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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be angry that DH was mean to me on my birthday

298 replies

Onlywantoneday · 11/03/2024 14:32

So it was my birthday the other day. It started off good, DH organized home made cards from the kids which I got up to which was lovely, I was hoping to go out for the day but DH and DS 1 and 2 have all been ill the past few days so I didn't expect them to all come out while full of cold, we can do that another day.
I know this sounds childish but I didn't even get a homemade Cake! DH blamed me for forgetting to buy flour as we don't really do shop bought as most of them taste gack, and then later on in the afternoon while I was sitting out in the garden enjoying a bit of sunshine he came out and started manking and moaning that I hadn't picked up the dog poo for a couple of days! Now it is usually my job to do this as he is doing a lot of renovation work around the house etc etc which I am okay with, but I just thought on my bloody birthday he could of just not said anything to make me feel shitty for ONE DAY!
he cleaned it up himself but was still moaning about how much there was to the point that I stormed off in a huff. Anyway a couple of hours later he went out and came back with 2 of our friends from the village and a few snacks to try and 'put me in a better mood' but it still felt like a half arse attempt and I ended up listening to the 3 of then talk about war all evening. We had a massive row that evening and not speaking now because he doesn't think he was in the wrong and hadn't apologized and even thinks I'm acting like some sort of entitled princess! All I wanted was maybe a cake and just to be shown a bit of love and care. He said he wanted wanted get me a gift but couldn't find anything he wanted to get me.
In his defense, he has taken on full night duties with out 20 month old and has been suffering from sleep deprivation which does make him a bit grumpy and short fused but I can't help but feel like it shouldn't be a green light to being an arse.

AIBU?

OP posts:
moderate · 14/03/2024 10:00

moonfacer · 14/03/2024 09:54

Nope, I’m saying this man happily takes OP’s home made cake on his own birthday and yet when it comes to OP’s birthday he gives a shitty excuse that she didn’t ensure there was flour.

OP makes cakes every weekend. She clearly enjoys making cakes. She says that she makes cakes for people's birthdays "out of choice". DH would presumably be entirely happy not to eat cake on his birthday, but this will never be tested because OP will always choose for there to be one.

moonfacer · 14/03/2024 10:04

moderate · 14/03/2024 10:00

OP makes cakes every weekend. She clearly enjoys making cakes. She says that she makes cakes for people's birthdays "out of choice". DH would presumably be entirely happy not to eat cake on his birthday, but this will never be tested because OP will always choose for there to be one.

Why have you assumed he doesn’t want the cake?

Just because OP chooses to make cake regularly doesn’t mean he gets to have a birthday cake on his birthday yet make zero effort for OP’s birthday when he knows it’s the only time of year OP wants someone else to make the cake.

I don’t know why some women on MN always encourage other women to have low standards and expectations.

moderate · 14/03/2024 10:09

moonfacer · 14/03/2024 10:04

Why have you assumed he doesn’t want the cake?

Just because OP chooses to make cake regularly doesn’t mean he gets to have a birthday cake on his birthday yet make zero effort for OP’s birthday when he knows it’s the only time of year OP wants someone else to make the cake.

I don’t know why some women on MN always encourage other women to have low standards and expectations.

Edited

I haven't assumed he doesn't want the cake.

I haven't assumed he does want the cake.

I've assumed he has no strong feelings either way.

That's a much more reasonable default assumption than your own.

moonfacer · 14/03/2024 10:16

moderate · 14/03/2024 10:09

I haven't assumed he doesn't want the cake.

I haven't assumed he does want the cake.

I've assumed he has no strong feelings either way.

That's a much more reasonable default assumption than your own.

You said DH would presumably be entirely happy not to eat cake on his birthday

So he gets to have cake on his birthday and doesn’t even have to be grateful and reciprocate and he also gets to give lame excuses like there’s no flour when it comes to OP’s cake.

His excuse is shit, I can’t believe you have the gall to defend him.

moderate · 14/03/2024 10:23

moonfacer · 14/03/2024 10:16

You said DH would presumably be entirely happy not to eat cake on his birthday

So he gets to have cake on his birthday and doesn’t even have to be grateful and reciprocate and he also gets to give lame excuses like there’s no flour when it comes to OP’s cake.

His excuse is shit, I can’t believe you have the gall to defend him.

"He gets to have cake"

No, OP gets to bake cake because that's what she wants to do, and he's happy to go along with it.

You seem incapable of realising that just because people do something, it's not necessarily because they particularly want to do it.

moonfacer · 14/03/2024 10:28

moderate · 14/03/2024 10:23

"He gets to have cake"

No, OP gets to bake cake because that's what she wants to do, and he's happy to go along with it.

You seem incapable of realising that just because people do something, it's not necessarily because they particularly want to do it.

No, OP gets to bake cake because that's what she wants to do, and he's happy to go along with it.

Why would you assume he only goes along with the cake? You seem incapable of realising that you keep making assumptions about this man.

OP’s not stupid, she’s not going to make the effort to make cake for people who don’t appreciate it.

moderate · 14/03/2024 10:46

moonfacer · 14/03/2024 10:28

No, OP gets to bake cake because that's what she wants to do, and he's happy to go along with it.

Why would you assume he only goes along with the cake? You seem incapable of realising that you keep making assumptions about this man.

OP’s not stupid, she’s not going to make the effort to make cake for people who don’t appreciate it.

I haven't assumed he doesn't want the cake.

I haven't assumed he does want the cake.

I've assumed he has no strong feelings either way.

That's a much more reasonable default assumption than your own.

moonfacer · 14/03/2024 11:01

moderate · 14/03/2024 10:46

I haven't assumed he doesn't want the cake.

I haven't assumed he does want the cake.

I've assumed he has no strong feelings either way.

That's a much more reasonable default assumption than your own.

Righhhhhht, maybe re-read your own posts

DH would presumably be entirely happy not to eat cake on his birthday

OP gets to bake cake because that's what she wants to do, and he's happy to go along with it.

**

moderate · 14/03/2024 11:06

moonfacer · 14/03/2024 11:01

Righhhhhht, maybe re-read your own posts

DH would presumably be entirely happy not to eat cake on his birthday

OP gets to bake cake because that's what she wants to do, and he's happy to go along with it.

**

Which of those statements do you consider incompatible with my default assumption, and why?

moonfacer · 14/03/2024 11:16

moderate · 14/03/2024 11:06

Which of those statements do you consider incompatible with my default assumption, and why?

They both make assumptions, contrary to your desperate denials.

puzzledout · 14/03/2024 11:16

*So he gets to have cake on his birthday and doesn’t even have to be grateful and reciprocate and he also gets to give lame excuses like there’s no flour when it comes to OP’s cake.

His excuse is shit, I can’t believe you have the gall to defend him.*

My DH likes cooking, loves it in fact, he'd cook for me on my birthday. Would I cook for him and reciprocate? No! I'd get a takeaway.
Doesn't make his birthday any less special.

How ridiculous to assume that because you do something, it has to be reciprocated or you are being unreasonable.

moonfacer · 14/03/2024 11:17

puzzledout · 14/03/2024 11:16

*So he gets to have cake on his birthday and doesn’t even have to be grateful and reciprocate and he also gets to give lame excuses like there’s no flour when it comes to OP’s cake.

His excuse is shit, I can’t believe you have the gall to defend him.*

My DH likes cooking, loves it in fact, he'd cook for me on my birthday. Would I cook for him and reciprocate? No! I'd get a takeaway.
Doesn't make his birthday any less special.

How ridiculous to assume that because you do something, it has to be reciprocated or you are being unreasonable.

How ridiculous to project your own situation onto OP.

He didn’t bake her a cake because he says she failed to ensure there was flour.

moderate · 14/03/2024 11:26

moonfacer · 14/03/2024 11:16

They both make assumptions, contrary to your desperate denials.

You should spend more time reading what I actually wrote, and less time attacking straw men.

I have repeatedly said "I've assumed he has no strong feelings either way. That's a much more reasonable default assumption than your own."

Which is to say, I have repeatedly pointed out that both of us are making assumptions. So what are these "desperate denials" supposed to be?

I suggest you get together with Minniliscious and complain about how men are the root of all evil. You might even enjoy some cake while you do so. I'm done with you.

puzzledout · 14/03/2024 11:39

@moonfacer well then, it's her own fault busy her own admission!

Princess will have to do without her homemade cake.

She also needs to wind her neck in about people who don't make homemade cakes, must eat crappy packet meals, just a bit of a wild assumption, don't you think?

moonfacer · 14/03/2024 11:40

moderate · 14/03/2024 11:26

You should spend more time reading what I actually wrote, and less time attacking straw men.

I have repeatedly said "I've assumed he has no strong feelings either way. That's a much more reasonable default assumption than your own."

Which is to say, I have repeatedly pointed out that both of us are making assumptions. So what are these "desperate denials" supposed to be?

I suggest you get together with Minniliscious and complain about how men are the root of all evil. You might even enjoy some cake while you do so. I'm done with you.

Here are your assumptions again since you seem to have trouble remembering them.

DH would presumably be entirely happy not to eat cake on his birthday

OP gets to bake cake because that's what she wants to do, and he's happy to go along with it.

Your last paragraph reveals your agenda!

puzzledout · 14/03/2024 11:40

puzzledout · 14/03/2024 11:39

@moonfacer well then, it's her own fault busy her own admission!

Princess will have to do without her homemade cake.

She also needs to wind her neck in about people who don't make homemade cakes, must eat crappy packet meals, just a bit of a wild assumption, don't you think?

*by her own admission

moonfacer · 14/03/2024 11:41

puzzledout · 14/03/2024 11:39

@moonfacer well then, it's her own fault busy her own admission!

Princess will have to do without her homemade cake.

She also needs to wind her neck in about people who don't make homemade cakes, must eat crappy packet meals, just a bit of a wild assumption, don't you think?

So it’s OP’s fault she didn’t buy flour for the birthday cake he was supposed to make?

You take the cake biscuit !

Careful, your sexism is showing.

puzzledout · 14/03/2024 11:44

@moonfacer he was probably too busy picking up the dog shit, didn't have time.

Why is it sexist to assume that certain people have certain roles in a household?

It would be rather silly if I do the shopping that my DH assumes I haven't done it and then does it again?

puzzledout · 14/03/2024 11:45

@moonfacer the birthday cake he was supposed to make, because otherwise he was being mean........

Oh bless her, did she want a princess cake?

Honestly, you sound as immature as the OP!

moonfacer · 14/03/2024 11:48

puzzledout · 14/03/2024 11:45

@moonfacer the birthday cake he was supposed to make, because otherwise he was being mean........

Oh bless her, did she want a princess cake?

Honestly, you sound as immature as the OP!

Wow just wow, horrible sexist language. Have a word with yourself.

puzzledout · 14/03/2024 11:58

@moonfacer I've no need to "have a word with myself!" Are you ok?

Anyway, off shopping now, go back to arguing with @moderate!

pastypirate · 14/03/2024 12:01

People who don't pick up dog poo immediately. Boak.

moderate · 14/03/2024 12:02

puzzledout · 14/03/2024 11:58

@moonfacer I've no need to "have a word with myself!" Are you ok?

Anyway, off shopping now, go back to arguing with @moderate!

No thanks! I've wasted more than enough time on her already. She was never even arguing with me, anyway; she was arguing with a straw man in her own head.

puzzledout · 14/03/2024 12:03

@moderate that's true!

moonfacer · 14/03/2024 12:23

Sounds like @moderate and @puzzledout should get together and have words with each other, your misogyny gives you lots to talk anout, I’m sure!

Feel free to make lots of assumptions 😂

Toodle pip!

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