Court have sided with ExH for Every Weekend Contact, can I appeal? Or AIBU?

[HardDoneByContactWise]

Background:

Split with ExH due to his violence towards both me and DD when DD was 2.5 in 2017 - this was reported to the police multiple times. We went through court back then and ExH was awarded 1 overnight midweek and EOWend for 2 nights (so 4 nights in 14). Plus Boxing Day to 28th and 3 extra days during the summer (worked out at 30-32 overnights a year).

After covid ExH never picked up the weeknight overnight, so saw DD for 2 days in 14.

Since then DD has begged to see ExH more. I’ve offered the weeknight back, offered to change it to another night – although she does activities some nights that she wouldn’t give up but we could work round them, offered to have DD for childcare purposes until he finishes work then drop her off with him at home/work (he lives a 2-minute walk from his workplace) but always got told no thanks, but he would have every weekend.

I was reluctant to do every weekend, I feel like I hardly see DD in the week during term time due to work meaning she’s in childcare until 5pm some nights, other nights her having activities she wanted to be in. Literally I would see her most nights for 30-60 mins apart from the night ExH was supposed to have her which I kept free and EO Friday.

ExH kept asking for every weekend and threatened to take me back to court if I didn’t give in. I told him to go ahead, not expecting them to give him every weekend given I’d offered plenty of alternatives.

But I was wrong. They spoke to DD whose now 9 very nearly 10 and she said she wanted to see her dad more.

I offered everything again for the weeknight but ExH held the line and said every weekend. We both had solicitors and my solicitor was telling me his solicitor was advising him not to push for every weekend as it’s unfair. In the end I offered 1 night every weekend, Friday – Saturday 1 week, Saturday to Sunday the next but changing contact if there was special days such as Mothers Day or her birthday.

ExH said he wanted his 4 nights in 14 and would just not return her until Sunday on the week he has Friday night.

So, he was given every weekend because he bullied his way to it – Friday to Sunday 1 week, Saturday to Sunday the next so I never get a weekend with her and he’s got almost what he wants with 3 nights in 14. He gave no explanation as to why he won’t have her in the week, despite my solicitor questioning it- but basically, he doesn’t want to actually parent her I don’t think, he didn’t want to take her to school as it meant no lie in, no pushing her on his parents (who have her on his weekends so he gets a “break”).

I am gutted, I have plans for weekends coming up, she’ll never have another birthday party because her dad won’t let me arrange it for his weekends, she’ll never be able to go to another birthday party of a friend as her dad won’t take her, she’ll never see me on her birthday if it falls on a weekend, she’ll never see me on Mother’s Day as we already had issues if they fell on his weekends with him “forgetting” when they were (and then posting photos on Social Media of her with his mum and grandmother for Mothers Day). She won’t be able to do camps with Brownies as he won’t let her on his weekends, she won’t be able to ever go on holiday with me again as I usually book Saturday to Friday or Friday to Thursday so we get 5/6 nights and can’t do longer due to contact.

I want to appeal, but I don’t know if I can, or even if it’ll make a difference. I just feel so angry. I do all the school runs, I do all the medical appointments (and there’s a few due to a medical issue DD has), I do all the haircuts, all parents evenings, all school concerts, all sports days because he can’t organise himself and yet he gets all the fun.

I have never in almost 7 years cancelled contact unless she’s been properly throwing up unwell – slight cold, sore throat, poor nights sleep she goes. ExH has cancelled multiple times because “my mums not feeling up to seeing her” “My parents are on holiday” etc.

I think this is just a rant, not sure if I will appeal or if I even can. But I feel hard done by.

I’d sit tight OP. I think the shine will wear off very quickly for both of them. When she realises there is not fun to be had, and he realises weekend fun is harder I think this will all fall apart.

And it could completely backfire on you if you appeal and your DD repeats that she wants to see more of her father and is happy with every weekend.
It stinks doesn’t it?

WTF? This judgement is insane.

So you, as the woman and mother, get to do all the hard, day to day work of parenting. All the appointments, hurried evening tea time, homework, bathtime. You have to pay and organise after school clubs around your work.

Unless you work term time only, days out or even just a few hours quality time with your child will be few and far between, dictated largely by your annual leave!

Absolutely bonkers. I'm so sorry.

I agree, please don’t do this. She has to come to her own natural conclusion without your input. I cannot imagine how hard and unfair this this, though.

If you appeal sooner rather than later then I think that you should have exceptions made for her birthday, Christmas, Mother’s Day and some weekends during the summer so that you can take her on holiday for longer than 5 days. This may mean ex benefitting sometimes because special occasions may be on weekdays but will hopefully be good for you too.

Did the court talk to your DD about this arrangement? Did you talk to your DD about how this change may affect her before going to court? I appreciate that children shouldn't be caught in the middle, but at 9/10 they don't think about how that might impact on their lives other than just seeing her dad more. If you did and she was still adamant then I'm not sure what else you can do other than let it play out.
My heart goes out to you. I sometimes don't see my DC on their birthdays or mother's day any more..they are a year or two older than your dd and I don't insist on seeing them now (although I could as in CAO) because I know that they understand that I love them with all my heart, but as much as I would love for them to be with me on their birthday or mother's day, I would rather they enjoyed the day with whomever they were with without worrying about having to fit a trip in to see me and we will celebrate when I next see them.

Just to add to my thoughts on appeal, if prospects are slim based on what your solicitor said, I would suggest giving it 6 months and then applying to vary based on the issues that have arisen since the order was made.
And then get yourself the very best barrister you can afford for the hearings (you didn't mention whether you had a barrister for the final hearing - I would say if you can pay, get a very experienced one who will prepare a detailed skeleton argument, cross examine dad and CAFCASS effectively and then make persuasive closing submissions)

And the order needs to be very specific re the distinction between term time and holidays, special occasions etc. It can't just be every weekend 52 weeks per year. Otherwise either the judge is bonkers or you weren't well represented because that's basic stuff.

If this ends up being stuck in stone, could you change to work on weekends and free up two days during the week? That way you would get to see her more?

Is your dd’s birthday near a school holiday ? It sounds like you might need to do any party with school friends on a weekday during the school holidays.

Tbh I'd let it pan out for a period of time and see what your dd feels like in 6 months time.

I suspect your ex has done this because it will upset you more, not because he wants to see your dd more.

I'd make myself scarce on weekends and when he asks you to have dd because he wants to go out (which he will do), ignore the request and be busy.

Nothing will make him want to change contact more than seeing you enjoying yourself on a weekend. By that point the novelty will have worn off concerning your dd seeing her df,so when you go back to court she will say she wants to see you more. id nit ho back to court until your dd expresses a wish yo see you on a weekend.

As far as both of them are concerned you're happy with the outcome and will smile and be agreeable.

Why would anyone be grateful to lose their child every weekend?!

Because the courts decided, get it?

I'd invent a bf and hint how lovely it is to be child free.
He'll drop dd like a hot potato.

Does Dd realise all of the things she can't do because of this? She might not have thought it through age 9

I would 100% appeal, including all the points you outlined
Why should his convenience overrule fairness of time with both?!

If it starts from now I do wonder if Dd will be fed up fairly soon...

I think as this is what DD wants you should just leave it.

I agree with the posters who say don't bother appealing and play the long game instead of lining solicitors pockets.

A few months is a very long time for a 9 year old.

By the time she is 11 she will have more understanding of that seeing her dad more isn't exciting and it stops her doing things with her friends.

When she is in secondary school at around 12 you can go back to Court (or your ex may take you to Court as she is refusing to go to his) and she will be able to say herself that she wants to spend more time with her friends but being at her paternal grandparents is preventing her.

OP I've not read everyone else's posts, just yours, but at your daughter's age she is just starting to get to the point that socialising will become more and more important to her.

If you can bear to just cope for the next year I have a feeling that his reluctance to facilitate her social life will soon wear very thin, and when she is spending every weekend with grandparents and great grandparents instead of getting the "promised" extra time with her Dad that he seems to have fought for, I imagine she will change her opinion of this "quality time" she was promised.

When she gets a party invitation, make sure she is the one asking her Dad if she can go, when she gets the info for Brownie camo make sure she is the one asking her Dad if she can go, Mother's Day.....she asks her Dad if she can spend some time with her Mum on that Sunday.....she's not daft, she will very quickly understand that his constant "no, no, no" whilst palming her off on grandparents is nothing more than him being selfish.

Her desire for a social life should soon be your secret weapon.

As to birthday parties...hold an after school party on the Friday evening that you have her closest to her birthday. It may limit what she can do but again, if she asks her Dad if you can arrange a party and he says "no" then she will know the score.

I’ve been through a similar situation, don’t want to depress you but forewarned is forearmed etc.

Ex spectacularly uninterested in kids till we separated - taken to court for 50/50 (I’d offered up to anyway, but ‘the punishment is in the process’ as they say and he’d rather make me pay fr solicitors than negotiate ). He didn’t let them do activities in his time (except one DC’s football) as that was ‘their special time together’ so I managed and paid for gymnastics, martial arts scouts etc in my time, as they asked to go and I didn’t want them to miss out.

When the complaints started rolling in from DCs about not being ‘allowed’ to do stuff on dad’s time, it was twisted to ‘well if you spent more time here, you’d be able to do those things, but you’re at mum’s half the time’. Along with something about how I can’t love them as much as he does because I’m always packing them off to activities/having gp’s visit in my time (his family live several hundreds of miles away and he’s never really bothered with them).
Youngest DC now lives with him full time and I rarely get any contact as they’re now ‘too busy‘ with activities he has put on for them. No point going to court due to their age.

Can’t really offer any advice - just as pp have said, it sounds more like this is to punish you than for DD’s benefit, and wanted to give a heads up where it can lead. Would love to say I’m gobsmacked a court even considered this as a reasonable option rather than EOW with one or two days through the week, but I’ve seen some pretty breathtaking judgements in my time.

Best Of luck OP

That is a horrible judgement. Even if it went to 50/50 it would have been better. You and your child need downtime together. It’s also healthy for dad and his child to have the real life days together.

I have no idea how you fix this or if it’s even possible, but I hope you find a solution.

@wejammin

• Was the order determined after hearing evidence including from CAFCASS?

Yes evidence heard from both solicitors and from cafcass, cafcass where not present in court so couldn't be questioned. Their report however said "(DD) has said she would like to see her dad more, like she used to" DD has not mentioned every weekend to anyone according cafcass report who also spoke to DDs teacher.

• What was the judge's reasoning behind every weekend?

Reasoning was that ExH had refused weekdays repeatedly and he'd threatened to not return her on the Saturday when he has her on the Friday because he "wants the whole weekend with her" and it was felt it'd be unfair to DD if that could potentially lead to her seeing arguments and/or more violence (she is still affected by the violence in her early childhood).

Judge said as DD wanted to see ExH more and ExH wants her more often every weekend makes sense to avoid those confrontations and fullfill both wants. My views were not considered.

• How long ago was the order?

Made at the end of February 2024. The original CAO was made in 2018 just after DD turned 4 so it's right to update it but I didn't expect this.

Cafcass weren't in court to be questioned, we spoke on the phone after the initial hearing when an updated Section 7 was ordered, they never spoke to DD in person/at her school, she spoke to DD on the phone while she was at school and spoke to DDs teacher who will have said DD wanted to see her dad more, because she does.

I've accepted it now, it's just the way it is. I just feel awful about it.

He will still have his extra contact at Christmas and during the school holidays so he's lost out on 1 day a fortnight only.

The original order had Mothers Day with me and Fathers Day with him, but he'd never return her for Mothers Day if it fell on his weekend, he'd say he didn't know when it was then there would be photos on his Instagram of her with his mum and grandmother for Mothers Day 🙄 I used to let it go so I'll just have ti.

I get 26 paid days off a year (we have to use a day for Christmas Day and Easter Monday Bank Holiday even if they're not our usual work days) so I'll just have to be creative with it.

This!

@Delphiniumandlupins Grandparents won't even acknowledge me, if I have DD with me when I see them they will speak to her but never me, if I'm on my own they blank me completely.

ExH won't take her to any activity on his weekends at all, even if I offered to keep paying, which is why I am reluctant to stop swimming in the week given she's already missed out on it at school but I might have to. I doubt she'd give up Brownies at all, even if she can't do camps/parades/events with them (and there is a few, usually at least 2 per term).

@BoohooWoohoo Nope not near school holiday, about 3 weeks in Summer Term 1.