To desperately want to work part time but hate that I can’t

[HolyGuacamole28]

I have 2 DDs, 2 and 4. I’ve worked full time since both were 10 months, use a nursery. DH also works FT. I’m the breadwinner, earn alot more than H. I have to work full time to afford our lives. H is self employed and earns little. I’m burnt out, stressed, not performing at work and fed up. I do most of the early mornings and kid/house admin. I just work and then it’s kids (bedtimes are awful all round) no time for me. Can’t even find time for a hair cut. I’d love to work part time but it’s a fairy tale. Anyone been there to give me hope?

I've been in the same situation. I reduced my hours and cut back on spending. Not as easy if you are committed to debt and have large mortgage payments but Iuckily I didn't. I buy clothes in the sales, shop at Aldi, do cheap caravan holidays, free days out. Young children aren't going to care about a lavish lifestyle with expensive clothes, food and holidays.

Could you work compressed hours? I've recently started and I'm really enjoying having a day where I can drop the kids off and have time for myself, I often spend some time catching up on jobs in the household (decluttering etc) but also just finding myself again and enjoying hobbies. 😊

I'm also the bigger earner, DH is actually taking another pay cut soon to go back to the kind of work he enjoyed before redundancy due to covid. I understand the pressure and that's why I've done this thing for me and DH is picking up the slack after school while I'm working a bit later. We're both happier now we are focusing on our own happiness a little.

You need to have a serious chat about what’s best for everyone in the family for this to continue. You will end up sick if you already recognise you are burnt out.
after years of me being main earner and being burnt out and having two young kids I have reduced my earnings/days but I can finally breathe again. My brain was so foggy and I felt I was failing at everything.
DH recognised that my long working days he needed to pick up the slack and do the drop off/make dinners/homework and there is now more of a team approach.
we’ve had to reduce our outgoings where we can and still paying huge childcare but there is an end in sight for this.
coukd you compress hours? Take a Friday off? Take every second Friday off? Does your job have prospects where this could be on the horizon in the next couple of years?
If not, it’s not sustainable if you are feeling like this- you need to have a hard chat with your DH about him contributing more time and/or money to the household.
I feel your dilemma as this was me for so long, something needs to change in one aspect of your lives to make the change.

Presumably your 4 year old starts school in September? And your 2 year old will be eligible for 15 hours nursery support from next month, and 30 hours within the next year or so - that will make a huge difference to your finances. Would you be able to go part time in September, when you have one child at school and getting more financial support for the younger ones nursery fees? Could you even afford it sooner than that, knowing it is only for a short time that your outgoings on childcare will be so high?
Do agree with PP that OH needs to do his share of the load, and unless his business picks up soon, he should get a job.

Why can’t he drive? Is it medical or he never learnt because of its the latter then he needs to learn!

I’m also the higher earner, work full time as a teacher and went back to work when my kids were 4/5 months old as we couldn’t afford otherwise. However, DH works long nursing shifts three days a week so he’s home 2 days a week with the DD and had the same with DS before he started school. He does all the morning drops offs and picks up on his two days off. I collect from childminder the other 3 days (as he works late shifts).

Oh I feel you. I am also the breadwinner at home, and have never had a choice but to work full time. I think you’re at a really tough stage, it is a little easier when your kids are able to do more for themselves and when their bedtimes push back a bit and there’s just more space in the day. Having said that, if you’re both working full time, you need to share the home stuff as equally as you can. For us, I am naturally better at the admin stuff so tend to keep us organised, but I tell DH what I’m doing, write lists and delegate stuff and he owns more of the routine stuff. It gets out of balance sometimes but we can talk about it and reset. You need to talk to DH about what you’re experiencing, how much you’re doing, it may not all be visible to him. Also (keep open minded) it might not all be necessary and he might offer you another perspective.

I feel you, OP. Exactly the same situation and exactly the same feelings. Childcare is crippling us but my DH has no interest in because a SAHP (not interested in climbing any ladder) so I have to finance our life mostly. Add to the fact I live in wales too so I don't get any 2 year oldchildcare funding for my toddler so no chance of going part time anytime soon. as much as you love them, it's very hard to not feel resentful sometimes that they can choose to do a job they love and the consequence is we have little options. Doesn't matter if I hate my job or not, I've got to do it to pay for everything.

sorry to hear that. I don’t want to be a SAHM per se, just not have the income burden that I find myself shouldering. I’ve spoken to H and he’s going to drop to 3 days a week. So it should get better.

so he’s gone from not even willing to discuss it and consider changing jobs or reducing hours…. to going from 6/7 days a week…. to very part time 3 days a week?

I’ve completely been there. I spoke to my DH about mental load and how stressed out I was. It took a while, but he has completely taken over all of the house stuff: cooking, shopping, cleaning, laundry. He works full time, but it is 40 hours a week nights. He’s at home in the day and when the kids get in from school. Life is so much more manageable now. I still do a lot of the kids’ admin, but without the rest, that’s fine.

Have the conversation; but super clear about the specific things that need doing; and keep finding ways to say it that don’t get defensive on anyone’s part.

There is hope x

Well yes. I told him it’s that (do some childcare or find a way to get to x amount for the bills) or divorce. And we’ll reassess if his work picks up. It wasn’t easy.

My DH and I are both FT and I earn more, but this works because we share the workload with the kids and house. And then when I want to go to the hairdresser or gym, he'll do something with the kids and vice versa. However, ours are 8 and 4 and so i do think that makes a difference - you're at a more difficult stage in my view!

You could work compressed hours? I do 4 long days instead of 5 regular days and as a single parent that day off a week has helped to keep me sane over the years.

this is very true.

I do a 9 day fortnight, and tbh new to a job, I struggle to take the 10th day off and do the work that is needed.

however, just having a day when I take a bit of me time (like 30 mins to read a book with a cup of tea), get exercise, catch up on house work, or do a bit of work work so I feel on top of stuff.
it keeps one sane.

if the work will allow Iit.

@HolyGuacamole28 Well done for having that discussion.
Sounds like you will need to tell him what needs doing in terms of housework / childcare.
Also, is he still trying with passing his driving license? That will be invaluable

was it the first time you’d threatened divorce?

Can you look for a job with more flexibility and the same or more money? Could you then outsource more? I've always worked FT too and always the breadwinner. I'm now divorced and I'm pleased I was always able to stay FT as I'm in a much better position regarding my pension, have been able to progress in my career and earn more which has given me many more options and freedoms. Flexibility doesn't have to mean less hours, it can be more wfh, fitting your hours in to suit you (my kids are Secondary school now so I can work a longer day from home and take 2 hour lunch break to exercise, shower and eat then not having to leave them home alone in the evening to do that, for example). I would just be wary of assuming that PT will equal less stress. If you're thinking of staying with the same org they're not going to recruit extra people to do a slice of your role so will you still end up doing the same work for less money?

Sounds like wife needs a different husband

His business isn’t viable. It needs to stop. Stop running round with the kids at weekends. It won’t harm them. You are trying to do too much and you will have to figure out what to stop doing.

Crazy that people are recommending divorce on the basis of a few brief posts. I thought marriage was supposed to be something you worked at.

@HolyGuacamole28 I’m sorry you are having such a tough time!
we are in a (sort of) similar situation, although only 1 (spirited) child. My husband earns less than me but works some crazy hours (his contracted hours are higher but also he does way more than he should too). Because he works so much it feels like I pick up the most home life tasks in between full time work. That said he does do as much as he possibly can when he can. We are both shattered (our child’s sleep has been terrible for the last year too).

I have actually just slightly reduced my hours so that I don’t work a Friday every fortnight. it works out around a 10% pay cut, which we could live with - could that be a small enough pay cut that you could still get by, but also still get some time back to recover from the burnout/get things done around the house (this is my plan)?

Cut some of the kids activities. They don’t need to do loads. I am the main bread winner too but I always worked 4 days when mine were small as my husband worked evenings and weekends and I was run ragged. Obviously it is a drop in salary but it’s not as much as a full 20% drop in take home due to tax. Yes we could have done with more money and it’s lovely now having it but it was doable at the time. Also childcare costs ease with time so may make it more affordable if not now then in future. Hang in there

Also bit of a sticking plaster and may have already been mentioned but I have someone come to the house. Even though my kids are 18 and 15 now I prefer it. I haven’t been to a salon probably for at least 10 years!

DH needs to start being a dad. Why cant he watch the kids in the evening or wkend while you get your haircut? You sound like a single parent. He also needs to get a better paid job if SE isnt bringing in enough money

Does DH nott drive?