Court have sided with ExH for Every Weekend Contact, can I appeal? Or AIBU?

[HardDoneByContactWise]

Background:

Split with ExH due to his violence towards both me and DD when DD was 2.5 in 2017 - this was reported to the police multiple times. We went through court back then and ExH was awarded 1 overnight midweek and EOWend for 2 nights (so 4 nights in 14). Plus Boxing Day to 28th and 3 extra days during the summer (worked out at 30-32 overnights a year).

After covid ExH never picked up the weeknight overnight, so saw DD for 2 days in 14.

Since then DD has begged to see ExH more. I’ve offered the weeknight back, offered to change it to another night – although she does activities some nights that she wouldn’t give up but we could work round them, offered to have DD for childcare purposes until he finishes work then drop her off with him at home/work (he lives a 2-minute walk from his workplace) but always got told no thanks, but he would have every weekend.

I was reluctant to do every weekend, I feel like I hardly see DD in the week during term time due to work meaning she’s in childcare until 5pm some nights, other nights her having activities she wanted to be in. Literally I would see her most nights for 30-60 mins apart from the night ExH was supposed to have her which I kept free and EO Friday.

ExH kept asking for every weekend and threatened to take me back to court if I didn’t give in. I told him to go ahead, not expecting them to give him every weekend given I’d offered plenty of alternatives.

But I was wrong. They spoke to DD whose now 9 very nearly 10 and she said she wanted to see her dad more.

I offered everything again for the weeknight but ExH held the line and said every weekend. We both had solicitors and my solicitor was telling me his solicitor was advising him not to push for every weekend as it’s unfair. In the end I offered 1 night every weekend, Friday – Saturday 1 week, Saturday to Sunday the next but changing contact if there was special days such as Mothers Day or her birthday.

ExH said he wanted his 4 nights in 14 and would just not return her until Sunday on the week he has Friday night.

So, he was given every weekend because he bullied his way to it – Friday to Sunday 1 week, Saturday to Sunday the next so I never get a weekend with her and he’s got almost what he wants with 3 nights in 14. He gave no explanation as to why he won’t have her in the week, despite my solicitor questioning it- but basically, he doesn’t want to actually parent her I don’t think, he didn’t want to take her to school as it meant no lie in, no pushing her on his parents (who have her on his weekends so he gets a “break”).

I am gutted, I have plans for weekends coming up, she’ll never have another birthday party because her dad won’t let me arrange it for his weekends, she’ll never be able to go to another birthday party of a friend as her dad won’t take her, she’ll never see me on her birthday if it falls on a weekend, she’ll never see me on Mother’s Day as we already had issues if they fell on his weekends with him “forgetting” when they were (and then posting photos on Social Media of her with his mum and grandmother for Mothers Day). She won’t be able to do camps with Brownies as he won’t let her on his weekends, she won’t be able to ever go on holiday with me again as I usually book Saturday to Friday or Friday to Thursday so we get 5/6 nights and can’t do longer due to contact.

I want to appeal, but I don’t know if I can, or even if it’ll make a difference. I just feel so angry. I do all the school runs, I do all the medical appointments (and there’s a few due to a medical issue DD has), I do all the haircuts, all parents evenings, all school concerts, all sports days because he can’t organise himself and yet he gets all the fun.

I have never in almost 7 years cancelled contact unless she’s been properly throwing up unwell – slight cold, sore throat, poor nights sleep she goes. ExH has cancelled multiple times because “my mums not feeling up to seeing her” “My parents are on holiday” etc.

I think this is just a rant, not sure if I will appeal or if I even can. But I feel hard done by.

This will sort itself out pretty fast when your daughter starts missing out on things and realises it is because of her father.

This is horrendous I'm so sorry op what a nightmare - she's going to see her paternal grandparents more not her dad more

Have you explained your your daughter what it means to her te parties and social life? She may change her mind soon after this arrangement starts

Good advice.

I agree with this. Might be cheaper than appealing, just wait for it to play out. When your daughter realises she's missing out on parties etc she may decide that EOW would be better. Or he steps up and takes her - in which case go back to court.

Do you have to appeal within a certain timeline and will you get the same judge?

OP, it seems clear that your ex has pushed for this to get at you, rather than for the benefit of DD. Whilst I’m not usually an advocate of playing games, I would let him think you are loving all the extra time to yourself. Make yourself sound busy with lots of fun plans (even if in reality you’re watching Saturday night tv with a cuppa). He will hate this and I suspect it is probably the quickest way to get him to “willingly” give you some weekends back.

Sorry I've just read your post explaining what happened in court.

So basically your ex is violent and threatening so to appease him the courts just want everyone to do what he says.

And people say crime doesn't pay.....

Can you contact your GP?
I wish you could go to the papers and name and shame the judge, but I imagine that wouldn't work.

Start going out every weekend (or pretend too). He will soon get annoyed and jealous.

I’d not appeal it no even though it’s a ludicrous decision I’d just go with it. Your daughter has requested this so just go with it.

You need to start looking at two midweek days as your weekend instead. So reduced your Mon-Fri shifts if you work all those days? Take a second job sat and Sun instead or change jobs so you only work those days and one day mid week so that becomes your work days it means you will have no breakfast or after school clubs to pay for as the grandparents are the free childminders. I see a lot of jobs near me that are unsociable hours as many parents can’t take them so make this a benefit to you. So just stick to the new regiment that has been brought in.

So say Wednesday and Thursday are now your weekends together so non school days in every holiday you have a full two days to enjoy together doing all sorts of treats and activities and school days you are up early doing special breakfasts etc then pick up from school and do special things both those evenings as well as a couple of late evenings for board games, time in the garden or a pain per evening. Just mum and daughter time.

I would also stop all after school activities completely as instead of those she now goes to dads at the weekend. She’s old enough to understand and he will then need to start organising a weekend activity of her choice and getting her to her friends parties and organising a party for her.

This will also mean you will have more cash available from less childcare and activities which you can spend on special things with your daughter on the other days.

I was a lone parent and had to do terrible shift work so nights, weekends etc etc etc but you can easily enjoy the other days just the same.

As he was violent before, what makes anyone think that behaviour has gone away? Wtf is wrong with our courts?

I hope your DD doesn't regret asking to see more of her dad 🙏

Especially if you mention a potential date

Was it definitely a final order? I don’t understand why cafcass weren’t there to be cross examined if it was a contested final hearing (ie one or both of you didnt agree with cafcass findings/recommendations) The problem with family court (well one of them) is that if 2 parents can’t agree between themselves - you are basically asking a stranger to make the decision for you. You could in theory end up with an arrangement that neither of you like.

Gently, this should be about your DD and her wishes, not about you or your ex.

No it should be about what is in the best interests of DD. Not her wishes. We don't usually let 9 year olds make major decisions like where to go to school or when to go to the doctor. We listen and then make decisions in their best interest. How anyone thinks it is in the best interests of a child never to have a weekend with their mother - or indeed their father if the judgement were the other way around - is beyond me. Don't most people actually have children?

Laughing at the poster - the lawyer no less - who guarantees that with 2 good solicitors in the court, a judge will never give a wrong judgement. that's quite funny.

LOL 😂😂

I think this is good advice. Make weds & Thurs your "weekend". Yes she has to go to school for 6 hours in term time but there can be fun around that and obviously holidays

Men like him do this because they want to hurt their ex and cause them pain. They love to know they're miserable.
Ride this out for now. Ensure Dd and ex know about every weekend social occasion, make out you're seeing the positives of this arrangement and you'll be able to start pursuing hobbies and having a social life, perhaps even dating.
See how it goes with the contact. Gather as much information as you can - all the leaving without parents, missed occasions, see how Dd feels in a few months then you'll have more grounds for appeal.
You might not even need to if he gets annoyed that this arrangement is working to your advantage.

I could cut my hours or change my days/get a different job but I'm fairly high up in a career related to my degree, and ExH wouldn't let me work for the first 2.5 almost 3 years of DDs life so I'd rather not give up my career.

Also ExH won't take her to activities, and I feel like taking her out of Brownies especially is then punishing her because the judge ruled this way.

She did not ask for every weekend, I am convinced she was trying to tell them that she wanted the midweek back because she used the reference of before the schools closed. She has never said she dislikes weekends with either of us, and I absolutely am fine with grandparents helping out, it's just that I don't think it should be every weekend at the expense of everything else including time with me!

I'm not going to appeal though. I'll make the best of it. Will look for a promotion so I get more Annual Leave and try and negotiate to use it in school holidays so I can at least get that time with her.

OP you surely have to appeal? You can’t not have any quality time with your child for most of the year? This really surprises me, I know courts do often side with the useless loser dads but I’ve never heard such a bad case of inequality. EOW would be suitable

I also think DD will very quickly not want to go every weekend. I would make sure she clearly understands it is every weekend but that if she ever wants to change that she only has to speak up.

@wejammin If OP doesn't appeal could that be used against her in the future? Might not her ex claim that she was happy not having dd at weekends because she didn't challenge the decision?

@Isthisreasonable I think either way I'll be made out to be the bad one.

If I appeal he'll turn DD against me saying I didn't want them to have time together when he can't have her in the week and as she wants to see her dad more she may end up resenting me.

If I don't appeal and we go back to court later he'll use it as justification to say I was happy with the arrangement.

It's a lose lose either way.

I'm sorry but if you're a lawyer then I'm Barry Manilow

I would 100% appeal and i would tell the judge I will be jailed or chain myself to the court railings before I would hand over my daughter every single weekend. Weekends are quality time away from homework and monotony, you work full time and he doesn't! EOW is only fair, you cannot have a good solicitor if this ruling was allowed to happen

I wouldn’t be happy, and yes certainly appeal if there’s a route to do so.

However, it’s not as bleak as you think. If she finds herself having no birthday parties, no brownies etc, she may well realise this isn’t such a good idea. In a very short time, a couple of years or so, she’ll be a teen, and the courts pretty much let teens choose where they spend their time. If she wants to go back to spending some weekends with you, they’ll let her.

So guide camps and the like will be able to happen.

It’s really awful though. I really feel for you.

OP,
I hope you are ok, you sound very deflated and I can absolutely understand, just because there is set days does not mean you cannot take your daughter on holiday for a week or so also I think you have a strong argument for how staying with dad every weekend is detrimental as your daughter won’t get to enjoy some of her usual activities / spend time with friends and how this can isolate her, also if she is staying with grandparents to give dad a rest that’s also a pretty good argument for him not actually having her, I am pretty sure there is something around shared custody that if the parent can’t commit on one of there agreed days the other parent has to have the option to have the child that day, I hope you have good people round you to support you but please take this back to the courts and get a more suitable arrangement in place I hope all goes well

I would have a conversation with your dd, now about this. She needs explanations as to why she no longer gets to be with you at the weekend. You are allowed to be upset that the judge made the decision that you don’t get to see her at the weekend anymore.

In a non judgmental way, explain that her dad said he wouldn’t have her in the week and the judge decided therefore that she would be with him every weekend. You can tell your dd that you don’t know why her dad can’t have her in the week or why the judge decided every weekend. But as her mum, you will always organise your life so that you are able to have her in the week and the weekend because for you, she comes first. That you never told the courts you didn’t want her at the weekend because you want to be with her as much as possible. That you are sad you don’t have much time together now, that not being with her at the weekend is not your choice. That you love her very much and you will always be there for her.

Repeat this enough when she is upset at missing out and your dd will eventually see what is going on and will be able to advocate better for herself when you go back to court.

As for the future, I would keep the bank statements of the paultry amount he gives you, adding weight to the theory he could have had her in the week as he didn’t work much. Shift work more often than not involves working weekends so it is highly unlikely he isn’t in some kind of 9-5 and evening work, which doesn’t involve weekends unlikely. If appropriate and when she is an adult, you will be able to explain this, show her the bank statements and tell her you this might have been to punish you, extend the violence and ensure the two of you don’t get to spend quality time together.

But I sincerely hope none of that will be necessary. Hopefully your dd will get upset and rebel sometime soon and you will need to appeal this for her well-being at some stage. Your ex sounds horrible and the judge made a foolish decision, which did not meet the welfare of your dd or consider the possibility of her having interrupted quality time with her mum and extended family.

I am not familiar with the process. Idk how much you can ‘constructively criticise’ the other party or question the reasoning behind refusing to have your dd at the weekend. If you can, I think it’s fair to point out the order feels like a punishment for putting your dd first and always being able to accommodate having her either at the weekend or during the week. In any case, your solicitor can highlight the point that you will always organise your life to accommodate your dd and put her first, whatever the court decides.