To be angry that DH was mean to me on my birthday

[Onlywantoneday]

So it was my birthday the other day. It started off good, DH organized home made cards from the kids which I got up to which was lovely, I was hoping to go out for the day but DH and DS 1 and 2 have all been ill the past few days so I didn't expect them to all come out while full of cold, we can do that another day.
I know this sounds childish but I didn't even get a homemade Cake! DH blamed me for forgetting to buy flour as we don't really do shop bought as most of them taste gack, and then later on in the afternoon while I was sitting out in the garden enjoying a bit of sunshine he came out and started manking and moaning that I hadn't picked up the dog poo for a couple of days! Now it is usually my job to do this as he is doing a lot of renovation work around the house etc etc which I am okay with, but I just thought on my bloody birthday he could of just not said anything to make me feel shitty for ONE DAY!
he cleaned it up himself but was still moaning about how much there was to the point that I stormed off in a huff. Anyway a couple of hours later he went out and came back with 2 of our friends from the village and a few snacks to try and 'put me in a better mood' but it still felt like a half arse attempt and I ended up listening to the 3 of then talk about war all evening. We had a massive row that evening and not speaking now because he doesn't think he was in the wrong and hadn't apologized and even thinks I'm acting like some sort of entitled princess! All I wanted was maybe a cake and just to be shown a bit of love and care. He said he wanted wanted get me a gift but couldn't find anything he wanted to get me.
In his defense, he has taken on full night duties with out 20 month old and has been suffering from sleep deprivation which does make him a bit grumpy and short fused but I can't help but feel like it shouldn't be a green light to being an arse.

AIBU?

I don't think it's fair to expect a homemade cake when your husband is renovating the house and getting up at night with the kids. Either make it yourself or let him get one at the store. It's kind of weird that he didn't get a present, but I think you are setting your expectations too high.

What? A second birthday ?? 😂

Jesus Christ is OP a Queen! Another birthday

And if your SH needs is spelt out that much he's a waste of space!

Definition of nice person = makes lots of cakes!

🤔

Sounds like she does nice things for people. So yes.

It's more really to get the relationship back on track. Go out for a meal, chat, work out where they are at. Normal stuff I would say.

Why not? Life is short. Didn't go too well the first time.

Thanks for the updates and clarification OP!!

You are still BU though!

@overitall100 sorry she sounds hard work......

Because he didn't know he was supposed to bake her a cake, obviously.

He did know, his excuse was that OP didn’t buy flour, the twat. 🙄

Wait wait wait... Did he not get you a present??? Why is noone else taking that?! He had all year! And if you can't think of anything just panic buy some argos earrings at 9pm the night before at least?? I would be seriously upset about that too.

Everyone who is saying OP is expecting too much - do you not have cake and presents on your birthdays? I think that's a pretty normal thing to happen, surely??? And everyone proudly declaring you wouldn't want a cake anyway, it's completely irrelevant to say it because it seems like it IS normal in OP's house so I don't understand why there's such an outcry over her being disappointed that it didn't happen.

Or do you all detail, at least 24 hours in advance, exactly what it is you expect any time there's an event, lest your partner/family be in any doubt over what to do? Is it fair game for them not to do anything if you didn't explicitly ask them? 'I'd like a cake and this exact present and for you to say happy birthday two times and be reasonably kind to me in your words and actions'? That sounds miserable and lonely.

Projecting your own pain and disappointment onto OP’s situation won’t help her or you. Your husband is a selfish alcoholic. If you choose to leave him you’ll be so much happier.

“Anyway a couple of hours later he went out and came back with 2 of our friends from the village and a few snacks to try and 'put me in a better mood'

😂😂😂 That made me laugh out loud. And I think that is really sweet. Love that he went and rounded up some friends and snacks to pacify you. I think he's a good, well meaning egg and you're being unjustifiably hard on him!

Every birthday, my husband asks me what I'd like to do and I do the same to him. We normally do a little trip on/around the bday to mark the occasion, and buy a cake to each other. The moral of the story: don't try to exude telepathic waves, TELL him what you'd like.

Also him reminding you of your chore is not mean, he's just clearly overwhelmed with a lot of work. If you'd be the one renovating the house and dealing with the night feeds, you'd feel exactly the same about your husband just dropping his chore for some days.

My dad is very much in the "there must be a card, on the day" camp. So much so, that I am stressing to get cards there on time - birthday, mother's Day, father's day etc. That probably doesn't seem like a lot, but I'm not great at organising (ADHD, and yes, it's diagnosed). And if the card's not there on time... trouble.
I'm far more forgiving with my DCs (also ND), as I know they love me, but the day has just crept up on them. What would be achieved by making them feel bad about it?
And yes, I do feel a bit disappointed sometimes when I don't get a card on my birthday, mother's day, or any present at Christmas. But my kids have the same struggles as I do, and making them feel like they're a failure for not doing these things, does no one any favours.
(I do get a card/gift sometimes, and I really appreciate it 🙂)

Most adults don't throw strops over such things.

If someone had been unwell, renovating a house and looking after sick children, I'd have given them a pass this time.

Absolutely no excuse for the OP not to clear up dog shit for days then get upset that her DH thought it was disgusting and shouldn't voice it because it was her birthday.

Doesn’t stop many men from throwing them when they’re not treated how they expect to be treated, regardless of their own lack of effort on their partner’s birthday.

In other words, you feel OP is justified because her husband carries collective guilt for the sins of all men.

I never understood why such a fuss is expected from other people on a birthday. I understand you dont want it to be completely forgotten but expecting a fuss and special treatment all day long is a really weird concept to me.

No excuses for OP but you seem to have made plenty for her husband. Got it.

No personal accountability necessary for him either? Great.

What excuses would you deem unacceptable for her husband's lack of thought and effort? To not even have said 'sorry OP, it's been a bit overwhelming round here lately. I still love and appreciate you but I at least recognise I've dropped the ball a bit in showing you that on your birthday?' How low does the bar go for you exactly?

Nope, I’m saying this man happily takes OP’s home made cake on his own birthday and yet when it comes to OP’s birthday he gives a shitty excuse that she didn’t ensure there was flour.