To not want to look after all the cats without help when parents go on holiday?

[Umberbird]

My parents have got quite a few cats and want to go away abroad on holiday soon.

I’m very much an animal lover but due to a lot of mental health issues I do not feel that I’d be able to care for all of them without at least one other family member such as a sibling staying with me to help take care of them.

I’ve got no other extended family I’m in contact with, no friends due to my health, parents also don’t have friends, so literally no one else can help. Mother refuses to use pet sitters or catteries/kennels.

I also struggle massively with anxiety, which they don’t seem to have any regard for how this affects me. I know it sounds really stupid as an adult, but I’d feel completely anxious on my own trying to care for the animals.

I explained that it would be too much for me to cope with alone, and got called selfish and told I don’t want them to have a holiday which isn’t true.

I also told my mother that I hoped she wasn’t underhandedly planning to invite siblings and leave me home alone to care for them without any assistance.

Would I be unreasonable to just make myself completely unavailable if my parents expect to just drop the whole lot on only me, and exclude me from any of the holidays?

I realise I’m an adult and should be capable of life ect, but I do have care needs due to my health, and they are perfectly happy for one of my other siblings to join them on holiday, and not partake in any of these duties simply because this sibling ‘does not like animals.’ I do feel I get treated differently by them regarding a lot of things generally.

Am I being unreasonable in feeling annoyed about this, and like they shouldn’t have taken on so much responsibility to effectively drop on one other person because they are not willing to organise alternative care?

Would there also be any outside assistance I could access if made to do this? Or should I just say no and make myself scarce unless one of my siblings offers to stay and help too?

@Schoolchoicesucks I’d love that. But oh how they’d constantly say I’d done it on purpose so I don’t have to help them in future ect, and then will come the emotional blackmail of how they’re doing nothing for me in future if I need it. I do have to be careful despite the anger I feel, because I’ve got no one else. Why it was better to come and rant on here instead of at them.

@Kitkatcatflap Thats easy to say though I’m overthinking it when other people probably have swarms of family and friends who could help out if diagnosed anxiety took over too much and couldn’t function to get them what they need. (I have frequent panic attacks where my mind just goes blank)

I’ve got no one who gives a shit really. Thanks to ASD and trauma partly that makes a person shit at social interaction.

Look, you're angry with your parents, you feel they've abused you. You don't owe them anything. It's fine (probably healthy) to cut contact and seek therapy.

I guess that the request to feed their cats, which alone seems like a reasonable and minor favour, had been the straw that broken the camel's back.

It does sound a bit like you are angry they aren't taking you on holiday, or that you still feel like you need them to care for you. It's probably healthier to challenge those views. They don't actually owe you that either.

Nothing would induce me to clean one litter tray, never mind 5. Ugh.

Great, nobody’s forcing you 👍

@Stompythedinosaur I’m not saying they owe me a holiday. Tbh couldn’t give a flying fXXk about their holiday or even hearing about it when they show zero interest in anything I do anyway.

Yet funny whenever I want to go on holiday with siblings who are not as bad as them this is always challenged. I don’t dictate to them where they can and can’t go, so they shouldn’t dictate what I do with my life.

The main issue here is them controlling me and my life just because I’m classed as disabled. Yes I need care but plenty are disabled and have care yet still have their own lives too. I should be no different.

They still see me as a child who will bend to them despite being in my early 30’s. It has to stop.

@MaloneMeadow The cats are just the tip of the iceberg.

@MaloneMeadow I don’t feel the way I do to demonise anyone. My feelings are very justifiable.

I agree. I used to have five cats, the time it took to care for them each day was minimal. The cats may well "pine" but they will be okay.

Why do you need someone to care for you while they are away? Your parents are entitled to a holiday.

If you are disabled and need care, then don't you have caregivers in case you have an emergency?

I come from a rough background. Really rough.
My sister has bipolar and bpd also probably due to trauma, I have/had anorexia, OCD, and ADHD.

We grew up really fast although not together. We both were raised in hard homes.

My point stating that is just to clarify I understand trauma.

However, you are an adult now. If you want a job, then get a job.

Your parents likely parent the way they are due to their own experiences growing up.

You can break the cycle though. You can't keep blaming them for your life.

You are handing over your control. You need to focus on what kind of life you want, and then go and get it.

How they react isn't under your control. You can only control how you react.

If looking after the cats doesn't appeal to you or is inconvenient - then say no. Favours are not obligations.

You saying 'no' isn't giving you the power to stop them taking a holiday . It might be more convenient for them and (if you are fond of these pets) nicer for the cats if you said 'yes' but this isn't a huge thing.

(The task doesn't sound very troublesome to me - but I don't know much about cats and I am not you.)

Your feelings about your family and friends are something separate.
I get the impression you would like to go on the holiday but that you also disapprove of them going. It sounds like a difficult situation.
I glad that you have outside help dealing with those feelings.

I think, if this situation has given you the push to break free, that's great. Get your practice in saying no when people dictate your life. Arrange your own care, so you aren't depending on them. It sounds like things have become unhealthy, and you're feeling the need for a change.

No water then? Cats generally need feeding twice a day and indoor cats hate a dirty litter tray.. so I don't think one 10 minute visit a day is enough to be honest.

Your situation sounds really hard and bleak, OP. Have a look at this thread:

January 2024 - Well we took you to Stately Homes www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4991681-january-2024-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

People there will understand what you're experiencing. AIBU isn't the place for complex family situations.

It sounds like you don't want to do this favour because you can't stand your parents, resent your siblings and blame everyone around you for your mental health, but won't break ties with your parents because you rely on them (Money? Housing? Not sure). What is your long term plan OP? You need to break out of this cycle of thinking you can't do anything and it's everybody else's fault, even if you are justifiably upset at your parents.

YANBU @Umberbird I wouldn't be doing it either. My BIL and SIL are going away for 2 weeks in September, and want me to go and live at their house for the whole 2 weeks to babysit/look after their cat! I don't know WHY they can't just get a local petsitter. There are loads where they live.

The cat does NOT need someone living in with them for 14 days FFS. No cat does. Said cat sleeps 16-17 hours a day, and runs off when me and DH visit them (we visit them maybe once a month.) Cat is not a friendly affectionate one, so you couldn't even sit there fussing it and snuggling up to it.

There are quite a few reasons I don't want to do it...

1. I have my own home to look after.

2. I have my own cat. DH works full time and I work from home - so I'm always there with her/for her, and she would be alone all day if I spent 2 weeks away. Why is it OK for my cat to be alone but not theirs?

3. I have DH. (he works 15 miles north of where we live and they live 17-18 miles south of us) - so he can't just 'pop in' and spend a few hours after work, or pop in at lunchtime. As lame as it sounds, I would miss him, and don't want to spend a full 2 weeks away from him, and on my own, in a place that isn't home..

4. I work from home, and BIL and SIL say 'just WFH here,' but all my stuff I need for work is in my home and I would need to lug it all there.

5. I take a number of meds and would need to take them all with me. As well as 2 weeks worth of clothes and cosmetics and toiletries.

6. DH and I only have one car and we share it, and he would need it for work, so I'd be stranded there with no car. Closest shops are a mile and a half, or a 15-18 minute bus ride.

7. SIL's parents and 2 brothers live 5-10 minutes WALK from them, so they could pop in and visit the cat once or twice a day, and even stop overnight with it. So why ask me?

8. It's a CAT. Cats don't need someone staying with them 24/7, for 2 weeks. They sleep three quarters of the day virtually, and they just need someone to pop in for 10 minutes twice a day to feed them, and check the litter. It's not an option for me to do that, as it's a 35 mile round trip. Not doing THAT twice a day. Plus, I do actually work, albeit from home!

9. I would be unable to take the cat to the vet if it was ill as I would have no car, and also the cat won't come to me, so I wouldn't be able to get it in the cat basket!

10. I don't want to do it.

I have said 'I will struggle to do that I think... It's a bit of a big ask...' but BIL said 'well we'll talk about it closer to the time. I'm sure you'll be able to do it.' Next time it's mentioned, I will say a flat 'NO, I am not doing it.' If they ask why I will say 'so many reasons, but the main ones being I have my own home, my own cat, and a JOB, and I don't want to do it. It's too much for me, and no cat needs someone living there. Also, your parents and siblings live a stone's throw way so ask them!'

I only got a few posts in, have you got a diagnosis op? Possibly eubpd? Or similar? I urge you to seek out therapy to help with all these feelings.