To be angry that DH was mean to me on my birthday

[Onlywantoneday]

So it was my birthday the other day. It started off good, DH organized home made cards from the kids which I got up to which was lovely, I was hoping to go out for the day but DH and DS 1 and 2 have all been ill the past few days so I didn't expect them to all come out while full of cold, we can do that another day.
I know this sounds childish but I didn't even get a homemade Cake! DH blamed me for forgetting to buy flour as we don't really do shop bought as most of them taste gack, and then later on in the afternoon while I was sitting out in the garden enjoying a bit of sunshine he came out and started manking and moaning that I hadn't picked up the dog poo for a couple of days! Now it is usually my job to do this as he is doing a lot of renovation work around the house etc etc which I am okay with, but I just thought on my bloody birthday he could of just not said anything to make me feel shitty for ONE DAY!
he cleaned it up himself but was still moaning about how much there was to the point that I stormed off in a huff. Anyway a couple of hours later he went out and came back with 2 of our friends from the village and a few snacks to try and 'put me in a better mood' but it still felt like a half arse attempt and I ended up listening to the 3 of then talk about war all evening. We had a massive row that evening and not speaking now because he doesn't think he was in the wrong and hadn't apologized and even thinks I'm acting like some sort of entitled princess! All I wanted was maybe a cake and just to be shown a bit of love and care. He said he wanted wanted get me a gift but couldn't find anything he wanted to get me.
In his defense, he has taken on full night duties with out 20 month old and has been suffering from sleep deprivation which does make him a bit grumpy and short fused but I can't help but feel like it shouldn't be a green light to being an arse.

AIBU?

Thanks for the constructive and understanding comments. We have both apologized for being a bit out of order given the circumstances and are planning a nice weekend so it's all good 👍

To the judgy ones who didn't read the post properly, and think adhd isn't real and can be rectified by making a simple to do list, 🖕🖕

I don't envy your family and friends!

I've noticed a trend where people being unreasonable rarely start a poll.

I get what you are saying about making your own cakes. I never undestood why people buy and eat that supermarket crap. Not sure where you go and buy something descent and not full of sugar. In my family we always bake birthday cakes.
Does your husband usually bake you one?

I usually do cake for the weekend, he bakes bread twice a week, but he can make cake no problem it's just that I usually do it. The people going on about how nice shop bought cake is probably eat freezer food and microwave meals or that cook in the bag shit every day. My turn to be a judgemental asshole 😏 we are very much a make it at home from scratch house and we prefer our kids to eat decent food than ready made meals!

Sounds ridiculous, he and the kids have been ill. You didnt pick up after the dog for a couple of days before your birthday and he did pick it up,i dont blame him for moaning, you are being a princess, your an adult.

Just wow

YABU ( again)

“He said he wanted get me a gift but couldn't find anything he wanted to get me.”

Sounds to me like your DH may have ADHD. You should cut him some slack.

What @Sageyboots you want her to say sorry to home for mentioning birthday cake?

@TheodoreMortlockADHD is not an "excuse," it's a disability. People with ADHD struggle with executive function which means planning, sequencing and completing tasks. They have extreme difficulties switching from one task to another without getting side tracked. They find it really, really difficult to engage with low dopamine tasks and yet can hyper focus on areas of particular interest. They often have difficulties with time flow. And object permanence ("out of sight out of mind")

What you say is true, however, it removes the concept of personal responsibility. I have an adult child with rip roaring ADHD so I know what you say is absolutely correct, however - you have an issue where you can’t/have trouble picking up dog poo, even though valid, means DON’T GET A DOG. There is zero difference with someone just lazy as hell and can’t be bothered picking up dog poo consistently, and someone with a disability that means they can’t pick it up consistently, as in neither scenario should have a dog. It’s a case of personal responsibility knowing that you have trouble doing something no matter the cause. Being able to call it something doesn’t absolve you of that.

As another example, what about the chore of feeding a pet. Have trouble with that due to either laziness or a valid disability such as ADHD. It doesn’t matter to the pet which scenario it is. Not feeding it doesn’t suddenly become acceptable because you have any type of disability. Again, personal responsibility means if laziness, general undiagnosed disorganisation or valid disability is going to impede proper care of a pet and its/your environment, then you don’t get it. Simple.

Very sick of things such as ADHD being used to shrug off personal responsibility for so many now when it shouldn’t be the case.

Aww sorry you had a disappointing birthday OP. I agree it wasn’t really in the spirit to moan at you about picking up dog poo on your birthday! It’s one day to put that sort of thing aside and just focus on being nice and making someone feel a bit special. He was an arse to do this. And the ‘put you in a better mood’ comment. It’s not really very nice, it feels more like a complaint and has a disrespectful vibe to it.

So I think he’s been an arse, but assume this is because he’s tired and recovering from illness.

The cake I personally wouldn’t bother about – it would be nice but not a must (I don’t think anyone’s got me a cake in recent years, and I haven’t thought much of it). I think your expectations are too exacting there.

I think everyone’s had a disappointing birthday here or there! Is there other stuff going on that made this feel more important? Are you both a bit stressed and worn out and feeling a bit more highly strung? Do you feel a bit unappreciated generally, which has magnified your disappointment over this birthday?

Perhaps you could do something special for yourself OP, even something small like buying yourself some flowers or taking yourself to a cafe for half an hour for a hot chocolate and a slice of cake.

It's not a "free extra day", it's part of your paid time off allowance.

My turn to be a judgemental asshole 😏
Kudos, at least you do that well!

Why not agree he’ll do dog poo duty from now on?

Given the amount of people who have judged you, you have every right to be judgmental back!

And yes, I agree, people who think shop bought cake compares to home baked cake are shit bakers!

Using ADHD as an insult is vile. Grow up.

What utter rubbish!

He didn't get you a gift "because he couldn't find anything "?? He sounds pathetic, despite the hordes who think it's fashionable to blame you.

Just seen your latest update and you sound insufferable.

I also cook food from scratch and avoid ready made food, but don’t see this as any basis to judge anyone else. Not everyone has time to bake and cook fresh meals.

You mean we can cut out all the highly qualified professionals who are able to diagnose conditions such as ADHD, and just let any bloke who ‘can’t find anything to buy’ as a birthday present for their wife a diagnosis? That’ll certainly cut wait times!
My DH has had many birthdays where we’ve all been ill/I’ve been dealing with night wakings and ill children etc, and I’ve still managed to get him a card, a present and cook a nice birthday meal (he doesn’t like cake) so I’m not sure why the OP’s partner couldn’t have at least done something for her. I expect (and get) presents/a bit of fuss on my birthday too, if that makes me an entitled princess then so be it 🤷🏻‍♀️.

I do a mix of shop bought cakes and home made. Dd1 had a family party and party with friends a week apart (easier to do it during half term rather than when she had gcse mocks) so she had an M&S cake and a home made. Some years my twins have home made, others we buy them. I work full time, am studying for a masters and have 3dc. I also don’t buy microwave meals. You can judge all you like but your judgement is wrong. My friends are all the same. Quite a few doctors are very busy and rely of trusted Colin Caterpillar. However, I would never leave dog poo in the garden 🤷🏻‍♀️

Insufferable - really 😐 the judgement on this thread is really disappointing. America Ferrera needs to add thou must not want fuss (and birthday cake is for everyone else) to her iconic speech. Peace out cool girls.

Completely unrelated but when will people learn that the past tense of ‚would’ is ‚would HAVE’ not ‚would of’. Seen this so many times on MN!

That depends on your employer. We do actually get a free extra day on top of paid annual leave entitlement to use on your birthday (or nearest working day if it falls on a non-working day)