To be sad DD might be limiting herself

[JanseyB]

I have twins, they are 17, in sixth form.
DD is on paper the more intelligent of the two, 8/9a at GCSE and predicted 2 A* and 2 As at a-level (French, German, Art and English). She is at a good local indie but the careers advisor seems to pay little attention to her (more interested in the Law, Medicine and Finance candidates).

DD has applied for Business/Management and German for uni. She's applied to Kings, UCL, Manchester, Bristol and Queen Mary, she has some offers back.

DD has now announced she wants to take a gap year, then maybe change her course of study all together. She has savings and will get some money for her 18th so she has said she wants to work and travel and figure it out.
DD actually wants to work in marketing but wants to do a degree related to foreign language as it's something she is naturally talented at.

DS is so much more put together, studying history then wants to do law and has a clear plan.

DD is saying she wants a gap year, 4 year (year abroad) undergrad then possibly marketing masters. Which just seems a bit chaotic.

She is so smart, I wasn't massively supportive of her A-level choices and I feel like we are going through it again. She got a bloody 9 in maths at GCSE and it feels such a waste to throw it away. She's also very sociable, likeable, sporty and works so hard, it just seems she's a bit lost?!

DH and I are both doctors, our path was quite clear and laid out from leaving school so I'm not sure how to approach this.

AIBU thinking she might be throwing it all away. How can I get her better careers advice when school aren't helping? She used to want to work in finance and I'm a little sad that over the last 2 years that has lost appeal to her!

Anyone here know a path that might suit DD, with her want of modern languages under grad and marking as a career with study abroad and gap years?

😂😂😂 Helpful...

@JanseyB my school was top 5 in the uk and similar.

One suggestion - if you and dh are doctors can you try and do some sort of work experience swap or set something up to get her to go into a marketing or advertising role for a week or two.
She might get paid work out of it

Your DD sounds like she's got her head screwed on. Taking a working/travelling gap year whilst she decides what she wants to do. Your son, on the other hand, might struggle to get a highly competitive training contract if he wants to get into law.

Let DD decide her own path and be supportive (I'm having to do similar with DD!).

I think she does have a plan. Maybe she will end up taking a degree in Germany or France.

Germany, even as a non EU student is cheaper than the UK.

Good grief, yes YABVU. My parents had many faults but one thing I’m very grateful to them for is telling me to be myself and follow whatever path makes me happy. As a result I bounced around and tried a few things in my 20s before finding my way in my chosen career. They were always supportive regardless of whether I was working in Topshop or at the BBC (and I’ve done both).

my friends with parents like yours frequently feel like they’re some kind of failure because they don’t work in finance earning £££. There’a far more to life than money. Languages are an incredibly asset and will be a big plus for jobs so I’m not sure why you’re talking as they’re some kind of “Mickey mouse” subject. She does have a plan, and it’s a good plan, and sounds far more fun and interesting than your or your DS’s plans, tbh. I agree with PP this is just snobbery. The only thing you should do here is support her choices.

How can you be so sure that your DS’ plan will work out? (I hope it does for his sake, but how do you know that?)

Also many students at top unis will have 8s/9s in all their GCSEs - they have to specialise at some point!

Medicine is actually unusual in having a very clearly defined career path.

I have an Oxbridge degree.

As soon as I graduated I changed careers because it was very clear that the kind of jobs my degree led you to I didn't actually want to do.

If people apply for medicine, they are encouraged to get medical experience first - no point getting a medical degree if you loathe working in medicine.

A gap year gives her the chance to experience some jobs. She'll be able to see that she likes some and dislikes others. She'll also be able to save up some money.

She is aiming for a traditional degree in a well respected subject. This sounds like a good plan to me.

You can't "throw it all away" at 17. Please encourage her to take a gap yaaah. I never did and it's one of my biggest regrets. I think it would have made me so much more independent.

In what way is having a gap year, gaining a degree and then gaining a masters chaotic?

If you think finance is so amazing, then you better re-train yourself, rather than trying to live through your daughter.

As a uni lecturer I think a gap year is a great choice. The majority of students are far more ready for studies when they are that bit older and have more life experience. Encourage her to challenge herself and to use her languages.

Likewise, languages are always in demand. If she’s good at languages she could also consider adding a non-European language.

And about a level choices: hers are solid. Back in the day, I did my “main subject”, French and maths, because I was good at maths at GCSE. I hated maths at A level, and have never used the maths I learned. I still use the French all the time and wish I had done another language A level instead of maths.

YABU

Stop comparing her to her brother, and to yourself. She’s an individual who is finding her own path.

Her life. She’s an adult in a few months. Wanting a gap year and to decide what she wants to do is hardly throwing it all away. Maybe she’ll decide not to go to uni (horror!). Stop being controlling or you will lose her in adulthood.

I’m married to a historian now lawyer. He’s miserable - absolutely loathes his job with a passion but is completely stuck in it because he’s successful. I know many other historian-lawyers who I could say exactly the same about. As a friend said to me twenty years ago ‘don’t think I’ve ever met a happy lawyer’. It’s also a field that is open to losing a lot of posts to AI. But again your son’s choice.

Good on your DD. She has a good plan and knows what she wants. So it's a less streamlined path than you want, so what? She's only 17! Let her live life her own way. Even if she did get it all wrong and it didn't work out, she's so young she can easily get back on track. It sounds like she'll do well though.

Agree. She is probably feeling such immense pressure to 'be perfect'. It's a sure fire way to set them up for failure.

She sounds very sensible. Let her just be her, ask about her day and tell her you love her.

Your DD sounds like mine. Her MFL degree has led her to a grad job in Consultancy in the city. She decided against a separate masters whilst at university in Scotland. Friends from her course are: marketing grad scheme with L’Oreal, training contract, teacher training, financial services.

Her boyfriend did Economics and is now training as an accountant. He did Economics as it was “sensible” but really regrets not doing English Lit, especially as he could have ended up where he is with that degree.

I think your own clear path is limiting your thinking. There are so many routes available and the idea of being on a single, professional pathway all their life seems very old-fashioned.

A gap year is a great opportunity. She can travel, volunteer overseas and also get some paid work experience. She will have an amazing time and obtain some great skills. Things to talk about at interviews.

a foreign language degree especially German will be useful. As long as it’s a good university which it sounds like it will be then it will open lots of doors.

If she does well in French, German, and English, she could get a job at a lot of the organizations at the UN, or working in international law (which can be so many different things - from bits of large international cases to someone like Amal Clooney, who represents international causes and people in international distress). Is there any chance she would consider traveling as a volunteer during her gap year? So many organizations need more hands, and even if she has no interest in medicine, organizations like Médecins Sans Frontières have huge multilingual marketing departments that might take her? I don’t know, for sure, but I do know that either French, German, and a business degree, or French, German, and a marketing degree will take her far in Switzerland where the UN and a lot of associated NGOs (and a lot of private companies) are. It can also be a life with a lot of travel IF that’s what she wants.

I think you could do with chilling out about this. Having a career path mapped out for you at 16 by your parents and sticking to it for life is not normal, i think it might just be the environment you’re in. You’ve said yourself your daughter is creative, clever, hard working, well liked etc, so there’s nothing to worry about.

Then in terms of helping her, has she ever had a job? If not encourage her to work. That might give her an idea of what the world of work is like, and having admin skills is a great way into entry level marketing roles. Do you know anyone (ideally many someone’s) that works in marketing or a creative field that she could chat to to find out more about career paths? Or the professional body for marketeers? Has she looked into apprenticeships in marketing? Universities with a sandwich year in business? Or living in Germany for a bit as a way to develop her languages? Loads of ways to approach this.

Honestly, if she’s uncertain, the gap year will do her good.
The choice of degree is a big decision to make at a relatively young age and unfortunately we’re now in an era of tuition fees where having a change of heart comes with a hefty price tag.
In a gap year she can earn some more money and gain experience of a workplace, travel and volunteer. Those can all be assets to a future university application.
She’ll find her own way.

If she is a bit lost, I think a gap year is a fantastic idea! I went straight to university from school to become a teacher with a plan mapped out but ended up realising I loved speech therapy. I couldn't afford to do university again though (and speech therapy is largely unfunded) so I couldn't go after the career I wanted to do. Ended up leaving teaching and now at 30 I am in administration and earn a pittance despite excellent A levels and educational background.

Sometimes 18 is too young to decide your entire future. If she has the funds and capacity to go travelling, what an amazing experience for her and she may find something she's passionate about while doing it.

Also, I suspect (and think you do too!) that your DD will feel a little bit of pressure from you and your husband if you're both doctors and she probably thinks she has a lot to live up to. I'm sure you already do but if you openly support her choices now, she'll probably feel more comfortable asking you for advice/help when she needs it :) good luck to you all!

I was reading your op expecting to come across a hideous chaotic decision your daughter has made. It was a bit of an anti climax - she has a clear plan. I suspect it’s just not one you approve of.
I have a business degree with double major pr/marketing and worked hard to have a good career. What I did was do marketing in the finance world - it was a great industry to work in and very well rewarded.

Yeah, you’ve being way too rigid. Chill
out and let her live. She sounds sensible and clever, you have nothing to worry about.

In what way is your DD possibly limiting herself? I genuinely started reading your post thinking you were talking about DD to set the scene of one perfect, sorted child! So she doesn't want to do what is essentially a vocational degree like medicine/law/vet med/dentistry ... which must put her in the same basket as at least 80% of all other undergrads at red brick universities. Look back at your friends from Uni who weren't studying a vocational degree? Did most (all??) of them get jobs?
I also wonder if your DD wants a chance to be out of sync with her twin brother as it might reduce the constant comparisons.

I announced on exam results day that none of my uni choices felt right and I was having a gap year 😂. Also off the back of a string of top grades! But I’d been thrashing myself studying and was absolutely exhausted.

I spent the year working in a local hotel, had the time of my life earning good money and making friends with people I am still friends with now, 14 years later. I spent some of the money going on holidays with friends and 6 weeks travelling in America with a then boyfriend and saved a bit for uni too.

I reapplied to different unis, got into the one of my dreams and headed off to London a year later. Uni was one of the hardest experiences of my life and I was SO grateful for the friends I’d made on my gap year and the job meant I could pick up plenty of work in the holidays.

Even after uni I spent 2 years temping, waitressing and not being 100% sure what I wanted to do. It was scary at the time but by 24 I was working in a great job in investment banking with a really decent salary- I now earn more than anyone I know my age.

At the time my meandering path made me and I’m sure my parents freak out that I was falling behind my peers but I learnt so much from that non direct path- I grafted in any job required, became financially independent and had work experience on my CV.

It's clear you don't think much of her. I hope your attitude doesn't come across to her. She wants to do a different route than what you envisage - your son has law which has a clear route to employment but so what if DD's doesn't, it doesn't mean she won't find a job.