To think DH is wrong and this isn't the norm for most families?

[jobstressfedup]

I'm at the end of my tether with DH's job at the moment. It's just not family friendly at all. He works long shifts (often 6am-6pm), nights, and every other weekend. Some shifts even include a 9pm finish. My job is a relatively "normal" 9-5, 4 days a week. Therefore our weekends are all we have as a family.

The hardest part of this is the absence every other weekend. For example this weekend he's worked 6am-6pm both Saturday and Sunday. It's my day off today and he's back working 8-5. I look after our toddler by myself when he's working (no family support nearby). I've told him this is starting to get to me now, and I'd like him to consider a more family friendly job where we get every weekend together not just every other. Some months he will even opt to do overtime on one of his weekends off, meaning we only get one weekend a month.

When I discussed this with DH he said "most jobs" will likely involve an element of weekend or early morning / late evening working and that this is norm for "most families". I disagree and think most families probably have at least their weekends together.

Who's correct?

We both work shifts in my house. I’m a nurse and my husband is in hospitality. I work 2 (long) days he works 45hrs per week. It works for childcare, we’ve saved a small fortune over the years. I’ve felt lonely at times and understand days on the bounce solo parenting are tough, like Groundhog Day.

We now agree a weekend a month on average now that we both don’t work and do something as a family. We have a shared calendar (we use TimeTree) that we put our shifts in alongside ‘family day’ or ‘appointments’ so we both know not to book overtime because of family commitments. I also write in hairdressers/night out etc so we know we are on ‘parent duties’ that day.

Shift work tends to be very lucrative financially compared to 9-5 jobs. My husband earns >£60k doing this role, but more £35k 9-5. Him doing this means I can stay 2 shifts per week, which at present is great.

Communicating better meant we found a status quo with us both working shifts. We have planned quality time together and a really good quality of life. There’s times I have to grit my teeth but there are more benefits for us than negatives.

Also, clubs that encroach on entire weekends unfortunately are a no no for our children. They both dance and play tennis but practice is minimised to week days and 30 mins on a Saturday morning. Just a tip for future reference!

Depends on the type of jobs you do. DH has never worked weekends because of the type of work he does. I’ve worked for the NHS for the last 16 years which involved shift work and weekends. However DH does coach football so a lot of our weekends are taken up with that!

I have not all the comments. However, if he currently works in the prison service, he may be able to train as probation officer. Alternatively, he can consider another type of support role. This may result a drop income. If does re-train or get another job, it may result in a drop income temporarily or long term. Are you able to manage this? Do you think he mind you were the breadwinner? Do you mind being the breadwinner? The current situation may not be ideal, but is important to be pragmatic and realistic about what is possible.

@jobstressfedup you are unrealistic and naive.

your dh is not wrong.

op, be careful what you wish for.

he 'luxury' you are demanding or feeling you deserve should have been decided before you coupled up with this man. or, be financially secure as a family to have the 'family time' you want.

please welcome to the real world!

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. It is a pretty normal situation for a lot of families, but that doesn't necessarily make it easier when you're the one feeling lonely.

Is there any compromise within his current role? Does he have to work the whole weekend?

My DP works one Saturday a month and I quite like having it all to myself, it’s become a
little bit of a novelty. I don’t see it as sucking away family time

No compromise. Typical weekend would be 7.30am-6pm both days, every other weekend.

What? Sorry but I genuinely don't understand this post. And I find "welcome to the real world" to be incredibly patronising at best.

@Lifebeganat50
Excuse me? Why are you resorting to name calling and getting so angry about an anonymous stranger's life? 😳

Yeah I guess we are both feeling quite stuck and fed up at the moment.

I'm sorry you're feeling it too. It's shit isn't it.

I do sympathise with how shit it can feel

DH and I went through a phase where we never had a day off together unless one of us booked annual leave. It was really hard and we don't even have children, so I can only imagine how tough it is basically feeling like a solo parent a lot of the time.

I agree with PP who said to maybe move your day off so that you're not doing three days straight of solo parenting all the time - and working Mondays generally works out better in terms of Bank Holidays too!

I’m not angry and it was your behaviour I was describing as brattish

oh, so you understood every word. your response here = to you stepping into the real world. so welcome and enjoy.

no, I made different choices from the beginning so not to end up feeling 'shitty' as you say you feel. there.

@jobstressfedup my husband does shifts too so I understand how you feel but it gets easier when kids go to school.
Mine are older now and I quite enjoy my own time.

@Lifebeganat50
And your name calling was deleted so I I'll be disengaging from you from here, thanks 👍🏻

@ForgivenessHope
Eh?? Not a fucking scooby doo what you're on about, genuinely 😂

Hopefully it gets easier for us too then! 🤞🏻

Thank you to those who've taken the time to reply to this thread in a constructive and compassionate manner, it's much appreciated.

I'm bowing out now as, amongst the helpful replies there's also many unnecessarily unpleasant (and downright odd in some cases 😳) replies, for which I have neither the time nor the energy.

Thanks again for those who've at least tried to help, it hasn't gone unnoticed!

My DH has worked 12 hour shifts with a rotating pattern including weekends since we met 23 years ago. It was hard when our children were younger but it pays well and he prefers it to 9-5 which he did for a brief period. We did find advantages such as him being able to cover some school pickups and school holidays on his days off which really helped. I do also enjoy evenings to myself. We make the most of it when we do have time together. If it's his career choice you need to make it work I think.

I used to work weekends, bank holidays the lot and this worked well when we first had our Daughter as I condensed my hours into 3 full 13 hour days. I changed industries when out Daughter was about to start school since then I have changed roles and companies but all Mon-Fri 9-5 flexitime. For me our Daughter was and is the most important thing and having weekends together is so important. My OH works Mon-Fri and because I now earn more it means he no longer has to do call out or work weekends although he has recently started doing one late night a week it is only because it works for us and the extra money is worth it. 100% family comes first.

I must admit I'm struggling to understand what you want op. You don't want to move your day off or increase your working hours due to it not being profitable enough yet you want your dh to move jobs despite knowing it will come with a massive pay decrease. It seems you aren't willing to accept anything except your dh having to leave the well paid job that he loves. If my dh did that, I definitely would be having 2nd thoughts about my marriage.

I find it really sad that you feel 'burnout' from looking after your DC 'solo'. I work lots of weekends, dh has no issue being on his own with the DC, neither do I when I'm then off on weekdays.

I find my shifts exhausting. Chilling with our children is definitely not exhausting, I love my days off. I would imagine your dh feels the same way hence his response of it being normal.

This was exactly my position that I found myself in for many years during the beginning of our relationship and for the first few years after our girls were born. It was hard, hard going and unless you’ve been in it, people really don’t get it. My other half worked for the police - 4 days on/off but most weekends and also did a lot of overtime, so I would spend many a weekend alone. Plus night shifts and 16 hour days. Luckily he transferred to a desk job that allowed him more stability, plus I increased my hours, so the onus wasn’t on him to do as much overtime. But he too is a grafter - will chase the money and also has a second job to because he hates sitting at a desk all day. All I can say is it might not be this way forever - he needs to book some
annual leave, make some plans and cut down on the OT.