manking and moaning that I hadn't picked up the dog poo for a couple of days! Now it is usually my job to do this as he is doing a lot of renovation work around the house etc etc which I am okay with, but I just thought on my bloody birthday he could of just not said anything to make me feel shitty for ONE DAY!
he cleaned it up himself but was still moaning about how much there was to the point that I stormed off in a huff. Anyway a couple of hours later he went out and came back with 2 of our friends from the village and a few snacks to try and 'put me in a better mood' but it still felt like a half arse attempt and I ended up listening to the 3 of then talk about war all evening. We had a massive row that evening and not speaking now because he doesn't think he was in the wrong and hadn't apologized and even thinks I'm acting like some sort of entitled princess! All I wanted was maybe a cake and just to be shown a bit of love and care. He said he wanted wanted get me a gift but couldn't find anything he wanted to get me.
In his defense, he has taken on full night duties with out 20 month old and has been suffering from sleep deprivation which does make him a bit grumpy and short fused but I can't help but feel like it shouldn't be a green light to being an arse.

AIBU?

It's pretty obvious that baking stuff at home is normal in your house OP. It's bemusing how many people are missing the point.

Hes a dick. If you have to remember to buy the flour, do you also have to remember into bake it too? I think cards and a cake are the least someones other half can do for their birthday. Having a go at you and then bringing his mates back was cringe. Not surprised you are fed up.

You just wanted to be shown some love and care on your birthday, OP.

Could have been as simple as your husband saying, ‘We’ll celebrate at a later date when we’re all feeling a bit better.’ A few kindly words.

You are not being unreasonable.

I'd always expect a gift, even something small, this feels like a legitimate grievance to me. None of the other stuff seems terribly legitimate.

So put a reminder on your phone.

An ADHD diagnosis for an adult is to help you to help yourself, not for other people to treat you like a baby. If DH could spot it immediately when he came out, it shouldn't be that hard for you either.

YANBU. Some comments on here are so judgemental. OP is within her rights to expect one stress free day on her birthday, and her husband didn’t manage that. Why do we have such low expectations of men while maintaining such high expectations of women?

OP, all I will say is that the dog poo issue is a real issue. If your kids were playing out and fell into it/stood on it etc they could actually become very ill.

I'm going to go against the flow, he could have bought you a birthday present from him and the DC.

Being ill isn't an excuse, anyone who gives any thought into buying a birthday gift, would do it in advance and not leave it to the last minute. He didn't even need to go out and buy it, he could have ordered something online. He sounds a bit miserable to be honest.

I wouldn't want a cake made by someone who's full of cold. All those germs no thanks.🤢🤮

It’s winter so everyone is being dramatic about the dog poo. Yes it is annoying when you’re the one who makes effort on other people’s bday and no-one does for you. Even my ex made an effort to bring around a waffle from a local desert shop on my birthday as he recognises I make a lot of effort for the kids birthdays and I’ve got no family local. He even manages to get a gift on Mother’s Day for the two teens who really could get it themselves. So I don’t see why you’re husband couldn’t make more effort. But on here you’re not allowed to celebrate your birthday as an adult or expect others to do nice things for you. So I say you’re NOT unreasonable and he could have laid off you when you’ve had sick kids etc

Why do people turn their own gardens into a dog toilet? 🤮 Having a tantrum because someone hasn’t made you a homemade birthday cake seems overly dramatic.

If ADHD could be overcome by simply using reminders, there would be none of the persistent functional difficulties that ADHD folk have to deal with. Lists and reminders are often suggested by well-meaning individuals but the neurodivergent brain just doesn’t work in the same way.

Hard as it may be for others to comprehend, for the majority of ADHD individuals, reminders accomplish very little.

Completely agree that not picking up poo is grim but a phone reminder won’t necessarily solve the problem.

I think it's because I bake everyone's bday cakes (out of choice) and make one every weekend and it would just have been nice for it to be reciprocated for once.

Stop baking for him, and especially stop making him a cake on his birthday! He doesn’t deserve it.

So much hypocrisy, your post is all about what OP needs to do to be better but nothing about her DH needing to be better.

Why don’t you suggest that the DH should have checked for flour and other cake ingredients and added a reminder to buy some?

And yet I bet he will be throwing a strop when OP stops making him a home made dake.

You need to adjust to shop bought cakes M&S and Waitrose do nice ones. Or a nice birthday dessert from M&S personally I'm not a Baker but you could of just suggested to your DH?

Did you miss the bit where OP makes them for everyone else?

If he expects one on his birthday then he’s entitled.

Why does she have to suggest cake for her own birthday when he and the kids automatically get cake on their birthdays?

He really is a twat, and yet the Stepford Wives defend him.

You just know this fella wants more than just cake on his birthday - what a useless prick. Oh I've forgotten how birthdays work since it's just yours, anyhow about the dog poo woman.

Lady get yourself a present and a cake and anything else you want. You know if you boot the man and the dog life will be 80% easier right.

Yes I didn’t read 7 pages of extra comments. She didn’t put this in the original post.

So who’s having to bake the cake? I used to make them for my kids birthdays when they were younger but I wouldn’t like it if I were expected to bake one for an adult too, especially if I’d just been ill. There are decent shop bought ones, it wouldn’t harm to get one once in a while.

I think I get what’s going on here…

you’ve both had a rubbish week looking after poorly kids, DH also ill himself. Everyone’s a bit short tempered.

you’ve had to abandon plans of having a day out and deep down your DH knows he’s not really done enough for you, if he’s anything like mine he’ll be really last minute with gifts etc so being ill/having ill kids have scuppered any plans he may have had to get something.

complaining about the cake has pointed this out - he’s annoyed and on the defensive (hence the thing about the flour and throwing it back at you about the dog poo - kind of saying “well you’re not perfect either”. )

I can’t stand huffing and grumping either, but maybe saying sorry for not being more understanding about the cake, thanks for doing all the toddler nights, can we Take the pressure off and move on, maybe schedule a day out for another day so you still celebrate when everyone’s up to it?

Entitled Princess sounds accurate here yes. I don't read any meanness from him in this post and OPs tend to write the story to show themselves in the most favourable light, so with that in mind, you do sound high maintenance as a PP suggested.

Couldn’t disagree more with the people here calling you a diva. Your husband didn’t get you a birthday present, and blamed you for not getting a cake because you didn’t go and buy the ingredients for him to make it?! He then had a go at you for not cleaning. Yes you could have done it before, but you didn’t. The conversation can be left until the day after. Seems he raised it to try and equal the ground after you pointed out he had done nothing for you.

Your kids made some cards which is nice but can’t see how that’s him having contributed. Your birthday shouldn’t come as a surprise and shouldn’t be something he thinks he doesn’t have to give a shit about. Yes, life is busy but he’s had months to think of something to get you. And if he was ill and didn’t want to make a cake, fair enough, but he could have done something. It’s not hard to spend a tenner on a bottle of fizz to show your life partner that you’ve thought about them on their birthday. The commenters here seem to have accepted the bare minimum from their partner’s.

Think yourself lucky, my DH didn’t get me anything No prezzie , no card … He did pay for the meal we had out 2 days previously…