To think this was massively out of line

[Linguines]

DH just randomly smacked me so hard on the arse that it almost reduced me to tears. There is a huge handprint on my bum now and I just feel bit like, what the hell? why did he do that? why did he think that was ok?

Use your words and discuss it with him.

Report him for assault it's clear he did it intentionally to hurt you.

Use your eyes and read the OP's update.

Good! Well done for realising this!

he explicitly told you that he wanted to hit you in the face. He wanted to hurt you. And if he got away with it once (which is surely the case in his opinion) he will do it again. Get out before this escalates!!

If he was 'joking' he would have been really contrite and apologised for hurting you. Saying it was that or a punch in the face is an escalation, probably because you've tried to call him on it. He's telling you he's willing to get violent to get what he wants. My XH was very aggressive and scary and started breaking things out of what seemed like nowhere at the time. Over the years that followed I began to see the things he'd done before that, the gaslightling and the controlling behaviour. It didn't look like I thought abuse looked. The controlling behaviour was subtle and Id adjusted my behaviour so much that he didn't need to do it often to get what he wanted. The fact you haven't realised doesn't necessarily mean there hasn't been things before this.

DP used to lightly spank - he enjoyed this and it wasn’t an issue for me. Until one day he misjudged and it sounded similar to this - pretty much put his whole weight (15st) and height (6 ft 4) back into it and smacked me across the room. Bloody hurt, really stung, killed the mood for a long time as I couldn’t understand misjudging to that degree. That’s bad enough but doing it with no warning is not okay - not at all. If everything else is well and he’s usually loving and caring all to him and Make sure he knows this is not acceptable.

Show him a photo of the mark if possible and say something like ‘when you slapped me then I don’t know if you were trying to flirt or something but it was extremely painful, I felt like crying, don’t do it again please’ and the ever important ‘why?’ Seems like you need an honest little talk about that.

@Plantmother71 Read the update. He said it was that or a punch in the face. This is not "light spanking" gone too far, this is a violent man.

Ditto @Annymania

My jaw genuinely dropped when I read your update about it being that or a punch in the face. That is not normal @Linguines. And I think he has proven to you that he meant to hurt you.

Have you got a friend who can help you take a photo of your backside? Sounds silly, but honestly I think he is dangerous and having some evidence of that while you get your shit together wouldn't hurt.

This might sound crazy but my partner says that kind of thing to me all the time. If so and so doesn’t happen, I’ll punch you in the face. We need to go to an appointment tomorrow morning, if you’re not awake in time I’ll punch you to wake you up. Etc. to me it doesn’t mean anything so I feel like I’m obviously the wrong person to advise here 😬 I’m reading people saying to go to the police and I’m thinking what.

What you are saying is not normal. Nobody who loves and respects their partner would say abusive and nasty threats like yours does. I think you need to read up on emotional and coercive abuse, there are plenty of official sites listing the main points, eg Relate, Refuge, UK government, local councils, age concern, citizens advice, Women's Aid... take your pick.

I confronted him earlier, he said it was either that or a punch in the face, WOW, he says he wants me to realise.

Realise what??

That he's a nutter and you need to separate?

No, that's not normal! Having banter with your partner is one thing, threatening a punch in the face is just that, a threat!

What the hell.

What happens if you're late or don't do the thing he wanted?

Do you tell him you're going to punch him in the face if he doesn't do x?

No this is not a wind up. It isn't something I decided on a whim, we haven't been getting on for a while. He has never been violent to me, EVER, he has got wound up before and really got in my face and I have wondered if he would but he never has.

you won’t leave op
not a chance
this will rumble on

"He has never been violent to me"
He has now. Do you think hitting you hard enough to leave a mark and make you cry is not violence? If it had been your face, would you count it as violence? How serious would it have to be before you take it seriously?

A "slapped bum" is a convenient way for men to enjoy hurting women, precisely because they can excuse it as a bit of fun. They can go way past the jokey gentle slap and really hurt you.

Yours isn't even hiding his violent feelings, threatening you with a punch in the face. And all this is happening in front of your children.

This is terrifying. He sounds like a sociopath. I hope he's not saying this in front of children?

@Linguines Please take a photo and keep it somewhere safe. Whether you leave or not, I've got a feeling you're going to need it at some point in the future

It was just annoying more than anything and never hurt before.

A random bloke in a bar (probably coked up to the eyeballs) did this to me. It was years ago. I still remember the pain & how awful I felt.

OP, it's really hard for any of us to make a judgement as to whether this is a serious incident that may lead to further violence, or a one-off mistake due to not recognising his own strength. The 'punch' remark is a worry. But you say he has never done anything like this before. Could you sit down with him in a neutral space (in public where you know you will be safe) and try to have a conversation with him about what happened, and what it was he wanted you to realise? His reaction will help you determine next steps.

I would consider my husband getting in my face aggressively whilst pointing and assuming shouting, as an act of violence. The constant arse slapping too, even if it wasn't hard before. You're not his property. I don't see how this is a one off joke that went too far in this context and with the follow up comment.

he has got wound up before and really got in my face and I have wondered if he would but he never has.

this would've been the limit for me, you shouldn't be wondering if your husband is going to be violent if you do something that he doesn't like