Court have sided with ExH for Every Weekend Contact, can I appeal? Or AIBU?

[HardDoneByContactWise]

Background:

Split with ExH due to his violence towards both me and DD when DD was 2.5 in 2017 - this was reported to the police multiple times. We went through court back then and ExH was awarded 1 overnight midweek and EOWend for 2 nights (so 4 nights in 14). Plus Boxing Day to 28th and 3 extra days during the summer (worked out at 30-32 overnights a year).

After covid ExH never picked up the weeknight overnight, so saw DD for 2 days in 14.

Since then DD has begged to see ExH more. I’ve offered the weeknight back, offered to change it to another night – although she does activities some nights that she wouldn’t give up but we could work round them, offered to have DD for childcare purposes until he finishes work then drop her off with him at home/work (he lives a 2-minute walk from his workplace) but always got told no thanks, but he would have every weekend.

I was reluctant to do every weekend, I feel like I hardly see DD in the week during term time due to work meaning she’s in childcare until 5pm some nights, other nights her having activities she wanted to be in. Literally I would see her most nights for 30-60 mins apart from the night ExH was supposed to have her which I kept free and EO Friday.

ExH kept asking for every weekend and threatened to take me back to court if I didn’t give in. I told him to go ahead, not expecting them to give him every weekend given I’d offered plenty of alternatives.

But I was wrong. They spoke to DD whose now 9 very nearly 10 and she said she wanted to see her dad more.

I offered everything again for the weeknight but ExH held the line and said every weekend. We both had solicitors and my solicitor was telling me his solicitor was advising him not to push for every weekend as it’s unfair. In the end I offered 1 night every weekend, Friday – Saturday 1 week, Saturday to Sunday the next but changing contact if there was special days such as Mothers Day or her birthday.

ExH said he wanted his 4 nights in 14 and would just not return her until Sunday on the week he has Friday night.

So, he was given every weekend because he bullied his way to it – Friday to Sunday 1 week, Saturday to Sunday the next so I never get a weekend with her and he’s got almost what he wants with 3 nights in 14. He gave no explanation as to why he won’t have her in the week, despite my solicitor questioning it- but basically, he doesn’t want to actually parent her I don’t think, he didn’t want to take her to school as it meant no lie in, no pushing her on his parents (who have her on his weekends so he gets a “break”).

I am gutted, I have plans for weekends coming up, she’ll never have another birthday party because her dad won’t let me arrange it for his weekends, she’ll never be able to go to another birthday party of a friend as her dad won’t take her, she’ll never see me on her birthday if it falls on a weekend, she’ll never see me on Mother’s Day as we already had issues if they fell on his weekends with him “forgetting” when they were (and then posting photos on Social Media of her with his mum and grandmother for Mothers Day). She won’t be able to do camps with Brownies as he won’t let her on his weekends, she won’t be able to ever go on holiday with me again as I usually book Saturday to Friday or Friday to Thursday so we get 5/6 nights and can’t do longer due to contact.

I want to appeal, but I don’t know if I can, or even if it’ll make a difference. I just feel so angry. I do all the school runs, I do all the medical appointments (and there’s a few due to a medical issue DD has), I do all the haircuts, all parents evenings, all school concerts, all sports days because he can’t organise himself and yet he gets all the fun.

I have never in almost 7 years cancelled contact unless she’s been properly throwing up unwell – slight cold, sore throat, poor nights sleep she goes. ExH has cancelled multiple times because “my mums not feeling up to seeing her” “My parents are on holiday” etc.

I think this is just a rant, not sure if I will appeal or if I even can. But I feel hard done by.

YABU

Gently, this should be about your DD and her wishes, not about you or your ex.

She wants this and so it’s unfair that you are trying to make her do something else, just because you want it done differently to her.

You do the majority of the parenting, so flip it around and think that actually yes he should have her on the weekends because he should step up and be a parent too.

I personally would do as the courts say and what your DD wants and give it 3 months and then see how things are going.

There is a strong possibility that DD will actually get fed up of going there every weekend (or he will) and that’s when you can start changing things and the courts will see that you were supportive of it and tried.

Tbh if he thinks you’re out having a good time on the weekends and dating etc he’s going to absolutely hate it.

For now, try and book your AL to coincide with the holidays.

In the long term, if this is going to last it could be worth looking for a job that’s TTO, meaning you’ll have most of the holidays off with her.

@DistinguishedSocialCommentator Grateful for what? Never ever being able to have a day out with her child again? JFC what is wrong with you?

If you think it's a troll then report the thread. Don't derail with troll hunting! Also this very much does happen as judges are humans too and humans make mistakes and misjudgments. Some are also very anti-mums

Is it ok with the courts for him to leave your DD with someone and him not to be there? I know friends who are not allowed to leave their children, alone, with anyone, and that includes the grandparents.

@Leopardmatches He didn't admit in court he leaves her though, and his parents aren't going to admit it are they?

My solicitor questionned it and asked cafcass to ask DD what happens at weekends with dad but they didn't ask her.

Some over reactions on MN utterly baffle me. Calm down.

I'd feel the same as you op!

Does you daughter realise she now won't get ANY weekend time with you? That dad won't take her to friends parties? Or brownie camps etc? Or be able to go on week long holidays with you etc. I'd not hide these facts from her.

Has your solicitor given any advice on appealling??

Whether you appeal or not I suspect this will be a short lived arrangement. She will quickly cotton on that dad isn't the best thing since sliced bread after all and the more weekends she's there, week in, week out, the more she will see now selfish he is and how much she is missing out on.

She is at an age were friends and her own social life is becoming increasingly important to her. She will soon question why she can't go to parties and whatnot.

(Minor note to add. I'd book a Monday to Friday or a 2/3 night mid week UK break at some point so dad can't scupper those getaway plans!)

Ok so procedurally I don't understand what has happened, if arrangements weren't agreed there should have been a fully contested final hearing where you, dad and the CAFCASS officer gave evidence and could be cross examined.
If this hasn't happened and the judge has made a final order then that is appealable. You have 21 calendar days from the date of order.
What does your solicitor say? Did you have a barrister?

Dreadful decision but I would cut back on her weekly activities so you can do more fun stuff after school? Can you cut back on your hours so she does not need to go to ASC and catch up weekends? I would not worry about the parties and sleepovers. She may come to the conclusion herself that weekends at Dads are a bit boring and she doesn't want to go.

I think after a few weeks of this either he or your DD or his parents will get fed up of this and start cancelling weekend visits. I agree that your ex sounds like the type who will get disgruntled if he thinks you are going out and about and having a high old time while he is stuck in looking after your DD.

The violence is worrying and if the judge made the decision simply to avoid upsetting your ex that decision is definitely questionable.

The grandparents aren't known child molesters and they are your DD's relatives who she has an existing relationship with. So even if you or your DD said she was left with them unfortunately no-one would believe it is every minute she stays with her dad.

I can look after my SC on my own without restrictions but I refuse to because I'm not a babysitter. (I'm the mother of their half-sibling so time with me would be time with my DD.)

WOW! Have not read whole thread, and quite frankly, after reading a few of Op's replies, I don't think I need to.

Courts and judges get a bashing a lot of the time. If your solicitor was THAT good, they would advice you to let it go.

You started off telling us how ex was abusive to you and DD and how the polIce were called several times. Ok.

Only for you to acknowledge that DD asked to see her DAD more. DD is so clear in her WANTS that she even referenced the period before schools shut as her reference point as wanting to see her dad more.

You LOST. DD WON.

Sorry, you have to do parenting all week, please use your Weekends to rest. Dad asked for every weekend, an independent and impartial judge listened to 2 solicitors and decided to agree to every weekend.

So @HardDoneByContactWise suck it up. Them is breaks! So happy for your DD. I loved my dad as much as I loved my mum, so that I too would have demanded to see my DAD more and would have loved every Weeknd going off to dad. So stop thinking only about yourself. DD wants to bond with her dad and dad asked for every Weekend and was granted it. Let it GO and find a weekend hobby!

Yours was the over reaction and she's quite right - if you don't believe it report it.

It’s court sanctioned Disney parenting isn’t it? You do all the hard work, he gets to play at being daddy. Does he send her clothes home washed and ironed ?
I sympathise OP, I had this 40 years ago and it was shit then.

no, fair enough Harddoneby.

I really don't think a 9 year old can fully appreciate what it means to lose out on all of your socialisation.

She'll certainly be getting a lot of 1:1 dad time and not much else.

This is a child who is no longer going to have any meaningful time with her mum. She needed the judge to be sensible and balance her need to have a good relationship with both of her parents and the judge shat the bed.
The only person who "won" is the abusive deadbeat dad who pays £7per week to keep his child fed and clothed.

It’s just appalling

I know this is going to sound cold but your daughter wanted to see her dad more. She kind of got her wish.

I am a lawyer- not a divorce lawyer.

The COURT is the upper guardian of all children. Bet you didn't know that.
The COURT's paramount job is to SAFEGUARD the interests of the CHILD.

You and the other poster @Whattodo112222 are NOT judges. I go to court often. Yes, any child who can articulate her needs (no matter the age) clearly and by themselves, is always a 'danger' to the disagreeing parent as the JUDGE is obliged to take the child's views into consideration.

Have you lot forgot what poor Madonna had to go through when Rocco, then 17 iirc, decided not to return to NYC but stay in London with his dad. Madonna's case was held in private -as Rocco still minor- but even I knew, the ONLY thing Madonna could do was to show and Rocco her love to her boy from NYC. Lo and behold, her very expensive lawyers quite rightly advised her so, as we got bombarded with instagram posts of Madonna and other kids sending love to Rocco. I have met a 5 year od who can articulate herself- the judge would still give her more weight than a 12 year old who didn't actually know how much of dad they wanted to see, although, not objecting to seeing Dad altogether.

Don't underestimate the weight put on the both parties having solicitors. No way, a judge could make a wrong decision aided by 2 solicitors and reading what the DD said wanted. Unless OP wants to say some kind of fraud happened- this was a well presented case especially with OP having a 'best' solicitor and so, the rightful party won- DD. And she won in the way the Judge saw and heard fit- every weekend with dad.

simples

Haven't caught up yet but is he going to claim cms off you?
Imo he won't cope with an unhappy dd a few months down the line.

I let our ridiculous order ride out. Once your ex hears about your new social life at the week ends I bet dd will be dropped off quite regularly.. I would be appearing at pick up glammed up. Every time.

Rarely read such utter nonsense on this site 👏

It's a dreadful judgement but I suspect that once your daughter realises she is missing holidays, parties and fun with mum she will want to change to a different system. With her voice against every weekend the courts will reverse this faster. Frankly it sounds as though he has manipulated her into supporting it.

So sorry you're going through this OP. He sounds like a knob and a bully and the Family Courts are dire.

I would play the long game as well and follow the order for now to the very letter. Document this. PP’s are correct in that the child’s opinion carries heavy weight from around this age, particularly if they are articulate.
If however your DD starts saying I want to spend “this particular weekend with mum”, I would follow her wishes but document her wishes extensively.
Your ex would then have to breach you and take you to court.
It will then likely come up under another judge who will see a child wanting to have some weekends with her mother but this hasn’t been allowed at all by the previous judge. And the DD did not actually ask to spend every weekend with dad, just more often.
It will all look unsustainable and the judge will have to review the situation again and ask DD’s wishes once again.

This is awful and so unfair. Hopefully your daughter will soon realise she is missing out on things and ask to change it back (then I would appeal). Sounds like her dad is doing it to spite you especially since he leaves your DD with his parents for a break, he might ask to change the schedule back once he realises he’s not getting any weekends to himself.

Her birthdays 3 weeks into the summer term so I would have her party 3 weeks early during half term. 3 weeks early won’t matter and her friends aren’t going to mind. There’s no way I’d let her miss out on a party if that’s what she wanted. She’s also old enough to understand why the party needs to be early.

😂😂 absolutely not a chance you’re a lawyer.