To be sad DD might be limiting herself

[JanseyB]

I have twins, they are 17, in sixth form.
DD is on paper the more intelligent of the two, 8/9a at GCSE and predicted 2 A* and 2 As at a-level (French, German, Art and English). She is at a good local indie but the careers advisor seems to pay little attention to her (more interested in the Law, Medicine and Finance candidates).

DD has applied for Business/Management and German for uni. She's applied to Kings, UCL, Manchester, Bristol and Queen Mary, she has some offers back.

DD has now announced she wants to take a gap year, then maybe change her course of study all together. She has savings and will get some money for her 18th so she has said she wants to work and travel and figure it out.
DD actually wants to work in marketing but wants to do a degree related to foreign language as it's something she is naturally talented at.

DS is so much more put together, studying history then wants to do law and has a clear plan.

DD is saying she wants a gap year, 4 year (year abroad) undergrad then possibly marketing masters. Which just seems a bit chaotic.

She is so smart, I wasn't massively supportive of her A-level choices and I feel like we are going through it again. She got a bloody 9 in maths at GCSE and it feels such a waste to throw it away. She's also very sociable, likeable, sporty and works so hard, it just seems she's a bit lost?!

DH and I are both doctors, our path was quite clear and laid out from leaving school so I'm not sure how to approach this.

AIBU thinking she might be throwing it all away. How can I get her better careers advice when school aren't helping? She used to want to work in finance and I'm a little sad that over the last 2 years that has lost appeal to her!

Anyone here know a path that might suit DD, with her want of modern languages under grad and marking as a career with study abroad and gap years?

I read law.

As did my father, his wife, my uncle (by marriage), an aunt and a few others.

And based on what I’ve seen I would be more concerned about that career path (despite rather enjoying it myself, btw!). All purely anecdotal and based on a heavily skewed sample size, but still…

Your DD has a plan and intends to do something she enjoys (with perfectly decent career prospects). There’s nothing chaotic about that! Please don’t disapprove simply because she doesn’t want to follow the path you deem appropriate / desirable.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Xs-UEqJ85KE

Yabu.

I teach A level (one of the sciences), and it’s so obvious which students are doing the course because their parents have pushed/encouraged them to do it. It’s such a young age to have to make these decisions that set the course of your life, and honestly I think good on her for knowing herself well enough to say “I don’t know what I want yet, I want time to figure it out”.

Getting a 9 at GCSE maths shows she’s an intelligent young woman. But if she’s no interest in the subject that means nothing when it comes to further study. Please support her and encourage her to find a path doing something she loves. It’s so much more important that doing a course because it’s what you’re “good at”

“DD is saying she wants a gap year, 4 year (year abroad) undergrad then possibly marketing masters. Which just seems a bit chaotic.”

It doesn’t sound remotely chaotic.

As my grade 9 (and further maths and Olympiad - though tbf lowest rung of Olympiad) daughter said to her friends who expressed surprise when she didn’t take the A level, “just because I’m good at maths, doesn’t mean I like maths”.

You really need to back off a smart girl who has a good plan. I’d be more worried about her brother who I’ll bet has got no interest in law at all.

This is terribly sad. If you were my child I would be incredibly proud of you being a successful professional musician.

Hi OP, your daughter sounds very academic, very creative and very together actually. She’s just choosing a different path than the rest of the family and this makes her even more precious in my eyes.

I work in marketing and comms for a big, global brand. Your daughter is exactly the kind of graduates I’m looking for: interesting and interested and with a strong grasp of language and art. Wow.

For background, I studied law. And I can’t imagine anything worse than reviewing contracts all day or standing in court. And I certainly couldn’t do the super long hours. I’m happy. And my legal background means I get on well with our legal and compliance colleagues, which is a big plus for me in the eyes of my managers.

My advice for what it’s worth: spend time with your previous daughter, learn from her, let her open your eyes and mind to new things and cherish the diversity she brings to your family unit.

And my advice to her when choosing her first marketing role : go for a big consumer brand (ie: the likes of Unilever, Samsung etc…). This is where the interesting work is when it comes to marketing.

My DM is 75 and was a child of an exceptionally pushy mother who prided herself of being a 'matriarch'. She had 4 kids. She was very clear what she expected them to do. One (my DM) was to be a nurse. One was to be a doctor (my uncle) one was to be a teacher (my aunt) and one was to stay at home and take care of her for all her days (other aunt). That was the expectation and anything else was not permitted. All the children followed those paths. My mother was miserable every day or her nursing life from the age of 17 to when she was 55 and retired due to her poor mental health. My uncle became a doctor until he retired due to his poor mental health and became a carpenter instead. Teacher aunt was the worst sort of person to ever be a teacher (similar to her mother) and was removed from the teaching profession for life due to inappropriate discipline practices. She then became the manager of a cafe. The stay at home aunt did that until her parents died and then had nothing and basically has to be propped up financially by her siblings.

Their parents' expectations probably ruined their lives- or at least certainly the first 30 years or so of their adult lives. But on paper they were achieving the success my grandmother demanded.

OP's daughter sounds fabulous.

She sounds great and maths will be useful in a marketing career. Look at the graduate recruitment websites for companies like Diageo, L'Oreal, Unilever, Procter & Gamble, etc and see what they look for. The academic standard is very high and if she gets into one of those companies she can work all over the world and will be making more money than a doctor by the time she's 40.

<<What this person said. SO many people would be delighted to have a daughter as switched on and motivated as your daughter. Please don't screw it up for her by imposing your fixed views

please don’t make the (very common) mistake parents make of projecting onto our children what we think ‘good’ is.

she sounds smart. She doesn’t sound chaotic to me! She wants to have a gap year - that is probably perfectly sensible!

Many of us - myself included - bowed to parental pressure and were influenced into choosing something ‘suitable’ at university. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t. My dad went to uni to do law, as his father had done. Quit within the year, did modern languages and became an interpreter instead. Loved his job his whole life.

Not only do I think you should not try to push your opinions onto your DD, I think you should work really hard to try to learn about what she likes, and like it with her, to an extent. Otherwise I’m sure your feelings will be showing to her, and she will feel less-than her brother. Which is such an awful, miserable feeling, and so unnecessary when she’s clearly bright but just not interested in what you think of as a suitable career path.

It doesn’t sound remotely chaotic. There is nothing wrong with creative industries, gap years or four year degrees.
I have all of the above, work in a creative area, earn plenty and am top of my field.
Let your daughter find her own way.

My mum could've written the same thing as you, I was predicted A* and As at A level, had a Cambridge offer etc. Decided to do a "fluffy" humanity rather than go into law/medicine/finance.

Guess what, my brain didn't atrophy!

10 years later, I'm now a high earner with a much better work/life balance than any doctors, lawyers or finance people that I know.

Life is about more than just getting a status job.

I think people saying encouraging them do whatever degree they want, are probably speaking from a position of financial privilege and being able to support their kids to retrain when they find their degree doesn't lead to a job where they can support a decent lifestyle

You remind me of my mum. Horrified about my initial choice for degree. Swayed me into a professional degree. Now have zero job satisfaction managed by working part time. Support and listen to your DD who is clearly very bright and will be fine.

That sounds really hard. The only non-negotiable we had really was going to uni. I know they were concerned that I'd picked something I enjoyed rather than something I was naturally good at, but I was still supported in my choices. I'm glad my parents weren't like your grandmother!

I think your DD sounds very together.

A year out to earn, travel, become more fluent in a language and be certain that the degree choice she’s made is the right one for her sounds eminently sensible. It may boost her self confidence, develop self-reliance and independence all things that will enhance her university experience.

It’s a little unfair to compare her to her brother and maybe she is hoping the year apart will enable her to be seen independently from him and not constantly measured against him.

I’d support her and let her make her own decision on this.

I am glad also that MY parents were not like my grandmother! They were both really clear 'Do whatever interests you at university- your path will follow'. They were right. I say that now to my Dcs.

Yes, YABU. I took a gap year, then a 4 year languages degree, then did a masters in something unrelated. My parents were insistent I should be studying sciences or maths at A-level, but I didn't want to. I really feel for your DD. She could be the best mathematician in the world but if she doesn't enjoy it, then that's what matters most. Her decisions don't sound at all outlandish, she just needs your support.
For what it's worth, my brother took the maths/sciences route. He enjoyed it. We now work in the same field and are both successful.

So the OP has returned to reply to one post that does not answer the question she asked and has not responded to all of the people telling her why she is being unreasonable.

Me too. Went to a concert once at Symphony Hall. A little girl sat next to me. She was about 8 and absolutely fizzing with excitement. She had fabulous red hair. When the orchestra came out she said to me " that's my aunt there". Her aunt was the 1st violin ( with the same fabulous hair).The child's parents and grandparents were in the row. The pride from them was enormous. I am so sorry you haven't felt that.

I'd let her carve her own path. I was pushed down the degree/corporate job path and hated it. Spent a few years at a desk and was bored out my mind. I sacked it off to do something fun as life is too short (driving trucks in my case).

Family were horrified but I'm now doing very well running a haulage business with a mate. We have trucks in Cemex, Hanson, Aggregate Industries, and Tarmac, and are doing lots of work on HS2, Midlands Metro, and many other big civil builds.

Was just a waste paying back all that money on a student loan for nothing!

I will also say a grade 9 at maths gcse ( not even FM) is really not evidence of being good at maths!

She doesn't sound at all like she is limiting herself. It's her life OP. I know you want her to "reach her maximum potential"- but what does that even mean, really? Pursuing a career that will get her the most amount of money? Pursuing a career that is well respected? Even if that's not where her passions lie and won't make her happy? What's the POINT of it all, really, if you're just focused on doing well for the sake of doing well, rather than enjoying your one and only life? I know SO many unhappy doctors, vets, lawyers etc etc- none of these well respected options are of any value at all if you're not going to enjoy them. You are the one that seems to have the limited view of what makes a worthwhile choice, she sounds confident, she has a plan- you need to let her make her own choices. She might find something she thrives at and adores, she might bounce around a few things and struggle for a while, but to be a well rounded adult you have to make these choices for yourself. If you've done a good job parenting her, and it sounds like you have, she will be well able to find her own path- not the one you think is right for her.

OP do you have any regrets in your life?

Do you not wish that you could have chosen your path a bit more or had more freedom?

I am going to encourage my DD to go to uni and get a decent job but I’m also going to encourage her to travel, get life experience and have as much fun as she possibly can whilst she’s still young.

You’ve got your entire life you get a good career.
You only have one shot at being young and free.

In what world is a gap year and a degree with a year abroad chaotic?? That’s perfectly normal and healthy!

Languages and art are some of the most intense A Levels imo and that's a totally fine combination to get into even Oxbridge. Why on earth were you "not supportive" of them? Snobbery?

DS has escaped your wrath and he's doing History, a non-science subject that isn't specifically useful for many jobs. He's also planning to do a subject followed by a different masters same as his sister. Golden child dynamic by any chance?

Stop comparing your girl to her brother and back the fuck off. She's told you what she wants to do. And even if she had no idea, she's nearly 18 and it's her life.