Walked out of mother's day lunch

[BigBreaths]

I probably am BU

3 teenaged sons, 1 daughter.
Cards and gifts organised by DH from the 3 at home. Text message from the one at uni.

For my treat I wanted to go to the garden centre to get bedding plants and have lunch.

2 boys didn't want to come.
DH and DD came. DH bought his seed potatoes to plant.
Cafe was busy, we had to wait a while for a table. DH told me off for waiting near the tables "loitering trying to get people to leave" (to be clear I wasn't standing over any one table, just standing within the cafe area).
Finally sit down, looking at menu, DD decides what she wants, DH looks, says "I'll have sausage and chips". I tell him what I would like. He makes it clear he isn't going to the counter while having a face like a slapped arse. I say it's mother's day so i would appreciate it if I didn't have to queue and order, and anyway what would he do if I weren't there? Him: "I wouldn't be in here. I hate these sort of places. They make me very uncomfortable".

So I said right, let's leave then, you aren't going to enjoy it. He says don't be silly. I say no, it's ruined now, and head off.

In the moment I felt really upset that of my whole family, 2 didn't bother coming at all, my other son didn't bother sending a card, and my DH couldn't put himself out to go and order or hide his dislike of my "treat".

As we got home, my neighbour was being taken out to lunch by her family. Most ironic.

totally agree

Next year we're all coming with you. I'll get there early to bagsy the tables then we'll sort what we all want to eat & two can go & load up trays. I'll sit at the table reading the book l'll have had for Mothering Sunday. & nursing a mug of tea while gardeners can shop. Then afternoon tea (with alcohol) & cake then home. A good day with no petulance!

What are you even on about? A walk around a garden centre with lunch doesn’t take 8 hours?
God, the low expectations on this thread are so sad.

We have 3 children and my DH never arranges anything for Mothers Day as he tells me "you are not my mother". Bell-end !!

Love all you vipers!

He's not. The dh should only help to arrange if the kids are young .,..............

Good to hear the update, I hate the whole Mother's day debacle but I think it should serve the purpose of reminding children/husbands of how much you do for them. Hope the meal was a success.

Buy now and start them indoors or somewhere very sheltered, if there's space a bathroom is good.

You’ve just made your family feel like shit though op. They didn’t wish to go to lunch at the garden centre, then you had a tantrum, walked out and now they are making you dinner as it’s all so awkward.

if you’ve bigger issues In uout marriage about caring for these 5 people all day every day and taken for granted as you say, then address that. Why at their age do you do absolutely everything as you’re saying and they all treat you like this?

@Beefcurtains79 breakfast at home for Mother’s Day let’s say 9am then wash up the dishes and get ready to go to garden centre - probably minimum 6 hours gone. I hope my children want to schlep around a garden centre when they’re teenagers but I wouldn’t blame them if they didn’t. I would be more inclined to pick a day out that everyone would enjoy if I was bringing the whole family.

yes and now its a forced thing that they are now running about after you at home because of your tantrum, that's worse ! Why not just go to the garden centre with your husband , much more relaxed and the kids could have then felt less pressure and probably made you a cuppa at home !

I'm glad your family sorted themselves out. I think it's often best to speak up, so well done for doing it and getting a realisation from them.

Given it was the husband who caused the damn issue in the first place how is this advice even relevant?

I didn’t complain about it. I am secure in the knowledge my children love and appreciate me. I don’t need a £3 card to make me believe it.
This is such a weird British belief.

I have 3 children and I find the Mother’s Day expectations very tedious. He’s a moody teenager and he has come along on a trip he didn’t want to. Mother’s Day doesn’t render you unable to queue etc. sounds like you received an appropriate amount of recognition from your children and your expectations are unreasonable

This is the first response.

I also have three children, and I expect my children to grow up having some consideration for others, how they might not especially want to do something, but that as the 'ask' from them in the rest of their life is very very small, that they might deign to spend some time with me one, or maybe even two (!) days a year. As I am a mum, I also make sure I tag on stuff they'll want to do (lunch out and shopping for clothes for them) as I also recognise that compromises sometimes need to be made.

I find it quite upsetting that so many people are completely content to accept that if their partner or children don't want to do what they want to do, then there is no expectation at all that they might put themselves out for her.

And to be clear, I'm not talking just about Mother's Day. I'm talking about birthdays, Christmases; any time where effort is required and is so often not made for the mother of the household.

Absolutely. And if she’s got as big problems as she’s makes out, then address it and deal with it properly. Not kicking off and bullying them to do everything she wants for the day,

@Busybee44 are you joking? You do realise that it’s the husband who caused the whole debacle? The OP’s DD was absolutely fine. And your suggestion is to go to a garden centre again… with the husband 🤦🏼‍♀️

Gosh yes it's a hundred times worse. That's the kind of thing that kills love.

I’m gathering my thoughts for an insightful response to OP but meanwhile I do have to say @Chaneltheft YOU HAVE BEEN HANDED YOUR ASS. Good job MN sleuths.

I wonder if it’s a case of misery loves company so we will drag you down here with us? I am glad @BigBreaths raised the bar and then was not disappointed in the end - I think home cooked meals are nicer too. It shows the importance of speaking up.

YANBU @BigBreaths

If it makes you feel any better, I’ve just spent most of the day in bed. DH did make a token cake, and got me some fake flowers. No card from him - only the children. I’d organised everything for his Mum, and my Mum. He spoke to his Mum on the phone like he ‘knew’ what was sent.

One DC just came down looking incredibly grumpy this morning, and didn’t say anything much but then gave a card.

That DC them had a massive unreasonable go at me when I tried to help with homework, and DH did nothing to support.

Mother’s Day is a joke. It‘s just a day that highlights that DH doesn’t really give a fuck.

But they did make an effort. They gave her gifts and wished her happy Mother’s Day. Forcing them all to then do things they don’t want and cook for her as she’s marital problems, is not ok. If she does everything as she says and they take her for granted , that’s horrible and she needs to deal with it.

Bullying?! Oh fuck off. It's not bullying to express a wish to do something and to hope that your husband doesn't get a cob on about having to do something he wouldn't necessarily have chosen to do for a couple of hours.

It is bullying when you strop off and throw a tantrum if you don’t get your way.

yes because the pressure of wanting the entire family to go caused this!