To be sad DD might be limiting herself

[JanseyB]

I have twins, they are 17, in sixth form.
DD is on paper the more intelligent of the two, 8/9a at GCSE and predicted 2 A* and 2 As at a-level (French, German, Art and English). She is at a good local indie but the careers advisor seems to pay little attention to her (more interested in the Law, Medicine and Finance candidates).

DD has applied for Business/Management and German for uni. She's applied to Kings, UCL, Manchester, Bristol and Queen Mary, she has some offers back.

DD has now announced she wants to take a gap year, then maybe change her course of study all together. She has savings and will get some money for her 18th so she has said she wants to work and travel and figure it out.
DD actually wants to work in marketing but wants to do a degree related to foreign language as it's something she is naturally talented at.

DS is so much more put together, studying history then wants to do law and has a clear plan.

DD is saying she wants a gap year, 4 year (year abroad) undergrad then possibly marketing masters. Which just seems a bit chaotic.

She is so smart, I wasn't massively supportive of her A-level choices and I feel like we are going through it again. She got a bloody 9 in maths at GCSE and it feels such a waste to throw it away. She's also very sociable, likeable, sporty and works so hard, it just seems she's a bit lost?!

DH and I are both doctors, our path was quite clear and laid out from leaving school so I'm not sure how to approach this.

AIBU thinking she might be throwing it all away. How can I get her better careers advice when school aren't helping? She used to want to work in finance and I'm a little sad that over the last 2 years that has lost appeal to her!

Anyone here know a path that might suit DD, with her want of modern languages under grad and marking as a career with study abroad and gap years?

Yabu.
Whilst I do understand the logic of your thought, being good at something doesn't make you like it or want to do it for the majority of your life. Marketing is a huge market and there are a lot of specialist and niche areas to it, with great salary prospects and travelling opportunities. Add qualifications regarding foreign languages to that and she can have an exceptional salary.

This is your DDs whole life and sounds like she's looking at it long term rather than a box ticking exercise of I'm good at this I'll do it for now.

Going to uni and getting into that kind of debt - she's being sensible and making sure the options she chooses are actually worth that debt to her.
People are good at jobs they love, not because they've got a degree in it.

Better for her to make the chaos happen now, making choices that impact the next 40 years of her life than 'set' her path and get to her late 30s and feel like she's stuck in an industry she hates.

Another vote for being unreasonable here I'm afraid.

Our DNephew had his whole career mapped out. He was going to university to study sports science, knew exactly what he wanted to do with the degree. Got to university, one term in and changed his mind. He switched to study business. His parents were fully supportive (his dad had also switched degrees after the first couple of terms in his day). Got his degree.

He started work at a major UK company, five years in he was asked if he wanted to go overseas to oversee the setting up of a new office. He'd never lived abroad and his was in Asia so a very different experience. He took a bit of advice from his parents, friends and us. All of whom said to do it. He could always come back and could always get another job if he hated it.

Ten years later he's moved around Asia, still with the same company. He's heading up a division now, married and living the best life. He and his wife travel extensively as they have money in their pockets. Changing his 'path' was the best thing he ever did. Because he knew he'd be unhappy in the path he'd originally chosen.

It takes a lot of personal insight and a bit of guts to say 'you know what, I don't think that's for me'. Ultimately your children have to live their own life and it's better that your DD gets up every day looking forward to what it will bring rather than lay awake at night wondering how she'll cope with the day ahead isn't it? That has to come from her own choice. She knows her dreams, you don't and never will completely. And, if the degree isn't right, she can switch (within reason). People retrain all the time and the gap year may give her a bit of insight - maybe even a job offer post university. Who knows?

It sounds like your are limiting your daughter to what you want her life to be, rather than her limiting herself. It sounds like she has a plan but also doesn’t want to rush into it either. Long story short, I wish I had taken my time at 18 figuring out what path I wanted to go down, so I think she’s being sensible.

She sounds great OP.
Let her be herself.
My DD studied English Lit with Drama. Coming from a scientific family, we were surprised but let her get on with it.
She now earns much more than her boyfriend (who is a surgeon) and has very little stress in her life.

Just going to add, my DD was a straight 9s at GCSE student too. Felt that she was supposed to be opting for Oxbridge or a Russell Group uni and taking socially admired A levels. Flunked out of 6th form twice as she struggled with her self-perceived need to do what other’s rated as appropriate. She was benchmarking herself against us (DH Cambridge; me several academic degrees from RG unis) and against the ‘clever’ group in her year.

We’ve finally managed to make her understand that a degree in animation, despite the potential low pay if she gets into it, is absolutely fine by us and that we just want her be happy.

Nothing could make me prouder of seeing her name in the long list of credits in a Disney Pixar film one day or to see an advert and think, she did that. Am just sad that she thought we’d only be proud of her if she followed a traditional path (where, frankly, careers in medicine, law, teaching etc don’t really pay that well unless you are a high flyer and are not as respected as they once were anyway).

She sounds like she is actually quite clear on what she wants to do. Marketing has the potential to be a really good career. She can work across lots of different industries including healthcare, finance and IT. It involves a lot of different skills. She will need to be comfortable working with figures as there is a lot of financial planning involve (budget management, strategic planning and stock planning), so her ability with maths is will be well used.

I work with people in marketing at a European level where languages are an absolutely asset. A lot of the team I work with have MBAs.

I know far more people who have had to retrain because their parents forced them into a "status" career that they hated and was awful for their mental health than the opposite.

Your daughter sounds amazing. Those are excellent and distinctive A level choices. God, I’d be so bloody proud of her. The world and his wife does bloody Maths. We needpeople with the communication skills and critical thinking that languages bring. Why does she have to do your choices?

This. A history degree isn’t exactly the best choice when it comes to employability!! OP’s DD will have a far better chance with marketing

BTW the degree she is probably looking at - International Marketing with a year in industry?? is exactly what a neighbour of mine has.

She now has her own events company, travels all over the world setting up events for major companies. She's doing very well.

Hmm it depends. Marketing jobs don't specify 'marketing' degrees usually any academic humanities degree will do. A number of the courses give exemptions for professional qualifications but IME results, rather than qualifications are more important. It really depends on the specific degree though.
But your girl is very smart, taking a gap year to think. Instead of rushing into a degree she may not like, and wasting money.

Careers advice in schools are so bad, and even parents, as can be seen from your mindset push people into 'traditional' careers. There's a whole other world out there!

Marketing, communications, supply chain management, logistics, she could even go into tech product management, sales and associated careers.

Please just let her do what she wants to do, give her guidance but don’t push her into a clear path, what does it matter as long as she’s happy? At nearly 40 and a mother of two girls, I know being happy far outweighs anything. As a side note, earning comfortably of course helps with that but it doesn’t have to be an academic career path.

This.

I'd say my happiest mate is a personal trainer. She does well enough financially although will never be a high earner by mumsnet standards. However, she's never stressed, spends all day doing something she enjoys, and has great physical/mental wellbeing.

The right path is the one she chooses and the one that makes her happy.

I had a parent that decided where my further education and career path would go and I was miserable for about 2 years, until I went against their wishes and did what I’d set out to do in the first place.

I'm really confused, your daughter sounds like she has got it pretty much together too? More together than I was at that age? Even if she changes her mind later her choices are not bad choices and will give her experience. She will also most likely do well automatically as she is naturally good at German?

Your dd’s plan does not sound chaotic and she does not sound lost, you just sound like you do not like your dd’s plans.

Your dd’s plan does not sound chaotic and she does not sound lost, you just sound like you do not like your dd’s plans.

Let her make her own choices. You said yourself she is switched on. This sounds like a good plan. She may completely change this plan, that’s also ok. Just support her in whatever she chooses or she will resent you.

Travel/languages/marketing - this could all result in a very interesting and excellent career for her. If she has any interest in tech, I can suggest developing that to get into tech marketing. With German, and Germany leading in many tech areas, she could do very well and have a lucrative, interesting and international career.

What is chaotic about wanting to do marketing with a language, and finding her own gap year?

it sounds like she has things planned out, but don’t approve of her plan/career choice.

Hello, I can totally understand your desire as a parent for your child to get the most out of life. Honestly though, I’d let her figure it out!

If you try to push her in a certain direction, she may end up resenting you later. She sounds like an intelligent girl - I’m sure that she will find her niche, knuckle down, and figure it out! It’s her journey and you are there to offer support when she needs it. It sounds like she has a bit of plan though so I’d say not to worry. 😊

Agree with many PPs, she has a plan, her plan is just different from yours.

I'm not sure I understand this thread?

My reading is that DD is reconsidering taking a degree in business plus German to do a joint honours languages degree (German plus ANO?). The OP thinks this will limit career options. Am I missing something?

This seems bizarre. I struggle to think there is any meaningful difference. Were it a choice between Maths plus a language or a languages degree I could see there being different outcomes. Business? Not so much.

Her plan sounds reasonable enough and completely in line with teenage thinking - perhaps the key is to actually listen to her and try supporting her choices.

My friend - straight As (there were no A* ) but taken a year young, regrets not going to Uni, as her parents were just the threshold to have to contribute a lot - and her older brother who had worked a year (to be a bank manager) decided to go a year late - so exactly same time as her, she had to defer, and then deferred again as she had an amazing job in sales which she excelled at, and ultimately led her to a great career - however she always wonders if she'd gone how her life would have been different.
Now she's retired (early, massive pension) she'd going to do a degree in history, a subject she loved but was told by her parents not to do so she stuck with sciences at A level.

“Anyone here know a path that might suit DD, with her want of modern languages under grad and marking as a career with study abroad and gap years?”

Yes, your own DD! Now listen to her.

It sounds like you’ve raised a fantastic well rounded young woman who has made a plan for herself. Give yourself a pat on the back for your role in getting her this far and now take a step back in this. How would you have felt at 17 if your parents had presumed to know better than you what type of career and life you should have?

Be careful over-pressuring her or you might find she rebels and shows you what a “chaotic” lifestyle really looks like…