To be sad DD might be limiting herself

[JanseyB]

I have twins, they are 17, in sixth form.
DD is on paper the more intelligent of the two, 8/9a at GCSE and predicted 2 A* and 2 As at a-level (French, German, Art and English). She is at a good local indie but the careers advisor seems to pay little attention to her (more interested in the Law, Medicine and Finance candidates).

DD has applied for Business/Management and German for uni. She's applied to Kings, UCL, Manchester, Bristol and Queen Mary, she has some offers back.

DD has now announced she wants to take a gap year, then maybe change her course of study all together. She has savings and will get some money for her 18th so she has said she wants to work and travel and figure it out.
DD actually wants to work in marketing but wants to do a degree related to foreign language as it's something she is naturally talented at.

DS is so much more put together, studying history then wants to do law and has a clear plan.

DD is saying she wants a gap year, 4 year (year abroad) undergrad then possibly marketing masters. Which just seems a bit chaotic.

She is so smart, I wasn't massively supportive of her A-level choices and I feel like we are going through it again. She got a bloody 9 in maths at GCSE and it feels such a waste to throw it away. She's also very sociable, likeable, sporty and works so hard, it just seems she's a bit lost?!

DH and I are both doctors, our path was quite clear and laid out from leaving school so I'm not sure how to approach this.

AIBU thinking she might be throwing it all away. How can I get her better careers advice when school aren't helping? She used to want to work in finance and I'm a little sad that over the last 2 years that has lost appeal to her!

Anyone here know a path that might suit DD, with her want of modern languages under grad and marking as a career with study abroad and gap years?

Now come on @JanseyB, she's a 'busy doctor' 🙄

Or, or - I'm spending Mother's Day with my family and not on my phone!!
Give me a chance!

Ah yes with the kids that go to a 'good local indie'

The amount of people I met in academia who’d gone to oxbridge on parents dictat, only to drop out, have severe MH issues, or end up with a 4th.

They all have then gone on to other unis/study and been much more successful. Often doing Masters or PhD’s at ex poly’s or more traditional red brick where the culture is very different.

To be fair to OP she doesn't seem hung up on her DD going to Oxbridge it's more about having a defined end career goal before she even starts her degree.

DS is going to uni in September, he claims he will be an entrepreneur. He has shown zero signs of this thus far, so I'm guessing chances are he'll end up with a job. But I just smile and nod, and occasionally suggest that a job with an employer is not the worst thing in the world.

having a defined end career goal - I do not think this is a realistic expectation for a 17 year old.

Thank you everyone. You're right I was caught up in my own expectations and that's not fair.

I've had a good chat with DD tonight. She says she wants to German & something at uni. She is interested in the German and Russian programme at UCL but isn't sure which languages would be most helpful?

I think a good degree from a uni like UCL stands her in good stead for a number of jobs. She can still train in a more applied field afterwards e.g. law (I did exactly this). It's the skills she will learn from the degree and other experiences during her uni years which will make her employable. I work in law and did a language degree and it's certainly useful in various ways (I work with overseas lawyers day in day out) but I don't actively speak the language professionally (native colleagues speak English far better than I could ever speak their language).

German is an excellent language and much in demand. It goes v well with Russian.

My GP father was horrified when I chose to do Latin GCSE and even more horrified when I did it for 'A' level and did French and Latin at degree level. I have used both languages pretty much every day of my working life; they have opened more doors and brought me more joy and satisfaction than I could ever have imagined and my father is happy because I have a six-figure salary. The myths about the perceived uselessness of languages need to be debunked urgently. They sell our children short.

A career should be focused around something you enjoy, if she enjoys languages and marketing then she will succeed in those areas.

It's also perfectly okay for her to not know what she wants to do and to take time to figure it out. Better she take that time now than go on a path that doesn't fit her desire and be unhappy

I have been a secondary school teacher for 15 years. YABVVVVVVU.
She sounds calm and level-headed a well-rounded and not just chasing the money. We need more students like her.

Most students who drop out have chosen the wrong course in the first place. She should do what she wants to do, not what you think she should do. Degrees are not necessarily self limiting. She sounds l8ke she has planned a great post 16 life for herself. Be proud of her. And your son.

I think throwing her life away is an over exaggeration for what is happening but I can understand why you think that as your experience and family’s experience seems clear cut but for a lot of people it isn’t

If it’s any constellation i was a predicted A student in school, failed all my GCSEs regardless, could only do a BTEC beauty course as a result, managed to get onto a Law degree with a foundation year and dropped out 3 times to go travelling every year and had no real job or prospects by 22. Everyone had given up on me by that point but I don’t know, I just had a feeling I’d be fine. Applied for a job at a company at 22 on minimum wage and worked my way up, went back to uni and restarted my degree at 24, now work at a magic circle law firm and going to qualify as a solicitor next year and I already qualified as a financial crime specialist last year. I was offered a job a few months ago in Dubai for 130k tax free at 27. My best friend was the same position as me, no GCSEs or A levels, hairdressing at college, minimum wage hairdressing jobs, she didn’t go uni as she went travelling with me and she went back to uni at the same time I did at 24. She’s now a uni lecturer. My brother on the other hand did all the ‘right’ things, all A*, A Levels in Maths, Physics, Edinburgh uni for Further Maths, Masters degree at Oxbridge yet hasn't ever been offered job at 25 and is massively stressed about it. The thing is life is different for everyone and paths are never the same.

It's so hard but you have to step back I think.

My eldest dd was super avademic then went off the rails and round all kinds of loops of nightmare life proposals until I was just glad to see her go to uni at all.

My youngest dd is wavering between languages, art and doing a catering course, nonr of which seem likely to earn a living. 😬

I'm super worried on the inside but outwardly I'm determined that they will crack this themselves and to support her choices.

I think they have to decide but I have often considered the merits of being in a different culture where kids are told "You'll be a doctor, you'll be a pharmacist, you'll be an accountant".

Time will tell but it feels like a big and expensive experiment

My daughter did a half gap year in her mid 20s. She volunteered at a small school in Cambodia and it was the making of her. She made friends there from all over the world. I would highly recommend that she finds a placement for a few months of her gap year, it will go down well in future job applications.

I'll preface by saying we're all guilty of doing this I believe, including me! I think you're just looking at what you want her to do as a reflection of you. Being a doctor comes with kudos and I imagine you want the same for your daughter, as a representation of you.
Just let her be. Let her do what she feels is right and don't put your stress over this onto her. She'll be just fine.

I believe you need to trust her to work out what she wants to do. Even if that takes a little time.
Our youngest DS started a course at one uni, realised the uni and the course was not for him, regrouped, took a year out and started again different place, different subject. Years on he is doing really well and is working in his choice of subject.

You need to investigate the year abroad. I know a couple of people who did Russian at UCL, but that was before the current situation. I’m not sure anyone’s going off to Russia now to study. At other universities, I know they’re suggesting students go to Estonia or the like instead, and I can’t see that helping your Russian language hugely.

I had had enough of studying when I finished my A levels and just wanted to earn some easy money and have fun! After three years, I finally decided on a degree that I wanted to do so went to uni at age 21. Then I had a gap year at 24, and went on a round the world trip before doing a masters age 25. I was 26 before I started my career path. I wouldn’t change a thing to be honest with you. I had the time of my life before I settled down. My best friend wasted 2 years and god knows how much money going to uni at 18 trying two different courses and quit them both. Then got an office job that she could have done straight from school. I don’t think my friends are any further in their careers than I am.

She doesn’t need to have a clear path at her age! She is not wasting her life with her choices! Let her enjoy the gap year and then study what she enjoys! A good degree from a good uni leaves many career doors open!

YAB hugely U. As someone who was told which a-levels and degree to do and not what I was good at/enjoyed, it has caused resentment towards my overbearing parents and a determination that my kids will be able to choose what they want to do. It’s not your life, it’s hers. You say that her careers advisor was dismissive of her because she didn’t choose law/medicine/finance but then you do exactly the same by saying that your DS is more together because he wants to do law.

wouldn’t you rather she did something she could enjoy and excel at rather than something she doesn’t enjoy and might make her miserable and resentful?

She seems fab to me, I wanted my children to take a gap year, see things and experience things before they had to knuckle down to study life again. She seems very switched on and full of life. Let her be she will find her way and who knows she might find her perfect vocation whilst travelling.

this

My degree and career were planned out before A levels. I studied law and hated it. Not once did my parents ask if I was happy. In those days you did exams, uni, career and any deviation wasn’t acceptable.
My own children are now happy in careers and with partners and have a couple of degrees each. I asked them regularly whether they were happy in what they were doing as if not everything can be changed. I wish someone had asked me.
But. None of them (3) did the straight from school/uni/work route. They travelled/interned/worked/came home etc. Young people today will be working for a hell of a long time and I think it’s much better that they take as long as they need to find exactly where they fit into the world. It isn’t a case of failure or not wanting to achieve if they’re not “settled” at 21. Just give your daughter space to find herself.