To not want to look after all the cats without help when parents go on holiday?

[Umberbird]

My parents have got quite a few cats and want to go away abroad on holiday soon.

I’m very much an animal lover but due to a lot of mental health issues I do not feel that I’d be able to care for all of them without at least one other family member such as a sibling staying with me to help take care of them.

I’ve got no other extended family I’m in contact with, no friends due to my health, parents also don’t have friends, so literally no one else can help. Mother refuses to use pet sitters or catteries/kennels.

I also struggle massively with anxiety, which they don’t seem to have any regard for how this affects me. I know it sounds really stupid as an adult, but I’d feel completely anxious on my own trying to care for the animals.

I explained that it would be too much for me to cope with alone, and got called selfish and told I don’t want them to have a holiday which isn’t true.

I also told my mother that I hoped she wasn’t underhandedly planning to invite siblings and leave me home alone to care for them without any assistance.

Would I be unreasonable to just make myself completely unavailable if my parents expect to just drop the whole lot on only me, and exclude me from any of the holidays?

I realise I’m an adult and should be capable of life ect, but I do have care needs due to my health, and they are perfectly happy for one of my other siblings to join them on holiday, and not partake in any of these duties simply because this sibling ‘does not like animals.’ I do feel I get treated differently by them regarding a lot of things generally.

Am I being unreasonable in feeling annoyed about this, and like they shouldn’t have taken on so much responsibility to effectively drop on one other person because they are not willing to organise alternative care?

Would there also be any outside assistance I could access if made to do this? Or should I just say no and make myself scarce unless one of my siblings offers to stay and help too?

@RandomMess I have reached the end of my tether with them. I’m sick of them controlling me and my life, encouraging me to stay single, not have children, not have a job, not have self respect. I’m done.

You clearly have major issues with your parents. You're upset with them going on holiday because they won't then be about to look after you but conversely you say you don't want them getting involved in your life because it may inhibit your future employment/life opportunities and will stop you from getting better. The cats seem like collateral damage in this mess. At the end of the day they've asked- you need to just say no you're not prepared to cope on your own.
Sounds like there's huge joint back issues here, maybe your parents need time away on their own to regroup? Maybe they're unreasonable? Only you really know and I doubt you're saying.

OP kindly, you are being ridiculous to expect them not to go on holiday until all of their pets are dead.

It doesn’t seem like you really know how you feel about your parents yourself to be honest? One moment you’re annoyed and upset you have been excluded from the trip, the next you’re saying how terrible your parents are and that you don’t really want a relationship with them? Why would you want to go away with them if that’s the case it doesn’t make sense?

You also are annoyed at them going rather than staying to “look after” you- presumably you’re an adult? You don’t need to be looked after? It does all seem a bit like you just don’t want them to go on holiday for your own reasons.

@neilyoungismyhero Im trauma bonded due to years of psychological and physical abuse. I have Psychiatrists I have to see frequently due to it all. It is time to break free of it all, have a life of my own I’m done. It’s likely why I’ve snapped regarding this ‘simple’ ask.

When my cat was in her last few months no way would I have gone away. She was very bonded to DH and I.

Unless they are either financially supporting you or housing they can only control you to the level you allow yourself to be controlled. They may be terrible parents but you need to take responsibility for yourself now and stop blaming them .

• housing you

They don't want you to work or have partners? How do they manage that level of control if you don't live with them? But you also want to go on hols with them?
My adult DC don't want to come anywhere with me! Not because I am a terrible parent, but because they don't want to.

@Mrsttcno1 Im likely trauma bonded due to years of emotional and physical abuse. It’s not that I don’t expect them to have a holiday, that’s ridiculous in fact I couldn’t care less. They’ve always been selfish and seem to want me when it’s convenient. Is it really so bad to have had enough?

@Missmarplesknittingbuddy They aren’t housing me, in fact they attempted to make me homeless all so GC could have my room.

You're parents are probably the reason why you have so many mental health challenges.

They will make you feel as though it is your responsibility but it isn't, they need to organise a house sitter.

@PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister Think tbh the issue runs far deeper and lies with them, wanting me when convenient yet disrespecting me other times.

@RedRobyn2021 They are. I have to see Psychiatrists regularly as my mental well-being is so fXXXed.

@RedRobyn2021 I’m frequently gaslit. I may be cast in role of family scapegoat.

OP, if you don't want to or don't feel able to look after the cats then you need to tell them bluntly and forcefully that you won't be doing it and they need to make other arrangements.

However, making out that feeding and changing litter twice a day for a few cats is a massive ask from a close family member, or that people who have pets shouldn't go on holiday while their pets are alive is incredibly unreasonable.

Clearly there are massive issues in the relationship and backstory here. I am glad you have some psych support and hope this will enable you to disentangle from the strange overly reliant yet resentful relationship you have with your parents.

@Lentilweaver I’m trauma bonded, it’s honestly a very difficult situation. I am seeing Psychiatrists.

They clearly are responsible owners if this is the first time this issue has occurred.
I wouldn't want to put my cats in a cattery either, not because of money but because they would hate it and it’s best they stay at home.

@Lentilweaver I’ve got CPTSD and BPD due to trauma.

What is trauma bonded?

What would happen if you said no?
Perhaps to make it easier for yourself no, I won't be doing that. I'm actually on holiday that week as well so I literally won't be anywhere near there.

this says it best.

@EmilyTjP Think the main real issue is their treatment of me, why I am justifiably so angry.

@Schoolchoicesucks I’d do it for the animals that I love dearly, but my parents can stay out of my life and choices from now on or I think I’ll snap and have a mental breakdown, end up in hospital if I don’t sort my life out soon.

@EmilyTjP It is where you are kind of attached to a person because they had so much power over you. It’s not as easy as just ‘snapping out of it’ probably going to need a lot of therapy.

You do expect them not to have a holiday, you’ve said in your previous replies:

”I personally don’t feel they should be going until they have passed”, so yeah, you do expect them not to have a holiday.

You’ve also said in a previous post “equally who’s caring about me whilst they are away”, it is very centred around yourself. You say your parents are such a nightmare but yet you don’t want them to be away because you feel they should be taking care of you? You’re an adult. You seem to see yourself or at least want to portray yourself as a child who needs looking after and is incapable of looking after these animals, but then you criticise your parents for trying to control you?

You’re making comments like “kids/animals tie you down” and that that should be stopping them going away, from my understanding their “kids” are all adults aren’t they? So not a tie? And animals do not stop you having a holiday, almost everybody I know with pets still has holidays! You just ask a family member or pet sitter.

If you don’t want to do it then okay and say that, no is a complete sentence, but don’t make out it’s unreasonable or terrible of them to want a holiday just because they have pets and adult children. That’s the reality of half the country, there’s nothing wrong with it.

I think it’s clear you have wider issues with your parents and you’re latching onto this holiday/pet sitting as a result, honestly the holiday and the cats are not the hill to die on.