To desperately want to work part time but hate that I can’t

[HolyGuacamole28]

I have 2 DDs, 2 and 4. I’ve worked full time since both were 10 months, use a nursery. DH also works FT. I’m the breadwinner, earn alot more than H. I have to work full time to afford our lives. H is self employed and earns little. I’m burnt out, stressed, not performing at work and fed up. I do most of the early mornings and kid/house admin. I just work and then it’s kids (bedtimes are awful all round) no time for me. Can’t even find time for a hair cut. I’d love to work part time but it’s a fairy tale. Anyone been there to give me hope?

I’m a single parent working FT sometimes it’s hard but I make it work mostly and honestly I’d rather that than having a dead weight partner.

I’ve known a few families where this happened. The man earning less than the cost of childcare by some margin, but refusing to take a career break. When it’s the other way, women usually do take time out from paid work, to help the family through the hard early years and avoid nursery costs. As he’s self employed, he’s not even maintaining a pension, career progression etc. Honestly, if he’s not earning enough to cover nursery, why isn’t he willing to take a couple of years out to care for the children?

@HolyGuacamole28
This is a really helpful comment from someone in a similar situation.

I went part time because full time just felt impossibly stressful for us as a family, but I earn less than half my husband when full time anyway so it was less of an impact for us. I use some of that reclaimed time to make things easier for my husband so he can keep maintaining his job that supports us. It's a balance, that's harder for women because the mental load is almost entirely on our plate and it's so hard to share it, even if the guy understands & is willing.

I do understand the notion that you can't "just ask people to get a better paid job".

But that is different to someone who is SE and not making profit on what they do getting a NMW job. It's not the same principle.

Working a min wage 9-5 still won't allow the OP to go part time, so she would still be in the same situation (maybe with a tiny increase in household income) as he likely still wouldn't pull his weight if he isn't doing so now.

She must have known his job/income before choosing to have children with him, but she said she chose to 'settle'. Now she is unhappy because she 'settled' for someone she doesn't seem to like or respect very much.

Just leave him....

Your dh needs to get an actual job.
You need half a day at the weekend to recover, as a minimum.

Once he is working full time, you can cut back. He is not pulling his weight.

You would be better off divorced with 50/50 childcare arrangements op.

I doubt he’d step up to 50/50. He sounds too self-centred.

But yes, you’d have less to do by the sound of it op even if he hardly saw the kids as he’s making your life much harder just by being there.

Hiya we both worked FT when my children were little its hard but doable- so we sat down and divided chores and child related tasks. Played to each other’s strengths where possible (I’m more organised and better with money) he’s more practical (e.g mowing the lawn, building furniture). The chores went up on the board in the kitchen so it was clear. We had one car at the time so car use was coordinated around nursery, shifts and school. The other person walked or got buses etc.

Any spare money we had I invested it in chores/ help (as we had no parent or friend support) - so slightly increasing nursery time by an hour so I could hoover/ clean etc, home shop ordered at night when kids were in bed, I had a cleaner (eventually) 2 hours a month to start with just to hoover the stairs and stuff I just hated. We had little or no savings but agreed spare cash should go to helping ‘us’ for a couple of years and savings would come later. It is so hard - mine are 17 and 19 now it does get better!!!

Ultimately you do need to talk to your H - make a decision how long are you willing to wait till the business income improves? set a time limit and stick to it. We have business mentors locally linked to charities or banks which can support people to look at there plans, trajectories, communication plans etc and support changes- is there anyone like that locally to your H?

I have to work full time as our life is just that expensive. The haircut thing used to make me miserable but I started taking half a day holiday every few months to get a haircut and manicure, my hairdresser gives me a cocktail so it feels like a real treat. Similarly, I take a day off the week before Christmas before anyone else stops to sort out Christmas. Not a game changer but a little help.

You didn't marry well???? Wtf??? Are we in 1830? Why didn't you get a better job then? Perhaps he can't get a better job but he doeshave to do more housework and kids

Well basically he is able to do what he is doing because of you OP.

Which reminds me of many separated set up's including mine, but that is another story, and not acceptable either, but a little different when you are not together.

The way you women talk about your men.jesus.its awful.i find being alone v hard financially and emotionally at times but then I come on mumsnet and think differently

What, expecting them to pull their weight financially and in terms of shared household /child-related gruntwork?

Do you love him? What does he add to your life? He sounds selfish, happy enough to see you run ragged and being the breadwinner whilst he makes pennies. He at least needs to pull his weight more with household tasks/kids. I would have a serious think about whether you want to stay in this relationship. Sending hugs.

Your husband does more housework or gets a better paid job.

This. The problem is that he needs to step up. If roles were reversed, you would never hear a man saying this: 'I am breadwinner and work F/T and do most of the dropoffs and life admin'.
I totally get you, I was very unhappy when my kids were younger as I WANTED to be doing the dropoffs and the admin, but the fact is if you are happy not to, then the solution is easier: he needs to step up significantly.
Book the haircut for a saturday, and leave 'em to it!

@HolyGuacamole28 are you able to tell us a bit more about what you and your DH do job wise?

I think it would give you much richer advice.

Could you tell us why your DH doesn't drive? Is it due to medical reasons?

If your DH isn't earning a profit equivalent to NMW, then he is actually pursuing a hobby not running a viable business - And leaving you to pick up the tab.

I was in the same position as you. We visited a financial planner who was able to analyse our income and arrived at a baseline figure we would need to earn to maintain our lifestyle and not affect us too much in the future eg pensions and putting money aside for the children. Interestingly we could live on 30k less than we currently are. In the end I haven't reduced my hours but knowing what is possible has given me hope and made things feel less desolate. Not sure if this helps but hopefully it will.

I hate these type of hobby jobs where men swan round saying they are self employed. Some businesses are just not viable. You can sweat blood and they still won't produce a living wage. If your husband is working hard and has done so for years and the business is still producing pitiful returns, he needs to learn to drive, get a job and pull his weight. You need to have a conversation where you say that you are at risk of losing your job if he doesn't step up. One of the reasons why I never worked part-time was that my career is the sort where people would expect you to do five days work even if you were being paid and present for 4 days. I think you need to cut out unnecessary hobbies out for the children till you are back on your feet a bit. I did work full-time and so did my husband with two pre-schoolers but the difference was he shared the cooking, the cleaning and the childcare. These are the most difficult years in terms of sheer exhaustion and the level of care - teenagers are another thing too but at least you're not trying to toilet-train them.

Yes, maybe you married down a bit. It happens. I know of somebody who is very big in a city job and would be seen as aspirational by many who, in private, says she knows she settled but when she looks at her child it was all worth it.
(The husband, to be fair, is gainfully employed in a professional job.) I married somebody in a field which requires you to be very clever but not so clever that you require a good salary. He progressed though in his job, specialised in a particular area, and eventually set up his own business which was profitable enough to cover half our expenses and something to save. But your husband seems to have a very comfortable life, pottering around doing what the likes while you do all the child stuff, the household stuff and the driving. I think you need to winkle him out of that very comfortable niche. What was he doing for money when you met him?

Can you spring for a cleaner? I have had one for my entire married life. Sure, you have to tidy up a bit before they whip through but at least the worst of it is done.

This!

Nice for him to have his 'hobby" but he has 2 children so he needs to get a full time paying job to relieve the financial pressure on you!

@SenQuestion

It sounds like your husband doesn't help out enough. I also have a husband that can't drive, or cook or clean.

i have to ask. why did you have children with someone knowing that you will need to work full time, do all driving and cook and clean?

Don't we all

oh and @SenQuestion for you to think he “can’t” cook or clean indicates he’s done a number on you