To think DH is wrong and this isn't the norm for most families?

[jobstressfedup]

I'm at the end of my tether with DH's job at the moment. It's just not family friendly at all. He works long shifts (often 6am-6pm), nights, and every other weekend. Some shifts even include a 9pm finish. My job is a relatively "normal" 9-5, 4 days a week. Therefore our weekends are all we have as a family.

The hardest part of this is the absence every other weekend. For example this weekend he's worked 6am-6pm both Saturday and Sunday. It's my day off today and he's back working 8-5. I look after our toddler by myself when he's working (no family support nearby). I've told him this is starting to get to me now, and I'd like him to consider a more family friendly job where we get every weekend together not just every other. Some months he will even opt to do overtime on one of his weekends off, meaning we only get one weekend a month.

When I discussed this with DH he said "most jobs" will likely involve an element of weekend or early morning / late evening working and that this is norm for "most families". I disagree and think most families probably have at least their weekends together.

Who's correct?

It’s the norm for us.

I think you sound quite unreasonable, sorry.

In my family it's normal. My husband drives freight trains and has a varied rosta, sometimes starting 5am and sometimes 4pm, often doing 14 hours (if you include travelling to and from work, 45 mins each way,) and he does some weekends. My friend was married to a soldier and he was away for months on end sometimes

Yes but it was obviously impossible for either of us to know pre child what the reality would feel like. Parenting alone every other weekend is really exhausting. It wasn't so bad with a baby, but now DD is an active energetic toddler, it's a lot and I'm finding it draining and also very lonely.

Personally it is the norm for us. Right now we have weekends together as i'm on maternity however when I go back to work, we are "ships in the night". It's the only way we would survive financially

I am a lone parent working full time and never worked evenings or weekends in my life. I work 9-5 Monday to Friday. I suppose it depends on the job. I'm not particularly well paid, I can imagine more senior jobs require more work outside office hours.

It's not 'the norm' but it's common enough to be unremarkable.

However, as you're struggling, I'd start with the less drastic option of discussing him dialling down the overtime. That might make things easier on you without him needing to make a huge life change that he doesn't want.

I can see why you're knackered because, assuming you have your DC on the weekday you're off, you never get much of a break.

I think you need to work on a solution together rather than just demanding he changes jobs. What people on MN do is completely irrelevant. Of course there are jobs that don’t involve weekends but if he’s not qualified for them, that’s not much good.

In my family it has always been normal. When I was young my dad worked shifts including nights, weekends, long days and Christmas etc. My mum worked bank roles meaning she could book her shifts round my dads, so basically when he wasn't working she was largely. Days to do something as a family were booked in the diary to make sure everyone was off.
My first job out of school was in a shop so 9-5 but then I worked shifts for about 15 years. I now only work 2 days of 9-4 as we have a toddler. My partner works shifts including 12hr days, nights, early starts and Christmas etc. We just work round it to do stuff together.
He does OT time but does always ask me first and I do try to make sure we still get some family time.
Until recently he worked mon- Fri 8-4 so I have had to get my head away from the idea that family time has to be at the weekend and can be any day he is off- do you ever have time off at the same time during the week?
Maybe compromise on no OT at the weekend if that's your family time?

@Daffnee
I haven't demanded, just to be clear. Just tried to open up a discussion about it and he's pretty much shut it down instantly.

It depends how much you want to sustain your relationship….we’re still hanging in, but I’ll admit I'm at an age and stage in my life where I’ve had enough of working shifts and weekends, but it was the best way for us to manage it when the kids were young

@Vod
That's it. I have our toddler every other weekend plus my day off (Monday) by myself, so 3 days every other weekend of solo parenting. It can feel very draining and lonely. Then the in between weekends DH is home and will encourage me to have time for myself etc, so I will go to the gym or to the shops alone or get my hair done or whatever, but the point is, I don't really want to split my time in that way, ie, either parenting alone or by myself having "me time". I want the family aspect too.

My DH has the career he wanted as a child. I don’t think our lifestyle is the norm, as most families we know do have evenings and weekends together. But what you’ve described is very normal for us. Our children, ages 15 and 11, have grown up with him largely absent in evenings and on weekends, plus regular weeks away. Not only is it sad in some respects, but it’s also been bloody hard at times, particularly when the children were very young. However, he goes to work enthusiastic and happy every day, and we’ve been mostly financially comfortable (had some tough times too). There’s a lot to be said for the mental wellbeing which comes from doing what you love, that you can’t put a price on.

I would be very hesitant to change jobs just at the moment. If he is stable in his employment, then I would ride out the storm. If he changes jobs now, he could well end up in a 'last in, first out' situation. Then you'd have a lot more free time together but not in the way you are hoping for.

If he is hard working, and doing what is necessary to keep his job, I would leave well alone for the moment. Perhaps have a read of some of the threads complaining about wastoid husbands who don't want to work.

You should also probably consider what you will fo if and when he is unable to do this physical work. Manual workers often struggle as they get older, is there a natural route into less physical work in the industry?

Mr Monkey works in retail so frequently works weekends and evenings. I have a standard office job but I do sometimes have to work over the weekend and often do not finish til 7pm or later during the week.

We grew up with it as the norm though as my parents were farmers and his ran pubs.

How old is he? I expect if the role is very physical he's likely to need a career change at some point in his working life anyway, has he given that any thought? Or maybe it's one of the ones with a superb pension.

DH works in 24h manufacturing doing 12h shifts day and night, often weekends. The difference is that he gets a lot of time off and when he's home, he's very hands on.

My partner works away and I solo parent for weeks at a time. It’s tough and the weekends are always the toughest for me. There’s just no structure to them like we have on weekdays. Also no toddler classes/groups and while some of my friends do have partners who work weekends there’s normally more family life going on and less availability for play dates. It’s really hard for my partner to change roles though as the money he earns is good. He’s applied to be a train driver which will be long hours and shifts and weekend work still but not a huge drop in wage overall and not so away.

He's 40 this year. It does have a good pension yes.

Yes sadly it is. My mum worked for the emergency services so did lots of shift work and weekends - it’s part of the package. Lots of jobs do involve these hours and this kind of work. You say he should find a more family friendly job but this is the way of life for a lot of people.

Normal in this house. We make it work to our advantage to minimise childcare now our kids are both in school.

He used to only get 1 weekend in 6 off. Now he's more senior I get to see him every other weekend!

Before the kids were in school he was a SAHD

Well his career is important to both of you and his choice ultimately. You spend a lot of time at work and if he’s happy in his role that’s important and if he sees a future to progress. He’s maximising his earning potential for his family, I would value that too. Yes money isn’t everything but unless you are very wealthy then I can understand why he would want to do OT and save a cushion for when your costs increase. I find children much more expensive as they get older and you may want to move/upgrade home etc. He’ll have time off during the week presumably if he works weekends and then he will be with your children on his own.

Is he responding to financial need?

Do you bring in enough between you to cover mortgage and bills or do you have a healthy amount left over each month?

Are you due to move from a low fixed rate mortgage to a much higher one shortly? Is he saving for something specific - house deposit? Private school? New car?

There are some jobs where people are away for 3-6 months at a time. I'm a single mum and I've covered every day of the year since ds was 2. People cope. You knew how he worked before you had a baby, so I can see why he is reluctant to jack in a job he obviously enjoys, is good at and presumably, being public sector, has a good pension.

Easy to say "get another job" but the reality is that a job that you enjoy, in a role that fulfils you, with colleagues you like, which is stable and well-paid, is something you hold on to at any cost.

My job often involves weekend and evening work sometimes but it's also pretty much a dream role in a dream industry. I wouldn't switch to a 9-to-5 that makes me miserable for anything.

(Also obviously weekend work is normal? Who do you think keeps society running on Saturdays and Sundays?)

My DH used to work a lot of weekends, shifts. I, and most of our friends, had Monday to Friday jobs so he missed out on a lot of social things at weekends.

Just before we had kids he went back to college for a year in order to change direction (same industry).
We both knew we didn't want the long term of little time together, particularly once we had a family.
But we made the decision together, planned it and financed it.
Best decision we ever made as he now has a better paying job 9- 5.30 Monday to Friday with flexitime