To think DH is wrong and this isn't the norm for most families?

[jobstressfedup]

I'm at the end of my tether with DH's job at the moment. It's just not family friendly at all. He works long shifts (often 6am-6pm), nights, and every other weekend. Some shifts even include a 9pm finish. My job is a relatively "normal" 9-5, 4 days a week. Therefore our weekends are all we have as a family.

The hardest part of this is the absence every other weekend. For example this weekend he's worked 6am-6pm both Saturday and Sunday. It's my day off today and he's back working 8-5. I look after our toddler by myself when he's working (no family support nearby). I've told him this is starting to get to me now, and I'd like him to consider a more family friendly job where we get every weekend together not just every other. Some months he will even opt to do overtime on one of his weekends off, meaning we only get one weekend a month.

When I discussed this with DH he said "most jobs" will likely involve an element of weekend or early morning / late evening working and that this is norm for "most families". I disagree and think most families probably have at least their weekends together.

Who's correct?

Normal for me and DH for many years now, but not previously to that.

I think it’s perfectly normal..
Myself and DH both work between 8 and 5 Monday to Friday but I actually can’t think of any other couples that we know in the same position.

A good compromise could be for him to stop with the overtime on his weekends off (if financially viable) and on his weekends working, have you got friends or family you could make plans with to make it less lonely?

in this economy, personally I wouldn’t take a job earning less unless I was a start to a dream job with plenty of pay rises ahead.

Quite normal in my world. When my children were small my husband worked nights, I worked days and it helped to reduce childcare hours. Days out were usually me, the kids and my Mum or just me and the kids. It was fine, never thought of it as an issue.
I still work Saturdays and can't see that changing any time soon.

I'm with your DH. YABU. He shouldn't have to give up a job that suits really well for the most part. What if you were a single parent? At least he has some weekends off sometimes. Suck it up buttercup!

I work in public transport and my shifts work on a 24/7 basis. It's hard going but you do get paid quite a hefty premium for it, and often get quite a few days off in a row.

I do some 12s, and earlies, lates with a 9pm finish, and nights. Including some weekends. But because some of my shifts are longer I get more days off than someone working 9-5 Monday to Friday. It has suited us including when kids were young, also meant I could often get to school assemblies, sports days etc. Sometimes it wasn’t so good, working weekends etc! Swings and roundabouts though.

I was guessing this as well!

But the difference is that for you to solve your problem you don’t just need his buy in - you want him to make some pretty major changes in his work life to give you what you need.

He doesn’t feel there is a problem he needs to solve, or that he can’t solve it the way you want - he has therefore shut down the conversation.

If you actually want to resolve matters to your satisfaction I’m afraid it is on you to empathise a bit more and work a little harder here…

You can’t have a healthy adult relationship based on tit for tat. I get that you’re struggling and it’s lonely. But many people here are telling you that you’re in the thick of it right now and that your experience isn’t that uncommon. It won’t feel this way/be this hard forever even if nothing changes at work, because your daughter will be easier as she gets older.

If you want your husband to upend his work life you’re going to make him feel that you see his side and are also pulling your weight in trying to improve things. That way, maybe he will be able to see your side a bit more too. People rarely bend much when they don’t feel heard. That may be where you are right now - you may wish he could hear you better. But it’s clear he can’t/won’t right now, and what you’re asking of him is an absolutely huge deal. I really rarely say this, and there are so many shitty men out there who don’t give a crap about their partners and behave really unreasonably, but you’re living on another planet if you think what you’re asking is soemthing he should just do. People are not just waltzing into well paid jobs all over the place right now - it’s not surprising he is doubtful that he could.

If you’re not careful you’re going to destroy your relationship all by yourself, by refusing to act in a way that is more empathetic towards him and more strategically smart in terms of your end goal. Who is more right isn’t that important - only how you can work together to make life a bit easier.

You need to get a clue. YOU are the one with the ODD hours, most people don't work such an easy work pattern. You should be thinking your self lucky you get every other weekend together I only get one weekend a month off and even then I work till 7pm the night before. Stop being petty and leave your husband alone.

We generally don’t work weekends -apart from my teaching prep/marking. My husband works partly from home avoiding the commute which gives us more evening time. I’m really so grateful for that precious family time which some friends don’t get so much of. Hope your husband can think it over and weigh it up a bit more - considering possibilities doesn’t mean instantly jumping does it? Do you have any friends you can casually hang out with when he’s working? I only have one local friend like that currently but it’s so nice to just join forces when it suits us (her partner works a lot of weekends) and let the children play together without lots of forward planning.

If the concern in changing your NWDs to coincide is really just about fewer special days out, I wouldn't hesitate to take that option.

In my family we've maximised time together (DH 9-5:30 WFH; me SAHP; children home educated). Our holidays are cheap (camping in the UK) and we have one day out for each person's birthday and our wedding anniversary at £40-90 each. The rest of the days out are less than £20 each, and often free except for transport.

But it's so completely worth it. I grew up wealthy so I know what the expensive trips are like, and they were great. But our days out are happier, because we're a really happy family. And we're happy because we have a relaxed schedule with so much time together.

I recognize that it isn't an option for everyone, not even a desire. But I recommend maximizing time together as far as possible!

Could he put in a request for flexible working and see what's offered before looking elsewhere

I hear you OP & I know how lonely it can be solo parenting during weekends. If you have 3 days in a row on your own plus off work how feasible is it to hop on a train with your DD & go visit your family or friends? Or jump in your car? Honestly you need to start building a life on those weekends & factor your DH out of the picture & just crack on I think. I had to do it when my kids were small and it was rubbish at times bt that's life with busy jobs & small children unfortunately. i would feel v jealous of my teacher friends who were were married to other teachers & would have every weekend together as a family plus those long holidays together . Try not to compare your family life to others I'd say. It can just make you feel bitter.

I think it’s so difficult when you don’t have family support nearby.

I envied friends who had mums or sisters living locally, this makes a huge difference imo.

If money is no object I really do think your DH needs to listen to your feelings and look into dropping a weekend (if feasible).

Beware the fallacy of "most jobs" or "it's normal to..." It's not a proper argument.

Whether or not something is normal etc isn't the point. You're allowed to want things that aren't average or normal, based on your needs and feelings. If you want to see more of your husband and have more support and more time together as a family, that's the place to start discussing from, not him distracting you by gesturing at what other people over there do. They're not you. So it's not relevant. Don't let him pull that one on you.

Is it feasible - financially?
Is it something he would enjoy or be happy to do?
What benefits would it bring?

These are all the questions to discuss between you. Not what "most jobs" involve.

You said it’s not about the money and you are not bothered about the money so why not do this instead?

Depends on job. Are you able to discuss changing your job to let him move to a more family friendly job? It sounds like he works very hard and I'm sure would love to work less, is he the main breadwinner or can you share it?

I could’ve written this myself a couple of years ago.
my husbands hours were very similar to this, I was working part time and we had 2 young children. I was exhausted and really needed another parent around every weekend. I understand how mentally draining it is to be alone with young kids while other families are doing fun things together at the weekend and you’re struggling to entertain kids on your own.
He does now have a job that isn’t shifts but he’s had to take a 12k pay cut which was only manageable by me going back to work full time.
we are now a lot happier as a family because we have a better balance. So I would encourage him to find a more “regular” job.
I will say though, be prepared for this to take time and require him to take a pay cut. Also bear in mind people view work differently. My parents were self employed and worked in a school so shift work was/ is alien to me. My husbands parents worked for the NHS and on the railway so he saw no issue with shift work, missing family life and all the parenting falling to one person at a time while they juggled childcare.

We have three kids ages 6 and under.
My husband works shifts that are centred around a 10 day week. It’s such hard work. But the benefit is that our childcare bill is significantly reduced and he’s able to be around more than a lot of parents during the day. Benefits aside, it’s really hard juggling the swimming lessons/birthday parties/nap times, there are things that I wouldn’t contemplate doing on my own (fair ground or similar) because I’d be worried about losing one of them. I’ve recently asked him to try and find a different role within the organisation that might see him with us more on weekends, especially once our youngest school and weekends are more important!

Normal where I work. Very difficult for family life but would struggle to get another job that paid the same so I'm stuck. Sounds like he is the same unless he has just started this job recently? If he has always done it then it's a lot to expect him to change now

My DH is often away, frequently works weekend afternoons and coming home from his office at “the normal time” means about 7:30pm. He doesn’t work shifts, he’s a lawyer. If he’s not away he does the house cleaning, when DC was small he did nursery/school drop offs. I can’t say it really bothers me all that much.

Totally normal. I cringe when people talk like the world works Monday-Friday 9-5. I work extreme hours, my husband works extreme hours (he’ll be home about 2am tonight), my parents worked extreme hours. It’s just the norm. It has its pros; we use minimal childcare as we can work around each other, we’re often off at quiet times so cheaper trips, home Ed has been an easier choice. It also has its cons; nurseries never served our hours, there’s no consistency of routine ie we can’t commit to an activity every Thursday as no guarantee we’d be off.

I can see if one person works routine hours though, it would be harder. There is an advantage of both working odd hours. Why don’t you look for a shift working job too? It’s as reasonable a suggestion as him looking for a Monday-Friday job.

Overall you are correct. However you haven't said what job DH does. There are jobs, such as nursing, a lot of other medical staff, HGV or bus driving and MANY others where this is totally the normal. If he is in this kind of profession, this may be 100% normal. Your points about the negative of his work are totally valid, however if he is in an industry where MOST jobs would expect him to do this, you need to realise the seriousness of what you are saying. "I've told him this is starting to get to me now, and I'd like him to consider a more family friendly job where we get every weekend together not just every other. ". I don't think saying this is wrong. However if my husband said "I'd like you to consider a more family friendly job" - when that meant me giving up a profession/career I loved, and potentially re-training for a less fulfilling job where I had to start at the bottom of the carrier ladder again, I'd be pretty annoyed and feel like he doesn't care much about my happiness or emotional well being. I'm not saying don't do it, but realise the ENORMOUSNESS of what you'd ask your husband to do, and really work through together whether this is fair or good for him.

@stichguru the OP mentioned earlier that her husband works in a field where these shift patterns are very much the norm for many people. It's a field where there would potentially be options that can come up to move sideways into related posts and career tracks, but long hours and periods of time out of contact, as well as overtime (as workplaces are often very tight for staffing), are standard.