To desperately want to work part time but hate that I can’t

[HolyGuacamole28]

I have 2 DDs, 2 and 4. I’ve worked full time since both were 10 months, use a nursery. DH also works FT. I’m the breadwinner, earn alot more than H. I have to work full time to afford our lives. H is self employed and earns little. I’m burnt out, stressed, not performing at work and fed up. I do most of the early mornings and kid/house admin. I just work and then it’s kids (bedtimes are awful all round) no time for me. Can’t even find time for a hair cut. I’d love to work part time but it’s a fairy tale. Anyone been there to give me hope?

you have completely got the wrong end of the stick 😆

wait… are you being serious??

On the driving - if he is continually failing, he could try getting a license for an automatic vehicle.

I have a friend who did this years ago. He just couldn't handle all the different operations to driving a car, however, when he had an automatic, he just found it a lot easier and he passed - not having to worry about a gearstick was the clincher of him passing. Could be worth investigating.

If the roles were reversed and the man was breadwinner I doubt he would be doing the nights, early starts AND the life admin.

you have a DH issue. He’s trying to give traditional roles except he hasn’t got a house wife…he has a woman that keeps him.

if his job doesn’t earn much AND doesn’t bring with it family perks like flexibility for school runs then it isn’t sustainable. He chose to have a family so your life decisions should support it. Both of you.

YANBU. If I were you I’d decide what hours you want to do ideally and how a good balance would be and the say ‘this is what I’m going to do’. And adjust life style to get there. Cut luxury and drop anything you can. Then also drop morning school run. He has to or he finds a child minder.

he is your life and business partner, not your pet so please don’t grind yourself out for this. He’s so rude and selfish to put you through this AND take your money. Good luck.

You are simply doing too much OP and it's your DH who can help this. It's a shame his business has suffered since covid, but not all businesses last and if it doesn't make enough money, it sounds like he can't afford the luxury of it now. Does he have the option of getting a job that would be a lot better paid?

It's good he's taking driving lessons - that will make a difference when he passes, so hang on in there. It took me years to pass too (5 tests) though it was before I had a family. You will have time for a haircut when he can have the kids on a Saturday, and do other things for yourself - and maybe things will feel more equal then.

I still think his job situation needs to be discussed - surely he must have a goal of how long he'll try his business / how much he needs to earn? At least have a contingency plan. Talk it though with him.

If she’s unhappy in her current job (I didn’t see that she has said this?) then wouldn’t it make sense to get a new job that she’s happy in?

on her other thread she repeatedly says she can’t stand it

and when you are the primary earner by a massive margin…. taking risks is tricky

@upthehills1 i will take a punt that you aren’t married with children?

clear as day

But now I have to really slog in a city job I hate just to pay the bills

Op could you reduce your hours just a bit, maybe do 4 days instead of 5? That'll give you one day just to catch up on house and take time for appointments etc. And it wouldn't be a huge salary sacrifice.

I do it and I really need that 1 day off or I think I'd feel the same as you. I have Mondays off and use that day for food shopping, laundry, cleaning, appointments, bank and post office etc. Makes a huge difference.

Look into it and work out how much less you'd have monthly and see if you can cutback on anything to cover that missing income.

Then yes…. Why isn’t she looking for another job that she enjoys with higher pay. Then she can leave her lazy DH and get a housekeeper. Easy peasy isn’t it

She probably CAN get a better paid job - but as a breadwinner - she is less likely to be willing to risk changing jobs especially after only 6m in a role. Also, her getting an even better paid job wouldn't change the fact that her husband is not pulling his weight at home. Better paid jobs usually come with more responsibility and pressure - so she'd be in pretty much the same position.

I genuinely don't understand what are you defending here? His right not to contribute to his family because he 'loves his job'?

good heavens

i take it no you’re not and no you’re not to both questions, especially from your last post.

It's easier to find a job that pays better when the criteria is "pays more than minimum wage and doesn't require you to work 6/7 days a week" (what the OP's husband needs to do) than it is to find a job that pays better when the criteria is "pays even higher than an already very high paying job, and involves fewer hours" (what you're saying the OP should do).

The OP makes a pretty large wage, the next step up for her would a) be harder to get (the pyramid narrows more the further up you go; there are not that many top level exec jobs) and b) is hardly likely to involve her doing less work than she does now (top corporate jobs are very demanding).

She is currently in a pretty normal paradigm whereby working very hard at a stressful job correlates to her earning a good salary. Her husband meanwhile has a situation where he is working very hard and not earning much. It's manifestly much easier for him to change that, than it is for her.

Well, the OP didn't actually explain that the business had previously been successful until after my post. But I think the 'hobby' comments are valid even so - Covid was 4 years ago now. Her husband has had plenty of time to see the lack viability of the business and make other arrangements - and has chosen not to. Meanwhile his family struggles on.

DH is self employed but has earned very little since Covid really. He won’t look for another job. He won’t discuss anything.

twat

@FunnyFinch Quite. But I think the OP is a long way from being able to see this clearly, hence circuitous presentations of the issue like this dreaming of being able to go part-time etc.

In the short run if your partner earns less could you use some of your AL to take some semi regular time a week/fortnight for yourself, and then as he is self employed he becomes more flexible to cover nursery illness / closed dates etc. Are you able to incorporate WFH once/twice a week to remove any commuting hassles etc

Sounds like you're being run into the ground so if your wage is what is needed to maintain the household I would sit down with partner and reassess. Can small changes in how you both handle and manage household tasks help.

Until

I’ve always worked full time since my eldest was 9 months, I also had a 4 year old step son at that point. My husband has always been full time too.
I then had 2 more children, so 4, and apart from maternity worked full time. It was/ is stressful, juggling. The elder 2 are adults now (18 & 21), but I still have an 8 & 12 year old. We’ve always share things at home 50/50 - it’s the only way it works. Your husband need to do his share, before you crack. It’s unfair for you to do more, it’s only going to build up massive resentment. Have a proper chat with him, enough now - he’s been a Dad for 4 years!

It does get easier as they get older, 2 & 4 are both demanding ages! I remember covid and I began working at home with a 4 year old, it was horrific! But they grow up so much, so quick, bedtimes etc all get easier. Don’t give up.

Could DH reduce his hours and do all housework and admin? Might make it easier for you.

Are you the OP’s husband?

Or do you have a vanity small business that you love but doesn’t make a profit and are expecting your husband to indulge this?

So she should get another higher paid job, rather than him finding one that brings actual money in. Or even, just does more around the house and does more child care.

At the moment Op has the pressure of doing it all. Can you explain why he should be able to opt out of a financial responsibility AND house hold responsibility and childcare responsibilities?

His job isn’t even a hobby. It’s a drain. If your business started failing in Covid and hasn’t improved since, it’s time to call it a day. Or do you think he should just be able to carry on for the rest of his life ‘trying to Mel it work’ while Op continues to be harmed by it?

she’s a single woman with no children

and absolutely bugger all experience of having a family of dependents rely on you financially

Your husband needs to step up and do more, you sound utterly exhausted, its hard as you are doing everything and its not sustainable. Have a frank talk with him. Write everything down if that would help and give it to him to read. Him not wanting to give up self employment thats not paying well is not acceptable its selfish, or maybe he could get employed work as well, as for the not driving either he stops having lessons which are expensive or gets on and passes his test, hes coasting along while you are struggling, he should be doing mornings or bedtimes, at least half of house work . Being married and having to basically a single parent is worse than actually being a single parent so have a think about that, having someone who does not step up os worse than having no one, i hope he listens and makes some change, , .