Court have sided with ExH for Every Weekend Contact, can I appeal? Or AIBU?

[HardDoneByContactWise]

Background:

Split with ExH due to his violence towards both me and DD when DD was 2.5 in 2017 - this was reported to the police multiple times. We went through court back then and ExH was awarded 1 overnight midweek and EOWend for 2 nights (so 4 nights in 14). Plus Boxing Day to 28th and 3 extra days during the summer (worked out at 30-32 overnights a year).

After covid ExH never picked up the weeknight overnight, so saw DD for 2 days in 14.

Since then DD has begged to see ExH more. I’ve offered the weeknight back, offered to change it to another night – although she does activities some nights that she wouldn’t give up but we could work round them, offered to have DD for childcare purposes until he finishes work then drop her off with him at home/work (he lives a 2-minute walk from his workplace) but always got told no thanks, but he would have every weekend.

I was reluctant to do every weekend, I feel like I hardly see DD in the week during term time due to work meaning she’s in childcare until 5pm some nights, other nights her having activities she wanted to be in. Literally I would see her most nights for 30-60 mins apart from the night ExH was supposed to have her which I kept free and EO Friday.

ExH kept asking for every weekend and threatened to take me back to court if I didn’t give in. I told him to go ahead, not expecting them to give him every weekend given I’d offered plenty of alternatives.

But I was wrong. They spoke to DD whose now 9 very nearly 10 and she said she wanted to see her dad more.

I offered everything again for the weeknight but ExH held the line and said every weekend. We both had solicitors and my solicitor was telling me his solicitor was advising him not to push for every weekend as it’s unfair. In the end I offered 1 night every weekend, Friday – Saturday 1 week, Saturday to Sunday the next but changing contact if there was special days such as Mothers Day or her birthday.

ExH said he wanted his 4 nights in 14 and would just not return her until Sunday on the week he has Friday night.

So, he was given every weekend because he bullied his way to it – Friday to Sunday 1 week, Saturday to Sunday the next so I never get a weekend with her and he’s got almost what he wants with 3 nights in 14. He gave no explanation as to why he won’t have her in the week, despite my solicitor questioning it- but basically, he doesn’t want to actually parent her I don’t think, he didn’t want to take her to school as it meant no lie in, no pushing her on his parents (who have her on his weekends so he gets a “break”).

I am gutted, I have plans for weekends coming up, she’ll never have another birthday party because her dad won’t let me arrange it for his weekends, she’ll never be able to go to another birthday party of a friend as her dad won’t take her, she’ll never see me on her birthday if it falls on a weekend, she’ll never see me on Mother’s Day as we already had issues if they fell on his weekends with him “forgetting” when they were (and then posting photos on Social Media of her with his mum and grandmother for Mothers Day). She won’t be able to do camps with Brownies as he won’t let her on his weekends, she won’t be able to ever go on holiday with me again as I usually book Saturday to Friday or Friday to Thursday so we get 5/6 nights and can’t do longer due to contact.

I want to appeal, but I don’t know if I can, or even if it’ll make a difference. I just feel so angry. I do all the school runs, I do all the medical appointments (and there’s a few due to a medical issue DD has), I do all the haircuts, all parents evenings, all school concerts, all sports days because he can’t organise himself and yet he gets all the fun.

I have never in almost 7 years cancelled contact unless she’s been properly throwing up unwell – slight cold, sore throat, poor nights sleep she goes. ExH has cancelled multiple times because “my mums not feeling up to seeing her” “My parents are on holiday” etc.

I think this is just a rant, not sure if I will appeal or if I even can. But I feel hard done by.

If she's ten she is soon going to be independent and want to meet her friends on her own etc so the every weekend away is likely not going to last long.

Sorry your ex and his parents sound as bad as each other. It's your poor DD who is going to miss out (I agree with other posters that he's quickly going to find 9.00 am on a Saturday too early)

Why can't the dad take her to the parties and events if they are on his weekends? Surely it's normal life with dad as it is with mum. She doesn't have to miss out on anything when she is with either of you.
With regard to planning exciting things so she doesn't want to go to dad's, this is torment to the child, either she will be guilt tripped to staying with dad or made to make decisions. Really bad move. That will cause nothing but pain for the child.

I would just go with things as they are and allow her to work things out for herself.

@notgettinganyyounger Her dad won't take her, she has been there when he's said no to her going to her best friends party. Some of her classmates stopped inviting her to parties as they knew there was a chance she wouldn't be there due to it being her dads weekend, I fear she will end up with never getting another party invite again. Which is even more upsetting.

Obviously Brownies will still continue to invite her to things (and I will explain the new set up to them so they're aware) but its the parties which I fear will end up being a none thing for her. Plus never having her own means they'll quickly stop inviting her anyway, as some of her classmates are made to invite anyone who invited them to theirs (e.g. theres one girl in her class who DD invites as she likes her but isn't a friend as such, she's nice enough and makes up numbers for DD once she's invited best friends/cousins etc. but DD only goes to her party because she went to DDs).

And on this I do think those sorts of things are fine, the girl is nice enough and it broadens DDs social circle if I ever need the help to.

Don't fall into the trap of trying to fix it. If it's on a weekend it's your ex's responsibility to respond. If she comes home with an invite, tell her to give the invite to her Dad, the same with Brownies etc. if brownies or a hobby is on a weekend hand over all the arrangements and contacts etc to your ex, he can deal with payments and telling the officials she won't be attending.

Don't offer to speak to your ex on her behalf, the more you get involved the more he gets to make you the bad guy, you'll be the one telling her she can't go if you start down that route (speaking from experience here).

honestly id let all weekend activities go and tell your daughter oh its whoevers birthday party this weekend and send her to dads with invitation and get her to say she wants to go - pretty quickly she'll likely change her mind that she doesn't want to go there if she has to miss out on all the parties and activities!

Exactly. It will be up to dad to take her and if he won't dd will tell the court that she wants yo go to these things and have more weekend time at home with you.

I agree with this, don't even get involved. If she asks you, just keep saying "you'll need to speak to dad about that".

Eventually, it's likely that one of two things will happen:

He'll get sick of ferrying her around/dealing with her upset when he says no and stop wanting to have her so often.
She'll get sick of missing out on everything and refuse to go anymore.

It won't last.

The quality of some Judges decisions is shocking and the pendulum has swung so much in favour of fathers rights without any checks and balances.

This should have been a temporary order to see if it worked especially as your dd will change her views when she goes to secondary school.

I don't think going back to court soon will help as Judges are very protective over their decisions. As painful as it will be leg your dd see how the pattern works for her. Explain that a judge listened to her views so this is what must be followed. Perhaps by this time next year she will be more vocal about her need to spend weekend time with you so you can submit a new application.

If you do return to court to vary the order you can explain that dd likes to attend parties and other weekend activities but sadly her father has refused to take her. And ask for every other weekend. Save your evidence of invitations and non attendance. Best to collect the evidence as you go along. Then it's not a case of he said she said. Text the das saying party on x date please could you take her. Keep the response. Job done.

I’m so sorry OP - the judgement is very unfair and I would definitely look at appealing it. In the meantime, if they are taking DDs views into account, I think you might have to work with it for a short while and see what happens. I agree with PP that it won’t be that long until she realizes what she is missing out on and will start making demands on her dad that he won’t want to meet.

talk to your solicitor - if you appeal now will there be a waiting period anyway, or can you wait and appeal in a few months? (Will this help your case as you’ll look more ‘reasonable’)

It sounds as though you’ve done more than most would to facilitate his nonsense and it’s clear you’re trying to be as fair as possible. I don’t know how you handle this with your DD at the moment, and how much you keep from her… I don’t believe at ALL in using children as weapons, but I do think it’s important to get her into the habit of questioning the information she gets and not just accepting what her dad (or, indeed, anyone) says as fact.

If you don’t already do it, and as time goes on, try to get her to consider what’s happening. This is especially important of her dad is abusive, as it will help her to try and question the motives and statements of other people as she forms later relationships. For instance: she is invited to a birthday party, so you talk to her about how she feels about that, which friends are going, what will they be doing, would she like to go? If she says I don’t want to go - why not? If it’s because she doesn’t like the birthday child or activity - no problem. If it’s because dad won’t take her you can ask if she thinks that’s right? Would she like you to offer to pick her up from dads, take her to the party and drop her back at dads? If she says yes then do so. When he refuses you can say you tried, but the answer was no. You don’t feel that’s fair but you’re very sorry. And repeat and repeat, about everything. She is getting older and what you want is for her to reach eventually her own conclusion that what her dad is doing isn’t ‘normal’ or loving behaviour. Isn’t about supporting her needs and wants. But that you are trying to do so even in a tricky situation. You should also keep records for court of when she is missing out on stuff as her social/emotional growth should be considered and her dad should have to facilitate.

Do you have a relationship with her GP’s? If she is being dumped on them would they agree to let you have her if their son has gone out for the day/night and left her with them instead of using his allotted time (not suggesting she should never see them - just sometimes).

Try to avoid the feeling that this is forever - you will get back to birthdays/weekends/holidays and mothers days etc especially if you work at beefing up your daughter’s expectations around what her dad should be facilitating for her. Don’t let his voice (“oh no you won’t enjoy that”) be the only one in her head. But ask her the questions that will help her get there herself.

I found the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? really useful as a way to spot the flags in behavior that might otherwise appear benign. It’s not suitable for her right now, but I really recommend you read it and give her a copy when she is an older teen. She will need some help to avoid falling into crap relationships as an adult if her dad gets his hooks into her too much.

Good luck xx

Good god the man sounds an absolute cunt!

My blood boils for you OP.

I’m afraid I’d make it my mission to fight fire with fire and make his life as difficult as possible if he behaved like this with me. What an arsehole! I can’t believe the judge’s reasoning - that bc he kicked off before and REFUSED TO RETURN your DD and due to his VIOLENT past he’s essentially being rewarded by having things exactly his own way - sorry, whaaaat?!!!! I had to re-read this several times. He has proven himself to be a violent and belligerent adult, and he is being encouraged to ‘look after’ your daughter? Never mind bending over backwards to give in to his threats and demands to AVOID confrontations and more violence??! Bloody what?!!! This should be enough to bar him from further visits full stop, let alone unsupervised! What are they thinking? How did this possibly get past safe guarding?!

Getting past all that - the fact that he dumps her on his parents/grand parents so he can swan in and out when we he fancies actual parenting - seriously? So he really misses and wants to see her then! It’s not even parenting if his parents are being responsible for her is it, it’s more that he’s just casually visiting. And he cancels when they aren’t available!! So he’s not actually bothered not seeing her when they aren’t there to look after her, but when they are, you’d better believe she’s the most important thing in his life and he’ll fight you for his right to be her father… 🤦🏼‍♀️

What the hell is going on?

Edit typos - probably more, I’m really angry! 😡😆

Can you keep track of all this, then go back to the court with a witness statement saying what she's actually done all weekend, what she's missed etc? And ask that the order be varied to every other weekend plus one night midweek. Your solicitor may need to instruct a barrister to advise on tactics.

I'm so shocked
But then if it was a male judge ,not really
He's just given your ex exactly what he wants
I bet you have to pay for childcare in the summer holidays as well ,
Utter disgrace

I’m not sure if this is the right thing to do or not but I would suggest stopping at least one of her midweek activities. You need to be able to spend time together and accepting you can’t change the court order right now create time in the week. Yes it’s sad your DD misses out but you also would need an age appropriate conversation with her explaining why (not a blame this is what you get but I want to spend time with you and we can no longer do that on weekends).

like others it won’t be long before she gets bored. I also wonder if it’s worth getting some counselling so that this doesn’t impact your relationship with your daughter.

Well he's won ,and that's what it was probably all about .
As someone said up thread ,keep notes of everything she's missing
Everything he refuses to take her to , every time she's left with his parents.write it down as evidence and keep notes every time he is late

Also ,as he's now thinking he's won ,the novelty will probably soon wear off and I bet you find him canceling the weekends his parents are busy,and she's nearly ateen and they are stroppy,so I bet the novelty wears off very quickly and this is short lived

I suspect that your DD does not fully understand how much the decision is going to affect her in terms of birthday parties, hobbies, camps, etc as she gets holder. It is heartbreaking but be assured that, in time, she will see your ex for the selfish arsehole that he is when he makes no attempt to consider her wants and needs during her time with him.

An appeal might work ( I have no experience of court decisions) but, if you need to, work around it, make the best of it and wait for him to hang himself with the rope he's been given.

@Springcat I pay for everything.

All school trips, all wraparound during term time, all holiday clubs. I've paid for every single birthday party she's had. He thinks his maintenance pays it all, all £35 a month of it does of course.

He works very part time, as in CMS say he's either working full time for less than minimum wage (which I doubt) or he's working about 20 hours a week or even less depending on his hourly pay. He literally has no reason to not have her in the week for 1-2 nights.

I would absolutely appeal this. This is in no way fair. Yes her wishes should be taken into consideration but you're an equal parent and deserve a weekend with her too. Do everything you can to appeal this.

I think his parents will get fed up and he will and DD will
I think bide your time and he will hang himself

I'd make sure someone passes on to him that you are playing golf/tennis/swimming/away with friends/whatever both days of the weekend now. If he thinks it is anything other than miserable for you, he'll change his mind.

I do feel very sorry for your daughter though. who does that to their child?

Not literally hang himself.obvs

What an awful judgement. It does sound like he's doing it to punish you though rather than because he actually wants to spend time with her.

I suggest not showing him that it's bothering you and making plans for your child free weekends. My friend had the same issue with her DS, she was in hospital for a month and desperate to see him. When she got discharged he said he'd keep him for another 2 weeks. She was devastated but thanked him for this his thoughtfulness as she would find it so hard looking after a child and recovering. Her DS was literally dumped on the doorstep at 8am the following day. It was only ever about annoying her and when that didn't work he dropped him.