To think DH is wrong and this isn't the norm for most families?

[jobstressfedup]

I'm at the end of my tether with DH's job at the moment. It's just not family friendly at all. He works long shifts (often 6am-6pm), nights, and every other weekend. Some shifts even include a 9pm finish. My job is a relatively "normal" 9-5, 4 days a week. Therefore our weekends are all we have as a family.

The hardest part of this is the absence every other weekend. For example this weekend he's worked 6am-6pm both Saturday and Sunday. It's my day off today and he's back working 8-5. I look after our toddler by myself when he's working (no family support nearby). I've told him this is starting to get to me now, and I'd like him to consider a more family friendly job where we get every weekend together not just every other. Some months he will even opt to do overtime on one of his weekends off, meaning we only get one weekend a month.

When I discussed this with DH he said "most jobs" will likely involve an element of weekend or early morning / late evening working and that this is norm for "most families". I disagree and think most families probably have at least their weekends together.

Who's correct?

I don’t know but it’s not the norm for us. My dh works a working day, back for dinner, helps put the kids to bed and we have evenings and weekends together. I would struggle to be in a relationship with someone without this. We are very lucky if it is isn’t the norm.

Is he a copper?

It's the norm for lots of families, depending on the type of work. It's why some people choose not to have children, because they know that their job (or their partner's job) is not compatible with family life. My partner's career was certainly one of the reasons why we remained childfree. Normally, I think couples would discuss this in advance of having a baby?

You can't make him give up his career. Maybe you should have find something with a 9 to 5.30 WFH job before you settle down. I think YABVU.

There are plenty of careers that work office hours only but it's not what your DH does.

Someone's already mentioned this and apologies if you'v e answered already.

If you earn more- can you not go full time 9-5 (mon-fri)and he can cut back on overtime. Therefore- weekend is free for family time?

I just wanted to ask, as OP called it a career, is it a career or is it a job?

Rightly or wrongly, I define a career as being on a path to an end goal with increasing seniority (and pay!) as you progress.

If that's the case for OP's DH, then I'd be looking to see where his career path is likely to take him and does it involve working more family-friendly hours?

If his potential future roles are more family friendly, then I'd be looking to see what's needed to make that happen. Can he cut down on overtime to allow time for training and certification that could be done from home?

I'm just thinking, this might at least give you hope that there's light at the end of the tunnel.

The 9 to 5 Monday to Friday job is not really the norm and never was. How many businesses can you think of that close down outside those hours?

This was normal for us while they were growing up. DH is a nurse and was working shifts. It was nice when he got a 9-5 post to be fair but I don’t think what you’re describing is particularly unusual. You just have to make it work however you can when they’re little.

It’s not a career if he’s not skilled though, is it? It’s just shift enhancements for unsociable hours.

I work a basic job in NHS, but my income is good enough due to shift enhancements. My dh is a highly skilled professional, in a demanding career with lots of late hours and business travel. Our hours are almost opposite and at times I feel it is completely burning us out. It’s not sustainable or family friendly, something has to give.

I do understand, OP. Can he up skill? These kind of hours just burn you both out.

Well if he works fewer shifts then you're still going to have less disposable income. If you want him to work less then he's going to be bringing home less.

Why don't you try the suggestion to both have the same day off each week, try it for 6 months or so. See if it works.

1. Co-ordinate your days off.
2. Consider increasing your better paid days to accommodate him reducing his.

My dad was incredibly hard working; shifts and over term. It is not sustainable in the long term.

I think there is a lot mixed up here about gender roles and expectations which is probably unspoken and at least on his side he’s not thought about it at all.

the social pressure / expectation on men to provide and outearn their female partners is high.

AND it enables them to avoid a lot of the hard parts of parenting young children.

OP Google ‘the top five regrets of the dying’ (there’s a good Guardian article summarising it) get him to read it and reflect on number 2.

logically you and he should look at all this again.

you should up your hours and he should do less. Until at least you have a better balance of time off and family time and be in a similar place financially.

if with your higher earning power you were the man / dad in this situation you can bet you’d be working full time as ‘your earning power is so much higher and it makes sense to max out the higher earning career’

while your partner would be not working ‘because it’s not worth the nursery fees’ or very part time around YOUR jobs requirements which of course are more important because you earn more.

Mumsnet is FULL of posters doing this when the man earns more.

im not saying you should do that. But given your higher earning power you have options

but as you say he has to open his mind to what he is missing out on (family life) and what he fears (loss of social status if you out earn / out perform him at work)

People show you what’s important to them by what they prioritise in life. He is not putting time with his family first, and that speaks volumes about what he sees as important. Use this information as you see fit.

From the time DC were aged between 2- 15 DH worked every weekend and Bank Holiday and was not able to take time off during school holidays. So I had 5 children at home. Plus caring for my elderly parents. He did odd shifts that included a lot of evening work so rarely around. I understand your frustration. Twenty year's later he's still in the same job and we're still going!

I think you're being unreasonable to ignore the suggestion that you increase your hours.
It would mean he could carry on doing his job but drop the overtime and potentially more hours leaving him more 1-1 time with your child and more time for you as a family at weekends.
You haven't said he objects to the idea. It sounds a bit like you want for him to be the one to lose out while you keep everything the same as you're happy with your lot?
Changing your day in the week will only help in the short term, once your child is in school you'll be back to no family time. It's the weekends that seem to be the problem. And if you don't want to lose out financially I think you need to be prepared for it to impact you as well. You can't complain he's doing overtime when you have a much higher earning potential you are choosing not to use imo.

It’s the norm for some families (and most of the replies here will be from those families) but it’s not great.

DH has worked shifts since before/after we had kids and although we’ve managed, it's rubbish knowing that you only get one full weekend as a family in every eight. I've been to so many nights out, parties, family get togethers, etc. on my own or with the kids and have just had to get used to it. I'm sure family think he's avoiding them at some gatherings which is frustrating as he'd love to be off every Saturday and Sunday but that's not shift patterns work...

However, it’s DH’s vocation and TBH he won’t get a job in another field now and so will see this one out until retirement. The kids are older now and so we just make it work for us by having our Saturday night on e.g. a Wednesday (when he’s off shift) and I’ll book annual leave off to fit around his shifts.

Being ships that pass in the night has been a downer though and has caused slight issues in the past.

Police role?

Bit harsh. Maybe he feels under pressure to financially support his family?

It's ridiculous that he opts in to do more overtime on his weekend off. Either he is eager to avoid home life or he's insecure about you earning more and wants to pretend he has the same earning power by doing overtime while you act as his unpaid childminder.

What an odd and incredibly passive aggressive post.

It sounds like he’s working hard to provide for his family. I see no indicator that he’s spending time and money on himself (unless I’ve missed it). This is the norm for lots of families particularly when the kids are young and particularly at the moment.

The reality of life is that when you have kids lots of things end up being a compromise on your ideal. The trick is to make sure that you’re agreed on where that compromise sits. Doesn’t make anyone a bad person if their perception of how to best support their family is different from someone else’s.

it's a lot and I'm finding it draining and also very lonely.

I can really empathise with this, as a single parent I found the weekdays ok as I could meet friends etc (I worked part time) but weekends were dull and lonely at times as no one was around to socialise with as all my friends were spending time as families.

As my dd got older I would do a lot of activities at the weekend with her, swimming lessons, clubs, drama sessions were all planned for the weekend and we did a lot of picnics afterwards, cinema and stuff just the two of us.

With a toddler though thats not really possible, and I agree he is missing out. Does he have to do the EOW work or is it overtime or shift pattern? Does he get any time off in the weekdays?

I don't think it's the norm for most people to work full days on the weekends or have such inconsistency in working patterns, no.

I do think it's normal to have to work in the evenings and on weekends in many roles though.

Dh and I both have careers were out of hours working is the norm. We will do some work after the dc are in bed or a bit on a weekend or an early morning, in addition to a 9-5. It rarely takes a whole weekend day though. But there definitely are days when one of us leaves at 6am and isn't home until 9-10pm, but it would be more once or twice a month than every week.

But that's also a conscious decision. We could both work a lot more if we wanted to opt out of time together, but we don't.

He sees his dc housed and fed as a priority.
Seems pretty important to me.

Yabu really, it's his job - if he can't easily make the same money somewhere else and you don't want to go full time to make more then he's not in the wrong

NWD
sorry I can't find this acronym ? what is it please