To desperately want to work part time but hate that I can’t

[HolyGuacamole28]

I have 2 DDs, 2 and 4. I’ve worked full time since both were 10 months, use a nursery. DH also works FT. I’m the breadwinner, earn alot more than H. I have to work full time to afford our lives. H is self employed and earns little. I’m burnt out, stressed, not performing at work and fed up. I do most of the early mornings and kid/house admin. I just work and then it’s kids (bedtimes are awful all round) no time for me. Can’t even find time for a hair cut. I’d love to work part time but it’s a fairy tale. Anyone been there to give me hope?

If you’re the breadwinner, your job should be the priority.

I do most of the early mornings and kid/house admin
Oh Lord. Just no.

I’m part time and DH has always been the breadwinner. I’d never expect him to do the hours he does and then take on the early mornings or bedtimes, it just wouldn’t work.

This isn’t sustainable OP.

To be fair, when I met my husband, his business earned more. Covid hit him hard and it’s been a struggle. The driving thing is annoying but he’s been taking lessons for years. Just needs to pass. I honestly didn’t expect to be in this situation whereby I’m wishing to have a better balance but MN is so unsympathetic I should just get on with it. And in terms of ‘’marrying well’ that doesn’t mean money. It means a partnership and frankly someone who can provide when a family comes along. Options are better than no choice

op i was responding to @SenQuestion

can you partner also not clean and cook?

so out of last three 4 years… you’ve spent 20 months on maternity leave. Did he at least financially support then?

How much does your DH do around the house? Sounds like he doesn't drive and doesn't bring in much money, so is there much point in him if he's not pulling his weight around the house?

Are you effectively a single mum who is facilitating his 'vanity' self employment? Should he consider going part time to give you some breathing space?

* I honestly didn’t expect to be in this situation whereby I’m wishing to have a better balance but MN is so unsympathetic I should just get on with it. *

you pretty much said the same on your other thread about money and your dh

So how long has he had his business? The righteousness of posters saying he should pack in a business he’s possibly put his life into - which as it turns out had been doing fine until Covid… calling his work a ‘hobby’ is so insulting

his wife is on her knees. quite seriously depressed i suspect.

I’m sure he’s also depressed if his business has been going down the pan since Covid.

I in no way support him in terms of pulling his weight. I just think the audacity of people saying ‘he needs to give up his hobby and get a real job’ is outrageous

If his work isn't profitable and isn't benefitting the family by him doing a huge chunk of admin/childcare/housecstuff. Then I'd be expecting him to find a job that was profitable

who does the child are on the 5th day?

The driving thing is annoying

and as they grow older…. this will become a damn sight more annoying

yes. perhaps he is. but the difference is…. he is in a job he loves so for a big part of his day… he’s happy

Why is it taking him so long to pass his driving test?

I honestly didn’t expect to be in this situation whereby I’m wishing to have a better balance but MN is so unsympathetic I should just get on with it.

Now that's annoying,, OP. You have everyone on this thread actively on your side, supporting you and you dismiss everybody as unsympathetic?

I take back my previous post; carry on as you are, with a husband pottering along through his days and not giving a shit that you're at the end of your tether. Your children deserve better though and when they're older, they will remember how frazzled you were.

@HolyGuacamole28 if, just for a minute, you revaluated what was or wasn’t making you happy, what would change? Hypothetically, could you move to a cheaper area, reduce your mortgage, give up your city job for a more ordinary one and manage financially (with or without the husband)? I think given how miserable you are, it’s worth thinking big about what needs to change. You probably do feel very trapped but there might be a way to change course if life isn’t making you feel joyful.

agreed. It was an odd and entirely untrue comment.

loads of people have been sympathetic and horrified.

but the op then says we’re hard against her husband

all very odd

I'm sorry OP it sounds very stressful and you are carrying a lot. Your DH doesn't sound like he is being a true partner, because he is prioritising his personal satisfaction and ego over the needs of the family. While you are not able to put yourself first at all, hence feeling so frazzled.

If he were to really set aside his ego and make decisions based on what is best for others, would he not either get a job that pays better (sharing more of the financial burden), or give up his current work and become a full time parent, which would take a lot off your plate and enable you to appreciate your time when not at work more?

Of course this must be balanced with the fact that if your DH becomes deeply miserable at having to give up on his dream, he would only make your lives more miserable.

Would he consider working with a business coach? I know of some who specialize in small businesses and only charge based on results, so it isn't something necessarily out of reach. Not only might they help him to make his business succeed again, but it could introduce a dose of objectivity into his plans. I'd be tempted to see if he could set a timeframe - if his work doesn't pay within 12 months, he needs to change course.

I'm sure we'd all like to work full time self-employed doing something we are passionate about but that's not really the real world. If he's not bringing in any money and his business isn't profitable he needs to start rethinking his career- either his business needs to adapt and change or he needs to start thinking about finding employment somewhere else.

In the meantime, the big bonus of being self-employed is you can set your own hours. Considering he's relying on you to pay the bills, he needs to take on a greater share of the work at home and structure his work around that.

I honestly didn’t expect to be in this situation whereby I’m wishing to have a better balance but MN is so unsympathetic I should just get on with it. And in terms of ‘’marrying well’ that doesn’t mean money. It means a partnership and frankly someone who can provide when a family comes along.

Then you haven’t married well have you? Your husband isn’t contributing equally to your family, whether that’s with time, effort or money.

You’ve posted that you’re near breaking point yet when people point out very clearly that your DH needs to pull his weight with housework and parenting, and either accept his business isn’t viable and seek employment, or make changes so it is viable. And then we’re all unsympathetic? Well yes - you’ve posted about issues with a very clear solution and yet when we point them out we’re horrible.

Options are better than no choice

What does this mean? You have choices - plenty.

Oh I KNEW I recognized this dynamic OP. I remember a previous post of yours. The advice you got was very similar. It really doesn't sound like you'd be any worse off without your DH at this rate. He doesn't seem to be carrying any of the load in your shared life.

You have a DH problem - meant in the nicest way, not saying he's a bad man.

Three things:

1.He needs to go back into the workforce and not be self employed. You need to agree an amount he needs to bring in (or make every effort to). Say it's 2k/month after tax, then if he can't bring that from his self-employment then he's looking for work to bring that in. Non negotiable.

2.He needs a job where he doesn't work weekends.

3.He needs to learn to drive, or if you life in an area with transit, do his bit on transit at the weekends.

I had a friend in your situation, she is the breadwinner, dh runs his own, small profit business. He does all the childcare to/fro, cleaning, cooking Monday through Friday. They split it more 50/50 weekends but he's already done the main clean which he does over an hour a day every day so they have really nice weekends with them each taking a dc to an activity, family time and time just for themselves too. She cooks Sat/Sun but gets to enjoy it as she's had Mon-Fri when busy off from cooking. He does dishes at the weekend. They are a partnership and acknowledge she has far more demands on weekdays.

Can you condense your hours? For example work a bit over 9 days for 1 day off. I have many friends who do this, they either do it over 2 weeks or over 3 weeks. Three weeks means a bit less 'extra' per day so it's more manageable, then they have every 3rd Friday off. They all love it.

Listen, we both are FT and earn well (roughly the same as each other) and its the same slog Im afraid. Rarely have time for anything unless my mum comes to help out. This goes for haircuts. No time for hobby or sports.
so its not the fact your husband isn’t a high flyer; it’s just life with young kids Im afraid…

So it’s OP who should perhaps get another job if she’s not happy in the current one. And obviously so easy to get a better paying job so she can increase her pay and get a housekeeper.