To be angry that DH was mean to me on my birthday

[Onlywantoneday]

So it was my birthday the other day. It started off good, DH organized home made cards from the kids which I got up to which was lovely, I was hoping to go out for the day but DH and DS 1 and 2 have all been ill the past few days so I didn't expect them to all come out while full of cold, we can do that another day.
I know this sounds childish but I didn't even get a homemade Cake! DH blamed me for forgetting to buy flour as we don't really do shop bought as most of them taste gack, and then later on in the afternoon while I was sitting out in the garden enjoying a bit of sunshine he came out and started manking and moaning that I hadn't picked up the dog poo for a couple of days! Now it is usually my job to do this as he is doing a lot of renovation work around the house etc etc which I am okay with, but I just thought on my bloody birthday he could of just not said anything to make me feel shitty for ONE DAY!
he cleaned it up himself but was still moaning about how much there was to the point that I stormed off in a huff. Anyway a couple of hours later he went out and came back with 2 of our friends from the village and a few snacks to try and 'put me in a better mood' but it still felt like a half arse attempt and I ended up listening to the 3 of then talk about war all evening. We had a massive row that evening and not speaking now because he doesn't think he was in the wrong and hadn't apologized and even thinks I'm acting like some sort of entitled princess! All I wanted was maybe a cake and just to be shown a bit of love and care. He said he wanted wanted get me a gift but couldn't find anything he wanted to get me.
In his defense, he has taken on full night duties with out 20 month old and has been suffering from sleep deprivation which does make him a bit grumpy and short fused but I can't help but feel like it shouldn't be a green light to being an arse.

AIBU?

OP has made some pretty unpleasant and judgemental comments herself, but ignoring those, she has been very clear that they are a cake baking household.

I can’t see how people are arguing with you @moonfacer - OP has said that her DH doesn’t like shop bought cakes and that he bakes himself a couple of times per week. OP says in her household home baked cakes are the norm. Whether we think that’s weird or not is irrelevant really. DH is capable of baking a cake but didn’t because OP hadn’t bought flour. He also didn’t get her a present as he couldn’t find one he thought she’d want (which seems wildly unrealistic given they clearly have internet access - is he saying there’s not a single gift he could find online that OP would like?? 😂🤦🏻‍♀️)

DH would presumably know that OP likes a cake on her birthday. I doubt she’s suddenly just decided this is the first year she wants cake. So no cake and no gift, I think she understandably feels as if no effort has been made. She shouldn’t have to buy all the ingredients for him to bake her a cake!

If he and DC have been ill, are you sure you want a homemade cake?

Well said, I completely agree.

@SecretSoul I agree that OP has been unpleasant, I don't agree with the rest.

At lease she has acknowledged that she's being childish.

If the split of jobs is OP does the shopping, then that's the split of jobs 🤷‍♀️

I’m with you OP. A bit of effort wouldn’t have hurt even if everyone is tired and ill. If anything a pick me up is just what you needed and a nice day!

Yes YABU. Be grateful for what you have/did get

This is really fucking offensive.

Neurodivergent people have to put up with this shit constantly. The OP has been officially diagnosed and contrary to popular belief, it’s not easy to get a diagnosis. Especially as a woman.

@SecretSoul he bakes bread not cake a couple of times a week! Two different things IMO!

@puzzledout I would say baking bread and baking a cake are similar. Also OP says that her DH is capable of baking a cake.

If the DH normally cooked dinner and OP did all the baking I’d agree with you but that’s not the case.

Also re your previous comment re the flour, I also don’t think it’s unreasonable for DH to go and get any ingredients that are missing. It’s her birthday, it’s not unreasonable to expect him to make some effort. To just not bother because there wasn’t any flour in the house seems pretty apathetic.

Also worth saying that if OP had said he hadn’t made a cake/bought a gift because he hadn’t been well, that would be totally fine. But the reason he gave was that OP hadn’t bought any flour…. 🫤

100%!! I do one of these things for a living but could never master the other totally different

But the OP says her DH is very capable of baking a cake so presumably he’s done it before.

Home baked cakes and bread are both the norm for OP’s household, in her own words.

Baking bread and cakes is totally different!

They live on over an acre (so OP couldn't see the dog shit), so piping to the shops to bake a cake, that he doesn't normally bake is probably a bigger deal than you'd think.

He's on night shift with an unsettled 20 month old, picking up loads of dog shit and probably just not up for it 🤷‍♀️.

Can you imagine the conversation on MN if this was reversed and a man came on and said.

My wife is doing all night wakings with a really unsettled 20 month at the moment. It's been tough I know and she's knackered. She is also renovating the house, so she's got a fair bit in.

I have other jobs like picking up the dog shit from the garden, I'd not bothered for a couple of days, so she eventually did it. But not without moaning at me and it was my birthday.

She's a great cake maker and I don't like shop bought cakes. I much prefer homemade ones. Today is my birthday and she's bothered to make me a cake.

Yes I know she's been up with the toddler, yes I know she's working hard on the renovation, yes I know she had to take over one of my jobs because I hadn't done it.

But still, I think she could've made a bit more effort for me! She even blamed me as I'd let the flour run out.

AIBU to be upset on my birthday.....

*not bothered

@SecretSoul ”Also worth saying that if OP had said he hadn’t made a cake/bought a gift because he hadn’t been well, that would be totally fine. But the reason he gave was that OP hadn’t bought any flour….”

When you only hear one side of a story, you have to read between the lines.

We know that OP has an acre of land but is not wealthy, so we know that this is a rural situation and the nearest shop is probably quite a distance away.

I can easily see it having gone more like this:

”You haven’t even made me a cake.”
”I didn’t realise it was so important to you! I’ve been really busy with the renovations and staying up at nights with the baby, and trying to get some rest to shake this illness. I just haven’t had time to make an extra trip to the shop.”
”Oh, you’re saying it’s my fault because the grocery shopping is my job?”

I’m so surprised at how many people think you are being unreasonable OP. If I didn’t get a cake, gift, meal out or at least a takeaway on my birthday I’d feel a bit upset. Home made cards from the kids is lovely but what about from your partner? My partner agrees you’re not being unreasonable, but maybe we make more of a fuss in our family about birthdays than some of the other commenters.

Well as long as a man has sanctioned she's not being unreasonable, then us mere women can step down!

🤦‍♀️

Thanks for your incorrect assumption but I’m gay and I have a wife so don’t you worry 😂

@tiredmum1989 of course!

Apology accepted 🤣 my point about my wife was simply to recognise that different families have different expectations around birthdays and obviously our family’s is similar to OP’s. I’m unsure why you took umbrage with it when I was in agreement with you and, before you’d commented, I’d actually hit ‘thanks’ on your post above me as I’d thought it was a really good point.

That sounds like more than the op got