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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be angry that DH was mean to me on my birthday

298 replies

Onlywantoneday · 11/03/2024 14:32

So it was my birthday the other day. It started off good, DH organized home made cards from the kids which I got up to which was lovely, I was hoping to go out for the day but DH and DS 1 and 2 have all been ill the past few days so I didn't expect them to all come out while full of cold, we can do that another day.
I know this sounds childish but I didn't even get a homemade Cake! DH blamed me for forgetting to buy flour as we don't really do shop bought as most of them taste gack, and then later on in the afternoon while I was sitting out in the garden enjoying a bit of sunshine he came out and started manking and moaning that I hadn't picked up the dog poo for a couple of days! Now it is usually my job to do this as he is doing a lot of renovation work around the house etc etc which I am okay with, but I just thought on my bloody birthday he could of just not said anything to make me feel shitty for ONE DAY!
he cleaned it up himself but was still moaning about how much there was to the point that I stormed off in a huff. Anyway a couple of hours later he went out and came back with 2 of our friends from the village and a few snacks to try and 'put me in a better mood' but it still felt like a half arse attempt and I ended up listening to the 3 of then talk about war all evening. We had a massive row that evening and not speaking now because he doesn't think he was in the wrong and hadn't apologized and even thinks I'm acting like some sort of entitled princess! All I wanted was maybe a cake and just to be shown a bit of love and care. He said he wanted wanted get me a gift but couldn't find anything he wanted to get me.
In his defense, he has taken on full night duties with out 20 month old and has been suffering from sleep deprivation which does make him a bit grumpy and short fused but I can't help but feel like it shouldn't be a green light to being an arse.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Comms · 11/03/2024 19:50

If I had been on night duties with a poorly child all week, then it was my DH birthday and he was whining about me not baking him a cake while he was sat surrounded by dog shit, I would have lost it big time, birthday or not.

Codlingmoths · 11/03/2024 20:06

I think he should have got something, and perhaps apologised for it not being a homemade cake, but I don’t think you can expect a homemade cake from a man who’s been doing nights and also unwell when baking cake is your thing not his. For context , baking cakes is my thing. My dhs birthday is just before mine and a few years ago I stopped making him a cake. He got a homemade cake and a lovely happy birthday with his family and he wasn’t making that happen with me (literally, I baked the cake, he wasn’t coming home from work the usual time so we could sit down and eat together, he got home late) and with young children I used up my cake baking energy on his and then found mine a chore. So I stopped making his, he provides his own from a shop now. And obviously we had a big argument about making an effort. But he was never ever going to bake his own cake, that’s not him.

PollyPut · 11/03/2024 20:06

Yes YABU. I don't know that many people who are great at baking cakes. Especially with an ill 1 and 2 year old

Gettingonmygoat · 11/03/2024 20:41

Missing the point here but why the hell are you sat in the garden surrounded by days worth of dog shit? I don't know who i feel more sorry for, your children that have to play in a dog toilet or your poor neighbours who have to put up with the stench.

WandaWonder · 11/03/2024 20:44

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/03/2024 14:36

If you want a cake you should ask for one. It sounds like the two of you are appalling at communicating.

If clearing dog poo is your job and you haven’t been doing it then you don’t get a free pass because it’s your birthday. It wasn’t your birthday on the preceding days you hadn’t done it.

He didn’t need to go on about it once he’d mentioned it but you didn’t need to storm off. Were your kids witness to all this grumping and stropping? It sounds so needlessly miserable and exhausting.

You’re both at fault.

All this

WingsofRain · 11/03/2024 20:47

Dog poo should be picked up twice a day at the least - your poor dog(s). 😞

TeenLifeMum · 11/03/2024 21:03

Dog poo in the garden is gross, I’d struggle to bite my tongue. However I know dh has organised a cake for my birthday as I either make or buy dc and dh’s cakes - Colin caterpillar is NOT gack. I’ll also be getting gifts from dh, dc, dm and df, db and dsil and mil and fil. Did you get no gifts? I would be disappointed - they don’t need to be expensive but thoughtful is appreciated.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 11/03/2024 23:29

you sound like a 5 year old saying ' dh was mean to me on my birthday '

Onlywantoneday · 12/03/2024 07:20

I know I was unreasonable about the dog poo, no ones perfect and I think during the winter /crap weather it's easy to not be out in the garden daily to sort it 🤷‍♀️

To everyone making out that baking a cake is such a hardship, how fecking hard is it to chuck some ingredients in a bowl, mix them together and shove it in the oven?
I feel sorry for most of you saying I am a princess, sounds like most of you expect such minimum effort by the person that's supposed to love and cherish you. I don't even care about mother's day, valentines day etc but on your birthday? Isn't the whole point that you get celebrated at least a little bit?

OP posts:
Thedrownedprophet · 12/03/2024 07:33

If you're not a baker it's a big deal. My dh would poison us I'm sure!

Daisybuttercup12345 · 12/03/2024 07:44

Think you need to act your age, not your shoe size.

JadieC · 12/03/2024 07:58

A shop bought cake would have been great, on my birthday. Your post is about mothers day which most people seem not to bother with.

Onlywantoneday · 12/03/2024 08:03

JadieC · 12/03/2024 07:58

A shop bought cake would have been great, on my birthday. Your post is about mothers day which most people seem not to bother with.

What? Re read my first post, it was not about mother's day, maybe you're on the wrong thread

OP posts:
JadieC · 12/03/2024 08:04

Onlywantoneday · 12/03/2024 08:03

What? Re read my first post, it was not about mother's day, maybe you're on the wrong thread

I am on the wrong thread! Sorry! Lots of posts about mothers day I got confused.

TheodoreMortlock · 12/03/2024 08:56

I think there are some unkind responses here. If you're a cake-baking household and that's what you do for birthdays then it's pretty reasonable, particularly since he didn't get you a birthday present and "because I couldn't find one" is a crap excuse.

On the poo-picking front, you say you have ADHD. Do you have RSD? It's almost universal in ADHD people and it means any criticism feels far worse than the speaker perhaps intended. "Urgh there's so much of this, our dog is a poop machine" - NT response is to agree and sympathise, RSD response is to hear "why haven't you done even the basics of agreed chores, you useless lump"

It's something I struggle with and I found this article very relatable https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitivity-adhd-marriage/

Do you think it's possible he could have been making conversation or at most a mild criticism, and you've heard it as a direct and personal attack on your competence as a wife and pet owner?

I think NT mothers would have been much more upset about him not bothering to get them a birthday present and his rubbish excuse than about the criticism for not doing the dog poo (as the responses above perhaps illustrate).

Two umbrellas symbolizing the rain that can fall on a marriage when one partner has Rejection Sensitivity (RS), or Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

How Rejection Sensitivity Casts a Cloud Over My Marriage

I feel personally attacked more than most people do. The sharp tips of criticism gut me open. Even the anticipation of rejection can paralyze me. And when it does, I’m tough to live with, tough to calm, tough to help. Here is how Rejection Sensitivity...

https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitivity-adhd-marriage

Onlywantoneday · 12/03/2024 09:19

TheodoreMortlock · 12/03/2024 08:56

I think there are some unkind responses here. If you're a cake-baking household and that's what you do for birthdays then it's pretty reasonable, particularly since he didn't get you a birthday present and "because I couldn't find one" is a crap excuse.

On the poo-picking front, you say you have ADHD. Do you have RSD? It's almost universal in ADHD people and it means any criticism feels far worse than the speaker perhaps intended. "Urgh there's so much of this, our dog is a poop machine" - NT response is to agree and sympathise, RSD response is to hear "why haven't you done even the basics of agreed chores, you useless lump"

It's something I struggle with and I found this article very relatable https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitivity-adhd-marriage/

Do you think it's possible he could have been making conversation or at most a mild criticism, and you've heard it as a direct and personal attack on your competence as a wife and pet owner?

I think NT mothers would have been much more upset about him not bothering to get them a birthday present and his rubbish excuse than about the criticism for not doing the dog poo (as the responses above perhaps illustrate).

Thanks for the info, it's quite a recent diagnosis no I'm still learning. Didn't know this was a thing, sometimes I can get quite upset especially before 'that time of the month'.

DH is a good guy but he does have some ocd tendencies which can drive me nuts at times but then I know it's the way he is and I try my best to accommodate and understand it. He said he was just making conversation but It did one across as a personal attack even though not intended. He analyzes everything, if i am driving he tries to 'help' me be a better driver which depending on my mood can result in me yelling at him to get out and walk then! 🤷‍♀️
He says he can't help but say what is in his head at the time, it's not intended to make me feel shit. But I do struggle with it sometimes.

OP posts:
SilverSimca · 12/03/2024 10:20

Did you not get a present from your DH, OP? Because if so, that is rubbish, I agree.
To everyone making out that baking a cake is such a hardship, how fecking hard is it to chuck some ingredients in a bowl, mix them together and shove it in the oven? - It is hard, if you are not in the habit of making cakes. Which is why I asked before if he can make cakes/ does make cakes. Here are some things which have gone wrong when I have tried to make a cake: can't cream the butter and sugar together properly by hand; don't know how to do it with a blender; the recipe calls for a certain sized tin which I don't have - how do I adjust the cooking time or amounts?; forgot to put in the eggs.

Comtesse · 12/03/2024 10:22

No cake?
No present?
Rows?
This is a rubbish birthday. I would be annoyed / disappointed by that

TheodoreMortlock · 12/03/2024 10:26

It's in the OP @SilverSimca

"He said he had wanted to get me a present but couldn't find anything he wanted to get me."

And the problem he had with making a cake wasn't that he couldn't or wouldn't - they are a household which does make cake and don't do shop bought - but that OP hadn't got enough flour in. Doesn't sound like he checked himself whether the ingredients were available. So he'd have been quite happy to make a cake as long as he didn't have to put any thought into it in advance.

SilverSimca · 12/03/2024 10:31

TheodoreMortlock · 12/03/2024 10:26

It's in the OP @SilverSimca

"He said he had wanted to get me a present but couldn't find anything he wanted to get me."

And the problem he had with making a cake wasn't that he couldn't or wouldn't - they are a household which does make cake and don't do shop bought - but that OP hadn't got enough flour in. Doesn't sound like he checked himself whether the ingredients were available. So he'd have been quite happy to make a cake as long as he didn't have to put any thought into it in advance.

Edited

Fair enough, I missed that re the present

Whoknowsohyoudo · 12/03/2024 11:08

HelloMiss · 11/03/2024 17:04

I don't understand what ADHD has to do with it?

Is this why people don't pick up after the dog out on walks?

It has nothing to do with it, it was just an excuse after the pile-on of being lazy for not picking up poo. There was another post where a woman claimed she was incapable of cleaning up her dirty dishes because of ADHD. If you can make a MN account and post on it you can pick up your damn dish. If you can go get the plate to put food on it and eat you can pick it up when you're done. Yes op YABU. Make a cake yourself when everyone is better and make it a nice day. Make it so it looks like a dog 💩 for DH

Onlywantoneday · 12/03/2024 11:57

Whoknowsohyoudo · 12/03/2024 11:08

It has nothing to do with it, it was just an excuse after the pile-on of being lazy for not picking up poo. There was another post where a woman claimed she was incapable of cleaning up her dirty dishes because of ADHD. If you can make a MN account and post on it you can pick up your damn dish. If you can go get the plate to put food on it and eat you can pick it up when you're done. Yes op YABU. Make a cake yourself when everyone is better and make it a nice day. Make it so it looks like a dog 💩 for DH

Wow. 🙄

Clearly you have absolutely no clue about adhd. What a delight you sound!

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 12/03/2024 12:16

Onlywantoneday · 12/03/2024 11:57

Wow. 🙄

Clearly you have absolutely no clue about adhd. What a delight you sound!

Why does it stop you picking up the poo?

Whoknowsohyoudo · 12/03/2024 12:30

You're a mum, you need to be able to compromise your own wants or you'll be miserable. A better idea would have been to have the foresight to know DH was ill and taking the DC at night. You could've made the cake the day before and suggested dh and dc decorate it for you. You should've picked up poo that morning and done whatever other chores so you had the rest of the day to enjoy. You have to set yourself up for success. Yes he should've gotten you a present.

TheodoreMortlock · 12/03/2024 13:20

Whoknowsohyoudo · 12/03/2024 11:08

It has nothing to do with it, it was just an excuse after the pile-on of being lazy for not picking up poo. There was another post where a woman claimed she was incapable of cleaning up her dirty dishes because of ADHD. If you can make a MN account and post on it you can pick up your damn dish. If you can go get the plate to put food on it and eat you can pick it up when you're done. Yes op YABU. Make a cake yourself when everyone is better and make it a nice day. Make it so it looks like a dog 💩 for DH

I'm going to assume this post was made out of ignorance rather than deliberate cruelty. So this is for @AnneLovesGilbert too because here is why ADHD may stop someone picking up the poo, metaphorical or otherwise.

ADHD is not an "excuse," it's a disability. People with ADHD struggle with executive function which means planning, sequencing and completing tasks. They have extreme difficulties switching from one task to another without getting side tracked. They find it really, really difficult to engage with low dopamine tasks and yet can hyper focus on areas of particular interest. They often have difficulties with time flow. And object permanence ("out of sight out of mind").

And for late-diagnosed women like the OP, they have had a lifetime of being sneered at for making excuses, of hearing "if you can learn everything there is to know about Pokemon then you can learn your times tables," "it's not hard to be on time, just set your alarm earlier," and so on, and internalise the shame and self-blame that comes from that. For early diagnosed children they can learn strategies to help (more on that in a bit) but OP has only just got her diagnosis.

The "it's an excuse" narrative stems from the fact that most NT people can recognise traits of neurodiversity in a way that they cannot recognise traits of a missing leg. There's an element of "doesn't everyone do that" - but just as forgetting your wallet doesn't mean you have dementia, being a bit shy doesn't mean you have autism, and feeling a bit nauseous and bloated doesn't mean you're pregnant - the answer is not to the extent that someone with ADHD does.

Sure, NOBODY likes boring tasks, and of course it's easy to get distracted, and everyone has lost their keys at some point. But if all of the criteria for ADHD are not met, and they do not have a significant and serious impact on your ability to carry out day to day activities - in other words, if you do find it no harder to pick up the damn dish than to post on Mumsnet - then congratulations. You are not a superior being: all this means is that you don't have ADHD.

You wouldn't go to a care home, pull up a seat and say "Well Marjorie, if you can remember the name of the girl you sat next to on your first day in primary school, you can remember the names of your own damn grandchildren," would you? It would be needlessly unpleasant and cruel. What you might do instead would be to work with Marjorie on strategies to support her memory (albeit dementia is a declining condition and ADHD is not).

The good news is that OP can find strategies to support her doing the things that she struggles with - for example asking her husband to body double for her, using visual reminders, a to-do list or electronic diary, setting an Alexa to remind her when it's poo picking time - but posting on Mumsnet to be snooty and derisive to a newly diagnosed woman about the things that are literally diagnostic of that condition is a dick move.