OH unhappy about new working hours

[Jenny6753]

My OH has 8yo twins from a previous relationship. We now have a baby and I’ll return to work 2 days a week when she’s 8 months. I will work 1 weekend a month and this falls on the weekends OH has the twins (he has them every other weekend) - he’s unhappy that he will work all week then look after 2 children and a baby on his own for the weekend. He does a lot of travelling during the week and his job can be intense. He spilt up with his ex when the twins were 18months and had them on his own at a “difficult age” they have of course become easier with age but he now has a really negative mindset of looking after children on his own (I actually feel like they will be helpful with the baby) they are amazing with her now at 4 months and as they got older they will become even more helpful. He wants me to look for another job saying there will be loads of opportunities out there where I won’t have to work a weekend but I don’t want to spend the rest of my maternity job hunting. Is it unreasonable for him to look after all 3 once a month?

Is it unreasonable for him to look after all 3 once a month?

They're his kids!

How many people with three children look after them all together only two days a month?

It is not unreasonable; but is this job all you can get? I wouldn’t like to work on weekends either but if there is no other choice. It is not easy to find part time work

So the twins are his biological children that he only has every other weekend but doesn’t want to actually spend that time with them. What a fabulous father. Lucky them.

They are all HIS children. He is a parent. He needs to parent.

I get it’s harder when it’s just one of you but you matter too and your job matters too.

Seriously. This is extremely unfair on you. They are HIS children, and yes of course at times it can be hard, he will be manage. Of course he needs to get used to looking after all three of them. As we all do.

I would be very firm on this op, or you are going to be in an insufferable position by the time you return to work.

Shock, horror, father needs to look after his own children for two days once a month, what a calamity.

Absolutely nothing wrong with him looking after his kids on his own once a month! Shouldn’t be a big deal at all, you’re definitely not unreasonable. Just be careful not to expect too much in terms of help from the older kids though. They’re still kids not babysitters and if your OH uses them as childcare because he cba to look after the baby then resentment will build.

He has to look after his own children 2 days a month, I’m sure he can manage such a mammoth responsibility.

He should have thought about parenting 3 children before you and he had a child.

This!!!! He seems to think it is YOUR SOLE responsibility to adapt your job to look after not just your and his SHARED child, but also HIS children who are not even yours???!!! No.

He sounds like a petulant, unpleasant person who considers his priorities are superior to yours OP.
Very unappealing.

He has to grow up

To protect herself financially if they split up in future (which seems quite likely given how useless he is).

I agree that he's being pathetic. Does he fret about how you manage with the baby when he's doing all that travel? How his ex managed alone with 18 month old twins?

On the other hand, if the twins only get two weekends a month with him, they might resent the baby dominating that time and being unable to get much attention or do the things they're used to doing. If you can switch the weekends that they come so you're there, they'd have more quality time with their dad (and get to know the baby too).

If he has a negative mindset of looking after children on his own, I'm afraid that can only be because you facilitate it by looking after his kids for him up to now - he needs to learn how to do it by himself. Don't always help out with the twins, and make sure he's alone with your baby so he learns how to do it.

I'm more concerned that you even have to ask if it's unreasonable a parent has to look after their own children!

If you are working one weekend a month and he has he twins every other weekend surely it can't always fall on your weekend working? So how often in reality.

In some ways it sounds like it will be just tough. You may not get another job even if it was reasonable for you to look for one. Presumably in whatever you do weekend working likely to be required.

I also think going back to work is tough - physically and emotionally. I took a new job before going back to work as much nearer to home. Regret it very much. It was a wrench going back and I also had to met new colleagues, learn new systems etc. I really wish I had gone back to the job I knew and liked.

However that being said I am slightly going to go against the general tone of the thread. The age gap is large. It will perhaps not be noticeable just yet. Baby sleeps and can be at activities enjoyed by the 8 year olds at the minute but it won't even long before that gets harder. If he only has them 4 days a month then it does seem harsh that he won't be able to do things with them. Access is for them to spend time with him.

I get that he may be whining and have no idea if changing the weekends possible but I think that there is a grain of truth that this could cause problems. The solution though isn't simply down to you to be flexible with work.....he needs to think too how this could work

As others have said, he can take care of his children. I would also point out that the twins should absolutely not be used as pawns in this plan. They are children and to say they will take part of the burden of care is surprising in this day and age. He is an adult and parent.

I've come to realise different people have completely different images when someone mentions older children looking after younger children. Some people assume they are talking about the older siblings literally taking on the parents' role, having actual responsibilities, getting the younger children dressed, giving them their dinner, changing nappies etc., whereas other people are thinking of excited kids who are delighted to push the pushchair around the garden to get the baby to sleep, or play with the baby while the parent nips to the loo, or pass their mum the wetwipes while she's changing a nappy. When I acquired a baby sister, my other siblings, our cousins and I (boys and girls) used to argue over who got to take the baby for a walk in the pushchair or rock her to sleep as we all loved doing it. I'm assuming that is the sort of thing OP meant here from her phrasing (although it is true that what with how useless her husband appears to be, it could slide into the former scenario).

I'd tell him you plan tonteturn to work as agreed previously and don't want the stress of a new role at that point. You can review in a year or so when things have settled.

Also working weekends means HE will have to take less time off with a sick child ad surely he wouldn't be expecting you to take all the weekday sick days off work? 🤔

So his big important man job is just oh so exhausting, that it renders him unable to look after his three children one weekend a month. But the answer is for you to change your job 🤬
No! If his job is just so exhausting, then he is the one to look for a better job.

Seriously you need to tell him to grow up. If you choose to have 3 children then the consequence is that you have to parent said children when you are not at work.

Plenty of single parents work full-time and look after all their own children every weekend. And plenty of divorced Dads manage their big important jobs during the week and then have their children 50% or EOW. What makes him so special that he is unable to parent his own children?!

He really is pathetic.

Urgh, what a pathetic dickhead of a dad.

They're not married.

Is this a joke? Probably not; most men with kids from previous relationships finds new relationships for the sole reason of providing childcare for their kids.

Do yourself a favour OP and get rid...Also, the level of care he provided for his other 2 kids should have raised a red flag for you but you still went on and procreate with a man child. Sad.

A man that has an issue parenting his own children is not attractive. How much input does he have with the twins when they visit or are you left to do the work?

There's nothing for you to do here OP.

To OP's DP: If you have twins and a baby, and an intense job with lots of travelling maybe you should talk to work about reducing the amount of workload or travelling, so you can manage your caring responsibilities. After all, you only have your twins 4 days per month, and your other child's parent only works 2 days per week to accommodate your work schedule, so you've offloaded quite a lot of your share of the caring already and it's only fair they give you a bit of flexibility. Maybe you could work from home on that Friday and Monday around the weekend each month when you have all 3 children to make it more manageable. Or you could make those weekends ones where you invite friends with kids round - I find two adults and 5 kids sometimes easier and more fun than one adult and 3 kids. Maybe have a programme planned for those weekends that will make it easier for you e.g. Soft play, Lunch, Nap/TV time, Park, Dinner - having a plan for each day means the time will be easier to manage.