To desperately want to work part time but hate that I can’t

[HolyGuacamole28]

I have 2 DDs, 2 and 4. I’ve worked full time since both were 10 months, use a nursery. DH also works FT. I’m the breadwinner, earn alot more than H. I have to work full time to afford our lives. H is self employed and earns little. I’m burnt out, stressed, not performing at work and fed up. I do most of the early mornings and kid/house admin. I just work and then it’s kids (bedtimes are awful all round) no time for me. Can’t even find time for a hair cut. I’d love to work part time but it’s a fairy tale. Anyone been there to give me hope?

Yes she also says: I’d love to work part time but it’s a fairy tale.

By the sounds of it, OP’s life would be much improved if her DH earned a reasonable amount and pulled his weight.

Why the hell isn't he pulling his weight? This will end in divorce if he doesn't step up because after a while the resentment is too much to bear.

It’s literally the title of the post

We’d all have a better life if we earned more 😅

But the problem isn’t that the OP isn’t doing her bit. She’s got a stressful job and is earning. And she’s doing all the house and family work.

The problem is her husband isn’t earning more and seems quite happy to have her shoulder the load alone.

And DH does most of the work/ life admin and says he’s exhausted.

And that's why we read the posts as well as the titles 🙂

I completely agree that he should equally contribute at home.

But in regards to income - in a world where the majority of lower earners are women, the responses to this post are screaming double standards. We don’t tell women working for minimum wage they must get a new job that pays more do we?

She’s asking for ‘hope’ that she can go PT, not for advise on getting her DH to do more chores

I mean I literally directly quoted her, but go for your interpretation if it fits your narrative better.

This is all about your husband. It's insane that you've put up with this. He needs to find a job, do more with his own kids and home.

Or just divorce him and have some time to yourself when he sees them. But either way, he's your problem.

Your husband either needs to change jobs to something more stable and is bringing in more money or he needs to step up with school drops offs etc as he’s the self employed one so can be flexible with hours.

keep your eyes open for new jobs for yourself that offer flexi hours or WFH days or speak to your boss about switching your hours up so you’re taking a whole day off but not taking a huge cut in salary by moving some hours else where to longer days.

Quote ‘I’d love to work part time but it’s a fairy tale. Anyone been there to give me hope?’

He's not 'working minimum wage'. He's self employed and just not very good at it.

OP you need to sit down with your husband and make a plan - tell him you are burnt out and things need to change.
Tell him that from next year you plan to drop hours at work, so he needs to step up. That will give a few months to get driving lessons and take his test, and also find a part time job to supplement his non existent income from his self employment.

You forgot 'he also does most of the housework and childcare'.

Go part-time. Drop a day. You'll save on nursery fees at least, so it may balance out. Your health and just being there for your kids is too important to do anything else. Investigate cheaper child care. A child minder can be cheaper. Plus it's not forever and you may be able to use them at the school stage. Your work will improve as you'll be less stressed.

If DH is self employed, he must have skills that can be used better? Can he get outside help and support to grow his business? This is on him to investigate, not you. Don't think of him as a 'settle'. Nobody deserves that. He's your free choice and the kid's Dad. You don't have to stay with him, but give him a chance to step up.

This is the problem here, not that he needs to change his job or she should work less. They should both pull their weight at home equally.

@HolyGuacamole28 at no point was I nasty. I genuinely think you said horrible, never mind if true, things about your husband. Of course two people working full time with pre-schoolers is do-able. Loads of us have done, or do it. Childminders/nursery. One drops off. One picks up. Share the load.

If they are playing at self employment for little money and could earn more in employment and their husband is stressed and burnt out from the responsibility… yes. People would.

But in most cases, men aren’t doing 50-50 of the domestic responsibility. So your comparison is pure whataboutery.

The OP says he 'earns little', not he earns NMW. It could well be that, for the hours he works, he makes less than NMW, as many SE people do. NMW is over £20k, or around £1700 pm, which isn't a 'little' contribution which suggests he earns less than this.

Plus, due to lack of employment benefits like employer pension contributions, he needs to be earning above NMW, for it to be worthwhile.

I remember your other threads OP.

If you always use the same ingredients, the cake will always turn out the same. You need to make fundamental changes and that is your DH gives up his unprofitable 'job' and actually goes out and earns and also steps up with childcare. If this fundamental change doesn't happen, you will just get more and more burnt out and more and more unhappy.

‘Playing at self employment’? Where did you get that from? He works FT plus often on weekends.

The OP has basically said that she has ‘settled’ for a man who can’t provide enough money for her to work part time. She is under no obligation to stay with him and I’m sure he’d be upset to know she has ‘settled’ in marrying him. Well rock on OP, go find yourself a high flying career husband who can give you the lifestyle you so ‘desperately’ want. No one stopping you…

Yep. She gets that part time is a fairy tale. She's looking for hope in her burned out, stressed life - that's how I read it, though I can see how you arrived at your interpretation.

This is articulated much more clearly in her subsequent post. Why ignore that?

It was doable for us because my DH did at least 50% of everything outside of work. Cooking, life admin, nursery drop offs and pick-ups.
This was despite earning more than me. If your DH isn't contributing to running the household properly this is why it's going to be so hard.
Does your DH work a lot more hours than you and that's why the rest falls to you? If so he probably needs to cut down hours to give him more time to do the other stuff that is overwhelming you