To desperately want to work part time but hate that I can’t

[HolyGuacamole28]

I have 2 DDs, 2 and 4. I’ve worked full time since both were 10 months, use a nursery. DH also works FT. I’m the breadwinner, earn alot more than H. I have to work full time to afford our lives. H is self employed and earns little. I’m burnt out, stressed, not performing at work and fed up. I do most of the early mornings and kid/house admin. I just work and then it’s kids (bedtimes are awful all round) no time for me. Can’t even find time for a hair cut. I’d love to work part time but it’s a fairy tale. Anyone been there to give me hope?

let me guess

he loves his job and it’s a passion

Why on earth are you letting him run a business if it's not profitable? Why doesn't he take a paye job instead?

We’ve talked before about it. He doesn’t drive so delivery is limited. But tbh he doesn’t want to throw the towel in. It’s frustrating. I never thought I’d be the financial lynchpin. I’m not smart enough really to have a career. I just wanted a job. Clock in type stuff. But now I have to really slog in a city job I hate just to pay the bills. We met late and I’ve settled but I got scared of being alone and not pretty enough to have someone high flying and alpha. Sigh.

Can you change your lifestyle?

i have been on your other threads

You sound very very very unhappy with so much in life OP. Have you considered going to your GP?

Honestly we don’t have a luxury lifestyle. High nursery and mortgage. No trips abroad, I buy second hand etc. nothing to cut back on. I’m totally trapped.

He needs to get driving lessons.
It's all going his way, isn't it? While you can't even get a haircut.
While swanning around. "He doesn't want to"
That is all you need to know, while he is watching your quality of life suffer.
You need to read him the riot act.
You are tired, he needs to prioritise driving lessons and getting a job. If he's not earning much, he can do that in a job where he pulls his weight for the family, for his poor, tired wife.
But he doesn't want to. It suits him, not you.

No. I’m wary of getting my card marked at work. I’ve only been in my work role 6 months. But you’re right. I am unhappy. It’s an endless cycle of work and kids and chores. But that’s life I guess.

The way you talk about your husband is not kind.

But he does need to pull his weight more such as taking the children to school in the morning or being responsible for putting them to bed so you can get some time to yourself.

Your husband needs to step up and either get a better job or start doing more of the life admin.
He also needs to learn to drive.
The problem sounds less like your working full time and more like your have a lazy husband with no drive

Being the higher earner and doing the mental load etc is absolutely shit.

All the pressure and responsibility is on you.

I really think that we need to find a way to make sure younger women have a realistic idea of what their lives would be like should they fall for the dream of "having it all".

OP could you change your lifestyle completely, eg downsize or move to a cheaper area? I run my own business and take a very low salary so I can work part time around my hobby. I can pay my bills and run the household and that's all I need in life. I'm a single parent but have never wanted a 'career' as such-I was thoroughly miserable in an office based environment so retrained many years ago and am so much happier.

why would going to the GP get your “card marked”? 😕

Sounds a terrible set up for you

lovely for him

but why can’t he make his non-paying work (essentially a hobby) a part time hobby and get a real job earning some cash?

Why can’t he do more at home?

Why can’t he learn to drive?

“Get a different job” is so simple in theory but really not in practice 🙄

If he is working so much why is he earning so little? Is it actually little or does it just feel like that because nursery fees are so expensive?

im sure he could at least take them to weekend classes so you can have a haircut ffs.

I do agree that he needs to step up and do more care as well explore other options for employment.

DH works hard but it’s just not profitable.

Then he needs to find something that is. Or do less of it in order to allow you, the breadwinner, to function better. Because if it’s not making money for the family, then it’s just an indulgence really. My friend’s DH is a bit like this: on paper, he has a terribly worthwhile and worthy job. And he loves that. But it doesn’t support their family, she’s working all hours and is very stressed and is having to beg for handouts from her parents. And any question of the DH using his time, skills and experience to do something more lucrative but infinitely less worthy is met with looks of horror and “but he wouldn’t want to do that”. But then I see it as an indulgence; it’s something for him rather than pitching in for the family.

he’s on minimum wage according to op’s other thread

minimum wage jobs aren’t exactly thin on the ground

im sure he could at least take them to weekend classes so you can have a haircut ffs.

exactly

he’s either an inept twat
or
you are martyring yourself

He doesn’t have to be high flying and alpha, just scraping more than minimum wage and pulling his weight at home would be an improvement.

Well, honestly. I doubt your marriage will last anyway. You don’t speak highly of him, I’ve been married over 20 years and I can’t imagine speaking about my husband like that. I worked FT when kids were young. it’s very do-able. At that time we earned equally around £50-60k each. So we both needed to work. Now he far out earns me and I’m PT but kids much older. The way it worked was having a clearly defined role for each parent that split the childcare/house. I would do the mornings. He did the evenings and meals and we split bedtimes. Then you’re not resentful and just get on with life with young kids which can be tedious because you’re focusing on their best times at weekends. It gets much better.

Talk straight with partner.
Tell him you need a break. Ask him to work a 30 hour week and take charge of all the weekend and after school kid's activities.

You concentrate on doing your job well and getting the kids to school.
Do you have any family of close friends who might be able to do some driving while your husband gets his licence?

I just want to give you the reverse, considering what some people are saying.

I am the mum, two young children, self employed and earn less than my DH (albeit not a big disparity like you). The general feeling by my DH that I should be picking up the entire mental load because I happen to work less is ruining my career. We can't afford a nanny or much after school care so I do all the PM school runs and my afternoons are trashed - I achieve v little after 2pm. I would earn much more (more than my DH probably) if I did exactly the same job but was not picking up the full slack elsewhere.

I totally understand your frustration and exhaustion and I'm not undermining it but you need to find a solution that doesn't undermine your DH's status as self employed. And you also need to be honest with yourself about how much money you would be spending on childcare if he wasn't. You might decide that investment is worth it if he wants to take a contracted job instead to boost your household income.

Is his wage covering childcare costs or would you improve your situation, at least financially, if he was a sahp?

He needs to step up and support his family better both in terms of financially and practically. These ineffectual men are so common these days. It's so off putting. This family dynamic will be such a struggle for you op.

He doesn’t have to be a ‘high flying alpha’ to be able to support his family, learn to drive and do more childcare.