To be angry that DH was mean to me on my birthday

[Onlywantoneday]

So it was my birthday the other day. It started off good, DH organized home made cards from the kids which I got up to which was lovely, I was hoping to go out for the day but DH and DS 1 and 2 have all been ill the past few days so I didn't expect them to all come out while full of cold, we can do that another day.
I know this sounds childish but I didn't even get a homemade Cake! DH blamed me for forgetting to buy flour as we don't really do shop bought as most of them taste gack, and then later on in the afternoon while I was sitting out in the garden enjoying a bit of sunshine he came out and started manking and moaning that I hadn't picked up the dog poo for a couple of days! Now it is usually my job to do this as he is doing a lot of renovation work around the house etc etc which I am okay with, but I just thought on my bloody birthday he could of just not said anything to make me feel shitty for ONE DAY!
he cleaned it up himself but was still moaning about how much there was to the point that I stormed off in a huff. Anyway a couple of hours later he went out and came back with 2 of our friends from the village and a few snacks to try and 'put me in a better mood' but it still felt like a half arse attempt and I ended up listening to the 3 of then talk about war all evening. We had a massive row that evening and not speaking now because he doesn't think he was in the wrong and hadn't apologized and even thinks I'm acting like some sort of entitled princess! All I wanted was maybe a cake and just to be shown a bit of love and care. He said he wanted wanted get me a gift but couldn't find anything he wanted to get me.
In his defense, he has taken on full night duties with out 20 month old and has been suffering from sleep deprivation which does make him a bit grumpy and short fused but I can't help but feel like it shouldn't be a green light to being an arse.

AIBU?

It is not princessy to want a home made cake. It would be a cold day in hell before one of my family members had a shop bought cake for their birthday - the shame!!!

It is not princessy to want a present for your birthday either.

Ridiculous. You have a very skewed sense of shame.

The only other thing I'll say @Onlywantoneday about ADHD and relationships is that it may be worth asking about expectations in relationshps and how to communicate them on the Neurodiverse Mumsnetters board where you will get sensible answers https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/neurodiverse_mumsnetters

Something that ND women including me find incredibly difficult is assessing what level of "mind reading" is expected and normal. We've spent our lives being told we should have realised that X wanted Y, should have worked out that X would feel like this about something else, should have been more considerate and put ourselves in X's shoes.

So we then (sometimes) overcompensate, we're constantly second guessing and trying to anticipate someone else's needs so we don't get accused of being lazy and inconsiderate like we were as children - which is also why it feels so awful to realise you've "missed" an expected chore.

But then nobody is second guessing themselves for you, and that feels as though you're not cared for.

Not only that, but expecting someone to make the same guess you would have done gets you accusations of being a princess and goodness only knows what else.

It's a tricky tightrope to walk.

Are we reading the same thread? She got handmade cards and a little evening do

But he didn't do anything. No cake, no card, no present. Nothing. All he did was look after his own sick child and get them to make their mum a card.

Yet on here he's being praised as if he's God's bloody gift to the world.

Handmade cards from her kids - nothing from her husband. And her "evening do" was just something he cobbled together last minute because he'd not been arsed to do anything else.

MN is so strange about birthdays

I'd say it's pretty standard to have cake and a present for a birthday, I'd be upset if I didn't have this on my birthday. It's not unreasonable to want to have one day of the year where you are treated a bit special

Do you not normally discuss plans for you birthday in the run-up though? E.g any present ideas, flavour cake, what you'd like to do on the day

Good grief. I've never had a cake for my birthday, bought or not. For my recent 70th birthday I received 2 cards. Nothing else and that's completely fine.

How is that relevant?

Just because you're happy with the absolute bare minimum doesn't mean everyone else has to be.

Omg 🤣 people aren't getting it about the cake, if you read it properly you would of noticed that we don't buy shop bought at all and this is mainly DH's choice as the high sugar in them gives him a sore throat, plus I'm not mad keen on them and we both enjoy baking (he even bakes our bread twice a week)
Home made cakes are the norm for us!
Even if he had bought one which he wouldn't as he hates them, I would of been happy with that over nothing!

You both sound like a pair of children. It was your birthday yes but youre an adut not 10.

Shop bought cakes are so high sugar they give people sore throats?
It's a wonder there's a market for them at all.

Wow that's really nasty.😡

This made me snort - very well put! 😂. The standards on here are crazy low. Like, in the dirt. And everyone seems to be falling over themselves to say how OK they are with it. MN is a lazy, half-arsed man's dream sometimes, they don't even have to justify their behaviour - you guys are doing it for them

100% this. I'm always amazed how precious grown-ass adults can be about birthdays.

I know some people who genuinely expect managers to give them time off work 'because it's my birthday'

Your comment is literally, “tell me you know nothing about ADHD without telling me you know nothing about ADHD”

First time commenting, I had to as I was so dumfounded by your ignorance.

Yanbu I don’t care about anything else he didn’t buy you a bloody bday present??! No excuse with Amazon. Also he’s too sick to do anything but has his mates over?

Did he buy you a present OP? You haven’t said either way. I suspect you’re purposely not addressing this.

It says in the OP.

He said he wanted wanted get me a gift but couldn't find anything he wanted to get me.

Some companies give you the day off for your birthday as standard. DH’s employer does. It’s a free extra day.

Well it all sounds a bit shit, OP, but he has been ill and has still been doing his share of childcare, so might well be off his game.

Is this normal for him, or does he generally do much better? If he was just off this year, then I’d probably try to forget it as everyone messes up sometimes, especially when tired.

You are massively unreasonable. Expecting a homemade birthday cake when people have been unwell? Not clearing up dog mess for DAYS. Surely this is a joke?

And what the hell is is 'gack'?

Some companies give you the day off for your birthday as standard. DH’s employer does. It’s a free extra day.

That's a perk of some jobs, not a right.

YANBU, birthdays are quite big celebrations in my family, cakes, cards, lunch/dinner out, presents, get togethers, the lot. It’s not in the least bit entitled to expect a little more than a couple of homemade cards. MN is a weird place sometimes, nobody I know, including friends and work mates would be happy with their partners making such little effort.

He should have taught OP a lesson by baking her the homemade cake she craves with the dog muck that she hadn't bothered to pick up.