To think this woman shouldn’t have interfered in the restaurant?

[Goldenrainbows]

We are away at the moment and went to eat last night in a family pub with an indoor play area which seemed to get my ds (3) a bit hyper. He’s normally really good in restaurants but was admittedly being really silly and swinging back on his chair and running off and not eating. I was doing my best to deal with it.

It really wasn’t helped by a woman sitting at the table behind us who kept interfering and shrieking ‘he’ll fall!’ every time he was swinging on his chair and making comments about him and us. I don’t think it was coming from a bad place but AIBU in thinking it really wasn’t appropriate? It was stressful and meant we couldn’t deal with DS properly as she was taking our attention. (By the way ds was far from the only badly behaved child there.)

I have only read all of your posts @Goldenrainbows because nearly every other post was telling you why the poor lady wasn't at fault, but that you were. I completely agree with the majority of posters here, and for some stupid reason I am going to give it a go at getting through to you too, OP. I already know it won't work so I must be having a very boring Sunday morning...

I take it @Goldenrainbows that your 3 year old child was somehow managing to swing on the back of their chair in complete silence? I also take it that you must have admonished him in complete silence? I take it that if the lady had been sitting at her table "correctly" she would not have been able to see the slightest bit of the moving child, or you getting up to stop your dear child, if she had only been sitting at her table correctly? Lastly - for these particular questions - I take it presume that there was no movement of air between your toddler and the "interefering" lady, who should have been sitting at her table correctly?

You say that that lady (and the other person with her) should not have gone to such a family friendly restaurant if they didn't want to witness unruly and sometimes dangerously behaved children. I am wondering if the restaurant is one that belongs to a chain of hotels, such as Premier Inns. Because if it does, the main reason it is situated where it is, is so that weary travellers can park and unpack their car, and then walk a few steps to the restaurant, therefore meaning that they can both relax and have an (alcoholic) drink if they want to.

If the scenario in my previous paragraph is actually somewhere near correct OP, do you and the other Mumsnetters who agree with you, that adults without children, or at least without children they have no control over, believe that they should never go to a family friendly restaurant and then expect to be able to enjoy their meal?

Imo OP, that lady was so disturbed while having her meal, and so worried when she looked over her shoulder the first time, that when she could see what was happening she felt the pressure (of the village) of being extremely worried that your very young child was going to do themself a mischief, which could potentially have been very harmful to them. In her situation I might have also turned my seat around and watched yoir dear child, because no adult at your table seemed to be doing so. Of course that poor woman's meal was being ruined, just because you were there in the same room as her, does not mean that you can judge how much your child's behaviour, and your lack of parenting behaviour, badly affected her own enjoyment. You have also not shown an ounce of empathy for anyone outside of your own family.

We {and many others } had a meal ruined by someone's hellion rolling around on the floor kicking and screaming and running about - for well over an hour.

Control the child or don't take them out until they can be trusted to behave in a sensible, non disruptive, quiet manner.

That woman sounds like me. I get stressed as hell when I see small children doing dangerous things while the adults in charge of them seem totally oblivious. I get sweaty palms seeing 6'3" men carrying babies and toddlers across their shoulders, hanging onto them by the ankles. Not that I think they'll drop them, but one accidental stumble and that child's head lands on the pavement from a great height.

Same with very small kids standing up and leaning over a shopping trolley, or running too far ahead of their parents near traffic. Or running around in busy car parks, in and out of parked cars where there is poor visibility for drivers reversing. It's all I can manage not to scream 'FFS watch your child!' at them.

If I were next to your child doing this in a restaurant my anxiety levels would be sky high.

Not understanding most of the comments on here. The AIBU wasn’t in relation to the 3 year olds behaviour and whether or not it was ok for him to be swinging or running to the soft-play area. It was about the other woman. No grown-up adult should be shrieking repeatedly about a child who is absolutely nothing to do with them. If she feels that strongly about him falling then she says it once, civic duty done! Anything else is just needless dramatics!
YANBU to think her behaviour was unnecessary OP!

And you’re perfectly entitled to feel like this, as was she. But would you constantly comment and interfere?

Op, I mean this gently, the woman wasn’t the issue here.

i understand you struggled and we have all been there, but if you’re kid swings back or runs off, you tell them sharply no, and then explain why it isn’t ok, using words they understand. You could fall, you would ger hurt etc. give them consequences, if you do that again, then you will sit on my knee, or we will go home. Give them a reward. If you stop doing this I will let you do x or y or you can have a x or y.

it sounds to me like the child was bored and no one was interacting with them. If you bring a young child you need to be prepared to entertain them, bring colouring stuff, or give them a tablet to play on, whatever works for them, interact with them regularly, help with the game or colouring in, compliment how well they are doing.

if you keep them engaged and active they don’t run off or swing on their chairs,

Same here..I think many would happily pay extra for a child free experience {and many of us are parents, too!}
Don't take an unruly child out if it can't be trusted to behave and be quiet.

She sounds like she was being a bit dramatic. But at 3 years old we would not have attempted an evening outing to a pub/softplay type place. I think lunch would be more manageable & if it's evening then just get a ready meal or take away & get him home to bath & bed. I don't think he was being deliberately naughty, he would have been better off at home with some CBeebies on.

Honestly, she was being unreasonable in the fact she went to a pub with a play area and expected anything like a peaceful meal. I think I would have told the nosey bitch to piss off at that point. And yes, my kids are generally well behaved but also got hyper when little, if youre in a wacky warehouse type of place, its kind of expected

By the way ds was far from the only badly behaved child there.)

Translates to trying to excuse shit parenting by saying other DC were misbehaving so it must be fine for my DC also.

I accept we were obviously in the wrong I am a bit baffled that it’s okay to behave as she did. It really wasn’t helpful.

Because she clearly has a much more heightened sense of danger than you do. She was probably more concerned for his safety than she was irritated by his bad behaviour, although it was probably his bad behaviour that caused her to turn around and notice him in the first place. She may have turned her chair to keep an eye on him once she realised he was rocking his chair dangerously and you were not doing enough to stop him. I'd have done the same. No way could I relax and turn my back on a child I thought might be about to fall and hit their head.

Hmm, it’s a hard one. Was your child be way more annoying then you’re letting on?

The whole shrieking ‘he’ll fall’ is ridiculous. But I would find a kid running around being annoying on my child free night so bloody irritating and unfair.

But i do accept we shouldn’t have taken DS, as I can’t control him at all so we reliant on his cooperation which obviously wasn’t happening.
Still reading the thread but what the hell do you mean by this??

It’s not to say DS was perfect but he wasn’t that bad and I have pretty high standards.
No, you have zero standards, or parenting ability, if you can't control your child at all. Time to get some parenting lessons OP, you seriously need them 😱

This. YABU

You obviously weren’t dealing with it if he was doing it repeatedly!

Almost never. Unless I really felt it was imperative. Perhaps this woman did feel it was imperative. It does often amaze me how lax and casual some parents are where their small child's safety is concerned.

Saying no is the first step. If that doesn't stop dangerous or undesirable behaviour then you need to move to the next step. Sitting the child on your knee, arm along the back of his chair, hand pushing down the front of the chair, removal from the restaurant are all next steps.

Also, were you eating alone with the child? Why was it only you trying to deal with his behaviour?

Why someone would post such a tone deaf post on AIBU is beyond me. It’s as if you’re asking to be slated!

People paid to have an enjoyable meal.

Not to have to listen to or watch out for unruly children.

A child running around a busy restaurant is not safe and must have been a complete pain for everyone including the staff carrying hot food to the tables...

Someone would not be repeatedly commenting if you were dealing with it.

The best thing would have been to take the kid outside to try to settle him and then come back or considering cutting your meal short.

She might have been the one who said something but I would bet quite a few other people in the restaurant were also annoyed by the disruption caused.

An evening meal in a restaurant for a toddler is not the best choice to start with if you struggle to manage him.

Yanbu OP. And I don't think you deserved the heavy handed comments here. The reason I say that is I have a shrieking MIL who generally is very nice but tends to shriek around any small perceived harm or potential harm. As far as I can tell it's sort of genuine and not deliberately performative but it is very irritating when it's going on in my ear when I'm dealing with something. Also her risk assessment is off - she would shriek a lot about trivial stuff. She made my kids cry with shock a few times when she shrieked and they were going about their business.

All this to say there are some people like this. Good luck OP. Don't let it put you off going to eat out again. IME those places were the absolute pits and my kids who were completely able to sit at a table and eat, and new that was the expectation, got really confused with the play area thing. We went a couple of times to places in center parcs one year then never again.

She wasn't "interfering" she was letting you know how much your child was distressing and disturbing the dining experience of other guests. I don't think she was being unreasonable. I get that this is a hard stage of parenting and I have lived through having a 2yo just like that but you can't let them run around being a danger to themselves and others in a restaurant. You need some toddler reins urgently. This phase will pass and you can enjoy nice family restaurant meals when your child is old enough to behave appropriately.

Just because your child isn't the only one behaving badly in a restaurant, it doesn't excuse it.

Sorry, but this is on you, not that other lady. If he's repeatedly engaging in dangerous behaviour, to the point where a stranger is commenting on it, you're not doing enough. You need to physically get up and restrain your child.

Mumsnet (ironically) is the worst place to ask this sort of question. Lots of people on Mumsnet seem to subscribe to the notion that children should be seen and not heard; heaven forbid a child behaves like a child!

It seems children should just know how to be well behaved and polite in social settings without ever going to those social settings to be taught how to behave in them!

Yes, it's annoying when children are misbehaving but she sounds like an annoying and dramatic busybody who was actually making the situation worse! If her anxiety is so bad she can't wind her neck in and keep her nose out of other people's business then that's on her and she shouldn't be eating out. It's not on you to manage her anxiety.

Op I hope you're OK. Everyone piling on, think about how your comments can be read and received by someone struggling. Yes a child shouldn't be swinging on a chair etc in a restaurant but as parents we're not perfect and don't always do the best thing in a situation, or perhaps we're just exhausted / over it. This woman sounds irritated, and I would have been too, but I am more concerned here about the poster after her last post.

Op, parenting is hard. We get it and some days are harder than others. Shake it off, it'll get easier. Today mother's day, try not to dwell on the incident or this post.

Surely everyone could have done a bit better? The bit I'm not clear on is whether you were with your partner or other children?

There would be no need for the woman to shriek if that honestly was her reaction.

Your child should have been actively parented. Even without the bystanders commentary what you describe would be a nightmare for the serving staff.

Lots of suggestions and comments on this thread so you have options for what can be done better next time.