OH unhappy about new working hours

[Jenny6753]

My OH has 8yo twins from a previous relationship. We now have a baby and I’ll return to work 2 days a week when she’s 8 months. I will work 1 weekend a month and this falls on the weekends OH has the twins (he has them every other weekend) - he’s unhappy that he will work all week then look after 2 children and a baby on his own for the weekend. He does a lot of travelling during the week and his job can be intense. He spilt up with his ex when the twins were 18months and had them on his own at a “difficult age” they have of course become easier with age but he now has a really negative mindset of looking after children on his own (I actually feel like they will be helpful with the baby) they are amazing with her now at 4 months and as they got older they will become even more helpful. He wants me to look for another job saying there will be loads of opportunities out there where I won’t have to work a weekend but I don’t want to spend the rest of my maternity job hunting. Is it unreasonable for him to look after all 3 once a month?

LOL, no one has said this most jump in and say, "of course he can." FFS, not everyone, female or male has the capacity to look after three children

"he’s unhappy that he will work all week then look after 2 children and a baby on his own for the weekend."
Welcome to the reality of parenthood, my man! Plus, it's once a month only.

"He does a lot of travelling during the week and his job can be intense."
Well there's his answer. It's his own working hours he needs to address. Cue him wailing about necessary income, career prospects etc.! For change must never be asked of him.

Beware, @Jenny6753. I suspect what this man wants is for you to either not work and therefore be available to be his skivvy 'support' him 100% of your time, or that you get yourself a 'little' job with low income and zero career prospects in order to 'support' him 99% of your time. He will magnanimously allow you to not run after him for 1% of your time.

DO NOT GO LOOKING FOR ANOTHER JOB.

And do not allow yourself to become financially dependent on this selfish, selfish man.

*My OH has 8yo twins from a previous relationship.
Not married then?

We now have a baby and I’ll return to work 2 days a week when she’s 8 months.
OP presumably will be relying on OH's income.

I will work 1 weekend a month and this falls on the weekends OH has the twins (he has them every other weekend)
He has them two weekends a month.

- he’s unhappy that he will work all week then look after 2 children and a baby on his own for the weekend.
They're his children. He'll be on his own with his 3 children for approx 20 hrs a month.

He does a lot of travelling during the week and his job can be intense.
The big job. He probably gets to have spare time in the evenings to go to the gym and socialise while OP brings up their child.

He spilt up with his ex when the twins were 18months
Why did they split up?

and had them on his own at a “difficult age” they have of course become easier with age but he now has a really negative mindset of looking after children on his own
The ex probably looked after them on her own far more.

(I actually feel like they will be helpful with the baby) they are amazing with her now at 4 months and as they got older they will become even more helpful.
They are children - half-siblings not parents.

He wants me to look for another job saying there will be loads of opportunities out there where I won’t have to work a weekend but I don’t want to spend the rest of my maternity job hunting.
He could look for a job where he's home more. Why should you change your job because he can't be arsed to parent his children

Is it unreasonable for him to look after all 3 once a month?
No. They are his children. Two of them are not yours.

Ahhh diddums is my first thought.

Oh diddums, he has managed to create three kids, so I’m sure he can manage to parent them once a month. Fwiw a friend of mine is a single parent of three every single day… how does he think these people manage! Or any family of three kids!

If they were with him 24/7 he’d have to parent - so it’s ok for you to do it all after working plus doing everything?

Poor man baby. Hang on I’ll just find my violin..

@DistinguishedSocialCommentator , Why wouldn't a parent have the capacity to look after his or her 3 children for two days a month?

You seriously trying to tell me all parents have the same capacity?

When my ex stated rather pathetically when we were splitting up, ‘I’m not sure what my responsibility is as a father’ a social worker replied, ‘Well most people think about that before creating a child.’ If he didn’t have capacity to be a parent, he shouldn’t have engaged in the act that could create one!

Jeez.
I was away with Beavers last Fri-Sat whilst DH had our three kids aged 4, 4 and 8. In a week he's having them Fri-Sun and I'll come home to a tidy house and dinner. I'm taking all three to Wales alone Tues-Thurs. That's life. We made three kids. We look after them. He made three kids. He looks after them.

One of the big red flags is that he doesn't love his kids enough to want to spend time with them. He thinks of it as a chore that a woman should do.
Does he expect you to mind his twins at the weekend also?
I would start to quietly prepare your exit strategy from this man. There's a possibility he is doing the same, if he feels the life of fun he feels entitled to has been ruined by having a baby.
8 is a lovely fun age to have around a little baby. That would be a really sweet Saturday to look forward to for a lot of people, and that's what kids deserve.
The issue is much bigger than whether you need to find a new job really.

I'd go one further that when having a child, make sure you have the skills to house and feed it rather than have a baby with one, then another with another and then another and then go crying to the council cap in hand saying that their property is too small

Just because me and social workers that think and acts like me, never ensure every has the capacity. If they did, you'd not see the sad news about homeless kids, irresponsible parents/etc etc

I'm standing by that not everyone has the capacity

Sadly, we don't live in an ideal world and taxpayers like us pay for peoples woes and children lose out

Astounded you chose to even have a baby with such a man child. Surely you can see history repeating itself?! Walks out on twins and now kicking off he's got to mind his own 3 children for a weekend. Pretty grim.

He's being pathetic, but if it bothers him that much, he should ask his ex if they could change weekends.

But thinking about it, if you're working one weekend per calendar month, and he has his twins every other weekend, then eventually it'll go out of sync and you'll be working on a weekend when he doesn't have his twins.

Then you don't have three. I'd have more sympathy if he'd had one with the ex and twins with op, so the third wasn't anyone's plan. But he had two. If he didn't feel he'd be able to look after more than that, there's an op for that!

@DistinguishedSocialCommentator , he's an adult capable of holding down an 'intense' job. Why wouldn't he be able to look after 3 children for a few hours?
If he didn't have the capacity to look after the twins he wouldn't be having them EOW.

Of course YANBU. Imagine a mum complaining that she had to look after all three of her children by herself for two days a month, whilst her DP was at work - sounds ridiculous doesn’t it?!

Please don’t go looking for another job. If he didn’t want to look three children ever, then he should’t have had the third.

Seriously, are you being serious? That is a genuine question

FGS, what the ruddy heck has "holding down and intense job" got to do with parent skills?

Seriously, was you being serious when you posted that?

Yes I'm being serious. Someone at some point decided that he was fit to parent his twins two weekends a month.

Could you explain why you think he might not have the capacity to look after his own children for a few hours?

My brother has 4 children who he has full time by himself. There's also plenty of women in the same situation. He chose to have children he needs to step up and parent and support you to go back to work!

Putting the most positive twist on this I can think of but has it crossed your mind that given his last relationship imploded when the twins were babies, both parents probably have some very stressful memories of that time and looking after 2, let alone 3 kids. So now quite frankly it sounds like he is peeing his pants because its bringing back bad memories and you are the go to comfort blanket - the obvious (to him - not us) solution and he needs you to bail him out.

He needs to grow up and take some responsibility for HIS twins. Their mum copes on her own the rest of the month so surely he can manage a weekend. You will be working too and even when you aren't in paid work, you are looking after a baby and your home.

Having said that, he is stressed and anxious,so support him by having a trial run, maybe pre prepare food etc. encourage him. Give him details of local play centres he can take them to etc.

Its unreasonable to ask you to find another job on these grounds alone.

He won't be happy but he needs to be realistic. Stand firm, they are his kids, your childs step siblings so its to the benefit of all that he accepts the situation for what it is.

So the summary is: two women have brought into this world 3 children with a man who falls beyond the expected level of basic responsibility/competency to look after his own children. Take the job and build up your CV. He will find a way to screw you over even if you comply with his tantrum.

@NorthernSturdyGirl , they are half-siblings not step-siblings

I used to dread having to look after my kids on my own when DP was away. But tbh now I love it.
Get to set all the rules and break all the rules and do whatever we like!
He might be feeling a bit apprehensive but hopefully find he loves it. 8 year olds are so much fun and defo can help with the baby... my kids love babies.