To think DH is wrong and this isn't the norm for most families?

[jobstressfedup]

I'm at the end of my tether with DH's job at the moment. It's just not family friendly at all. He works long shifts (often 6am-6pm), nights, and every other weekend. Some shifts even include a 9pm finish. My job is a relatively "normal" 9-5, 4 days a week. Therefore our weekends are all we have as a family.

The hardest part of this is the absence every other weekend. For example this weekend he's worked 6am-6pm both Saturday and Sunday. It's my day off today and he's back working 8-5. I look after our toddler by myself when he's working (no family support nearby). I've told him this is starting to get to me now, and I'd like him to consider a more family friendly job where we get every weekend together not just every other. Some months he will even opt to do overtime on one of his weekends off, meaning we only get one weekend a month.

When I discussed this with DH he said "most jobs" will likely involve an element of weekend or early morning / late evening working and that this is norm for "most families". I disagree and think most families probably have at least their weekends together.

Who's correct?

Sorry but I think you are being unreasonable

Does he earn more than you? Does his salary enable you to work a 4 day week? Maybe he feels the pressure financially and starting again at 40 in a new career isn't that easy and he may not have the confidence to do so

Its not like he is working every weekend and you say he gives you time to yourself when he is home

Only in the same way that her contributions enable him to work the unsociable hours for the better money. He’s not doing her a favour.

I would say the solution is to sit down and put together a long-term plan. Where does your husband see his career in 5 years' time or 10 years' time; does he have goals beyond his current role? What does the "next level" look like in his industry and does he want to get there? Or does he want to step back from the career ladder? What would those things look like in terms of hours?

It's unreasonable to just tell him to get a new job right now but working bit by bit towards a long-term plan will feel more achievable, and like you're both on the same page.

He doesn't earn more than me on paper, no. My FTE salary is double his. However, my part time hours combined with his excessive amounts of overtime mean that in practice, he takes home a lot more some months than I do.

This might be an unpopular opinion…..

But I salute your DH. He sounds a grafter and a man who works hard & wants to support his family.

So much better than someone sponging off the state who thinks the world should give them a living.

I guess it he should at least agree it's not the most common set up and that it's difficult for you

and you would agree that it is nevertheless quite common ( 73% of jobs don't need evening or nights , so having at least one of the two of you being nights isn't that rare either)

Working such a pattern is likely to be bad for his health and I suspect that means he doesn't really have the energy to think about other jobs - it will seem too daunting

And the job situation isn't great at the moment either so it won't be easy

The thing to focus on I would suggest is the overtime - why it would be more valuable to you to have not the money - and find out why he thinks the money is useful ( for example he may be feared he can't keep this up for long and is worried about becoming unemployed - concerns that are easy to understand)

I guess the problem is it's hard to talk when you are both shattered

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to ask him to just take a look at job ads and see what else might be out there.

However be prepared that in reality he may be right that he will struggle to get something that works as well financially without the weekends.

If he is doing weekend shifts then presumably he has some days off in the week? Does that mean you save on childcare or is it random and you’re commited to childcare those days anyway?

When our DC were young, DH and I were like ships that passed in the night. We tended to work opposite shifts to cover childcare. We only took one week holiday together a year - the rest was taken individually again to cover childcare/school holidays. Growing up my dad did very anti social shifts as that’s where the money was (factory worker so not making mega bucks but needed the additional payments from anti social shifts).

@jobstressfedup - there are hundreds of threads on here every week where people are struggling to cover child care for their DC as parents are both working “normal / office type hours”. Where does your family sit on wrt that? Could you cover childcare if you both worked similar hours? Would weekends be fun or would you spend the time shopping, catching up with chores etc (with DC in tow)? Would your DH lose money and could you afford this? If you did lose money, could you still afford a holiday, to do things on your “family weekend”?

There really isn’t a “normal”. Families just need to do what they need to do to get through the difficult early years. I understand how you feel but I think you are maybe romanticising family weekends if I’m honest.

He is a grafter and I understand that this is an admirable and important quality in a man. However, he gets very tunnel visioned about this and almost acts as though his only value to the family is measured in the £££ he brings home. This is simply not true. We love him and we want him home because we enjoy his company, we want him to be a proper part of the family and enjoy the same things we do. Even DD (almost 3) has started to notice his regular absence and asks for him repeatedly on weekends now. 😕

Unhelpful

There is a whole raft of options between sponging off the state and neglecting your family and the thing called work life balance is important because only governments care if you give everything to work till you die

Could you afford for him to stop doing the overtime? Would it have a significant impact to family finances?

I know DS GF parents worked opposite shifts for years to save on childcare, it was hard for them. But it meant they could move from their really rough neighbourhood to a nice one.

DH and I worked regular hours but the amount of hours worked at home has been crazy at times.

If the job has a defined benefits pension then it’s worth holding on to.

Yes of course it’s very common, many many jobs require this, heath care, hospitality, factory, emergency services, retail, security, public transport, taxi etc. My husband and I both have nine to five’s, but also travel for work and have regular and multiple nights away

your husband is right and I’m really surprised anyone would think otherwise.

if his role is more on the manual labour side, then clearly his concern is finding another secure role that pays as he is paid.

Yes he has a fixed day off in the week (opposite to my day off), when I'm at work, and vice versa for me. So we have opposite days off with DD. The other 3 week days when we both work she's at nursery.

One of his suggestions actually was to move my NWD to the same as his, to give us a family day mid week, but this obviously would have nursery cost implications as my day off (today) saves us over £200 a month on extra nursery days.

And I fear he'd be doing more OT to pay for me losing my NWD 🤦🏼‍♀️

Could you afford it?

How far in advance does he get his rota? If you have a month I’d sit down with him and an actual paper calendar and mark it up with his work, your work, time you solo parent, time you relax, time he relaxes and family time so he can see the balance visually. I’d use that to negotiate him cutting out the overtime for a while.
i think working EOW is pretty common, but if you’re not struggling financially then volunteering for more weekends is tipping the balance too far.

So swap. You work FT and he doesn’t do so much overtime.

When you have young kids, you just have to find what works for you, there’s always compromise, no one can have it all

You’re actually being REALLY unreasonable

@jobstressfedup can you switch your day off to like Wednesday at least as an interim measure, so you've not got 3 days on the bounce of solo parenting? I worked 3 days when dc were small, had the option of Monday to Wednesday and a long weekend each week, but actually it worked out much better working Mon, Wed, Fri because it wasn't so full on with dc.

Your child will be at school before you know it -

To be honest you either value the money £200 extra in nursery or you value your family time - which is it?

You have a solution, you can pay for the help or carry on as you are.

But presumably the OT he currently does is a lot more than £200/month so if it’s a choice between swapping your day and him not doing OT then swapping has the less financial impact?

If you're the higher earner, surely you go back to work FT (one less day of solo parenting) and he can cut back his over time (more family time).

Its not uncommon, but I understand the pain. My husband works in hospitality so lots of late nights and weekends, and I do find it hard sometimes doing so many bedtimes on my own. It’s much easier with backup! The flip side though is that he’s nearly always around to do the school run in the morning

I remember being in this lonely situation when my children were in the baby/toddler phases, may aswell of been a single parent with an added persons washing to do. It was hard! I remember the same conversation with my dp, he did look for other work but around here (without a car) theres just miles of industrial estates, with a couple shops here and there so choices were slim. Mon-fri warehouse work didnt pay enough as shift allowance and overtime saturdays kept us afloat and payed for me to take the kids places during the day. It is lonely and alot of people dont realise how hard it can be living with a shift worker, you just need 20 minutes adult conversation and they need a 20 min nap, you need help bathing the kids, they need to get ready to leave for the night. I get it OP, hang in there, now my kids are older and easier to parent i look forward to the nights i get the bed to myself, the chilled saturday mornings with a cuppa in peace because the kids are still in bed. You are not alone OP.