To think DH is wrong and this isn't the norm for most families?

[jobstressfedup]

I'm at the end of my tether with DH's job at the moment. It's just not family friendly at all. He works long shifts (often 6am-6pm), nights, and every other weekend. Some shifts even include a 9pm finish. My job is a relatively "normal" 9-5, 4 days a week. Therefore our weekends are all we have as a family.

The hardest part of this is the absence every other weekend. For example this weekend he's worked 6am-6pm both Saturday and Sunday. It's my day off today and he's back working 8-5. I look after our toddler by myself when he's working (no family support nearby). I've told him this is starting to get to me now, and I'd like him to consider a more family friendly job where we get every weekend together not just every other. Some months he will even opt to do overtime on one of his weekends off, meaning we only get one weekend a month.

When I discussed this with DH he said "most jobs" will likely involve an element of weekend or early morning / late evening working and that this is norm for "most families". I disagree and think most families probably have at least their weekends together.

Who's correct?

When my son was a toddler and I was still married I did full time nights and my ex did full time days, both working alternate weekends. We didn't see each other for two years other than in passing. We had to do it, we were skint.
I went onto days after two years and after spending 6 months together we got divorced. I realised I didn't like him very much (at all).
A lot of couples have to do this because they can't afford childcare but need two salaries.

Quite honestly I’d change your nwd to his.
It’s worth £200 a month in the short term if he has a good pension.
You could have one really good day together every week.

My dh worked away a lot, often Mon to Fri when the dc were small. Time has flown and now we’re retired and he has a very good pension.
Never underestimate the benefit of having a comfortable retirement.

What is his job? It's not what's normal for families, it's what's normal for the industry. DH and I both have office hour jobs with no weekend work. He is in a more technical role so less fixed time meetings. I have more meetings that I can't get out of but they are all office hours. We are both very 9 to 5.30 too.

So your situation is not normal for us.

But if your DH is a NHS doctor then it'll be normal, for example.

I’ve grown up in a home with shift workers, then worked shifts myself. It’s fairly common.

my DH looked after the kids whilst I worked away for 3 or 4 days. He hated it.

I wouldn’t have changed though. I loved my job. I struggle with HUGE anxiety so starting a new one would cause me massive issues. Plus compressing my hours into those few days meant I could have 3 - 4 days off at a time.

I had to leave in the end. DH has cancer so I’m at home as his carer now.

My husband works in an office job but it's linked to retail so the office is open long hours for customer support. Therefore my husband does long days ending at 8pm. And it works out that he works 3 weekends in a row then 3 off.

We have 3 children and the weekends he's at work do seem long and monotonous. And evening working in the week means it's hard to get the kids to and from clubs. I have talked to him about looking for a 9-5 Mon-Fri job but he's happy where he is so is not keen to change.

I don't know. There are plenty of blokes who work office hours 9 - 5 and plenty of blokes who work away. Who's to say what's normal?
My DH has had to work away a lot, once for 6 months. We still saw each other every two weeks but it was a weird time. I suppose I just really don't mind. Once the children were past toddler age I found it all very easy. I also quite like having time alone (well I need it). Maybe I'm just weird! However, if you don't like your set up then obviously you need to discuss it. Realistically can he find a job that pays as well as his current job and that he enjoys as much?

How easy would it be for your DH to get another job?

OP says he earns good money, and has no qualifications. The chances of finding another job like that with better working hours are zero.

Could you work full time and your DH take less shifts - that way you increase family time.

Is there such a thing as a family friendly job these days? I have two children with my DP, with a third on the way after a wee fumble at New Year (lol) and he has always worked shifts, a lot of them being unsociable/nights/12 hours and at weekends. We had to make it work as his wage was much bigger than mine while the girls were small, and will need to do the same again when this one comes along. I know it feels tough and lonely, but is he focusing more on earning a decent amount rather than thinking about what's at home?

Most of the families I know have at least one shift worker it makes it easier to arrange childcare. In my husbands pervious job he worked every weekend which was tough. I had to reduce my working hours as it does take its toll.

Not true, there are plenty of office jobs that work on 24/7 shifts covered, many internet related things for a start. Lots of international stuff too these days requiring late nights or early mornings.

When little one is at school this will be great in holidays but not so great term time.

my dh’s hours are similar. It’s hard, my regrets are not just getting on doing things, we wasted so many hours waiting for dh. all I can say is that time does fly and before you know it they are at school so long term thinking is best with any big change.

Fully depends on what type of work he does. My partner works 4 on 4 off, so does 2 days then 2 nights (6am-6pm then 6pm-6am), but is also expected to pick up overtime so is sometimes working 6 days before he has 2 days off and that only falls on a weekend once every 8 weeks, the rest of the time it's during the week when I'm working, the kids are at school and at nursery, so we just make the most of the time we do get together. It's not the most ideal situation in the world, but we're making do at the moment :)

Its difficult if he has no qualifications and this job pays well and has a good pension. He may be right that there aren't many other avenues he can look at.

If it is physically demanding he does need to consider that this will get difficult as he ages. I know a man in his 40s in a physical job and he was just exhausted, saying is job was really a young man's game, but he had no idea what else he could do. He felt really stuck.

That’s just not correct. People with professional jobs very frequently work late in the evening and at weekends - that’s just expected when things are busy.

YANBU

He doesn’t want to spend time with you

thats the issue here

The idea of 9-5 isn't one that common. My role is 9-5 but i do have manage once a month for a full weekend. DP owns a business however that can and does impact either via actually physically or some problem to deal with out of normal hrs. I do have to tell him to turn his phone off, he's knows it's a compulsion.

That's so hard OP. I was in a similar position with my now ex DP many years ago. They were a Police Officer and often took on more shifts. I was so lonely and hated only having one weekend in three with them. They also found it hard to talk to me about what they went through at work. Scary shit mostly. I think it was a way of protecting me. The relationship couldn't survive and we drifted apart. I guess I'm trying to say, don't let your DH underestimate the gravity of saying yes to those tempting offers of weekend overtime shifts.

My husband worked Friday- Mondays all year every year when our children were young and I worked non- Friday full time. I had the kids every weekend on my own. It brought the money in so we both just got on with it.

As I read your story I feel like I'm reading my own! I am in a very similar situation with 2 days on / 2 days off shift worker in hospitality. It's awful on weekends and days where there's family events and I feel like a single mum and can't enjoy them anyway as I'm running around after my toddler while every other couple there take turns watching their child while the other socialises. Sorry I can't say what's worked as we are currently having the same disagreement. I'm also conscious if I push im him into something he doesn't want to do he could resent me. For now Im trying to make the most of the time with my DC and accept his choice, while I keep reminding him it's not ok for me and I'm not happy. I came across a post on Instagram about the stresses of parenting with a shift worker ajd was amazed - it had about 26K likes and thousands of comments. It really made me feel validated in my position and that I wasn't the only one struggling. If I can find the post I'll share a link here.

Was he doing this before your child?

Did you discuss what working/family life might best look like?

Is he driven to earn as this is his way of caring and providing?

He's right it's normal! I have to work every Saturday, one evening and I can be out of the house for 14 hours at a time with my commute. H does a 9 to 5 but even he sometimes needs to work or go in on bank hols and weekends depending on deadlines.

We chose to make it work. The money funds our lives and leisure. The children are loved, cared for and we maximise the time we do have as family.

I chose to look at our situation while tricky is a benefit to the family. I want to be able to pay off my mortgage, have a decent pension and retire early, send the kids to uni and help them financially if we are fortunate enough to do so. With that something unfortunately has to give.

To your dc, this is normal to them. They will adapt to the rhythms that you set as parents and a family.

Enjoy what you have and try to stop mourning for a lifestyle that you don't have. Try to be positive about it. There's many who partners don't work, can't work or who lack ambition. Your dh sounds like a great guy.

I think you are not unreasonable to want family time, but maybe a bit unrealistic that DH can find a 9-5 job with weekends off, that pays as well. Financial security is obviously important to him, and he may not be happy taking a pay cut to get in on the bottom rung of another career path

I think you need to sit down together and make a budget. What do you NEED to live. How do you work to meet your needs? How much do you want for extras like holidays. How much do you each need to work to get that?

i don’t know why he is working all the hours god sends when you could simply work an extra 9-5 one day a week?

what’s his motivation for working so much? Does he feel the need to compete with you earnings wise? Are you saving for a particular goal such as a new home, renovations, kids uni?

remember men are socialised to be « providers » financially and (rightly or wrongly) will often assume that responsibility, despite being with a high earning partner.

My husband works weekends. It's quite lonely because most families are having family time, so friends aren't usually up for meeting up. It is what it is.