To be sad DD might be limiting herself

[JanseyB]

I have twins, they are 17, in sixth form.
DD is on paper the more intelligent of the two, 8/9a at GCSE and predicted 2 A* and 2 As at a-level (French, German, Art and English). She is at a good local indie but the careers advisor seems to pay little attention to her (more interested in the Law, Medicine and Finance candidates).

DD has applied for Business/Management and German for uni. She's applied to Kings, UCL, Manchester, Bristol and Queen Mary, she has some offers back.

DD has now announced she wants to take a gap year, then maybe change her course of study all together. She has savings and will get some money for her 18th so she has said she wants to work and travel and figure it out.
DD actually wants to work in marketing but wants to do a degree related to foreign language as it's something she is naturally talented at.

DS is so much more put together, studying history then wants to do law and has a clear plan.

DD is saying she wants a gap year, 4 year (year abroad) undergrad then possibly marketing masters. Which just seems a bit chaotic.

She is so smart, I wasn't massively supportive of her A-level choices and I feel like we are going through it again. She got a bloody 9 in maths at GCSE and it feels such a waste to throw it away. She's also very sociable, likeable, sporty and works so hard, it just seems she's a bit lost?!

DH and I are both doctors, our path was quite clear and laid out from leaving school so I'm not sure how to approach this.

AIBU thinking she might be throwing it all away. How can I get her better careers advice when school aren't helping? She used to want to work in finance and I'm a little sad that over the last 2 years that has lost appeal to her!

Anyone here know a path that might suit DD, with her want of modern languages under grad and marking as a career with study abroad and gap years?

Is that all its about? Making a lot of money.having babies.turning out alright? Owning a house
Being a professional.phew ....what a lot of utter snobs on here.poor kids
God forbid the kids let them down

lots of 4 year undergrad course options including a year abroad working or at a university. Can be great option if 4 years is affordable for the family/DC (which it is in OP’s case) and the DC can handle it (being away from friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, lots of admin, languAge etc).

If she gets those grades in those demanding subjects she’s off to a great start, and being a skilled linguist will be great for her employability. Is she not tempted to apply to Oxford or Cambridge? Anyway, whether she takes up an offer or goes for something else after a gap year she can go to an excellent uni where they will have careers advice and recruitment fairs and she will have time to work things out. A gap year will broaden her horizons and be good for her confidence and her sense of what she wants.
I’m the daughter of doctors and I appreciate how they never tried to channel us in particular directions. I could have done with thinking about careers more and earlier I think, but the good thing is that your daughter’s already on that. She’s all good.

I also think that you also are making your DS the 'golden child'. This comparative approach will not only impact her relationship with you and herself but also with her sibling. Think wisely about what you are doing here.

She has a plan, albeit a bit loose.

It's just not your plan.

Let her do what she enjoys. She's not you.

And FWIW, my eldest turned down a place for medicine last year to do a practical emergency services qualification (not in UK) and get some hands-on experience. He may go this year or he may do more vocational training. For me, the long-term risk of not letting him find his own way was greater than the short-term risk of him having taken a turning that didn't prove right for him and finding it out for himself so he could get back on track himself.

Yes I think this too. I also wondered if it may he part the reason she wants a gap year - so they aren't finishing uni at the same time

One of the greatest gifts you can give your DD is to give her space to make her own decisions and exercise her autonomy, and for her to feel you respecting and validating her choices. No reservations.

It is immensely powerful.

Just because you think you can see a better or clearer path, it doesn't mean you should impose this expectation on her and undermine her own developing sense of direction and purpose. Those are hers to nurture and by sowing doubt and causing her to second guess herself, you are in danger of disrupting and stunting this process of individuation and growth.

She's clearly an accomplished young person with a great work ethic and drive, please let her manifest the future she wants for herself.

Finance is not maths you know?
I think she needs time to think what she wants to do The uk system is not very forgiving if people who choose the wrong undergraduate degree.
Proficiency in a language is much more widely recorganised by having a high proficiency qualification in that language.I would do that alongside a degree.The only reason I can see is if she wants to go to oxbridge, there is not much competition for language degrees

Your DD is not limiting herself - quite the opposite. And she has a plan. The one who is limiting himself is your DS - there are fewer and fewer jobs in law now. Is he aware of this?

My parents refused to allow my sister to take a gap year and she has bitterly regretted it. She’s still got so much time to get her education & find the right career path.

also I seem to remember a lot of my friends talking about doing a post grad degree but then not actually doing one.

ETA: my parents also pushed my sister to get a job straight after uni and she ended up in an industry she absolutey hated and burnt out and had to move back home in her late 20’s. She’s now in a job / industry she is actually interested in and much happier. I think it’s only natural parents want to guide their kids but beware of being too pushy

Marketing and understands maths and statistics will make her special.

It may have changed but my linguist friend said Oxbridge was all literature and therefore not that useful for anybody wanting to work practically with languages.

I second this.

I work in marketing and earn equivalent to NHS consultants (just checked). Arguably I have a much less stressful job and better work-life balance too.

Over my career I’ve worked for a variety of companies, had excellent travel opportunities, events, training, etc. It is a varied role: research, data analysis, propensity modelling, strategy, financial modelling, and creative planning. I love it. And, like your daughter from the sounds of it, I was good at lots of subjects at school and this is a field where that kind of multidisciplinary strength really pays off.

My Dad was judgy about my plans. It took our relationship years to recover, and it only really did when he could see I was doing well. Don’t be like him.

Not a fan of the favouritism you seem to be showing DS and the want to make DD some sort of extension of you. But I do empathise. You're scared of her wasting her potential, but what does that even mean? Every choice made closes other choices - at least temporarily - and that's just the way it is. She can't do EVERYTHING. So she got a 9 in Maths - sounds like she got a clutch of 8s and 9s in a mixture of subjects! A choice does need to be made but she can go back to A level Maths if she ever needs it for what she wants to do.

Of course you want her to have a decent life (and maybe there's an argument that the reason she feels so free to explore her real passion is precisely because you have made it to the true middle classes - she has "privilege" - she knows her worth- something that at such a young age usually comes from money and cultural capital and love and security!) Marketing and all the bits around it are real careers with options and movement forward. They may not be a clear cut a path as a "profession" but the paths are there.

DD is saying she wants a gap year, 4 year (year abroad) undergrad then possibly marketing masters. Which just seems a bit chaotic.

Seems like a very 'unchaotic' plan to me!

Re the year abroad vs year in industry - it is possible to combine the two!

You've just reminded me of a Brian Clough quote.

"We had the best team on paper.

Problem is, the game is played on grass."

😂

She has a plan!
It's just not one in the science/medicine world so probably a bit alien.
For medicine you need to be so organised so this is just different.
I chose my career in my hart few months of uni. I chose what I enjoyed for a-levels and degree.
And as for maths, my DS has a 9 in RS. He's not becoming a vicar, he's not religious. You can be good at subject and not take it further.

My daughter has a very successful career at 31 as a marketing manager for a big corporate company. Her background was a degree in Psychology followed by a masters in marketing.

I can’t see anything wrong in your daughters plan to do a degree in Business with languages followed by a masters in marketing, or to take a year out first if that’s what appeals to her. Her degree subject would be more relevant than my daughter’s choice was but the most important thing is to study a subject you love so you do well in it.

She sounds bright and focused with a clear plan, it’s just not your plan.

For what it’s worth I did almost identical A levels 25 years ago. I did a language degree at a decent uni, got a grad scheme job in Marketing and gave it all up after 5 years to retrain in one of the Allied Health professions. Now I run my own private paediatric practice which is totally flexible around my kids and I never touched a maths or science A level. I think I’ve done ok for myself! Let her make her choices, she will always resent you if you don’t.

Let her make her own choices, don't suffocate her with your own warped standards. Some travel, a languages degree and a masters is more than a good plan. Her life is for her, not you.

That doesn't sound remotely chaotic. Your DD sounds as though she has her head screwed on. One of the things my son's sixth form advised them was to do a degree in a subject you enjoy.

My friend's daughter did a languages degree and a masters, which have been a huge asset in her chosen career of marketing as so many companies deal internationally.

She started off working with Mothercare and has since moved onwards and upwards. She is extremely successful and has travelled all over the world in her various jobs.

I think you need to stop fretting and leave her to get on with it.

She’s so young. I wouldn’t worry. DH and I are both in professional careers.

I knew what I wanted to do from primary school age, gained 5 highers in 5th year (Scotland), off to uni at 17, graduated at 21, postgrad done by 22. Worked full time from then, bought my house at 23, earned a good wage quite young so did lots of travel etc.

My DH left school after 5th year with two highers, bounced about in different jobs for seventeen years, went back to college for a year so he could get into uni, then uni remotely while working full time in a professional job related to his degree (he’ll get a good salary bump once degree is done). He graduates in eighteen months when he’ll be just short of 42.

There’s no one right way to do it. Lots of people aren’t mature enough for uni at 18, lots found school hard and need a break, some want to travel or work or experience more independence, some just don’t fancy uni. She’ll find her own way :)

"DH and I are both doctors, our path was quite clear..."

There's your problem.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with her plan. She's just not you.

I agree with this. Shed has a plan and it is even quite a traditional plan. Gap year. uni. Marketing. It's not putting together a business plan for selling beach umbrellas in Bali is it?

She will find her path. It may not be a straight path that you recgonise as a path, but it is a path.

FWIW my favourite cousin did well at school. So talented. Took a gap year and my aunt lamented and beat her chest about her not knowing what she wanted to do. Aunt was quite manipulative about it all- sobbing- engaging family members to help 'make her see sense'. Cousin did have an path in mind- it was just she did not want to be a doctor or a teacher. She then took History and Politics at uni. While working part time. Did a Masters in International relations. Got a volunteer job abroad which then morphed into a role with the UN. She's a bit younger than me- 49 ish I think and she is now working as a policy adviser in a very prestigious International organisation.

Let your DD be who she is. her plans sound sensible and exciting. She is not you or your DH and she is not her sibling. TBH I'd be more worried about your sensible son limiting herself by sticking to a path he knows his parents approve of. He needs to spread his wings a bit too.