To not want to look after all the cats without help when parents go on holiday?

[Umberbird]

My parents have got quite a few cats and want to go away abroad on holiday soon.

I’m very much an animal lover but due to a lot of mental health issues I do not feel that I’d be able to care for all of them without at least one other family member such as a sibling staying with me to help take care of them.

I’ve got no other extended family I’m in contact with, no friends due to my health, parents also don’t have friends, so literally no one else can help. Mother refuses to use pet sitters or catteries/kennels.

I also struggle massively with anxiety, which they don’t seem to have any regard for how this affects me. I know it sounds really stupid as an adult, but I’d feel completely anxious on my own trying to care for the animals.

I explained that it would be too much for me to cope with alone, and got called selfish and told I don’t want them to have a holiday which isn’t true.

I also told my mother that I hoped she wasn’t underhandedly planning to invite siblings and leave me home alone to care for them without any assistance.

Would I be unreasonable to just make myself completely unavailable if my parents expect to just drop the whole lot on only me, and exclude me from any of the holidays?

I realise I’m an adult and should be capable of life ect, but I do have care needs due to my health, and they are perfectly happy for one of my other siblings to join them on holiday, and not partake in any of these duties simply because this sibling ‘does not like animals.’ I do feel I get treated differently by them regarding a lot of things generally.

Am I being unreasonable in feeling annoyed about this, and like they shouldn’t have taken on so much responsibility to effectively drop on one other person because they are not willing to organise alternative care?

Would there also be any outside assistance I could access if made to do this? Or should I just say no and make myself scarce unless one of my siblings offers to stay and help too?

@Umberbird if you don't give a fuck what other people think, then why start the thread???

No we don't know your entire life story, but there's obviously a lot of resentment & anger.

id just move in while they're away. You said holiday (but not how long for??), but it's not like they're moving overseas.

of course pet owners are allowed to go on holiday.

You're switching between them helping/not helping you. So, think carefully about how you'd get in without them helping you, if you're sure you'd be ok, then tell them 'no, they'll need to book a cat sitter'. I'd have no problem looking after 5 cats.ive done 5 dogs I'd do it if someone was really really stuck, but it's a lot of work. Cats 💁🏻‍♀️

@Schoolchoicesucks They’ll use it forever against me though if I do say no, as I believe I’m probably cast in role of family scapegoat. Maybe I’ll feel better about doing it if I’ve also got somewhat of a life of my own as well, such as being able to make friends, enrolling on a course.

Look, if you're angry with your parents and don't want to do them a favour, that's 100% reasonable. Just say no.

But it isn't a huge favour in my book. It's a stretch to say you aren't up to feeding a cat. I'm a huge animal lover, but I think a cat will be fine assuming it's needs are met, and the idea of cancelling all holidays is excessive.

Feeding pets is a regular (not huge) favour to ask in my family.

One of the biggest causes of anxiety is the centering of oneself and making everything about you. Once you understand that not everything is about you, you are more able to cope with life, you then develop better capacity and resilience because you're able to put things in perspective. Ie not be so dramatic and intense

I speak from decades of experience of managing my own anxiety

Sounds like them casting you out would be bloody freedom.

"Parents, I won't be able to look after your cats for you while you're away. I won't be providing any care at all for the duration of your holiday. You need to employ someone to care for them. If you choose not to and leave them alone expecting me to give in because of my love of animals, I will inform the RSPCA, who will look after them for you. The consequences of this, I don't know."

This. OP’s argument and attitude sounds more like something I’d expect from a young teenager. The switching between claiming that her parents control her too much yet also don’t look after her enough is quite a bizarre mentality for an adult

They are going to moan and complain about you anyway?

I don't understand op.

How are your family stopping you having a job or enrolling in courses?

@SpringSprungALeak Well I started it because freedom of speech which we all have.

Also better to come on here and have a rant than start shit with them, when I ‘rely on them.’

True, people don’t know my full story. Think my main issue is they seem to need me when convenient yet disrespect me otherwise.

Equally who could put up with that? Tbh I’m a saint putting up with stuff as long as I have done. I’ve been loyal to them also by not running away as so many others would have done.

Will take your suggestions on board.

Just go and feed the cats , you could get away with doing it even once a day if you put a whole tin out for each and copious dry food and water. , let them have their holiday. *Be kind.

@bravelittlesmile They keep putting me down, telling me I won’t cope with it. Yet always encouraging my other sibling.

Probably true I couldn’t, but we can all learn from past mistakes and layoffs. What’s the alternative? Living off benefits forever with people always judging you for it? That’s what they believe I should just do, and ‘be grateful for the money I get’ it’s a lifeline, but shouldn’t be a forever choice I feel.

I’m also trauma bonded in which I feel I need their permission to be happy. It’s kind of like I’m manipulated.

True I’ve got conditions, but there’s always medication which can help.

I wouldn’t do it, no. They don’t sound very nice at all. If they would invite siblings on holiday but expect you to stay and care for cats, they don’t sound nice people.

Maybe you could develop “not liking animals”

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing Spot on, exactly my point. And yet some people on here seem to think I’m in the wrong somehow.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing I couldn’t ever not like animals though, that wouldn’t be me at all.

@flutterby1 Why should I *Be Kind towards people who aren’t kind to me?

‘Running away’?!

Seriously OP, get a grip. You’re not a child

I can see it seems natural to blame your parents for everything that has gone wrong with your life, but it's not going to help you. By all means don't mind the cats, but blaming your parents for your entire adult life is self-defeating.

@RandomMess Which brings me back to my point of if they are going to moan about me, why should I help them? I’ll do it just for the animals sake if anything, not for them.

It sounds like a very difficult situation for you and like it might not be about the cats? Looking after cats isn't that big a deal. When we go away, our neighbours feed ours - we're not trying to manipulate them or prevent them from having a life, we just want them to feed that cats and they are kind enough to help out.

@Lentilweaver If you’d have had that level of control, been built up to believe you are nothing and nobody, been harshly punished physically and mentally, called names like a bitch, a freak for your difficulty by people who are meant to love and care for you, having to see countless shrinks and doctors and hospital appointments as an adult because of it, you’d still be justifiably angry at them as an adult. I know the way I am mostly came from them.

Probably best you say no OP.

TBH I think you should say no, they can pay a pet sitter, use a boarding cattery, ask friends and other family.

Hopefully they will stop speaking to you over it...

Cats only need food, water and outdoor access. This can be limited if no cat flap. Or none of they are indoor. Then it's just flushing the poos and change the litter, if they can't poo outside.
Do your parents have a cat loving neighbour who could pop in and see them occasionally alongside you? You could put a request on a local community group as lots of people really love cats.

@oldgreysquirrel It’s not really about the cats, you’re right. These people think it’s ok to control my entire life. What if I do it once and they keep expecting it? What, so if I get a job I’d have to potentially jeopardise it to constantly be home to do tasks for people who caused a lot of my issues in the first place?

How old are you OP? Are you financially dependent on your parents. I assume you must be as if you are “trauma bonded” as you say, why are you in contact with them?

It sounds as if you don’t like your parents so why would you want to go on holiday with them? Wouldn’t you prefer the company of the cats?

Looking after five isn’t hard. They just need to leave you with enough food and some instructions.