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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To desperately want to work part time but hate that I can’t

277 replies

HolyGuacamole28 · 11/03/2024 06:49

I have 2 DDs, 2 and 4. I’ve worked full time since both were 10 months, use a nursery. DH also works FT. I’m the breadwinner, earn alot more than H. I have to work full time to afford our lives. H is self employed and earns little. I’m burnt out, stressed, not performing at work and fed up. I do most of the early mornings and kid/house admin. I just work and then it’s kids (bedtimes are awful all round) no time for me. Can’t even find time for a hair cut. I’d love to work part time but it’s a fairy tale. Anyone been there to give me hope?

OP posts:
Original poster
HolyGuacamole28 · 11/03/2024 08:26

Calamitousness · 11/03/2024 08:13

Well, honestly. I doubt your marriage will last anyway. You don’t speak highly of him, I’ve been married over 20 years and I can’t imagine speaking about my husband like that. I worked FT when kids were young. it’s very do-able. At that time we earned equally around £50-60k each. So we both needed to work. Now he far out earns me and I’m PT but kids much older. The way it worked was having a clearly defined role for each parent that split the childcare/house. I would do the mornings. He did the evenings and meals and we split bedtimes. Then you’re not resentful and just get on with life with young kids which can be tedious because you’re focusing on their best times at weekends. It gets much better.

I’m not being horrible about my husband. Nothing I’ve said is untrue or spiteful. Just reality. I’d love to know how two FT workers with preschoolers is ‘do-able’? It’s hard. Why do you have to be so nasty?

OP posts:
Princessfluffy · 11/03/2024 08:26

DH needs to learn to drive and to find a way to earn more money, if self employed doesn't deliver this he needs to be employed.

What does he say when you tell him how you are feeling?

AnneElliott · 11/03/2024 08:28

I agree op that your DH probably needs to get a FT job. Potentially he can do a bit of his old SE work at the weekends?

3luckystars · 11/03/2024 08:28

I think this will probably come up a head soon as you will just burn out if you keep going like this, it’s very unbalanced.

Kelly51 · 11/03/2024 08:32

I suggest your DH gets his finger out, learns to drive, steps up adoring the house and childcare. Whatever his work is, it's not profitable and if it's been a few years it's not going to get better, he needs a rethink to up his earnings.

AnneElliott · 11/03/2024 08:32

LostittoBostik · 11/03/2024 08:18

I just want to give you the reverse, considering what some people are saying.

I am the mum, two young children, self employed and earn less than my DH (albeit not a big disparity like you). The general feeling by my DH that I should be picking up the entire mental load because I happen to work less is ruining my career. We can't afford a nanny or much after school care so I do all the PM school runs and my afternoons are trashed - I achieve v little after 2pm. I would earn much more (more than my DH probably) if I did exactly the same job but was not picking up the full slack elsewhere.

I totally understand your frustration and exhaustion and I'm not undermining it but you need to find a solution that doesn't undermine your DH's status as self employed. And you also need to be honest with yourself about how much money you would be spending on childcare if he wasn't. You might decide that investment is worth it if he wants to take a contracted job instead to boost your household income.

I think your situation is a bit different though. If you're picking the kids up and looking after them after school then you can't be working and making money at the same time (not if they're under 10 anyway). So your DH is being unreasonable to ask that.

But if your family is struggling like OPs then you should consider going into a job FT and putting the kids in ASC.

RandomMess · 11/03/2024 08:33

Seriously he cuts back on working hours and does everything for the DC and house bar driving to enable you to earn without burn out.

Doesn't have to be forever but for now it could take the pressure off. Does he earn enough in a day to fund nursery? If not he has them one day a week at home.

Something needs to give.

MsAsparagus · 11/03/2024 08:35

This is a no-brianer - if DH is bringing in very little money and spending most weekends “working” then he needs to quit and step in at home.

Merryoldgoat · 11/03/2024 08:37

My thoughts:

A self employed job that doesn’t make money is a hobby.

Why aren’t you sharing the load with your husband? Surely he can pitch in.

You are exhausted because you aren’t a team and all the work is falling to you.

Vod · 11/03/2024 08:40

You'd feel better if the house and child stuff were more evenly split.

Muu · 11/03/2024 08:43

Can you talk to him? If I knew my husband was going to burn out I would want to take the pressure off.

Ariela · 11/03/2024 08:44

Is there a reason your DH can't learn to drive? I would get him a few lessons, and consider popping him on your insurance and letting him practise driving you about.

FlippyFloppyShoe · 11/03/2024 08:47

I had someone like this, then we divorced and guess what, he suddenly found his motivation to earn more money.

travellina · 11/03/2024 08:54

Would you be able to go PT provided you could afford it? Or is it not possible in your role?
If the former, I would have the necessary conversations at work, work out a concept, and then talk to DH about how he could and would need to step up to make your lives work still. It wouldn't be good for anyone if you ended up burnt out. You must be feeling such pressure on you all the time.

showmethegin · 11/03/2024 09:06

Could you compress your hours? I work full time hours over 4 days so I don't lose any pay but I get every Friday off; it makes such a huge difference.

Also how long till you start getting free hours? If you are paying say 1k a month currently; once you get your free hours you could reduce your work hours then?

Alwaystransforming · 11/03/2024 09:08

So he wants to give his job a go. Works loads of hours but being very little money in.

To equalise things you work in a job that’s making you ill, work lots of hours and pick up most of the load. You are struggling.

So he gets to give this a go. At your expense? You pick up the slack with money, childcare, looking after the house? So he gets the luxury of giving it a go.

SunSparkle · 11/03/2024 09:09

What happens when you discuss your burnout with him? Would some couples counselling be a good way forward to surface the resentment and mediate to some solutions? You can’t carry on as you are.

Peekaboobo · 11/03/2024 09:09

I spent 20 years looking for a decent part time job without success. then the kids were grown up anyway and I still hadn't found one.

I just didn't work at all until I could work full time.

ViciousCurrentBun · 11/03/2024 09:15

Two of my friends have partners that are self employed, one is a builder and the other is a locksmith and both doing well. You haven’t stated what your DH business is. If it’s more of a hobby and the love of something and it’s been established years and it’s never going anywhere he needs to get a regular job instead of or in addition to his business.

Does he have a medical reason for not learning to drive, it seems like he needs to do deliveries, it’s just never going to work.

Oblomov24 · 11/03/2024 09:17

What job does he actually do? He's self employed, doing what? Something that doesn't make enough money. And that seems common sense to you? To him?

And he doesn't drive? Does he want to learn? Dh taught ds1 to drive, and then I took him out, and a few lessons, then he passed.

ClutchingOurBananas · 11/03/2024 09:26

Twiglets1 · 11/03/2024 07:59

The way you talk about your husband is not kind.

But he does need to pull his weight more such as taking the children to school in the morning or being responsible for putting them to bed so you can get some time to yourself.

Your first sentence is weird.

The OP is burnt out, at the end of her tether, doing all the work and bearing all the responsibility. Meanwhile he is playing at running a hobby business, wasting his time on that at the weekend rather than getting involved in family life (including the drudgery). He also can’t drive and that impacts on the OP who has to do all the ferrying around and his not profitable business because he can’t do deliveries.

It doesn’t look like he is being kind to his wife, does it?

Starspangledrodeopony · 11/03/2024 09:29

Your H needs to pack in his stupid vanity project, contribute properly to family life and to learn to drive. He needs to share the load. Otherwise bin him off and simplify your life for you and the kids. He’s contributing hugely to your near-burn out.

Twiglets1 · 11/03/2024 09:35

ClutchingOurBananas · 11/03/2024 09:26

Your first sentence is weird.

The OP is burnt out, at the end of her tether, doing all the work and bearing all the responsibility. Meanwhile he is playing at running a hobby business, wasting his time on that at the weekend rather than getting involved in family life (including the drudgery). He also can’t drive and that impacts on the OP who has to do all the ferrying around and his not profitable business because he can’t do deliveries.

It doesn’t look like he is being kind to his wife, does it?

Show quote history

No he isn’t being kind either which is why I said he needs to pull his weight more.

But the way OP speaks about him is so derogatory like saying she knows she didn’t marry well & “settled”.

It sounds like she despises him and the whole relationship sounds toxic from her side as well as his. I doubt they have a long term future tbh.

ClutchingOurBananas · 11/03/2024 09:37

Even if he has a medical reason for not learning to drive, it doesn’t make it not his responsibility to figure out how to get himself and his children to and from places.

I can drive but don’t currently have a car (because I can’t afford one). I manage to get myself and my kids where we need to be. Loads of people without cars manage this. Even if their spouse can drive, that doesn’t mean they have to be the non-driver’s personal chauffeur.

SenQuestion · 11/03/2024 09:43

It sounds like your husband doesn't help out enough. I also have a husband that can't drive, or cook or clean.
I am trying to juggle a full time PhD, an autistic 6 year old, a 1 year old. While being the only one who can drive. I also do all the school admin, shopping, most of the cooking and cleaning (other than dh occasionally putting frozen food in the oven). I totally get you on the burnout.
My dh earns okay to pay our bills, nothing luxurious though. So your dh sounds more useless than mine, and your situation more stressful. I couldn't imagine having to juggle it all and be the main breadwinner.