OH unhappy about new working hours

[Jenny6753]

My OH has 8yo twins from a previous relationship. We now have a baby and I’ll return to work 2 days a week when she’s 8 months. I will work 1 weekend a month and this falls on the weekends OH has the twins (he has them every other weekend) - he’s unhappy that he will work all week then look after 2 children and a baby on his own for the weekend. He does a lot of travelling during the week and his job can be intense. He spilt up with his ex when the twins were 18months and had them on his own at a “difficult age” they have of course become easier with age but he now has a really negative mindset of looking after children on his own (I actually feel like they will be helpful with the baby) they are amazing with her now at 4 months and as they got older they will become even more helpful. He wants me to look for another job saying there will be loads of opportunities out there where I won’t have to work a weekend but I don’t want to spend the rest of my maternity job hunting. Is it unreasonable for him to look after all 3 once a month?

If he didn't want to look after 3 children then he shouldn't have made 3 children.

Ask him to stay home with you while you look after all the kids and then tell him how ridiculous he sounds. Congratulations on your new job. Don't let him ruin it.

No, he's being a dick.

I'm sorry but a man who cannot cope with his own children for two days and considers it a chore to do so, is not a man. He's an overgrown child.

Pre-empting your break up ? If he left when the twins were 18 months & your working hours don't work for him at 6 months how long do you think he'll stick around

How did he deal with the twins before you came on the scene?

Having said that, he is stressed and anxious,so support him by having a trial run, maybe pre prepare food etc. encourage him. Give him details of local play centres he can take them to etc.

This don’t sound like a good idea to me… the OP then ends up having to prepare food ect for the day and then plan the activities (no doubt pack things for him to take) and work. I imagine a ‘trial’ would become the norm.

He can 100% look after a baby and 8 year old twins. If the twins were 2 or 3, he could, but I see why he might find it a bit much, but 8 they are independent. One thing I do wonder though is what kind of relationship do you have with the twins. I mean if he only gets them once a month, and you aren't there for most of it, will that affect how they see you? If they have a good relationship with you now, and they don't get to see you often, and then you aren't there much when they could see you, might they be upset? Might they feel that now you have your own baby, they don't matter to you? Might this make them unwilling to join in with things with you and their half sibling?

wow literally no one thinks YABU op , it’s rare it’s so unanimous on mumsnet!

Oh ffs, here we go again. Another useless father who confuses being a parent with babysitting. He made three, he can look after three!

@Jenny6753 I haven't read all the other comments, but if nobody else has mentioned this, another reason you should not find another job is that you are significantly more protected by UK employment law in this job (where you already have a period of continuous service) than you will be in a new one.

I agree with the majority of people here than leaving your other half at home with his 3 children shouldn't be a big deal at all, but if it's really a problem you and he can't work around, ask your employer if they can arrange for your one saturday a month to be on a weekend he doesn't have his twins, because this is the sort of reasonable adjustment an employer should be able to make, and likely with enough notice, a colleague would be willing to swap weekends on a permanent basis. This protects your employment rights, and doesn't leave him at home with the kids.

I say this as a trade union rep :) if you have a union in your workplace, do please ask their advice for workplace specifics!

He’ll just have to look after his own kids on his own for one weekend a month then like loads of other parents do.

@Suze90 , ask your employer if they can arrange for your one saturday a month to be on a weekend he doesn't have his twins,
Er, how about Disney Dad rearranges his EOWs?

@FayCarew I literally say above that, that she shouldn't be in that position, but I want to give her another option, in case she feels trapped.

Her employer does actually have a responsibility to be flexible in the face of childcare, whereas her partner's ex can flat out refuse to change the weekend disney dad sees them. I do like the term disney dad though haha

He is Disney Dad. He offloaded parenting to the live-in housekeeper/nanny who he impregnated.

OP has not come back

I haven't RTFT

He's a fucking prick OP

He's their parent too

And presumably your employer would look to claw back any mat pay you've been paid too

You'd be a fool to look for another job - and to have any more children with this arse

He wants you to find another job so you can be there to look after HIS twins one weekend a month?!
What a selfish man and shit parent.

As we say here in Edinburgh, fucking bolt ya radge.

OP?

I'm not proposing she plan activities etc, just give him some suggestions to help him realises he's building this into something far worse than it is. I'm suggesting a trial run to help prepare him and guide him to minimise the stress. If she has the balls to rightfully refuse to change jobs and wrangle the kids, she can manage her big kid too, she is a capable woman.

He is either trying to bail out of HIS responsibilities or he is nervous/scared and needs some tlc to show him he has got what it takes. Thats not absolving him of his responsibilities, its considering that he maynot be a worthless shit and is just not good at realising he is the problem and there is a better solution, he just needs support to accept it.

She said he doesnt want to, not that he can‘t. His focus was he works all week, not that he cannot handle his children.

he’s unhappy that he will work all week then look after 2 children and a baby on his own for the weekend.
this isnt can‘t, it’s wont.

So he is complaining about parenting his own children and thinks you should change jobs so you can help parent his children once a month. He will call parenting that weekend babysitting next.

I’m starting to see why he split from his last relationship when the kids were little.

He should at least give it a go!

Looking after 3 kids all weekend alone can be pretty awful. Do you look after your DC midweek when you’re not working or get ‘time off’? I can understand he’d rather you be home and you can do things together as a family but this has to be balanced with your job priorities.

If he didn't want to ever have to solo care for 3 children at the same time, he shouldn't have had 3 children.

If he has that much of an issue with it, he could ask the twins mother if he can swap his weekend to one when you'll be around. But he absolutely cannot leave all 3 children with you alone at any time, because if he can't do it, why should you?!