To desperately want to work part time but hate that I can’t

[HolyGuacamole28]

I have 2 DDs, 2 and 4. I’ve worked full time since both were 10 months, use a nursery. DH also works FT. I’m the breadwinner, earn alot more than H. I have to work full time to afford our lives. H is self employed and earns little. I’m burnt out, stressed, not performing at work and fed up. I do most of the early mornings and kid/house admin. I just work and then it’s kids (bedtimes are awful all round) no time for me. Can’t even find time for a hair cut. I’d love to work part time but it’s a fairy tale. Anyone been there to give me hope?

if you are correct in your interpretation, she should reconsider the post title

Yep sure. But you can't edit post titles, so we are where we are. Conversations evolve, clarifications are made, we look at the whole picture if we want to be fair-minded.

Which bit of my direct quote from her do you think is not about wanting to make FT work?

I'm so sorry this sounds so tough.

My husband and I both work full time with little one and it's really hard with both people pulling their weight. My DH seems to do so much more than other husbands and I still find life quite tough with the juggle.

I would insisted your H learn to drive. I would insist he do at least 50% and should be more like 70% of get ups and bedtimes to support you.

I condensed my hours and now work 4 days per week but still get paid 90% of my salary which is manageable. My kids are at nursery/school on my non working day. I love 'my' day and this is when I get my haircut, meet friends for lunch, go for walks, relax and recharge. I can't ever imagine going back full time now as my work/life balance is so much better. It's hard work with little ones and if I hadn't carved out 'my' time, I'd burn out

Preschoolers who attend nursery all week definitely don't need to be doing weekend classes that cost time and money. Drop those immediately.

Your DH also doesn't need to be working weekends.

If your DH got a part time weekday job, took on more of the child admin and was around at weekends it probably wouldn't impact your finances too much but would give you more of a break at the weekends.

I don't think part time will help unless it's a totally different job, they and your colleagues will be expecting you to fit more than part time hours into a part time role and you'll end up working more hours than you think for less money anyway.

Out of interest what does dh do? It’s ok if you don’t want to say.

How can he work full time plus weekends and not be making a real profit?

Either he needs to work more efficiently or charge more.

But I'm also concerned about the fact he can't drive. That tends to be a rite of passage for a man.

Has he ever had a decent, well-paid job or is this a complete and utter failure to launch?

If he’s earning minimum wage but working all weekends and has apparently no time for domestic work, they’d be better off if he was on a 9-5 min wage job.

How can he work full time plus weekends and not be making a real profit?

Either he needs to work more efficiently or charge more.

Or get more business.

Men who are the breadwinners certainly don’t carry the entirety of the domestic and mental load as well.

I cannot understand the posters laying into the OP for being resentful that she carries them all financially, emotionally and domestically, while he fucks about playing at a business, refusing to get another job and doing fuck all at home.

You can't take a statistic out of context and scream inequality.

Many women are the lower earners because they physically have given birth and then bear the brunt of career and income damaging maternity leaves and childcare related time off (i.e. sick days).

Add to that, statistically most women - regardless of whether they stay at home, work part time or work full time, bear the brunt of domestic chores.

It would only be double standards if OP's husband had had a child-related career break which lowered his earning potential, and was now doing the majority of the domestic chores and childcare related tasks while also working full-time.

He's not, OP is. And OP's still the breadwinner. So there's no double standards just a lazy, inconsiderate husband and a burnt out wife.

I think you need to drop the dream of going part time for now. But you need to sit down with your husband for a serious conversation and say that he has given his business a fair go, but it obviously isn’t working and he needs to go back to employed work as you can not keep supporting the family by yourself.

See how it goes and then maybe in 6 months or a year you can look at dropping a day a week.

Does he bring in more than the childcare costs?

If not you are just paying for him to have an expensive hobby.

Your work will not know if you go to your GP. They don't and can't legally share information.

If he was doing this job because it enabled him to do all the domestic work and childcare as he was at home - the response would be very different. That would be fair enough.

They also do it with the agreement and acceptance of their partner, which isn’t the case here.

I think it's a matter of seeing what you can cut down on and if you can afford it - could you downsize, eat out less etc?

Could your husband get a different job or is there a way for him to earn more?

I worked full time since my kids were both ten months.So did my husband. The age gap was less than two years. It was tough but we worked as a team, communicated and literally shared every single task.

What is your husband‘s solution when you discuss this issue with him?

I have to agree with other posters that you don’t NEED to work part time, you just want to, all of the mums I know bar one work full time with partners also working full time. Being able to work part time is a luxury that sadly not many can afford, especially now with rising cost of living etc, it does (for most) take 2 full time salaries to support a household now unless one of them is 50-60k+. Your husband isn’t unreasonable for not earning enough to support you working part time.

BUT, you really need to be splitting everything else down the middle. If you’re both working full time then you both have the same amount of “none working time”, which won’t be much, so you really need to be working as a team with everything else house/life/child admin so that you both get some down time. You can’t work full time and then also be doing all of the housework, life admin, house admin, child admin etc without getting burnt out. If working less isn’t an option then you need to focus on the bits you can change.

Obviously your husband needs to do more around the home to take some of the load off you. That will help you to be less exhausted and hopefully cope with your workload. You also need a discussion together about whether there is any way for him to earn more, which might allow you to outsource some household tasks or for one of you to work part-time. You sound utterly miserable at the moment which isn't sustainable and, regardless of his earning-potential, a husband who cares for you should want to improve this situation.

Get your partner to be a SAHD, but only if you can trust him. That doesn't mean he has to do everything the way you want but a basic level of confidence in him is needed to do that.

My DP has complex CPTSD and quite bad social anxiety. He is so lovely though and being a SAHD suits us best. He wouldn't be a high earner or happy so it saves me the issue.

Sometimes I really miss working part time (there was a time in our life when he was at home and I was PT in the early years of our DCs lives and it was so lovely).

I remember to be grateful for what I have though, I've had 3 long mat leaves and many part time working patterns that have only relatively recently ended, and my PT working pattern only ended when I was working fully remotely so really I swapped one benefit for another.

You really shouldn't just be subsisting like this. Life is really hard at the moment, but your DH is making it harder.

As everybody has already said, he has 2 options to make your family life easier. He can give up on the SE venture and become a SAHP to your young DC, or he can give up the SE venture and get a job with an income which would allow you to go PT.

While the DC are young, I think you will regret not making the most of this pre school time. And once they are at school, things will be easier for both of you.

Is there any scope in your role for a flexible working pattern so you can take say, an afternoon a week off without dropping hours, or is there a possibility of doing some work at home?

Just wanted to say I have been in your situation and it is tough! It is very hard to not end up resenting your DH. I have managed over time to come to terms with it and accepted that I was happier with DH than I would have been as a single mum so to just get on with it and push any resentment aside. I try to view it as him having a lesser job enables me put in the hours to have a better career and this is important as a woman as I am not financially dependent on him if things don’t work out in future (like so many other mums I know are). But to do that you do have to ensure he is on board and pulling his weight and being effectively the default parent if kids are sick / need picking up etc to enable you to focus on doing your job.

Over time I have managed to work my way up in my company and get to a level where I now get to work from home often and flexibility to do pick ups / drop offs and see children more. You might not feel like it but lots of women do work full time whether they are the higher earner or not. You’re being a great role model to your children who will as they grow up appreciate the financial benefit of your job.

Do you work weekends? Normally cram everything into weekend like hair etc sounds like you def need a holiday - even if you have no money to go away a break from work might help.