To desperately want to work part time but hate that I can’t

[HolyGuacamole28]

I have 2 DDs, 2 and 4. I’ve worked full time since both were 10 months, use a nursery. DH also works FT. I’m the breadwinner, earn alot more than H. I have to work full time to afford our lives. H is self employed and earns little. I’m burnt out, stressed, not performing at work and fed up. I do most of the early mornings and kid/house admin. I just work and then it’s kids (bedtimes are awful all round) no time for me. Can’t even find time for a hair cut. I’d love to work part time but it’s a fairy tale. Anyone been there to give me hope?

@HolyGuacamole28 , I hear you and no, you're not alone. I too am a mum of a preschooler (only one though) with a high pressure city job which supports the family and I also carried (until relatively recently) the entire mental load of the house.

I was trying to be understanding and supportive of the 'lower paid but hard working' DH as well. But then I reached a point very similar to what you describe - where I was starting to fall apart under pressure, so we had to have 'come to Jesus' conversation. Essentially, he was explained that if things continue as they are - we, as a family, will be risking to lose the job that supports us all. Because that's the ugly truth - both jobs/careers matter, both working parents deserve equal respect - but if one of those is feeding the family quite literally, then that job has to be prioritised, or circumstances changed.

He understood that he had two options: earn more (so that I can earn less and go part time or to a less high-pressure role) or take on more around the house so that I can recharge for the said job. Thankfully, putting it black on white for him (how our finances would look like if I had to stop working due to a breakdown or if I went part time) was enough for him to step up. It is still not perfect but it is much better than before and he's making an effort to give me time to recharge.

I’m really overwhelmed and grateful for the responses. Most are helpful and kind, a few are berating and mean. I will talk to H again and sort this out and make an appt with the GP too due to anxiety and stress. Thank you.

You have been in this job six months and you cannot continue like this. It is time to take stock and divide tasks up.

You do not have the luxury of going part time. You are not picking up slack, you are doing it all.

it makes sense that the person that earns more to work full time. You might be able to condense your hours with reducing your salary. You might be able to do 9 out of 10 days with an impact on your salary.

I earn a lot more, my OH works part time. We have separate finances, we have the same disposable income and the same free time. We both parent equally.

Life rarely works out the way we plan for. Appreciate that you are not both low earners or reliant on just your OHs income. I know it doesn't feel like it, you are in a fortunate position.

Can I ask what kind of job/hours you do to of made it through from your DC being that age up until now.
What do you do in the school holidays/inset days etc.

I think it seems to differ as to where people live, their housing, how much they earn because I know quite a lot of single mothers who work part time, and get Universal Credit, it worked out better.
As full time the threshold is low for earnings, and therefore without any help at all, if I did full time that wouldn't even pay my rent.

It's not always possible to keep training keep studying and increase your earning potential.

I also had my DC later in life, and therefore that has made a difference to what I have been capable of doing also with some health issues.

What do you do? If you don't mind me asking.

Definitely think DH staying home and shouldering all that load is worth considering. You will likely be better off financially and then it means you won’t spend all your time doing school runs and housework outside work and can enjoy the weekends all together more

Honestly I work part time and still have zero me time, when I’m not at work I’m with my kids and I don’t get a minute. When their this young there’s not much else we can do but hope for a brighter future 🫤🤣

I have two DDs the same ages and work FT. I don’t think it’s unusual at all!

It is hard, though, especially if your DH isn’t pulling his weight at home. I feel like that is at the core of your issue.

What does he say when you address this with him?

This. I work PT and when I’m not at work I’ve got a toddler attached to me. I still find it difficult to find time for myself.

Your DH needs to do more around the house, for the kids etc and he needs to get a job. It's none negotiable at this point, you are miserable, it's time to put your foot down.

It sounds like, for now, you can't drop your wage, however, you can make adjustments now to make your life easier.

You and your DH have to come up with a way of distributing household admin / childcare realistically. For me and my DH (both FT) is that I did most drop offs and pick ups as he was the major breadwinner and needed to put in the hours at that point in his career. He did a lot of childcare when he could - bedtimes, weekends.
I did child admin, he did house admin. When we were able, we got a cleaner.
We made a conscious decision to prioritise his career.

Mid term you need to look for a new career / job.
Depending on what you do, can you do any of the following:
WFH, compressed hours, flexible working requests. Remote working?
Does your company have any coaching / careers guidance?

Long term - could you relocate? Live in a cheaper area?

It's really hard to give more specific advice as we don't know what sectors you both work in

Then your friends are financially better off than you are or their husbands are the breadwinner of the family. The fact is, it’s unlikely you can go part time. I know plenty of mums who work full time in stressful jobs. Some mums don’t want to go part time, some dads don’t want to go part time.

My point is, to all the responses saying your DH simply needs to get a better paid job so his wife can work part time 🤣 if life were that simple we’d all be loaded and working 1 day a week

He might love what he does. He might be trying to build the business for their future so re-investing. We don’t know the details here. There are certainly other solutions than ‘The DH needs to get a better job’. Lots of people are low earners, life isn’t that easy for everyone

I would speak to DH about him going PT in a different job.

Yes it means he’d have to give up his current job but he may be more inclined to do that if he’s only working 2/3 days a weeks (and probably getting just as much money for it).

It would then mean he can do the majority of housework and childcare and therefore makes your job easier.

I’ve always said working is relatively easy.
Being a parent is relatively easy.
Doing all of the housework, cooking, life admin etc is relatively easy.
But it’s when these things are put together that it makes it very difficult and overwhelming.

What posters are actually saying is that he needs to earn more money as he’s not pulling his weight either financially or on the domestic front. That his business is an indulgent white elephant. They would conceivably be better off if he worked a min wage 9-5* or was a SAHD and did all childcare, domestic work and admin.

*Depending how OP is calculating his pay.

It’s not building though is it, if it were OP wouldn’t be complaining. Just because some people are low earners doesn’t mean everyone has to be or that he has to be earning as little as he is.

I was PT when the kids were little and went FT when they went to school and was dreading it but actually it's totally fine so I hope that maybe let's you know it gets easier. I do have a very flexible job though - are you able to request any kind of flexi working? That works for me as I do an evening or two when they are in bed to make up for a couple of early pick ups to enjoy time with them and facilitate classes - obviously once you have the bedtimes a bit more sorted this might help

well you have one so you are smart enough, but I can understand having the financial weigh too the whole family can feel daunting.

Does is work have potential pay off and its just in the building stage. If there are no disabling factors you do need to get him driving and pull his weight around the house.

He should be contributing 50/50 to child rearing and the mental family load.
And frankly even if he can't drive he will have to get the bus and do half of pick up/drop off.

You seem burnt out.

If your dh is not bringing in serious bacon then he needs to step up with the domestic stuff.
but having run a start up business know how hard that is.

It all sounds extremely tough, OP. You can't do everything and nor should you.

The fact that your husband can't drive is quite significant - many jobs require this to some degree, even if it's just to open up where you can work and what you can do. I don't know what public transport is like in your area but I do know that many companies have been recruiting hard for drivers - mostly HGV but also forklift truck and other weight classifications. Having a licence is essential for this.

Getting to the point, driving skills are in such demand that some companies are putting staff through the training to do it and paying for that qualification. It's worth looking into. Of course, if your husband can't drive for medical reasons then that's moot.

He absolutely MUST take on more of the household chores and looking after his children, you can't burn out, there's no available time for that so he will just have to step up and give up his pointless 'career', it's not working for his family so it can't be done. If he's taking a job that's paid by the hour, whatever it is, then at least you'll know where you are and what leeway you have for yourself in dropping your hours down a bit, OP.

I really hope that this is just a question of straightening out your husband's dogged stubbornness and that he will do what's right for his family.

People who are low earners need to do it with their partners approval though. You aren’t entitled to shrug your responsibilities off onto someone else without their agreement - at the outset and on an ongoing basis. Why would his “love for what he does” trump her mental health?

She is struggling, he has had a fair go at it, and can’t make it work. It is time for him to now step up and start pulling his weight, both domestically and financially.

Your husband needs to cut down on his hobby business and pick up more of the tasks at home.

Exactly.

Wouldn’t it be nice to just have a hobby job you like and not have to worry about whether you make any money and the bills are paid?

Adults have responsibilities. It’s not even like this man is trying to squeeze his non-profitable work around family responsibilities. His wife is doing all that stuff and bringing in the money to keep everyone afloat.

She is allowed to be resentful about that. and he needs to step up and meet his responsibilities.

Yep, and the women who are working part time and earning much less are almost invariably doing so whilst taking a majority/all the caring and home responsibilities. There are invariably claims of double standards on threads like these and they never account for the man doing less around the house.

Sit him and tell him to man up.