To desperately want to work part time but hate that I can’t

[HolyGuacamole28]

I have 2 DDs, 2 and 4. I’ve worked full time since both were 10 months, use a nursery. DH also works FT. I’m the breadwinner, earn alot more than H. I have to work full time to afford our lives. H is self employed and earns little. I’m burnt out, stressed, not performing at work and fed up. I do most of the early mornings and kid/house admin. I just work and then it’s kids (bedtimes are awful all round) no time for me. Can’t even find time for a hair cut. I’d love to work part time but it’s a fairy tale. Anyone been there to give me hope?

Only on MN do I often see husbands who insist on self employment that takes up all their time but often makes next to no money. Which either means he's bumming around and not doing much or he's not very good at it. Either way, I'd be telling him he has X amount of time to get an employed role and contribute equally.

' I do most of the early mornings and mid admin'

This is what needs to stop if your self employed DH can be flexible - he absolutely needs to take on more if he wants a wife that is in any way shape of form fun company to be around

I was in a very similar position until DH got full time work 4.5 years ago. Now we're both stressed and miserable instead of it being just me!

When my DH was self employed and bringing in very little money at least he did all the food shopping, cooking and clothes washing. Along with sharing all parenting duties.

Sounds like your DH needs to more and/or reconsider his employment options.

Something needs to give and looks like it needs to come from your husband.
Learning to drive and he needs to earn a wage.
He needs to do 50% of the workload.

I think Frank words and a deadline to turn the business round.
If it doesn't make money or enough to support a wage, then he is goimng to need to change.

Take a week off work, send the kids to nursery and take a bit of time for you.
Soon the children will be at school, so there will be more money in the kitty - but your DH will need to start doing those drop offs. Best he learns to drive now.

You've had a few threads about this now OP. It seems to me that you husband thinks he can do what he likes and it is your job to make life work for him. That's not OK. He needs to be pulling his weight and finding a job that works for you all. He could likely find a part time job without taking too much of a pay cut, save on childcare, life admin and make your life easier. It's not OK what he's doing but he likely isn't going to change. Life can be a long slog when you're not living the life you want.

Would your children not going to weekend classes help you? If they're classes that they love doing then obviously you couldn't stop them, but if the children aren't too bothered, then it would give you more free time. I agree with many on here. Your husband needs a part time job and reduce his self empmoyed hours. Does he have to work at the weekends? Could you share the school run with another parent? Complete a chart of who does what including laundry, children, cooking, budgeting, homework, cleaning etc and the time each thing takes a week. Sit together and work out what's fair.

If you are short on time

I have had very quick hair cuts during my lunch break, when I was at work

Or investigate a mobile hair dresser that can visit your home

Or tell your partner that you have an appointment & that he will need look after the children

What is he doing at home? Is he helping with housework, gardening, DIY etc?

Is his goal to build his business to become more profitable?

I don’t think you need to go PT tbh, you clearly can’t afford that luxury. Plenty of couples and single parents working full time. But…. As you both work FT you should both be equally responsible for the household. This is the discussion you need to have with him.

I disagree with everyone saying it’s DH’s fault you can’t work PT as he is a low earner. I’m sure he’d love to earn more! He works FT plus weekends, so he’s hardly being lazy and not trying to provide for his family.

Poor guy working hard, but not hard enough to support a PT wife so he’s the bad guy apparently.

If it’s any consolation, the ages of your kids is probably the most difficult it’s going to be. It will get gradually easier and easier as they get more independent. Especially once the youngest hits 3/4.

He needs to reconsider his employment and find something that pays better, and learn to drive.

I found that when people went part time their hours were just spread thinner and were all over the place . I would get a cleaner and pay someone to do the garden

I voted YABU because you’re letting yourself do too much here, your DH needs to do way more

There’s no such thing as “can’t cook or clean” only “won’t”. But hey at least he earns a reasonable amount.

Your DH needs to step up and support you. If he won’t, that says a lot about him.
And he’s got what sounds like a part time hobby job.
I knew someone in exactly this scenario, even to the not driving. In the end, they split. Sorry that’s not a positive post.

OP - if he doesn’t earn enough while working long hours that preclude him pulling his weight in family life - then he needs to change his job.

@SenQuestion
also have a husband that can't drive, or cook or clean.
it's not can't it's chooses not to as you're doing it all. Why allow yourself to be treated like this? fuck him right out the door, you're already managing without him.

I disagree with everyone saying it’s DH’s fault you can’t work PT as he is a low earner. I’m sure he’d love to earn more! He works FT plus weekends, so he’s hardly being lazy and not trying to provide for his family

But he's spending a lot of time earning not very much which is a luxury he can't afford in their circumstances.

From April NMW will be £22k pa, so if he's self employed he probably needs to bring in at least £25-30k to make up for lack of pension contributions, annual leave, sick leave etc.

Given they're paying high nursery fees they'll probably be better off if he pauses his self employment or does it very part time until the youngest starts school so that he can do all childcare, school runs etc and the majority of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, life admin etc.

Currently the OP is running herself ragged and he's doing little more than pissing about at a hobby job.

OP does he at least earn enough to cover nursery fees?

OK, OP, I get it, to a certain extent. I'm very much the one who keeps my family afloat financially, and have a DH who tends towards the workaholic side of things. Being the one with all the financial pressures is stressful even if you're really enjoying the job.

First, you're in the absolute thick of it right now. Toddlers are exhausting. Nursery is financially ruinous. It does get a whole lot easier, even if that easier feels a long way off.

Second, you can't put yourself at risk of losing your job/burning out for your husband's unprofitable labour of love. There are a couple of paths you can go down here, some more extreme than others, but you need to set some clear boundaries for yourself and your family.

One way is to set out the boundaries you need to make it manageable. Eg DH and I always split drop offs and pick ups equally; and split mornings and afternoon pickups so that no one person always had the morning hassle.

So you decide what would make your work/life balance tolerable. What jobs does he need take on from you to make things more tolerable for you? Is it partly getting the kids ready in the mornings before he starts his own work? Is it taking responsibility for most of the admin task, with absolute clarity of who's doing what? Is it not working any weekends?

Another option - perhaps supplementary to the above - is to agree a timeframe for his business to become profitable after which he will agree to return to the workforce.

And nuclear is - he has to give up the more than full time work that is bringing in hardly anything and simultaneously preventing him from pulling his weight at home. It sounds like you'd be better off with him as a SAHD.

But ultimately he needs to be part of the solution, and he has to see your happiness and wellbeing his kids' financial security as more important than his business. How does he respond to discussions about this?

Have you asked him about getting a day job and working on the business on the side, and using some of the day job income for driving lessons? What does he say if so?

There are far too many men who live a fantasy of running their own unprofitable business while their wives support them. It’s not an uncommon theme.

I would put a timeframe on it: if it doesn’t turn a significant profit within 12 months, it’s over and he finds a paye job.

I personally would end up fainting from burnout.

1. is his work likely to get him more money in the very near future?
2. is it even worth him working when you are paying for childcare?
3. can he not do his SE stuff on the weekends only and get a FT job?

You need to talk to him and give ultimatums at this point.

how do people manage working full time with young kids - they have better husbands who share the load more than yours who seems to do very little!!

She hasn’t given any info about his job other than it pays around minimum wage. I agree they should both contribute equally to household duties, which it seems he isn’t.

the OP is asking if she’s being unreasonable that she ‘desperately wants to work part time’. And his blaming her DH low income on the fact she can’t work PT. Sorry but that’s frankly ridiculous.

Maybe he could earn more (maybe not 🤷‍♀️), but that doesn’t mean the OP can just work PT. Neither of them seem to be high earners

It would be better if you didn't selectively quote what OP has said - she's also asked if anyone can give her hope, and, for absolute clarity, "I’d love to know how two FT workers with preschoolers is ‘do-able’?"

AIBU: I earn minimum wage, self employed doing a job I love but my DH wants me to get a new job so he can go PT, or give up my work to be a SAHM