To think DH is wrong and this isn't the norm for most families?

[jobstressfedup]

I'm at the end of my tether with DH's job at the moment. It's just not family friendly at all. He works long shifts (often 6am-6pm), nights, and every other weekend. Some shifts even include a 9pm finish. My job is a relatively "normal" 9-5, 4 days a week. Therefore our weekends are all we have as a family.

The hardest part of this is the absence every other weekend. For example this weekend he's worked 6am-6pm both Saturday and Sunday. It's my day off today and he's back working 8-5. I look after our toddler by myself when he's working (no family support nearby). I've told him this is starting to get to me now, and I'd like him to consider a more family friendly job where we get every weekend together not just every other. Some months he will even opt to do overtime on one of his weekends off, meaning we only get one weekend a month.

When I discussed this with DH he said "most jobs" will likely involve an element of weekend or early morning / late evening working and that this is norm for "most families". I disagree and think most families probably have at least their weekends together.

Who's correct?

Very close. Prison.

This is totally my life (and has been for 20+ years) but I have accepted it as the benefits far outweigh the negatives - pay, the time when he is off. Try to make the most of your weekends together and have plans in place for when you are on your own (meeting a friend with kids/seeing family etc).

When my DH is off, we prioritise that time for our family and will say no to other plans so we keep that time for us as a family. Dont do weekend clubs when the kids are older or you will never have time to just be a family.

It’s not easy but weekend work is a fairly common requirement if you’re DH is not in a typical 9-5 job. I promise you it does get easier as the kids get older but its tough going with young kids.

@CutthroatDruTheViolent
If you read my earlier responses I haven't completely ruled out either changing my NWD to match his or going FT myself - I've simply outlined the financial implications of these changes. That doesn't mean I've ruled them out. Just thinking out loud about the implications.

Yes there are opportunities for progression in his field.

Isn't the prison service massively understaffed at the moment? Is the overtime voluntary, or is there pressure from management or his colleagues to take it?

@randomchap
Yes it is massively understaffed, and yes he does get pressured to accept shifts. But he also enjoys his job and is massively motivated by the extra money, so he willingly accepts.

I did read all your posts which is exactly why I said that? Posting "yes we could do that but...." insinuates you don't really want to. Especially when you don't post that you haven't ruled them out. I'm a post reader not a mind reader.

Ultimately any of these changes people have offered are going to be quicker than your husband getting a new job, aren't they?

Do you feel he's choosing work over family? He may be so focused on being the breadwinner that he's not seeing his other responsibilities to the family.

He's getting time pressure from home and work. Can't be a fun situation for anyone here.

@CutthroatDruTheViolent
I don't think it does insinuate that, at all. I'm just thinking aloud and weighing options up as I post. So we can agree to disagree.

also I'm posting quickly at points as I'm with my toddler, so I may not be articulating myself as clearly as I could if I was able to give my full attention! Doesn't mean I've just ruled things out or I'm not responding to things purposely, I'm just busy!

@randomchap
Honestly? yes, at times I do think he choosing keeping work happy over keeping his wife and child happy. Genuinely.

Well, if you think it's possible for him to earn as much as you need him to, working m-f 9-5 why don't you find some jobs he has the skills to apply for?

I think he's 'more right' than you are.

No, 'most' jobs aren't like this, but quite a lot are, especially if one is looking to progress (for more money) or get overtime (for more money) or in some industries, just keep the job you have.

OP I understand- it can feel a bit rubbish and unrelenting at times with a small child. My husband is the same (railway). We get 1 in 3 weekends together. Although I think the thing that’s upsetting you more is that he’s accepting the overtime shifts without checking. My husband has the opportunity for overtime on his weekends off but wouldn’t take the shift unless we were struggling financially & not without running it by me first. It would upset me if we didn’t need the money and took the shifts without giving me a say.

It does get easier and shift work has benefits too. My husband personally wouldn’t be able to earn the same salary in a Mon-Fri role. The ‘golden handcuffs’ they call it.

It’s tough. DP works in football, he goes to a lot of night matches and every Sunday he’s at a match which could be anywhere in the country. Lots of foreign trips to European matches and the summer tournaments he goes to for four or five weeks.

We basically get Saturdays together most weeks and try to keep that for just us. It’s hard to sit down and have a conversation sometimes as he’s often shattered. He’s never that keen to socialise with friends for the same reason which I find hard.

I’ve had to build a really strong social life with mum friends for nights out, mutual babysitting and play dates otherwise I’d be a bit lonely.

I genuinely know very, very few families where both parents work in typical "Monday to Friday" jobs. Most do require either early starts, late finishes, nights, weekends or, if you're unlucky, a mixture of all of the above.

That doesn't change how shit it is, of course, but I do think it's very normal for a huge number of people, especially in industries like the one your DP is in.

DH and I don't have children and still find ourselves working opposing days/shifts a lot of the time. We're both self-employed so basically take the money where we can. It can be hard at times but ultimately when you have bills to pay you can't always afford to be picky.

That sounds like a pretty normal working pattern in his field, and similar to working patterns in a lot of different jobs.

If you're struggling with it, then you could ask him to leave it and get a different job with hours you prefer, but realistically you'd have to trade-off something - at the moment it sounds like he's working a reasonably full shift schedule and bringing in a good amount of money, so reducing his working hours and restricting his working pattern would bring in less money, unless you increased your hours or changed job to bring in more to compensate. Is that a trade-off that would work for your family?

If you're feeling lonely and isolated, maybe check out local parent and toddler groups or join some classes? Where I am, a lot of families have at least one parent working something other than the traditional 9-5, so you'd probably find some other parents in similar situations.

I’m really sorry, but your expectations seem unrealistic.

You complain about his overtime, but seem unwilling to accept that any change of job for him or a reduction in hours, may well impact your family income. Do you know his industry well enough to be sure there are jobs on equal pay to his current role but with better hours? Have you looked to see whether what you’d like him to achieve is realistic in his field?

You say you want to spend more time as a family, but don’t accept that cutting out his overtime would allow this. The EOW is a red herring right now, because if this was the only fly in the ointment then both you and your husband may feel better resourced to handle it (you to do the solo parenting, or him to spend time looking to change his work situation). So I don’t think it’s unreasonable to suggest that you take this in stages and get him out of a full on work mindset/both agree to accept lower income for a while to see if you can manage without the OT and if it improves things.

I’m not surprised he feels he can’t change anything at all, when you don’t seem willing to look at making piecemeal changes or to tackle things in stages. In his shoes I’d feel quite overwhelmed as well, and that would make it hard for me to consider what options could be viable or available. All I would hear if I were him, is that I need to magically find a job on the same pay, less hours and a more predictable work pattern. I wouldn’t feel that I was being offered much support or empathy as to the implications of that or how feasible it is in real terms.

If you’re in a partnership and you want to work as a team you need to first look at any and all changes you can yourself make to support your needs, and then try and discuss how he can help you with those/what they mean for the family/whether there are any changes he can consider or work towards etc. You can’t just make this into a binary “I’m right, he’s wrong” scenario. It’ll get you precisely nowhere.

Also your child is growing and these years are the most labour intensive time, so it’s not surprising you’re struggling. But the experience of parenting alone will change as your DD gets older, so perhaps instead of perceiving this as something your stuck with forever, see what flex you both have that might take a bit of pressure off for the next year and then revisit.

It does feel crappy when you don't get time together. My husband is a farmer.

@samqueens has perfectly voiced how I see this too.

You don’t really want to make any changes that affect your income but you also want less weekend working. Given the industry he’s in, I can’t see how you’re going to tick both boxes.

Have you looked yourself to see if there are any suitable jobs that match his salary but without the long hours? You seem convinced these jobs exist but is this just wishful thinking or have you done your homework?

You say you have the greater capacity to earn more so maybe he needs to find a job with shorter hours and you increase yours? That would seem to make the most sense but you’d still need to accept some reduction in income.

Dont think I’m unsympathetic because I am - toddler years are hard! And solo weekends can get wearing. I just think you need to figure out where and what you’re willing to make compromises on because I don’t think the magic solution you’re looking for exists.

I am not really sure what the answer is given you say his overtime bumps up his salary considerably and if you reversed roles so that he worked part time and you work full time would reduce disposable income and increase nursery costs. It is difficult to just completely change sectors to move away from weekend working so he is not wrong when he says he is not keen.

Surely the first thing is to stop the weekend overtime given he works every other weekend anyway. Changing your NWD to the same as his might help. You could also change nursery days so you have a family day or does he look after your DD then anyway?

It will improve as your DD gets older as long as you don't have another baby which will be tough given the amount of solo parenting you do. I get that it is tough. My DH used to work long hours but he did at least get weekends off.

I guess you must feel like a single parent but if he looks after your DD on his NWD he is at least pulling his weight. What are his contracted hours?

@samqueens
Maybe so, but equally I don't feel I'm being offered much empathy or understanding from him in terms of how overwhelmed and lonely I feel. So I guess we are both feeling that if that is indeed the case. The difference being, I am the only one of the two of us who at least attempts to open up a conversation about it. He shuts my attempts down and is quite dismissive generally about how I feel tbh. So it's not wonder I'm posting here as I just feel really unheard and unsupported generally, and really isolated and lonely.

@Scirocco
I already do toddler activities, I go swimming with DD on a weekend and I meet with friends etc on my days off. It's just not the same. I still feel the loneliness. I want to feel part of a family, I am literally craving that feeling of just togetherness and being a family. I feel really on my own with a lot of stuff. I send DH pictures and videos and he sees them on his lunch break (can't take his phone into work so out of contact for most of his shifts), but honestly it's just not the same. I miss him, and so does DD.

I told my husband that if he didn't switch jobs I certainly wouldn't have a child with him, and we'd probably divorce, after he spent 40h working on his laptop on holiday (this was the last straw, not a one off, obviously).

I'd been there and done that with my own work situation. Like hell was I adding a child to the mix.

Funny thing is, once we both stopped setting our noses to the grindstone, we both had the breathing space to work on other qualifications, which got us better pay and conditions. And our savings and investments went up, as did our health.

Maybe he feels a bit stuck in the middle of you and his job.

It doesn't sound like it's easy for either of you and maybe he doesn't want to keep having the same conversation about how shit it is, over and over again.