To think DH is wrong and this isn't the norm for most families?

[jobstressfedup]

I'm at the end of my tether with DH's job at the moment. It's just not family friendly at all. He works long shifts (often 6am-6pm), nights, and every other weekend. Some shifts even include a 9pm finish. My job is a relatively "normal" 9-5, 4 days a week. Therefore our weekends are all we have as a family.

The hardest part of this is the absence every other weekend. For example this weekend he's worked 6am-6pm both Saturday and Sunday. It's my day off today and he's back working 8-5. I look after our toddler by myself when he's working (no family support nearby). I've told him this is starting to get to me now, and I'd like him to consider a more family friendly job where we get every weekend together not just every other. Some months he will even opt to do overtime on one of his weekends off, meaning we only get one weekend a month.

When I discussed this with DH he said "most jobs" will likely involve an element of weekend or early morning / late evening working and that this is norm for "most families". I disagree and think most families probably have at least their weekends together.

Who's correct?

Scarletttulips i think she wants time with him as a family, not time to herself.

The only way thats achievable is for him to accept working less.

I didn't know anyone who had a standard 9-5, 5 day week. Many of my friends are self employed, work away a lot. So completely away Monday through Friday, often work weekends although from home.

Well OP says her daughter has started asking for him at the weekends so she's already noticing and wondering why he isn't there.

This sounds hard but assuming your toddler is NT it will get easier and easier to be with them - by age 4 ImE they are delightful company. The toddler years are utterly wearying.

I agree with moving your day off to break up the week a bit. Or can you go and stay with family Sat and Sun? Whilst I found it hard work in some ways being away from home, the break and the adult company of my parents was always a welcome relief and fun for my toddler.

Also make sure your dh isn’t getting away with doing no housework - you are working AND parenting and if you’re also doing all the housework and shopping and admin and cooking that is probably more total hours of effort than his paid labour. Which would explain why you’re finding the three days off work so frazzling!

I'd be wary of changing jobs unless it was into a sector that isn't giving out redundancies etc. All of my friendship group 45+ have struggled to find equivalent wages to what we were previously earning, even those with professional qualifications. Think about how your life will look when your DD is at school. A day off to take out a child in the school holidays when things are a bit quieter is great. You need to make it clear that for now the overtime stops. These younger years go quickly and although they can be hard work, toddlers can be great.

That sounds insane, is he just taking on a lot of overtime? It sounds like a job and a half!

I'd be careful about having another baby if he's refusing to support you or spend time together as a family.

I lived in a bubble of friends who worked in the same 9-5 profession until I had my children. Of my mum friends I was the only one who's partner was home by early evening and had all his weekends free. Most of my mum friends had husbands who worked away a lot, or were self employed and had to chase and do every single bit of work that came their way because they didn't have the security of a contract.

I realised how lucky I was. My DD 's family life is as far away from mine as it could be, and through no fault of their own. She finds it really tough, as does her DH.

I have generally worked in office jobs, as has DH, so no weekends. But you must know that weekend work is normal for many people; retail, hospitality, healthcare, emergency services etc.

That seems like the underlying problem here. The attitude that he gets to decide unilaterally.

If he does this again, you need to have pre-existing plans that require him to sort childcare for the overtime. At the moment he isn't feeling the consequences of his actions.

Assuming he works on the railway. If so he'd be a fool to leave.

Yes this is the hardest part tbh. My answer to "where's Dadda?" was always, "daddy's at work, we'll see him later". That used to suffice but now it's tears and "nooo! I want Dadda! Why Dadda at work?" Etc. ☹️

It’s the norm for people in my rural area. Most husbands/partners are either farmers, have their own business requiring at least 6 days work, or have a mon-fri job and farm part-time.

No he doesn't.

I have a similar set up with 2 pre school dc, and I'm fine with it. Although, I don't really like family time too much so maybe that is proving your point. Even though I love dc and enjoy time with them, and my DH and I get on well, hanging out the four of us on the weekend or going for a "family day out" is rarely enjoyable.

It depends completely on your family, life and expectations. When we got married we were very financially precarious and decided one of us would take unsocial hours job for the money and the other office hours for the kids. Its still like this more than a decade on. I can see people around us not understanding how we manage with hours similar to yours, except 10pm finish is the norm and 3am at weekends, only 1 weekend off a month, but it works for us and fits in with our needs. You need to decide together, but he might be right in that you can't have your cake and eat it too. If he loses the extra income by swopping jobs you need to be sure thats what you all want and can afford.

He wouldn’t be able to do that job without using the labour of a woman.

i work in public sector which is 24/7 service and the frequency of nights /weekends is no where near every other one. He needs to swap or your need to get childcare paid for.

YANBU.

I don’t think this is an argument about what is “normal”. Both scenarios are normal. (In plenty of families one parent works at the weekend, in plenty of families they don’t).
The question is- what are the options for your family, and what do you both want? It’s totally understandable that you want your DP around more at weekends, but you have to balance that against his career/ money etc. what other jobs could he do? Etc.

@jobstressfedup
Ah, ok.
It's just good money for some jobs despite no formal qualifications

If he's not qualified it might be hard for him to get another job earning as much anywhere else. He's trying to earn more money for his family. I'd be grateful if I was you.

OP do you have any suggestions for other jobs he would be qualified to apply for that bring in a similar income but without the unsociable hours? My DH also works 6-6 shifts (days and nights) and at least 2 out of 4 weekends. It’s tough and I can’t imagine how it would feel if he had been doing it when I still had young children.

However, I agree with him that there aren’t many opportunities to earn a good salary without many qualifications, unless you work unsocial hours in our area- maybe it’s different where you live. The only other option here would be to retrain which is often very expensive and involves years of being on a very low income. If you find out about any good opportunities he would probably be open to looking at them but your DH can’t just leave his job if there’s nothing else he could do which would support a family.

Could you look at training in something which would earn well so that he can take an income drop and work a job with normal hours in the next few years?

@Blueberry40
I am already trained in something that earns well, I spent years studying for my career, I have a PhD that qualifies me for my specific field. I'm on good money already. On paper I far out-earn DH but my reduced hours means I take home less and his increased overtime means he often takes home way more than me.

Just chiming in, my husband is a Railway Engineer I'm a Nurse. We have five children ranging from 16 to 7 months. My husband works 40+ hours a week. They tend to be all over the place. Sometimes he starts at 4 in the morning and doesn't finish until 6 at night. Sometimes he's home in time for the school run. I'll be starting back work in a few weeks and we may work opposite shifts we may even both work weekends. We believe that it's not quantity but quality. That hour before bedtime where we can read as a family or have a cuppa and talk about our days. We try to make it as special as possible. We do occasionally have our weekends together and we plan something as a family. I know it's hard but put your heads together get a disused jar and each put in things you would like to do and every time he is off pick one out and make a morning or afternoon of it. Just gently remind him that this time is precious, it goes so fast but you understand he has to work but it's about making time as a couple and as a family. ❤️❤️❤️

I don’t think MOST families are like this but certainly LOTS are.

It seems daft to not even consider looking for something with better hours, he won’t know unless he looks.

I guess whether working on the weekends and public holidays is the norm depends on the job. Working during those days on a regular basis is normal for many types of jobs but, equally, there are many jobs in which people don't work on the weekends or public holidays at all. Whether this problem is easy to solve, I guess, depends on how easy it is to switch to a different type of job while ensuring that you don't suffer financially and emotionally as a result.

Too me it depends what the numbers are looking like and what you are willing to sacrifice to have your weekends together. So, for example, if a job with more sensible hours paid 1/2 to 2/3 of what he earns now does the drop in income work, or does it outweight the desire for him to be home more.
Similarly as you have higher earning potenital, would you be happy to go back to work full time in order to make up any difference in earnings, and him possiblly do reduced hours as he is the lower earner?