To think this woman shouldn’t have interfered in the restaurant?

[Goldenrainbows]

We are away at the moment and went to eat last night in a family pub with an indoor play area which seemed to get my ds (3) a bit hyper. He’s normally really good in restaurants but was admittedly being really silly and swinging back on his chair and running off and not eating. I was doing my best to deal with it.

It really wasn’t helped by a woman sitting at the table behind us who kept interfering and shrieking ‘he’ll fall!’ every time he was swinging on his chair and making comments about him and us. I don’t think it was coming from a bad place but AIBU in thinking it really wasn’t appropriate? It was stressful and meant we couldn’t deal with DS properly as she was taking our attention. (By the way ds was far from the only badly behaved child there.)

BUT did he have to eat right then? He want going to collapse of starvation if he didn't eat until he was bored of playing or even when you got home.

He is 3 so play areas are for playing. I think the problem is that by choosing to go to this type of location for your meal you have confused the two things. At 3 I would have taken mine to a soft play then gone out for tea somewhere calm once they were tired out where I could set the expectations of behaviour.

Yes she would. Unless she's deaf.

It's possible for both parties to be a bit wrong you know.

It doesn't have to be either she was wrong or you were.

Was she helping the situation? No. Her comments were unnecessary and probably judgemental in intent rather than expressions of genuine concern. It's upsetting to know your parenting has been judged and found wanting.

Were you dealing with the situation? No. "trying" to deal with something isn't dealing with it. The chair swinging part was the easiest of all to deal with. You move the chair so it's right next to you and you physically hold it so he can't swing on it.

If your child is unwilling or unable to follow your instructions on how to behave somewhere then you remove them from the situation entirely and try again another day.

I knew someone would talk about European children and how bloody perfect they are. It was on my bingo card from the off.

Anyway OP it’s a restaurant / pub with a play area so it’s going to attract families with children ( and I’d personally give it a massive swerve if I didn’t have a child) I’m not sure if I think they’re a good idea or not. I think colouring / crayons and quiet table based activities are better in these situations. You’ve got to make sitting at the table interesting.
The only way any child is going to learn to eat In restaurants nicely is by actually going - eating is a social event that shouldn’t happen separately from children imo. If he was hyped up and you are actually trying to entertain him rather than just saying “ sit down” repeatedly then I think she should have kept her opinion to herself. If you sitting there rather passively then I imagine it was frustrating to her and other people. Sometimes you just want people to get a grip of a situation. If the worse comes to the worse you can always ask for your food to be boxed and take it home with you.

I feel sorry for her. She was just trying to enjoy her meal. I would have complained to the staff. I don’t want to be bothered by hyper kids when I’m at a restaurant

I'm not sure what you mean by this.
By all means take your child to a child friendly pub.
The play area is for playing.
The chairs and tables are for the meal.
Assuming you were there as a family then if your child cannot sit still without disturbing others then you need to do it between you. One goes to the play area. One eats. Then swap. At some point your child needs to sit and eat. If you cannot get him to sit still long enough to eat then that's a different issue.

Child friendly doesn’t mean it’s ok for children do to dangerous things though!

Are you OK OP? This parenting thing is tough.

Was there another adult with you ? Sounds like you were on your own with a child but you keep saying “ we”.
I am asking as a few weeks ago DH and I were having lunch in a child friendly place ( so we expected some noise) but there was a child who kept getting up , running around , bumping into people and chairs and generally being a pain . Only the mother was trying to stop the child while the father sat and ate his lunch ! The child then bumped into a waitress , stuff got spilled and the mother shouted at the waitress ! The father still sat 🤷‍♀️

That woman sounds like a busy body OP.

if she didn’t want to eat near children then don’t go to a restaurant with a play area and sit right next to it!

If hes swinging on a chair there are two options, after being told know an adult puts one of their hands on the chair to prevent it happening again or you leave the restaurant.

If he runs off he is instructed to stay in the chair and told if he runs off you’ll have to go home as running in any restaurant is unsafe and poor manners.

How did you get him to the restaurant if you couldn’t go outside as there is a road?

Unless your son and you are completely silent of course she could have known what was going on as she would be able to hear any noise your son was making, and she would be able to hear you verbally explaining to your son why it was wrong and what the consequences will be.

Exactly. I did do this - took mine out to the car while meals were on the table until he’d calmed down. I will not tolerate my DC behaving badly.

I also made it clear afterwards to DH that I wasn’t impressed with him because the meal was with my family and he just sat there and carried on eating. I asked him what he thought should happen when we’re out with his family and he accepted that it should have been him.

Me too. The number of times we had to pick the kids up and leave is crazy.
My two both have autism so grabbing them and leaving and saying ok we'll try again another day happened a lot. It's just what you have to do if things go wrong.

the ‘in this country….’ always comes up in these threads, but in the countries that get lauded in comparison, kids aren’t generally encouraged to ‘act like kids’ in every environment. They’re expected to be taught how to behave, learning the skills they’ll need going through life.

It is usually different in tourist areas, but that behaviour wouldn’t be tolerated outside of those, and if it wasn’t your parents dealing with it then a stranger wouldn’t hesitate to step in. That can mean getting yelled at, or even swatted, speaking from experience. That’s the thing about these ‘child friendly’ cultures - it goes both ways. I don’t know how many British parents would be happy about their community not just taking on the role of welcoming their child, but voicing opinions on parenting to them, and disciplining their child too.

Or, was she turned to watch her children in the play area?

As annoying as she may have seemed your child was repeatedly doing something very dangerous and she felt you weren't doing enough to stop it.
Put that in another situation, a child playing with knives, drinking alcohol, running in the road. Many of us have been in a situation where we were very concerned about a child but felt we had no power and end of being hypervigilant.
I have been in a swimming pool on holiday and spent more time hovering over an unaccompanied 3yr old who's parents are 3 rows back, than supervising my own children...because I was worried.

Forget the running off to play, forget any silliness
I imagine her main concern was the chair swinging and she couldn't help herself due to concern. If you had properly stopped this the rest would have stopped.
Telling a child to stop each time they do something is not dealing with the behaviour. There have to be consequences and in the case on dangerous behaviour physical controls to prevent accidents.
Eg. At 3yrs....You need to sit on my knee until you have eaten your food and you can sit in a chair properly. If you can't sit properly we are going to sit in the car/go home

I bet she wasn't "shrieking"...

Ignore the "you ruined her meal comments"! How pathetic. If a hyperactive 3 year old bothers you enough to ruin your meal then perhaps don't dine out at restaurants aimed at families i.e ones with softplays.

I don't take my toddler to restaurants anymore as he wouldn't be able to sit still and it's a stressful experience all round. I wouldn't want to disrupt other diners. BUT it's a massive overreaction to claim it would ruin someone's meal. He wasn't going up to them and it sounds like he was just running back and forth to the play area and being silly not listening. If he was being horrible to other children then I'd say you were being unreasonable but sounds like a typical 3 year old to me!

There's no suggestion she didn't want to be around kids.
Without knowing the details...they are away, we don't know what other eating options there are but she could easily have kids herself who were behaving more appropriately.

I have no issue with play areas, laughing, shouting, getting up and down etc.
But running around uncontrolled and chair swinging are dangerous. Throwing food would be something else that would annoy me.

We took our kids out to lots if different restaurants from being babies.
They were always welcomed (in this country!) and allowed to be kids....but that doesn't extend to behaviour that is either dangerous or affects others.
Just like at home, whether a play area, or toys we took ourselves, they could play till dinner arrived, then they sat and ate, then they could play again.

This should be available as a template or response button! Encapsulates so many AIBUs here!
Thank you, @Newyearoldhair !

You said you didn't ruin her meal because the tables were spaced apart, so how come she distracted you to the point that you couldn't parent your child properly?
A stern look, or a 'I'm dealing with it thanks' is all that was needed. Was it just you and your son there, or did you have a partner there too?

I understand that young children might get a bit silly if there's a play area but if he continued to rock in his chair and run off, I'd have taken him aside and told him he'll have to go in a high chair if he can't behave and sit and eat. Either that or leave.

It really doesn't sound as if you were firm enough with him.

I do think YABU I don't know what you were doing to stop him? Lesson learned, you can't go there again until he's a bit older. A shame really as it should be enjoyable and it's better than gluing him tk a screen or taking stuff to entertain him. 3yo and restaurants not a great fit.

I'm imaging one of those awful play places where all the kids are running around and its not 'ruining' anyone's meal if he misbehaves. I do tell my kids that I don't care what everyone else is doing and I'm just responsible for their behaviour.

The chair rocking thing is the biggest worry and it would gave ruined her meal if he'd fallen. You need to rethink your calm acceptance that he's going to repeatedly do it. And running off same.

My strategy would be to go and sit in the car with him (leaving my meal to go cold or asking if they could keep it warm if they bring it out whilst I go and deal out some proper consequences. I wouldn't need to do this because DH wouldn't stand for it and would be dragging him out to the car park.

He's just a bit young for it. Hopefully at 4 he'd be able to play whilst he waits for food then sit and eat and play again.

I think yabu too but think your last reply was a bit worrying. Are you okay?

well i guess you have learned now, OP?

but at the risk of adding to the pile on, Yoda was correct: Do or do not. There is no try.

MacDonald’s is there for a reason.